And then there were FOUR!!
On Friday in the Semifinals, we have ….
PostSecret (Svetlana Kuznetsova RUS)
VS
Google (Anna Chakvetadze RUS)
ANNNND …..
Gene Wilder (Venus Williams USA)
VS
*NSYNC (Justine Henin BEL)
So let’s see. It’s secrets vs. searches and man vs. boys.
Seems fair to me.
Good luck and good matches, everyone!
In the latest …… supplied by Gene Wilder himself (ahem) ……
Gene Wilder (Venus Williams USA)
OOMPA-LOOMPAED OVER
The Liberty Bell (Jelena Jankovic SRB)
Later in the locker room, The Liberty Bell was treated for multiple cracks and contusions by loving, orange-faced Oompa Loompas, who comforted it with this little number:
Oompa loompa doopadee do
I’ve got another puzzle for you
Oompa loompa doopadah dee
If you are wise you’ll listen to me
What kind of bell cracks on its first ring?
A bell that’s not fit for anything
Who even made you, what is your prob?
Didn’t you see that deep-court lob?
The kind that can kill you
Oompa loompa doopadee dah
If you’re a good bell, you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the oompa loompa …… doopadee do!
The Liberty Bell just cried softly.
We’re whittling down to the Semifinals, peeps!! (We’re still waiting on the results of The Liberty Bell vs Gene Wilder.)
In today’s completed action ……
PostSecret (Svetlana Kuznetsova RUS)
FIRED A LETHAL SHOT STRAIGHT AT THE GUT OF
Alexander Hamilton (Agnes Szavay HUN)
Later in the locker room, a pale and bloodied Hamilton was seen playing with small colorful pieces of paper while muttering, “Well, whatevs, PostSecret. I’m on the $10 bill.” Humming a patriotic ditty to himself, Hamilton arranged his tenners into neat little rows on the locker room benches, smiling and waving at each one in turn.
But his reverie was soon to be interrupted ………. dunhdunhDUNNNH!
In action elswhere …..
Google (Anna Chakvetadze RUS)
BLUE-OXED
Paul Bunyan (Sahar Peer ISR)
Later in the locker room, Bunyan blubbered like a big ol’ baby, utterly destroying Flushing Meadows BUT simultaneously creating 10,000 more lakes, which is nice, I suppose, but not great for tennis.
As water came pouring through the locker room from Bunyan’s blubbing, Hamilton was forced to grab his money and climb atop the lockers to protect his wads of pretty 10-spots. With water rising and Bunyan’s sobbing showing no signs of abating, Hamilton narrowed his eyes at Bunyan and said in slow voice full death and taxes, “I … don’t … like you …. and …. I challenge you, sir!”
Babe the Blue Ox, disgusted with Bunyan’s unmanly display, mooed in cheery agreement. Seconds later, outside the locker room, a still-blubbing Bunyan lumbered over panicked spectators with Hamilton, now astride Babe the Blue Ox, close behind, screeching and waving his fistfuls of papery selves.
The three were last spotted somewhere near Canada, I believe.
Okey-dokey. I’m actually almost certain I’m on top of this!
Quarterfinal matches for tomorrow. Here we go.
Staring one another down we have ……
The Liberty Bell (Jelena Jankovic SRB)
VS
Gene Wilder (Venus Williams USA)
ALSO …..
PostSecret (Svetlana Kuznetsova RUS)
VS
Alexander Hamilton (Agnes Szavay HUN)
AND FINALLY …..
Google (Anna Chakvetadze RUS)
VS
Paul Bunyan (Sahar Peer ISR)
Good luck and good matches, everyone!!
(And keep scrolling for other stuff …. like stuff I forgot … and new non-game related posting … and n*ked pictures of Boheme customers … no biggie.)
Tonight, in late court action …….
*NSYNC (Justine Henin BEL)
WELL, PRETTY MUCH TRASH-TALKED POOR
Old Glory (Serena Williams USA)
TO DEAAAATH!!
Later in the locker room, Old Glory had been so thrashed, trashed, and “yo!-yo!-yo!”-ed that her blazing glory had faded to various shades of mealy gray and she had blown a ragged hole in her starry bloomers. Seamstresses summoned to patch the embarrassing tear in Old Glory’s unders were heard randomly whispering “oh, say can you seeeeeeee??” and “land of the freeeeeeee!!” and then dissolving into off-key hums and shrieking giggles. Which is just really immature, you know, I think.
