doctors say the darndest things

So the big hell job was actually really interesting. To me, anyway. I mean, I got to see each of these doctors on DVD, look at their overly worked faces, feel their massive egos exploding off the screen. Some of what they said was fascinating because the information was brand new to me. But some of it was fascinating because of their total disconnect with the average person’s life and sensibilities.

For those who are curious, these doctors practice in THE LARGEST PRIVATE PRACTICE PLASTIC SURGICAL GROUP IN THE COUNTRY AND WE ALL SAID THAT REPEATEDLY, BLAHDIE BLAH BLAH.

It’s located in a York that is Old on an Island that is Short. So, yes: Short Isle Flexible Incisional Team. (Ain’t the thesaurus grand?) Change each word and look ’em up. You can see all the doctors I spent the last week of my life with. These interviews will be (massively) edited into short meet-the-doctor videos for their website. The doctors were repeatedly exhorted by the producer to keep the answers short, not to go into too much detail, to speak as if they’re talking to a kid on a bus. Of course, they did NONE of these things. On and on and on they went …… he who speaks the most words wins …. Arghhhhh.

So below are just some of the quotes that struck me from these various interviews, the longest of which was ONE HOUR AND ELEVEN MINUTES. Do you KNOW how many words a person can say in ONE HOUR AND ELEVEN MINUTES when they are basically the only one talking? (I was told his was the “most important” interview. He was very pretty and a terrible terrible communicator and his was actually the worst interview. Save me, baby Jesus.)

I’m not including the questions, mainly because I was told not to include those (a little weird) — just the answers. Well, I’ll fill in a paraphrased question if I need to for clarification. And these answers are as they spoke them. I mean, I didn’t change their errors, except for the one doctor who kept saying “stigmata” when he meant “stigma.” I could not let that stand, even though it was hilarious. Otherwise, it had to match the audio to the best of my ability.

Here we go:

I’m interested in both aesthetic and reconstructive enhancement of the appearance of my patients, be it from defects, from trauma, cancer surgery, or burns, or from somebody who just comes in and is concerned about the way they look because that’s the way they look.

Truly a sensitive soul. This guy never smiled and was a deer in the headlights the entire interview. Also, sorry to say, he was weird lookin’. I would definitely not go to him for cosmetic surgery or because I’m concerned about the way I look because that’s the way I look. Hahahaha. Said with a totally straight face.

More from him. Here’s a total disconnect with reality:

I think that these days, if you look outside, with unemployment being above 10%, there are folks out there that are finding themselves in the position of trying to look for jobs when they haven’t had to do it in a good 15 to 20 years. What does that mean to them? It means that they are now competing with people that are that much younger than them. You want to bring experience, but you also want to project the look of vigor. The look of vigor is the look of youth. We are a youth-oriented society and a youth-oriented culture. So to that end, I think that while you are delivering experience, you also have to deliver the look of the ability to produce and that is, once again, the look of youth. So you want to look the part. You don’t just want to act the part these days. You want to look the part.

So, if you’re unemployed, on unemployment, your first step should be to call the Short Isle Flexible Incisional Team and gather your pennies, your subway tokens, your Monopoly money, and slap them all down on some invasive cosmetic surgery — which, don’t worry, you’ll be totally recovered from in about six weeks — so you can have the look of vigor which is the look of youth, okay, Crackie? THAT is Step 1 in the job hunt. I love that he actually said, “…. you also have to deliver the look of the ability to produce ….” not that you actually have to produce. Phew. What a relief. Just look good and you’ll get a job. Dude, haven’t you seen the “Just For Men” commercials? It’s a lot cheaper, too.

Again, it cannot be overstated how utterly expressionless this man was. Too much, as Bruno says, “butt talks”? His mouth moved and that was it. Even then, he muttered and was nearly impossible to understand. His brows were very lifted, though, and his forehead wrinkle free. Imagine that. He DID have the look of the ability to produce.

So another answer from this drone. The question was something about “What are patients going to get when they come to you?”

Well, they’re going to get somebody who’s got extensive training. They’re going to get somebody who’s personable, nice, smiles when he needs to and, you know, I guess becomes a professor when he needs to, too. They’re going to get customer service. That’s what they’re going to get. They’re going to get somebody who’s always reachable, who always responds to their emails, concerns, and communicates well with their physicians and with themselves and their families.

