Category: the best thing ever blog game

We’re whittling down to the Semifinals, peeps!! (We’re still waiting on the results of The Liberty Bell vs Gene Wilder.)

In today’s completed action ……

PostSecret (Svetlana Kuznetsova RUS)

FIRED A LETHAL SHOT STRAIGHT AT THE GUT OF

Alexander Hamilton (Agnes Szavay HUN)

Later in the locker room, a pale and bloodied Hamilton was seen playing with small colorful pieces of paper while muttering, “Well, whatevs, PostSecret. I’m on the $10 bill.” Humming a patriotic ditty to himself, Hamilton arranged his tenners into neat little rows on the locker room benches, smiling and waving at each one in turn.

But his reverie was soon to be interrupted ………. dunhdunhDUNNNH!

In action elswhere …..

Google (Anna Chakvetadze RUS)

BLUE-OXED

Paul Bunyan (Sahar Peer ISR)

Later in the locker room, Bunyan blubbered like a big ol’ baby, utterly destroying Flushing Meadows BUT simultaneously creating 10,000 more lakes, which is nice, I suppose, but not great for tennis.

As water came pouring through the locker room from Bunyan’s blubbing, Hamilton was forced to grab his money and climb atop the lockers to protect his wads of pretty 10-spots. With water rising and Bunyan’s sobbing showing no signs of abating, Hamilton narrowed his eyes at Bunyan and said in slow voice full death and taxes, “I … don’t … like you …. and …. I challenge you, sir!”

Babe the Blue Ox, disgusted with Bunyan’s unmanly display, mooed in cheery agreement. Seconds later, outside the locker room, a still-blubbing Bunyan lumbered over panicked spectators with Hamilton, now astride Babe the Blue Ox, close behind, screeching and waving his fistfuls of papery selves.

The three were last spotted somewhere near Canada, I believe.

Okey-dokey. I’m actually almost certain I’m on top of this!

Quarterfinal matches for tomorrow. Here we go.

Staring one another down we have ……

The Liberty Bell (Jelena Jankovic SRB)

VS

Gene Wilder (Venus Williams USA)

ALSO …..

PostSecret (Svetlana Kuznetsova RUS)

VS

Alexander Hamilton (Agnes Szavay HUN)

AND FINALLY …..

Google (Anna Chakvetadze RUS)

VS

Paul Bunyan (Sahar Peer ISR)

Good luck and good matches, everyone!!

(And keep scrolling for other stuff …. like stuff I forgot … and new non-game related posting … and n*ked pictures of Boheme customers … no biggie.)

Tonight, in late court action …….

*NSYNC (Justine Henin BEL)

WELL, PRETTY MUCH TRASH-TALKED POOR

Old Glory (Serena Williams USA)

TO DEAAAATH!!

Later in the locker room, Old Glory had been so thrashed, trashed, and “yo!-yo!-yo!”-ed that her blazing glory had faded to various shades of mealy gray and she had blown a ragged hole in her starry bloomers. Seamstresses summoned to patch the embarrassing tear in Old Glory’s unders were heard randomly whispering “oh, say can you seeeeeeee??” and “land of the freeeeeeee!!” and then dissolving into off-key hums and shrieking giggles. Which is just really immature, you know, I think.

Sorry, Old Glory, about your loserhood and your unders and all. And that you lost to a boy band that probably doesn’t know all the lyrics to your famous song.

It’s just a real shame.

Anyhoo …. wave Boo-Bye, everyone!!

I missed a result! What is wrong with me? Seriously, this match was nowhere to be found on the US Open site yesterday, and now — KAPOW! — it’s there and it’s OVER!!

(Stupid someone other than me.)

Okay. Well, so at some point in the recent past, ah ….

Google (Anna Chakvetadze RUS)

MALCOM X-ED OVER

Denzel Washington (Tamira Paszek AUT)

Later in the locker room, a bewildered Mr. Washington was found staring at a wall, wearing nothing but his Pelican Briefs. (I hate myself.)

Boo-Bye, Denzel! Please autograph those briefs and send them to me, mkay? And even though you’re a loser, I still think you’re a pretty pretty pony.

I know it’s a holiday weekend and all, so I’ll just list here the latest Boo-Byes we’ve had in The Best Thing Ever: America.

Dean Martin
The Constitution
Jazz
Opportunity — who gave a great — albeit somewhat bitter — Boo-Bye Speech
Baseball
American Idol
Mark Twain

7 down.

9 remain ….

Okay. I mustn’t get behind here again!

So tomorrow we have ……

Old Glory (Serena Williams USA)

VS

*NSYNC (Justine Henin BEL)

Watch out, Old Glory! *NSYNC talks some serious smack. This oughta be a good’un.

And now there are results already!! ACK!! ACK!!

What can I say? It’s 104 huuumid degrees here and I’ve basically become a giant beef dumpling, gently stewing in — let me look around a sec — onions, carrots, thyme and I think I saw a bay leaf floating around here, too.

So I am uncomfortable but tasty.

Still, who cares about THAT when there is The Best Thing Ever: America to tend to??

Okay. Uhm, so here we go, winners, losers!

In court action — apparently ages ago ….

PostSecret — (Svetlana Kuznetsova RUS)

EXPOSED THE SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET OF

Dean Martin (Victoria Azarenka BLR)

Later in the locker room, Dino enjoyed a post-match ciggie and was heard mumbling, “Well, Ain’t that a Kick in the Head.” Volare, Dino!!

In other court action ….

Alexander Hamilton (Agnes Szavay HUN)

AARON BURRED

The Constitution (Julia Vakulenko UKR)

The Constitution rolled off the court, pouting and whining, “‘Promote the general Welfare,’ my faded yellow butt! What about MY personal welfare!? Huh? HUH? What about THAT??”

