February 26, 2010

-image-oops!

Had to take my last post away. There were ….. issues.

February 24, 2010

-image-“scarecrow’s dream”

Probably my favorite Dan Fogelberg song.

This video is utterly ridiculous, just so you know. I don’t post this for the video, but for the song itself. I mean, every time the lyrics say “crowned” — guess what? There’s a crown! I’ve talked about this before: these amateur YouTube “filmmakers” and their literal interpretations of every little thing — it’s all quite painful. So, please, just listen, because you’ll laugh if you watch. There are faeries and random torsos and crowns and trees stark against an unforgiving sky, blahdie blah blah. And, as we all know, trees stark against an unforgiving sky say, “I am 15 and I am very deep.” Oh, and it’s mostly in black and white, so it’s super duper deep.

Dan Fogelberg is turning in his too-early grave on this one. Fair warning. It is ridiculous.

So whatever yourself. Just listen. I love the lyrics.

Seldom seen
A scarecrow’s dream
I hang in the hopes of replacement
Castles tall
I built them all
But I dream that I’m trapped in
the basement.

And if you ever hear me calling out
And if you’ve been by paupers crowned
Between the worlds of men and make-believe
I can be found.

Plans I’ve made
A masquerade
Fading in fear of the coming day
Heroes’ tales
Like nightingales
Wrestle the wind as they run away.

And if you ever hear them calling out
And if you’ve been by paupers crowned
Between the worlds of men and make-believe
I can be found.

Garden gate
An empty plate
Waiting for someone to come and fill
Scarecrow’s dreams
Like frozen streams
Thirst for the fall
But they’re running still.

And if you ever hear me calling out
And if you’ve been by paupers crowned
Between the worlds of men and make-believe
I can be found.

February 22, 2010

-image-“jessica” comments on “shiver”

Visitor “jessica” comments on my 60-second review of Shiver:

hey its not all about the sexual crap. Its interesting when you look beyond all that. I mean come on you get to see the inside look from a werewolves point of you. I dont know about you but i love wolves so… Its pretty hard to find a werewolf book these days. what with all these stupid vampire boks uh can you say boring oh puh-lease. and if you like things were there is blood and gore your reading the wrong book. I would know because i am a very sick person my self and if im sayings its a good book then thats saying something right then. so whatever yourself. hey everyone has their opipion and im not going to dis on yours but im just stating my own. so have fun hope ya read it again and see it from a differnt point of view. ~Running with the wolves – Shadow Celtic~

Hi, Jessica. I’m glad you love wolves. I, myself, am neutral about them, unless one were to try to kill me, then I’m sure I’d form an opinion very quickly.

I don’t think I mentioned any “sexual crap” in my brief review. But you’re right. That’s a good thing to remember in life, Jess: It’s not all about the sexual crap.

There are a lot of vampire boks, though, I agree.

Your right here, too: I do have my own opipion. So whatever myself. Im not entirely clear on your opipion, but whatever yourself. Or should that be myself? Im confused by the use of the reflexive pronoun and feel insecure about which way it’s supposed to flex here in the newfangled 21st century that baffles me so. I probably should have paid more attention in school. I might have learned this.

And yes, if you read around this blog, I am ALL about the blood and gore and sex. The banner gives that away, I’m sure. I even thought of naming the blog “Blood and Gore and Sex.” (Shut up, pippa. I’m not changing it.)

I’m sorry your a very sick person your self. Feel better, is what im sayings here. I do hope it’s not the dread acromegaly.

Thanks for hoping I’ll read it again; however, I feel it only fair to tell you, you should lose that, Crackie. I don’t think I need a differnt point of view. I’m fine with mine. Hope ya have fun too. Stay in school! Or, you know, go! ~ Generally avoiding the wolves – Shadow Crankypants

Uhm.

Is anyone else fearing for our future about now?

Indulging my inner gammie: Uh, WHAT are they teaching the kiddos in school these days???

Speling? Writting? Sexual crap?

I am so very old.

February 20, 2010

-image-leave tiger woods alone

So Tiger Woods has apologized to the entire world, apparently, for cheating on his wife and now people are parsing his apology, debating its merits, judging its sincerity.

And, you know, I hate this kind of stuff. I really do.

I’ve talked about this before, with Christian Bale’s big meltdown on the set of Terminator a while back and I still feel exactly the same way. I will never NOT feel this way.

It boils down to this: Public figures do not owe public apologies for private wrongs.

Christian Bale owed private apologies to the people directly involved or affected by his profanity-laced tirade.