“Smiles when he needs to.” Uhm, so when is that?? Yes, I want a doctor who only smiles when he needs to and has the look of the ability to produce. This guy killed me. “Extensive training”? Isn’t that supposed to be true of all doctors?

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Another weird-lookin’ doc with zero personality. He was completely rigid and uptight the entire interview. The producer kept trying to get him to loosen up, just be himself, but he had no “loosen” and I think he was being himself. A sort of walking statue of a human.

“What are patients going to get when they come to you?”

Besides my wise-ass comments? Interesting. Well, I think one of the most important things that patients get from me is someone who’s very empathetic, understanding of their circumstances, due to a fair amount of exposure to patients, especially — again, it’s not really going to matter if I keep honing in on the breast stuff, right?

WHAT wise-ass comments? Please let me hear some. I will pay you never to touch me but to say one — just ONE — wise-ass comment. Gah. Torture. (Doc, if I slit my wrists from listening to you, will you sew me up?) I laughed out loud at the way he said “Interesting” — as if the question were clinically interesting to him. As if he needed to mull it over, you know, as a scientist. I mean, these guys fascinated me because, almost to a man, I found them entirely unrelatable as human beings.

And I love how he stops mid-answer so he can “keep honing in on the breast stuff” — classy — which really had nothing to do with the question. The dude could NOT stop talking about boobs. Hon, you ain’t ever touching mine.

Same doc. Next answer:

Again, those patients that often come in with complex breast issues get someone who’s seen this and has a pretty good understanding of what they’re going through, due to my exposure to multiple patients, and to a certain extent can put myself in their shoes. Obviously, there’s a limit there.

Hahahahahahaha. Yes, obviously, dude.

Again, they were all told to “Keep It Simple, Stupid. This is for a two-minute video for prospective patients.” Come ON. So in that vein — or maybe vain? — here’s more from Dr. Boobo:

I am very comfortable forming DIEP flaps — D-I-E-P, deep inferior epigastric perforator flaps; as well as S-GAPs — superior gluteal artery perforator flaps; including TUG flaps — transverse upper gracilis myocutaneous free flaps. These are mostly perforator-based breast reconstruction. As long as the patient’s body habitus allows for this procedure to be performed for them and they’re the appropriate patient and it’s indicated, these are superb techniques for breast reconstruction.

Uhm, Boobo? Thank you so much for that. You know, I have a pretty solid medical terminology background (thank you, soul-sucking court reporting school!) but, yamahama, this was hairy, and this was just part of it. Bruno actually fared better with it all than I did. Mainly, because I’m kind of squeamish and I do NOT want to hear about flaps on my body, your body, or anybody’s body. “People must keep their flaps to themselves at all times,” is what I always say. After this ridiculous bloviating answer, I loved how the producer said, “Well, as superb as they may be, I’m not sure that’s information that will draw prospective patients to you. So let’s focus more on those kinds of things.” Hahahahaha. Yes, please. NO MORE FLAPS, Boobo.

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Oh, another doc distracted by his reflection in the pool:

“What else do you think we should talk about? Have we covered everything?”

Oh, why don’t we talk about my tummy tucks? I do an AMAZING belly button.

He went on to describe his AMAZING belly buttons in way too much detail for me. I had to get up and take a break so I wouldn’t faint. Yep. Pretty amazing and gross.

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Yet another doctor. This man was one of my favorites. (I had three and I will hook you up with them should you ever find yourself in need of their services.) This man had a little twinkle in his eye and — AND — a sense of humor. This was his last comment of the interview. Now THIS is a sound bite. THIS is how you do it:

Oh, I definitely have a passion for it. I often think that when I die, see, there will be this tombstone and it will say, “The Man Who Loved Noses.”

It was kind of disarming how he used his hands to sort of “envision” across the air what his tombstone would read. So it wasn’t just the audio, which was brilliant, it was the visual here too. Perfect. And something about the way he threw the word, “see” in there was totally endearing to me. I like it and I’m still not sure why. Kind of sounds childlike and spontaneous, maybe? I don’t know. It just gets me for some reason. His whole — SHORT — statement was a moment of sheer whimsy amidst all the research and terminology and hoit and toit and puffery and egos. I’m quite happy with my nose, but if I ever needed a nose job, I would run, not walk, to “The Man Who Loved Noses,” wouldn’t you?

So hurrah!! Something worth using!! Bravo, Doc!!

Out of hours and hours and hours of video, that was the best line of all.