Finally …..

Paul Bunyan — (Sahar Peer ISR)

LUMBERED OVER POOR OL’

Jazz (Agnieszka Radwanska POL)

Jazz be-bopped and scatted off to the locker room, joined Dino in a post-match ciggie, and was later found face-down drunk in a Bourbon Street brothel.

Hey, I just report the action.

Boo-Bye, Dino, Constitution, Jazz! I’m sorry!

Why, oh, why do bad things happen to good people and things? Why? Why?

The latest, up-to-datest, from The Open. Sadly, two of you have been boo-byed.

Sing it with me now:

And the rockets red glaaaare
The lobs bursting in aaaaair
Gave proof through the, uhm — — fiiiiighhhht
That our flag was still therrrrre …..

Yes, it’s true. The Star-Spangled Banner in triumph doth wave, for earlier today it was ….

OLD GLORY (Serena Williams USA)

waving boo-bye to

MARK TWAIN (Marion Bartoli FRA)

It would seem, on closer analysis, that Mr. Twain’s primary exercise regimen of “sleeping and resting” may actually have failed him here.

Alas and Farewell, Mr. Twain!

In other court action, we had …..

GENE WILDER (Venus Williams USA)

snatching a Golden Ticket to the Quarterfinals out of the chocolate-covered hands of

BASEBALL (Ana Ivanovic SRB)

Summer’s over, boys! Toodle-loo, Baseball!

Now …. let’s observe a moment of silence for Mark Twain and Baseball, valiant warriors each, apart from the not exercising and excessive chocolate eating. Still. They were each some kind of warrior here. Valiant/foolhardy. Potato/Potawto.

Any Boo-Byes, gentlemen?

Sunday’s matchups ARE:

OLD GLORY (Serena Williams USA)

VS

MARK TWAIN (Marion Bartoli FRA)

AND …..

BASEBALL (Ana Ivanovic SRB)

VS

GENE WILDER (Venus Williams USA)

ALSO …..

OPPORTUNITY (Dinara Safina RUS)

VS

*NSYNC (Justine Henin BEL)

LASTLY, BUT NOT LEASTLY …..

THE LIBERTY BELL (Jelena Jankovic SRB)

GOES UP AGAINST

AMERICAN IDOL (Sybille Bammer AUT)

Great matchups! Fabuloso!! Can’t wait for the results. Good luck and good games to everyone!

And especially, if necessary, good boo-byes. 😉

All right, you bowl sitters. You — well, all of you but one, whose result is still pending — are bowl sitters no more!!

We have drawn you out of your stagnant ceramic bowl existence and matched you up with some world-class players! Thrilling players! And don’t forget, you are tied to your player until THE END. You now have a destiny. A purpose. A reason to go on yet one more wearisome day. Etc. Of course, if you lose, all bets are off on that whole destiny-purpose thing I just said.

So the players. The players. Oh, it’s good, peeps. It’s gooood. There have been some MAJOR upsets in today’s matches to get to this round of 16!

Three of you here are unseeded players (meaning, you don’t have a ranking in this tournament), BUT don’t let that get you down because you are kicking some serious hiney!

Here’s what happened:

One of you unseeded players beat the No. 11 seed. (And yes, it’s “seed.” I know it seems like it should be “seat,” but it ain’t.)

One of you plowed over the No. 7 seed.

One of you unseeded players beat Martina Hingis, 16th seed, and all da shiz in Women’s Tennis just a few years back.

And one of you, a mere teenager, scored the biggest upset of the day, ousting defending US Open Champion, 2nd seed in this year’s tournament, not to mention reigning tennis hot-hot-hottie, Maria Sharapova!

Phhhhew! You guys rock! There are gonna be some nailbiters this year! YEEE-HAA!

Also, frankly, thank GOD I can just refer to you as your Thing. Most of these names are inutterable, finger-twisting klonskavadzekovalenko dealios. So praise the Lord above for blessed names like Dean. Mar-tin. Goo-gul. Jazz. Ham-il-ton. Additionally, praise the Lord for meee, the genius divinely inspired to rob these players of their names and their talent and their very humanity and use it for The Best Thing Ever Blog Game! Hallelujah!

All right now. Don’t get me all hopped up on the wonder that is me or I’ll just never stop talkin’.

So here we go. Player assignments, along with links for you to bio/photos of the players. Again, feel free to fall in love with everything about your player. I really think it’s essential to your overall enjoyment and satisfaction. I mean, like I always say, “Love must exist before dehumanization or dehumanization means nothing. Nothing!”

Okay. PRRO-ceed:

Dean Martin — WordGirl
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Victoria Azarenka (BLR) The upstart who beat Martina Hingis.

PostSecret — red fish
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Svetlana Kuznetsova (RUS)

The Constitution — Cullen
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Julia Vakulenko (UKR)

Alexander Hamilton — sheila
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Agnes Szavay (HUN) Little rascal who beat the No. 7 seed.

Denzel Washington — Kathi
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Tamira Paszek (AUT) Look at you, Denzel, you sexy chocolate bear — beating the No. 11 seed!

Jazz — Katie
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Agnieszka Radwanska (POL) Jazz girl is the 30th seed, 18-year-old kid who BEAT reigning US Open champ Maria Sharapova. WOW. Jazz hot, baby!

Google — Sarah
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Anna Chakvetadze (RUS) Oh, and watch out, Maria Sharapova! Google girl could be the new tennis hottie!

Paul Bunyan — Anita
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Sahar Peer (ISR)

There you go! You are your Thing. Your Thing is now your Player. Your Player plays to serve your Thing. Which sounds wrong somehow. I dunno. You figure it out. Just keep me out of it, ‘kay?

Match-ups posted soon. Work on your sad boo-byes.

And see you on the court, peeps.