And Tiger Woods owes private apologies to the people directly involved or affected by his adulteries.

That’s it. That’s it.

To rake him over the coals, to judge the merits or sincerity or even body language of his unnecessary public apology, to continue to behave as if this public figure owes you something personally is equal parts arrogance and naivete. He owes you nothing. This is a huge pet peeve of mine — people who boo-hoo-hoo about how disappointed they are when their sports “hero” or their celebrity “hero” does something wrong that in no way involves them personally.

If you’re someone who feels that Tiger Woods let you down — personally — you’re granting him too much power in your life and too little humanity in his. Stop expecting celebrities and athletes to be your role models for model behavior. That’s just ridiculous and unfair to the celebrity. They’re human. They’re going to screw up and hurt people and lie and swear and do drugs and cheat. Uhm, pretty much like the rest of us. So find role models elsewhere and learn how to separate what an athlete or actor DOES for a living from who they ARE in their personal life. Because they’re great on the screen or on the field or in the pool doesn’t mean they’re a person of great character. It doesn’t necessarily mean they’re not, either, but the problem comes from expecting heroic personal behavior from someone who is your sports “hero” or your acting “hero.” Stellar achievement doesn’t automatically equal stellar character. This seems a total no-brainer to me. Allow yourself to admire them simply for what they DO and allow them the freedom to be who they ARE, warts and all. Why imprison them in your unrealistic expectations? They don’t OWE you perfect behavior or, really, even decent behavior. I’m not sure they OWE you anything. Admire Bale’s performances or not. Admire Tiger’s game or not. Don’t expect superhuman behavior from them if you don’t expect it from yourself.

Let them do what they do and be who they are. They extend the same courtesy to you, don’t they? Just because they’re public figures doesn’t change the basic mess of their humanity. Just like toiling in obscurity doesn’t change ours.

Final thought: Christians? Don’t expect public figures who don’t embrace your beliefs to live according to your beliefs, okay? Shaking your head and wagging your finger at people who have failed to live up to standards they themselves don’t hold — well, it doesn’t help the cause. Or if you choose to do that, don’t scratch your head in bewilderment next time you hear Christians labeled as judgmental. As Christians, would you reject sharia law being imposed on you? I sure would. Well, don’t impose your Christian sharia on nonbelievers. You honestly don’t look any better when you do.

This just in: I am a crankypants.

February 18, 2010

-image-just a weirdo in love with a commercial

That’s what I am.

Here’s the newest Old Spice commercial. Yes. Old Spice.

I have a particular fondness for Old Spice. My dad used to wear it every day when I was a little kid, so I have a deep sensory memory attached to it. And we can all remember that whistling Old Spice theme and the rugged sailor coming home from the sea — smelling great, amazingly, and not like dead fish. It was very swoony and romantic to my little girl sensibilities. But for many years now, if you ever even saw an Old Spice commercial, they just seemed played, awkward, as if they’d lost their way, knew darn well they had, and were hanging their spicy-sweet heads in shame.

Not anymore, pippa.

Say hello to the new Old Spice.

Yummy. And hilarious. Good job, Old Spice!

I have to give kudos to this actor, too. I think he’s brilliant in this.

February 17, 2010

-image-doctors say the darndest things

So the big hell job was actually really interesting. To me, anyway. I mean, I got to see each of these doctors on DVD, look at their overly worked faces, feel their massive egos exploding off the screen. Some of what they said was fascinating because the information was brand new to me. But some of it was fascinating because of their total disconnect with the average person’s life and sensibilities.

For those who are curious, these doctors practice in THE LARGEST PRIVATE PRACTICE PLASTIC SURGICAL GROUP IN THE COUNTRY AND WE ALL SAID THAT REPEATEDLY, BLAHDIE BLAH BLAH.

It’s located in a York that is Old on an Island that is Short. So, yes: Short Isle Flexible Incisional Team. (Ain’t the thesaurus grand?) Change each word and look ’em up. You can see all the doctors I spent the last week of my life with. These interviews will be (massively) edited into short meet-the-doctor videos for their website. The doctors were repeatedly exhorted by the producer to keep the answers short, not to go into too much detail, to speak as if they’re talking to a kid on a bus. Of course, they did NONE of these things. On and on and on they went …… he who speaks the most words wins …. Arghhhhh.

So below are just some of the quotes that struck me from these various interviews, the longest of which was ONE HOUR AND ELEVEN MINUTES. Do you KNOW how many words a person can say in ONE HOUR AND ELEVEN MINUTES when they are basically the only one talking? (I was told his was the “most important” interview. He was very pretty and a terrible terrible communicator and his was actually the worst interview. Save me, baby Jesus.)

