beyond the pale

I found out on Friday I’m going to be an aunt again. The Banshees will have a little brother or sister. While I know I will eventually be happy to have a new nephew or niece, the day that news comes is always hard. Friday was hard. Bittersweet and sobby. The separation I feel from the rest of society is never more pronounced than at the precise moment that news is shared. A few people got delightful spewing emails from me that I’m sure only cemented me in their hearts as a source of real joy and sunshine. So that was Friday. Today is better.

Over the years, I’ve had people tell me they’re pregnant many many many times. Family, friends. And over the years, based on these experiences, good and bad, I’ve developed some pretty set ideas about what to say/what not to say when you’re announcing your pregnancy to a childless (not by choice) woman. Some of these might carry over for a single woman or, really, to any woman who has experienced grief and longing in this area. These are based on my personal reactions to various approaches, obviously, but I hope there is a carryover for other women as well.

Let’s walk through it. You find out you’re pregnant. You need to tell Betty, a childless friend/relative who you know struggles with that reality.

~ First, understand Betty is happy for you, most likely. Unless you’re some kind of ass-y, bitchy figure in her life, she IS happy for you. It’s just that in that moment, she is so so SAD for herself. Please understand. Betty’s sorrow is heavy and should be respected. It weighs much much more than your joy. I’m sorry. It’s just true. It’s a lifetime sorrow. Try to understand that fact going into your announcement. If you’re the praying type, ask for divine sensitivity. I ain’t kidding with that.

~ Do try not to be a douchebag. If you’re normally a douche, pray that God will give you 5 minutes of non-douche to break through your usual loathesome persona. If it works, perhaps Betty will never like you more than she does in those 5 minutes. Handle it well, and she may say, “Wow. Slappy was briefly so much less repugnant.” Really, it could be your chance to gain some sensitivity points.

~ Consider asking yourself: Am I the right person to tell Betty? That might sound weird, but maybe Betty would take the news better if it came to her indirectly. For instance, if you know Betty’s husband or your husband knows the husband, perhaps you can share the news with Betty’s husband and he can tell Betty. It may very well be easier for Betty to hear it privately from her husband. She won’t feel on the spot to have just the right cheery reaction for you. She can cry if she wants or needs to. (Assuming the relationship with hubby is good and she feels free to be herself.) If not a husband, perhaps someone closer to her than you are can deliver the news to Betty. Tell the intermediary to say, “Polly Pregnant thought it might be easier to hear it from me.” This makes you sound sensitive, you see. If you’re Betty’s best friend, I assume you’d know her well enough to know just how to announce this news.

~ Another approach is an email. Write the news briefly. Don’t apologize for being pregnant. That sounds disingenuous. Please.

~ Do acknowledge — no matter which venue you choose — that you know it might be hard for her, but that you love her, that you can’t wait for your new little one to know her. Stuff like that. Betty needs to be soothed in that moment, so take ONE moment out of your months of nesting and expectant bliss to make it about another person who has not been blessed in this area. That one moment can go a long way in your relationship — in either a positive or negative direction. STRIVE to make it positive.

~ In both of the above scenarios — the indirect approach, the email approach — the goal is to allow Betty the dignity of a private response. She’s not on the phone with you, trying to hide the choke in her voice, which is what happened to me on Friday. You’re not in her face where it’s even harder for her to hide that she’s struggling. She loves you, okay, but DAMN, she’s just struggling. Don’t make her pain worse. Don’t humiliate her with your expectations that she will smile and laugh and jump up and down.

~ Don’t talk about how excited you are in that moment. That’s a given. Betty knows that. There are others you can share your excitement with.

~ Don’t pee on the stick, get the results, and immediately call Betty. You’re too excited. I mean, good grief, call your husband or someone you KNOW will be as excited as you are. You need to be more measured if you’re going to approach Betty in person or on the phone, okay? Calm down before you contact her.

~ Don’t mention God. Do not. I don’t care if Betty is a fellow believer. Do not do it. Telling Betty what God did for you to get you pregnant is no freaking bueno, okay? The news on Friday came with “Well, we were undecided about trying for a third, but I guess God decided it for us.” No. No. No. I started to crack into pieces. Not good. This is not to say that God isn’t involved in getting people pregnant. This IS to say that now is not the time to mention him. If you do decide to go douche and mention him, just know that Betty will feel that God does not love HER as much as he loves YOU which makes no sense to her because, uhm, you’re such a douche.

~ Okay. So today is only a little bit better.

