beyond the pale

Looky what I found! A totally whackadoodle test that SEES INTO YOUR INNERMOST BEING. For real, dudes.

Okay. Ready?

Take this test and don’t cheat. Don’t read ahead, just do it in order. It takes about 3 minutes.

First get a pen and paper.

When you actually choose names, make sure it’s people you actually know, and go with your first instincts. (Uh, this is key. I just made up one random name in the game because I didna’ read zee instructions.)

Scroll down one line at a time – don’t read ahead or you’ll ruin the fun! (OKAAY!! DAMN.)

1. First, write the numbers 1 through to 9 in a column.

2. Then, beside numbers 1 and 5, write down the names of members of the opposite sex from you. (Boys write girls. Girls write boys. Just to clarify. Ha. People you know, remember. Don’t make my fatal error.)

3. Write anyone’s name (like friends or family) in the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th spots.

4. Write down four song titles in 6, 7, 8, and 9th spots. Just whatever comes to mind.

Stop! Do not scroll down until you’re finished answering the questions! (You, know, I just copied and pasted these directions and I have to say, I find them very bossy and controlling. They need to calm down.)

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All righty …………

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Here is the key for the game…

1. The person in space #1 is the one that you love. (Hope it’s the right person; otherwise, you may want to trash these results. And you know, good luck with that.)

2. The person in 5 is one you like, but it wouldn’t work out. (Maybe ’cause of the existence of person #1, Testy O’Troublemaker??)

3. You care most about the person you put in 2. (Too bad for you, Numbers 1 and 5! This is where, tragically, I just wrote a random name. I mean, I don’t know — have never known — anyone named Joan. But wherever, whoever, you are, Joan, I care most about you; I really do.)

4. The person you name in number 3 is one who knows you very well.

5. The person you name in 4 is your lucky star. (Aw. I answered my niece, The Peep.)

6. The song in 6 is the song that matches with the person in number 1. (‘Crazy.’ Hahaha. I put MB for #1, so this is fairly accurate on many levels.)

7. The title in 7 is the song for the person in 5.

8. The #8 song is the song that tells you most about your mind. (Right. Okay. Hm. I answered ‘Kiss Me.’ Thaaat’s right. Wait. No, get offa me. Don’t kiss ME. KISS MY MIND! KISSS IT!)

9. And #9 is the song telling how you feel about life. (Uhm, my answer was ‘My Way.’ MMMY WAAAAAY!!)

All right. Anyone come up with anything interesting? That they won’t get in trouble for sharing? 😉 I mean, all we learned about me is that I care deeply about some Joan person — of Arc? Fontaine? Cusack? — my husband makes me crazy — but this is not any real revelation. I want everthing MMMY WAAAY and my mind is screaming out to be kissed. KISSSS IT!! KISS MY MIND, GOOBERS!!

A mental note I made last week: I saw my first commercial of the Christmas season on October 9th.

Can anyone beat that?

Okay. So we got this wedding invitation today. Inside, it was crammed with all kinds of extra slips of paper. Directions. RSVP. Lodging Options. Dining Options. It was like getting one of those mailers stuffed with coupons — but without the hope of any big savings on car washes or dry cleaning, consarnit all. The Dining Options slip offered a choice between New York steak, fresh salmon, or goat cheese ravioli — isn’t that nice? — and had this little blurb from the bride and groom across the top:

We’ll surprise you with the appetizers and dessert, but we figure the entree is a little too personal to leave up to 2 silly 22-year-olds to decide.

Uhm, but let’s decide to get MARRIED!!

(And, really, for me, the dessert is MUCH more personal. Sillies.)

For Sweeney Todd.

“IIIIIIIIIIII ….. am Adolpho Pirelli, da king of da barbers, da barber of kings, a buon giorno, good day! I blow you a keeess!” *smack*

Sasha Baron Cohen as Pirelli

“All right, you sir! How about a shave? Come and visit your good friend Sweeney!”

Johnny Depp as You-Know-Who

“I’ll warm me bones on the esplanade, have tea and scones with me gay young blade …” Sure ya will, hon.

Johnny Depp and Helena BoneHam Carter

“Oh, what a beautiful morrrrrrrnin’, oh, what a beauutiful daaaaay!” What? Is that wrong?

Helena BoneHam Carter

Still. Can’t. WAIT.

“It’s like art imitating life imitating art; that’s what makes it so real” Billy Ray Cyrus commenting on the Hannah Montana phenomenon.

“And, well, my fiance — he passed away.”

“Well, didn’t he DROWN??”

“Uhm, yes.”

“Well, did you try to hold on to him??”

“Well, we tried to hold on to each other, but after a while it just wasn’t possible.” Exchange between tsunami survivor/supermodel Petra Nemcova and that master of the social arts, Martha Stewart.

Yup. Thaaat’s right. I watch “Dancing with the Stars.” And I’m in love with that little race car driver Helio Castroneves, with his crazy alchemy of goofy tooth and dimples and featherfooted grace. He’s just champagne bubbles and charm and if you don’t get all giddy watching him, I’m afraid I must gently suggest: You are totally messed up.

Then there’s Marie Osmond. And I’m kinda loving her right now, too, what with her sauciness and wisecracks and performer’s spirit. She’s had 8 kids, for Lord’s sake, and her body shows it a bit, but she pulls out a great performance every week. She’s confident in her strengths as a performer and knows how to work ’em. Good for you, Marie! This week, for the Viennese Waltz, her partner sent her to some little kid ballet classes to work on her carriage. Marie said later, “All these little girls kept coming up to me in class saying, ‘You need to work on your core,’ and I said, ‘Yeah, who asked you??'”

Hahahahahaha. I loved her for that. Go, Marie!!

It’s black and Korean and beautiful.

Congratulations to Sheila, on her new Hyundai Accent!!!

And, you know, when your friend has a new baby, well, you wanna help her out, make sure she’s stocked up with stuff she needs, right? So to that end — and just to celebrate the new addition to her family — I madly cyber-shopped and found a few little items for Sheila, the new car-mom.

So here we go:

Because nothing says, “Hey, my car don’t stink” like those classic de-stenchifying pine trees. I mean, what if she goes clamming and gets all exhausted and throws the clam bucket all willy-nilly into the back seat of her new black Korean baby? Shiver me nostrils! Piney to the rescue! They have new smells now, too, like lavender, vanilla, lemon blossom, anti-clam, etc. NEAT!!

Because nothing says relaxation like hard wooden nuggets smushing into your tired tender back muscles. Guantanamo approved! Oh, and the beads stuff nicely into the mouths of any of your more youthful passengers — the perfect plug for that looming tantrum. NEAT!!

Because nothing says “I am a diehard, but classy, fan” like giant fuzzy MLB dice. hanging from your brand-new rearview. NEAT!!

Because nothing says, “I would never upset Tracey and go to Starbucks” like a nifty, non-Starbucks travel mug. They come in assorted colors — Passion and Seaglass and Midnight, to name just a few — and there are things like science and thermodynamics and patents involved! A mug for everyone that no one understands! NEAT!!

And, finally, nothing says, “Make voyages! Attempt them! There’s nothing else …” like your own, custom-made bumper sticker that says, uhhmm, “Make voyages! Attempt them! There’s nothing else …” NEAT!!

SO CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN, SHEILA!!

And DRIVE, BABY, DRIVE!!