I’m not including the questions, mainly because I was told not to include those (a little weird) — just the answers. Well, I’ll fill in a paraphrased question if I need to for clarification. And these answers are as they spoke them. I mean, I didn’t change their errors, except for the one doctor who kept saying “stigmata” when he meant “stigma.” I could not let that stand, even though it was hilarious. Otherwise, it had to match the audio to the best of my ability.

Here we go:

I’m interested in both aesthetic and reconstructive enhancement of the appearance of my patients, be it from defects, from trauma, cancer surgery, or burns, or from somebody who just comes in and is concerned about the way they look because that’s the way they look.

Truly a sensitive soul. This guy never smiled and was a deer in the headlights the entire interview. Also, sorry to say, he was weird lookin’. I would definitely not go to him for cosmetic surgery or because I’m concerned about the way I look because that’s the way I look. Hahahaha. Said with a totally straight face.

More from him. Here’s a total disconnect with reality:

I think that these days, if you look outside, with unemployment being above 10%, there are folks out there that are finding themselves in the position of trying to look for jobs when they haven’t had to do it in a good 15 to 20 years. What does that mean to them? It means that they are now competing with people that are that much younger than them. You want to bring experience, but you also want to project the look of vigor. The look of vigor is the look of youth. We are a youth-oriented society and a youth-oriented culture. So to that end, I think that while you are delivering experience, you also have to deliver the look of the ability to produce and that is, once again, the look of youth. So you want to look the part. You don’t just want to act the part these days. You want to look the part.

So, if you’re unemployed, on unemployment, your first step should be to call the Short Isle Flexible Incisional Team and gather your pennies, your subway tokens, your Monopoly money, and slap them all down on some invasive cosmetic surgery — which, don’t worry, you’ll be totally recovered from in about six weeks — so you can have the look of vigor which is the look of youth, okay, Crackie? THAT is Step 1 in the job hunt. I love that he actually said, “…. you also have to deliver the look of the ability to produce ….” not that you actually have to produce. Phew. What a relief. Just look good and you’ll get a job. Dude, haven’t you seen the “Just For Men” commercials? It’s a lot cheaper, too.

Again, it cannot be overstated how utterly expressionless this man was. Too much, as Bruno says, “butt talks”? His mouth moved and that was it. Even then, he muttered and was nearly impossible to understand. His brows were very lifted, though, and his forehead wrinkle free. Imagine that. He DID have the look of the ability to produce.

So another answer from this drone. The question was something about “What are patients going to get when they come to you?”

Well, they’re going to get somebody who’s got extensive training. They’re going to get somebody who’s personable, nice, smiles when he needs to and, you know, I guess becomes a professor when he needs to, too. They’re going to get customer service. That’s what they’re going to get. They’re going to get somebody who’s always reachable, who always responds to their emails, concerns, and communicates well with their physicians and with themselves and their families.

“Smiles when he needs to.” Uhm, so when is that?? Yes, I want a doctor who only smiles when he needs to and has the look of the ability to produce. This guy killed me. “Extensive training”? Isn’t that supposed to be true of all doctors?

********
Another weird-lookin’ doc with zero personality. He was completely rigid and uptight the entire interview. The producer kept trying to get him to loosen up, just be himself, but he had no “loosen” and I think he was being himself. A sort of walking statue of a human.

“What are patients going to get when they come to you?”

Besides my wise-ass comments? Interesting. Well, I think one of the most important things that patients get from me is someone who’s very empathetic, understanding of their circumstances, due to a fair amount of exposure to patients, especially — again, it’s not really going to matter if I keep honing in on the breast stuff, right?

WHAT wise-ass comments? Please let me hear some. I will pay you never to touch me but to say one — just ONE — wise-ass comment. Gah. Torture. (Doc, if I slit my wrists from listening to you, will you sew me up?) I laughed out loud at the way he said “Interesting” — as if the question were clinically interesting to him. As if he needed to mull it over, you know, as a scientist. I mean, these guys fascinated me because, almost to a man, I found them entirely unrelatable as human beings.

And I love how he stops mid-answer so he can “keep honing in on the breast stuff” — classy — which really had nothing to do with the question. The dude could NOT stop talking about boobs. Hon, you ain’t ever touching mine.

Same doc. Next answer:

Again, those patients that often come in with complex breast issues get someone who’s seen this and has a pretty good understanding of what they’re going through, due to my exposure to multiple patients, and to a certain extent can put myself in their shoes. Obviously, there’s a limit there.

