I know it’s a holiday weekend and all, so I’ll just list here the latest Boo-Byes we’ve had in The Best Thing Ever: America.
Dean Martin
The Constitution
Jazz
Opportunity — who gave a great — albeit somewhat bitter — Boo-Bye Speech
Baseball
American Idol
Mark Twain
7 down.
9 remain ….
If it had to be someone, I’m glad I met my Weehawken at the hands of Alexander Hamilton.
Opportunity was bitter only b/c the loss made little Sophie cry in her lemonade. Opp’s got a soft spot for young entrepreneurs.
I am an American; a well-known fact used often to my detriment on the Continent. As such, friends, I considered it my patriotic duty to lose to Ms. Williams, the embodiment of our great flag, rather than prevail through the services of a foreign mercenary, however comely she may appear.
Besides – where else could a Southerner gratefully and metaphorically expire at the hands of a black lady who bears Old Glory alongside? Only America, friends.
Then again, the prize money could have gotten me out from under the debts of publishing Grant’s memoirs. I hope that Ms. Williams will remember me as she advances in this tournament.
I remain your humble servant,
Mark Twain
I can’t believe I lost to Gene ‘Effin WILDER! THAT MAKES BASEBALL VERY VERY ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
Um, sorry about that. Baseball is on the clear. — Bud Selig
After receiving more than 872 bazillion votes, the Liberty Bell is safe, and that means American Idol is going home. Let’s turn to our judges, and get their thoughts on this shocking loss…
Randy: Well, Dawg, I mean we got in there and did our thang, and I thought we worked it out. It was a little rough for me, in the beginning, but I thought by the end, we blew it out da box. I just don’t understand what happened, Dawg. And my boys from Journey who I was hangin’ with in the Dawg Pound the other day, yeah!…they don’t know either.
Paula: Firsss of all, can I jussss say, the Biberty Bell lookssss great …after all thesssse yearsssss…I hardly noticed the crack at all. And you know I love the bell. I just really really love it. Isss a ssssstar and it moves me . I lovesss you!
Simon: I’m not sure what happened here. I think America got it wrong, if I’m being honest. Did you hear the, what is it…Liberty Bell? Did you hear it ring? Frankly, it sounded flat. It sounded like a bell you would hear at somebody’s wedding, or in a lounge on a cruise ship. Not to be rude, but I found it dreadful. And Poorla is wrong…you DO notice the crack, and it just isn’t very attractive, if I’m being honest. I would have tried to do something about that, if it were me.
Lisa — Baseball lost to Willy Wonka!! Stupid Vermicious Knid!
Oh gosh…I meant HEAR! I HATE when that happens! I cannot believe I did that!
MM — HAhahahaha! /Biberty Bell/! Oh, and I changed the spelling for you when the comment was in moderation — because I am an anal-retentive control freak.
But most excellent Boo-Bye Speech!
/Isss a ssssstar and it moves me/
I can actually hear her saying this.
NF — /Then again, the prize money could have gotten me out from under the debts of publishing Grant’s memoirs. I hope that Ms. Williams will remember me as she advances in this tournament./
Hahahahaha!
And Cullen — Yes, a worthy opponent indeed. I’d hate to see you lose to anyone else.
[hazy spot lit Dean, soft focus, pan to stage]
[applause, applause]
Take one fresh and tender kiss,
Add one stolen night of bliss,
One girl; one boy; some grief; some joy:
Memories are made of this…
[applause, applause]
[musical acompaniment] “Well folks it’s time for ol’ Dino to say ‘good night’. [puff, swig] I’ve been bested by the best — a class act in this town — the beautiful Post Secret. And what a gal she is. This one’s for you, PS.” [swig, lazy puff as music swells]
I’m praying for rain in California
So the grapes can grow and they can make more wine.
And I’m sitting in a honkey in Chicago
with a broken heart and a woman on my mind.
I match the man behind the bar for the jukebox;
And the music takes me back to Tennessee;
When they ask, “Who’s the fool in the corner cryin’?”, I say, “Little ol’ wine drinker me.”
[transition music]
“That’s right ladies and gentlemen. In my book, you don’t send a post card with your darkest thoughts and dreams; [swirling ice cubes] you write a song. A song the whole world can sing. A macho song like…”
When marimba rhythms start to play
Dance with me, make me sway
Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore
Hold me close, sway me more
Like a flower bending in the breeze
Bend with me, sway with ease
When we dance you have a way with me
Stay with me, sway with me
Other dancers may be on the floor
Dear, but my eyes will see only you
Only you have the magic technique
When we sway I go weak
I can hear the sounds of violins
Long before it begins
Make me thrill as only you know how
Sway me smooth, sway me now…
“Now what’s wrong with manly sentiment like that, ladies and gentlemen?” [sly smile] “I’ll close with this, my final tribute to dear old PS, that classy dame.”
Standin’ on a corner watchin’ all the girls go by
Standin’ on a corner givin’ all the girls the eye
Brother you can’t go to jail for what you’re thinkin’
Or for that “wooed” look in your eye
Standin’ on the corner watchin’ all the girls
Watchin’ all the girls, watchin’ all the girls go by…
“Thanks folks, you’ve been great.” [appluase, applause][perfect Dino smile, swig puff] [applause, applause]
[spotlight fade]
Beautiful, WG!! Now I’m almost glad you lost. I loved it!!
LOL! Thanks!