Sorry, Old Glory, about your loserhood and your unders and all. And that you lost to a boy band that probably doesn’t know all the lyrics to your famous song.
It’s just a real shame.
Anyhoo …. wave Boo-Bye, everyone!!
…. pictures from our trip to Zion in July!
I didn’t take them — my brother-in-law did — so they will actually be lookable.
(I was gonna say “watchable,” but these are pictures; not TV, not a movie. So if moving pictures can be labeled as “watchable” or “unwatchable,” why can’t a still picture can be called “lookable” or “unlookable”? It makes sense to me, but I am simmering here in 357-degree weather, a shiny flesh dumpling, so I may be experiencing some impairment.)
But still, we remain undaunted in the midst our mental incapacity.
So.
Allow me to introduce you to ….. Fearless Girl!
She climbs vertical walls of protruding rocks!
She wears sweaty helmets and races ’round in bloaty-wheeled contraptions!
She allows strangers to wrap flimsy straps around her little bum and release her into the sky — at 30,000 feet!
(Uhm, hello, parental neglect. Good LORD!)
She bursts with joy no matter what she does or how she is abused by those who claim to love her!
She wears pink and hold hands with wild Banshees who also wear pink to lull Fearless Girl into complacency before they strike!
She wears paisley kerchiefs and holds the hands of giants, melting hearts everywhere!
)
She is FEARLESS GIRL!!!
And she makes me blaze with love.
I missed a result! What is wrong with me? Seriously, this match was nowhere to be found on the US Open site yesterday, and now — KAPOW! — it’s there and it’s OVER!!
(Stupid someone other than me.)
Okay. Well, so at some point in the recent past, ah ….
Google (Anna Chakvetadze RUS)
MALCOM X-ED OVER
Denzel Washington (Tamira Paszek AUT)
Later in the locker room, a bewildered Mr. Washington was found staring at a wall, wearing nothing but his Pelican Briefs. (I hate myself.)
Boo-Bye, Denzel! Please autograph those briefs and send them to me, mkay? And even though you’re a loser, I still think you’re a pretty pretty pony.
I know it’s a holiday weekend and all, so I’ll just list here the latest Boo-Byes we’ve had in The Best Thing Ever: America.
Dean Martin
The Constitution
Jazz
Opportunity — who gave a great — albeit somewhat bitter — Boo-Bye Speech
Baseball
American Idol
Mark Twain
7 down.
9 remain ….
Okay. I mustn’t get behind here again!
So tomorrow we have ……
Old Glory (Serena Williams USA)
VS
*NSYNC (Justine Henin BEL)
Watch out, Old Glory! *NSYNC talks some serious smack. This oughta be a good’un.
And now there are results already!! ACK!! ACK!!
What can I say? It’s 104 huuumid degrees here and I’ve basically become a giant beef dumpling, gently stewing in — let me look around a sec — onions, carrots, thyme and I think I saw a bay leaf floating around here, too.
So I am uncomfortable but tasty.
Still, who cares about THAT when there is The Best Thing Ever: America to tend to??
Okay. Uhm, so here we go, winners, losers!
In court action — apparently ages ago ….
PostSecret — (Svetlana Kuznetsova RUS)
EXPOSED THE SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET OF
Dean Martin (Victoria Azarenka BLR)
Later in the locker room, Dino enjoyed a post-match ciggie and was heard mumbling, “Well, Ain’t that a Kick in the Head.” Volare, Dino!!
In other court action ….
Alexander Hamilton (Agnes Szavay HUN)
AARON BURRED
The Constitution (Julia Vakulenko UKR)
The Constitution rolled off the court, pouting and whining, “‘Promote the general Welfare,’ my faded yellow butt! What about MY personal welfare!? Huh? HUH? What about THAT??”
Finally …..
Paul Bunyan — (Sahar Peer ISR)
LUMBERED OVER POOR OL’
Jazz (Agnieszka Radwanska POL)
Jazz be-bopped and scatted off to the locker room, joined Dino in a post-match ciggie, and was later found face-down drunk in a Bourbon Street brothel.
Hey, I just report the action.
Boo-Bye, Dino, Constitution, Jazz! I’m sorry!
Why, oh, why do bad things happen to good people and things? Why? Why?