Hahahahahahaha. Yes, obviously, dude.

Again, they were all told to “Keep It Simple, Stupid. This is for a two-minute video for prospective patients.” Come ON. So in that vein — or maybe vain? — here’s more from Dr. Boobo:

I am very comfortable forming DIEP flaps — D-I-E-P, deep inferior epigastric perforator flaps; as well as S-GAPs — superior gluteal artery perforator flaps; including TUG flaps — transverse upper gracilis myocutaneous free flaps. These are mostly perforator-based breast reconstruction. As long as the patient’s body habitus allows for this procedure to be performed for them and they’re the appropriate patient and it’s indicated, these are superb techniques for breast reconstruction.

Uhm, Boobo? Thank you so much for that. You know, I have a pretty solid medical terminology background (thank you, soul-sucking court reporting school!) but, yamahama, this was hairy, and this was just part of it. Bruno actually fared better with it all than I did. Mainly, because I’m kind of squeamish and I do NOT want to hear about flaps on my body, your body, or anybody’s body. “People must keep their flaps to themselves at all times,” is what I always say. After this ridiculous bloviating answer, I loved how the producer said, “Well, as superb as they may be, I’m not sure that’s information that will draw prospective patients to you. So let’s focus more on those kinds of things.” Hahahahaha. Yes, please. NO MORE FLAPS, Boobo.

**********

Oh, another doc distracted by his reflection in the pool:

“What else do you think we should talk about? Have we covered everything?”

Oh, why don’t we talk about my tummy tucks? I do an AMAZING belly button.

He went on to describe his AMAZING belly buttons in way too much detail for me. I had to get up and take a break so I wouldn’t faint. Yep. Pretty amazing and gross.

**********

Yet another doctor. This man was one of my favorites. (I had three and I will hook you up with them should you ever find yourself in need of their services.) This man had a little twinkle in his eye and — AND — a sense of humor. This was his last comment of the interview. Now THIS is a sound bite. THIS is how you do it:

Oh, I definitely have a passion for it. I often think that when I die, see, there will be this tombstone and it will say, “The Man Who Loved Noses.”

It was kind of disarming how he used his hands to sort of “envision” across the air what his tombstone would read. So it wasn’t just the audio, which was brilliant, it was the visual here too. Perfect. And something about the way he threw the word, “see” in there was totally endearing to me. I like it and I’m still not sure why. Kind of sounds childlike and spontaneous, maybe? I don’t know. It just gets me for some reason. His whole — SHORT — statement was a moment of sheer whimsy amidst all the research and terminology and hoit and toit and puffery and egos. I’m quite happy with my nose, but if I ever needed a nose job, I would run, not walk, to “The Man Who Loved Noses,” wouldn’t you?

So hurrah!! Something worth using!! Bravo, Doc!!

Out of hours and hours and hours of video, that was the best line of all.

February 15, 2010

-image-bruno

So I finished my huge hell editing job, thank God. It was a seriously massive undertaking that I’d still be slogging away on if not for Bruno.

Remember Bruno?

Bruno is my voice recognition software program. Well, he’s actually one of the voices in my voice recognition software, but I just refer to the whole thing as Bruno now.

As I’ve said before, you have to train Bruno and discipline him, like a naughty dog. Each time you use the software, you can train him to “hear” your voice better so he improves the next time you talk to him.

It’s pretty cool.

Sometimes, though, Bruno still poos on the verbal carpet and you must smack him or rub his nose in it or whatever best completes this analogy so I can move on here.

What gets me is he has no problem at all recognizing words no normal person ever uses — like, oh “myocutaneous” or “craniosynostosis” — but then screws up the most basic things like “a” as “the” and “we’re” as “where.” Little niggling things like that.

Some are honest mistakes on his part. Some are my mistakes if I talk too fast and get mush mouth trying to both listen and keep up with the speed of the speaker. And most of these doctors were HORRIBLE communicators. Stopping and starting. Never finishing a thought. Ugh.

But during this job, I kept a running tally of some of my miscommunications with Bruno. Remember, these guys were all hoity-toity plastic surgeon types talking about why they’re awesome, essentially.

So here are a few of our misunderstandings:

Doc said: Being involved more with patients is important.

Bruno heard: Being in Baltimore with patients is important.

Yeah. Uh, good thing I had your back on that one, Bruno. Really, I mean, tsk, tsk, tsk, hon. Accusing this innocent — albeit massively egotistical — doctor of being in Baltimore with patients.

Doc said: A camaraderie amongst ….