~ Don’t say, “Oh, this was totally a whoops/accident/surprise.” This is another moment from Friday, but I’ve heard it from others, too. Seriously. Don’t say it. Just how badly do you want to destroy this person you allegedly love with your news? She’s struggling with childlessness and you’re pregnant with an easy “whoops”? Are you made of stone?

~ Again, understand that you will need to think through what you say. It’s only seconds/moments for you, but Betty, unfortunately, will never forget how you tell her the news. She wishes she could forget it, but ….. she can’t. Think, think, think.

~ For the love of God, don’t bitch along these lines: money’s tight, the timing’s bad, I don’t want to get fat, I’m getting too old to be a new mom/dad (if the baby daddy, i.e. Betty’s brother, is delivering the news to Betty), blahdie blah blah. Basically, don’t bitch to Betty about your expectant worries. She’d be thrilled to have your worries. Again, there are others you can share your anxieties with.

~ Another thought: It might not be a bad idea to wait until you’re past the first trimester to tell Betty. Many people choose to wait until then to announce their pregnancy anyway, but the benefit to Betty is, frankly, she doesn’t have to sit with the information for so long. Do that, and there are 6 as opposed to nearly 9 months of knowing about your pregnancy and having to put on a happy face. The idea should be to minimize her pain in whatever area you can. This is one of them.

~ On the other hand, a friend told me she was pregnant several months ago and told me I was the first one she told, even before her family. THAT made me feel special. It was the opposite of the thought above, yes, but it was done with so much love and with an added level of “I think you are special. I set you aside to be the first person I told.” I’m tearing up now just thinking about that. (Thank you, sarahk.)

~ If Betty and her husband are still in trying-to-conceive mode, don’t say, “I’m sure it’s gonna happen for youuu” or some other variation of this theme. Betty hates that.

~ MEN: If you cheated on your wife with a stripper and wooed her into bed several months later, getting her pregnant with your stripper-cheatin’ sperm, don’t tell Betty, “Phhew. Guess I get to stay married now. It’s like a resurrection baby or something.” Betty will kill you and the jury will acquit her. Okay. Hm. That’s a really specific scenario. (But, yes. I actually had a man say this to me. Husband of a woman I knew.)

~ But on that note, less specific, is this: Don’t go around proclaiming that this baby has some kind of spiritual symbolism in your life — not to Betty anyway. Perhaps you believe that’s true. Honestly, I really don’t care, and neither does Betty. I mean, great. It’s the “resurrection baby” or whatever, but time and place, peaches. Time and place. You don’t have to share everything. Beyond that, placing some kind of symbolism onto the conception of this child is a LOT of pressure for that baby. Sheesh.

~ The best announcement comes from someone who can imagine, however briefly, what it’s like in Betty’s shoes. Someone with empathy. If you don’t have that, well, you probably don’t know you don’t have that because you don’t have that, so that’s a problem. Unfortunately, you’ll run Betty over with the information without thinking and leave her flattened and sobbing and then wonder why you don’t hear from her for months. So if you announce your pregnancy to a childless woman like Betty and you don’t hear from her for months afterward, guess what? You’re probably a callous douche. Take the very broad hint. Don’t get mad at Betty. Don’t sit around pouting, “That beyotch Betty. How come she doesn’t want to hear about my barfing/swelling/cravings?” Becauuuse ….. you screwed it up, that’s why. Pick up the phone and talk to her about it. Apologize for being a cow if you need to, and take that as a lesson that you need more empathy. Tell yourself you’ll do better next time and DO BETTER NEXT TIME. Or, alternatively, have your tubes tied, your wee wee snipped, so you don’t have to announce a pregnancy badly ever again.

~ Think of a way to show Betty some extra love. You’re being hugely blessed with something that she desperately wants. Maybe …. oh, call her a few days later and ask her to lunch. (And talk about things other than the baby, unless she asks.) Send her a book you know she’ll love. Get her a gift card for her favorite store. Don’t do it right at that moment. Don’t say, “I’m pregnant, and since I knew this would be hard for you, here’s a gift card to Pottery Barn.” No, you weenie. Don’t do THAT. Wait a few weeks or so. You just want to express your love for her, okay? Especially if she’s been gracious about your news. Let me tell you, that took something out of her. It cost her something, that graciousness. So think of some way to celebrate how much you love her with some small kindness on your end. She IS going to love your baby, and that will cost her something too. She’ll never tell you directly; no, she won’t. She’ll love your baby and play with your baby and she will cry on the way home after seeing your baby. Because she loves you and your baby. Understand that it costs her things she will never tell you and celebrate that you have such a friend.