latest results — the best thing ever: america

We’re whittling down to the Semifinals, peeps!! (We’re still waiting on the results of The Liberty Bell vs Gene Wilder.)

In today’s completed action ……

PostSecret (Svetlana Kuznetsova RUS)

FIRED A LETHAL SHOT STRAIGHT AT THE GUT OF

Alexander Hamilton (Agnes Szavay HUN)

Later in the locker room, a pale and bloodied Hamilton was seen playing with small colorful pieces of paper while muttering, “Well, whatevs, PostSecret. I’m on the $10 bill.” Humming a patriotic ditty to himself, Hamilton arranged his tenners into neat little rows on the locker room benches, smiling and waving at each one in turn.

But his reverie was soon to be interrupted ………. dunhdunhDUNNNH!

In action elswhere …..

Google (Anna Chakvetadze RUS)

BLUE-OXED

Paul Bunyan (Sahar Peer ISR)

Later in the locker room, Bunyan blubbered like a big ol’ baby, utterly destroying Flushing Meadows BUT simultaneously creating 10,000 more lakes, which is nice, I suppose, but not great for tennis.

As water came pouring through the locker room from Bunyan’s blubbing, Hamilton was forced to grab his money and climb atop the lockers to protect his wads of pretty 10-spots. With water rising and Bunyan’s sobbing showing no signs of abating, Hamilton narrowed his eyes at Bunyan and said in slow voice full death and taxes, “I … don’t … like you …. and …. I challenge you, sir!”

Babe the Blue Ox, disgusted with Bunyan’s unmanly display, mooed in cheery agreement. Seconds later, outside the locker room, a still-blubbing Bunyan lumbered over panicked spectators with Hamilton, now astride Babe the Blue Ox, close behind, screeching and waving his fistfuls of papery selves.

The three were last spotted somewhere near Canada, I believe.