Bruno heard: A camaraderie of angst ….

Hahahahaha, Bruno. I like that one.

Doc said: Botox

Bruno heard: butt talks

I don’t even want to know what he was thinking here. He did this repeatedly until I had to smack him but good and explain to him what Botox was. You know, the fact that Bruno is familiar with something called butt talks and unfamiliar with Botox has implications I really prefer not to consider.

Doc said: It’s important to evaluate the care that’s being provided.

Bruno heard: It’s important to evaluate the carrot being provided.

Well, Bruno, you know, you’re not wrong here. I always size up my carrots before eating. I mean, this is just solid sage advice from the …. uhm …. electronic voice in my computer.

Doc said: Nipple/areola.

Bruno heard: Nipple area love.

Uhm, is poor Bruno perhaps a little oversexed? Or just preoccupied? Look. I am not responsible. I have no idea what he does on his own time.

Doc said: I treat various wounds and illnesses.

Bruno heard: I treat various wines and illnesses.

Seriously, Bruno, there are some major Freudian issues at work with you. Wine? Nipples? Butt talks? You clearly crave debauchery.

But, really, I should cut Bruno some slack because I’m sure I made his life a hassle every time I coughed and didn’t mute the microphone, which was a lot. (I’m sorry, Bruno. I am a cow.)

So he did what he does: heard sounds and did his best to translate them.

Here are some of his attempts:

I said: (cough …. gag)

Bruno heard: “death”

Uhm, I kid you not. He translated one of my violent hacks as “death.” This concerns me. Has Bruno become sentient? Psychic? Homicidal? HAL???

I said: (hack …. arf)

Bruno heard: “conflict”

Bruno …… is there something you need to tell me? Are you MAD at me?? We need to talk.

I said: (gag … rorrrf)

Bruno heard: “bitten”

Uh, okay. So Bruno is a vampire. Is it me or does this seem a lot less sexy than Twilight ?

Lastly …..

I said: (ack …. ruff)

Bruno heard: “riddance”

Pippa, tell me ….. should I be concerned?

February 14, 2010

-image-valentine snippet

We are driving past two dudes running together. Generally, dudes in our neighborhood don’t run together unless they’re, uhm, really together. I notice their calves because I always notice calves because MB has the best calves I’ve ever seen in my life.

ME: They both have pretty nice calves. Not as nice as yours, though.
HE: Well, being gay gives you lots of time to work out.
ME: So you’re saying it’s a time saver?
HE: Yeah. “I was really pressed for time so I decided to become gay.”

February 12, 2010

-image-where mb gives me advice

“You have to look at Outing Person like Old Yeller at the end of the movie. He was good for a time and then … he got the rabies and it was over for Old Yeller. He just wasn’t any good for anyone. And his best friend had to shoot him in the head.”

Hahahahahahahaha.

He speaks my language, that man.

February 11, 2010

-image-i hate doctors

It’s official. I hate doctors. Now, true, I haven’t liked them in general for quite a while because they haven’t had a whole lot of good news for MB and me over the years. Then, of course, there was the Obli Doctor and his incompetent stabbing of the hideous and horribly located obli (unscramble the letters — I still can’t say it) and the Pneumonia Doctor who pointed out the “gas” and “poop” on my x-ray and made me turn the beetiest of beet reds while he chuckled at me like a condescending weenie. In his defense, I did ASK him what that alien “Mr. Bill-looking thingie” was inside my body, but did he lie to spare me the embarrassment of it all? No. No, he did not. I mean, look, Slappy. My temperature is 104. My pulse is 150. Cut me some slack. Do not point out my “gas” and “poop” — EVEN IF I ASK. I am delirious and deathly ill. Necrotic and awful. Comprende?

But my enmity for doctors is spreading, going national, because I now hate every plastic surgeon in New York in a deeply personal way.

Because I now KNOW every plastic surgeon in New York in a deeply personal way.

And Old Yeller? Mustard Teeth Guy? Honestly, you seem to have had a brow lift and yet your teeth are little yellow beach pebbles. Where are your priorities? Brows over TEETH? I mean, if a patient peed that color, you would no doubt hook them up to an IV of saline, do a urinalysis, a CBC, a CMP, now and STAT! and all that other medical mumbo-jumbo.

The thing is …. your teeth …. they actually ENRAGE me, which can only mean that all this talk of breast mounds has truly sent me ’round the bend.

Or mound.

Or whatever.

Stay tuned for even more blather including: priceless hoity-toity doctor quotes.

Yamahama, Crackie. For doctor types, they sure be dumb.

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