bruno

So I finished my huge hell editing job, thank God. It was a seriously massive undertaking that I’d still be slogging away on if not for Bruno.

Remember Bruno?

Bruno is my voice recognition software program. Well, he’s actually one of the voices in my voice recognition software, but I just refer to the whole thing as Bruno now.

As I’ve said before, you have to train Bruno and discipline him, like a naughty dog. Each time you use the software, you can train him to “hear” your voice better so he improves the next time you talk to him.

It’s pretty cool.

Sometimes, though, Bruno still poos on the verbal carpet and you must smack him or rub his nose in it or whatever best completes this analogy so I can move on here.

What gets me is he has no problem at all recognizing words no normal person ever uses — like, oh “myocutaneous” or “craniosynostosis” — but then screws up the most basic things like “a” as “the” and “we’re” as “where.” Little niggling things like that.

Some are honest mistakes on his part. Some are my mistakes if I talk too fast and get mush mouth trying to both listen and keep up with the speed of the speaker. And most of these doctors were HORRIBLE communicators. Stopping and starting. Never finishing a thought. Ugh.

But during this job, I kept a running tally of some of my miscommunications with Bruno. Remember, these guys were all hoity-toity plastic surgeon types talking about why they’re awesome, essentially.

So here are a few of our misunderstandings:

Doc said: Being involved more with patients is important.

Bruno heard: Being in Baltimore with patients is important.

Yeah. Uh, good thing I had your back on that one, Bruno. Really, I mean, tsk, tsk, tsk, hon. Accusing this innocent — albeit massively egotistical — doctor of being in Baltimore with patients.

Doc said: A camaraderie amongst ….

Bruno heard: A camaraderie of angst ….

Hahahahaha, Bruno. I like that one.

Doc said: Botox

Bruno heard: butt talks

I don’t even want to know what he was thinking here. He did this repeatedly until I had to smack him but good and explain to him what Botox was. You know, the fact that Bruno is familiar with something called butt talks and unfamiliar with Botox has implications I really prefer not to consider.

Doc said: It’s important to evaluate the care that’s being provided.

Bruno heard: It’s important to evaluate the carrot being provided.

Well, Bruno, you know, you’re not wrong here. I always size up my carrots before eating. I mean, this is just solid sage advice from the …. uhm …. electronic voice in my computer.

Doc said: Nipple/areola.

Bruno heard: Nipple area love.

Uhm, is poor Bruno perhaps a little oversexed? Or just preoccupied? Look. I am not responsible. I have no idea what he does on his own time.

Doc said: I treat various wounds and illnesses.

Bruno heard: I treat various wines and illnesses.

Seriously, Bruno, there are some major Freudian issues at work with you. Wine? Nipples? Butt talks? You clearly crave debauchery.

But, really, I should cut Bruno some slack because I’m sure I made his life a hassle every time I coughed and didn’t mute the microphone, which was a lot. (I’m sorry, Bruno. I am a cow.)

So he did what he does: heard sounds and did his best to translate them.

Here are some of his attempts:

I said: (cough …. gag)

Bruno heard: “death”

Uhm, I kid you not. He translated one of my violent hacks as “death.” This concerns me. Has Bruno become sentient? Psychic? Homicidal? HAL???

I said: (hack …. arf)

Bruno heard: “conflict”

Bruno …… is there something you need to tell me? Are you MAD at me?? We need to talk.

I said: (gag … rorrrf)

Bruno heard: “bitten”

Uh, okay. So Bruno is a vampire. Is it me or does this seem a lot less sexy than Twilight ?

Lastly …..

I said: (ack …. ruff)

Bruno heard: “riddance”

Pippa, tell me ….. should I be concerned?