You know how sometimes you’re standing there on the side of the road, waiting to cross the street, and a random car will stop and let you cross?
Yeah. You’ve had people do that for you, right? And you’ve done that for people too, right?
Uhm, please forgive me but …. I hate that. I do, and I think my reason for hating it is shameful and trivial and yet I still HATE it.
Sometimes, the car that stops is stopping a whole line of traffic behind him just to let you cross. Sometimes, there’s just that one car, not another car in sight behind him, and it’s just a matter of two seconds before he moves past and you’re able to cross the street.
So why stop? Why?
You know, I’m bothered by how much I elevate the trivial to the monumental and I’m also bothered by how that still doesn’t stop me from sharing. So, eh, let’s just proceed. I mean, I’ve already thrown myself under the bus, so let’s just roll it over me completely.
I imagine for the stoppers, the impulse is just a knee-jerk benevolence. They see someone waiting, they want to help, to make things easier for you, to feel good about themselves for the gesture. One or all of those, I guess. So what’s my problem?
A few Saturdays ago, MB headed out of town early on business, so I woke up and walked alone to a favorite coffeehouse a few blocks away. I have to cross a fairly busy two-way street to get there. The street has a median, so you cross to the median, look both ways, cross to the sidewalk. I mean, duh, Streetcrossing 101, right? On the way back with my coffee in hand, I stood on the median waiting for traffic to clear so I could cross. Since I know I have this weird and basically stupid issue, I did what I frequently do: turned my head AWAY from oncoming traffic to effect, oh, a nonchalant air. To ensure I didn’t look needy. To send the message, “Oh, I’m totally not paying attention, so you don’t NEED to stop for me.”
Several seconds later came the honk. I glanced towards traffic and, yep, seated high up in his semi-truck was a fellow waving me across the street. Maybe he had a good view of my cleavage from there. I mean, I was wearing a scooped top, but not THAT scooped. I don’t know. The basics of life elude me, as evidenced daily by this blog. I only know he created HUGE clog of busy traffic behind him just to allow me to cross. I felt my face turn red, crossed quickly, waved at him, and felt like a jerk the rest of the way home because I was irritated by a good deed.
Seriously. WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?
I think it’s this: I don’t like to feel beholden to the stranger in the car or the truck or the semi-truck. It embarrasses me, that sudden attention. Makes me self-conscious. Makes me feel guilty about the traffic bunched up behind the stopper. I’m just minding my business, perfectly happy to wait until the coast is clear, and someone’s goodwill suddenly becomes a problem for meeeee. It’s irrational, I know, but it bugs me. I feel as if a thank-you wave is insufficient. I feel as if I have to hurryuphurryup because I don’t want to make them sit there and say, “Oh, look at her, strrrrolling across. Well, no good deed goes unpunished, blahdie blah.” Sometimes, I DO just want to strrroll across the street and that’s why I’m perfectly happy to wait for traffic. And, honestly, sometimes if it’s a man …. well, I question why he’s doing it. I do. Please forgive me, menfolk. Most of the time, I employ my “look the other way” tactic and at least 50% of the time, it still doesn’t work. Someone stops, honks to call your attention to their good-deed doing, and then I feel forced to comply so they can complete their good deed. Maybe I don’t want to be an accomplice to their good deed. Maybe I just want to strrrroll in peace, at my leisure. I suppose I could wave them past, but I’ve never tried that. I don’t think I could. I think that would make me a (bigger) jerk. But sometimes …. sometimes …. and here is the dreck of my personality on glorious display ….. I feel as if the person in the car is saying, “I’m doing a good deed! Cross the street, dammit! CROSS!” So I across the street so they can feel good about themselves and possibly stare at the chest whilst I spill my coffee all over it. And maybe that’s the goal. We can’t rule that out. I don’t know.
I am now bugged that people do nice things.
So, basically, the crankiness has become metastatic.
I love you, Tracey.
This is so hysterical: I had iDENTICAL moments when I was recently in LA – and I was crossing Wilshire, which I did all the time, because of where I was staying. Wilshire is a huge road – traffic going both ways – with a median strip – and there was no light at the intersection where I normally crossed. I prefer to go when the coast is clear, but these nice Californians were so eager to stop and let me cross – but Wilshire is like 500 miles long, so I always felt so self-conscious when I SUBMITTED to their niceness, because I was on display, first of all, and also other cars were forced to stop. I also did the nonchalant “oh look at me looking the oTHER way so I don’t have to notice how nice you are being” thing.
I have no idea what is wrong with me.
You do know that California is almost unique in this phenomenon? Try Boston or NYC some time. Myself, I think it’s rather nice that even in our big cities, people still stop for you. Beats he’ll out of someone zooming around a corner, forcing you to jump back to the curb when you’d stepped out in response to a ” walk” light, and shaking their fist (or something) at you, which is more the style in big cities outside CA. And if the guys are checking out your cleavage– someday they’ll stop, and you’ll miss it. Trust me on that one 🙂
Jayne — Hahaha, thank you. 😉
sheila — It’s cracking me up that you had the same thing happen and felt the same way. It’s like, “What is WRONG with me to be kinda bugged by this?” But then, to know that you felt that way, too — well, I feel validated.
Jean — I was in Boston for the first time several years ago and that is one of the first things I noticed: that the drivers were nuts, basically, and careened around willy-nilly. There wasn’t the west coast “mellow” I’m used to, so you’re right on that.
No way in H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks I’m stopping for a jaywalker. The cleavage may make me slow down a bit but I won’t stop. You might even find me yelling out the window as I roll on by “Find a crosswalk slacker!â€
I think you might hate it ’cause you know they’re enabling your jaywalking and the guilt of bringing in an enabler eats you up.
This happens to me, too, when I’m walking Rowdi. And I get a little annoyed, because I feel like people are MAKING me inconvenience them. I’m like, dudes, I try hard not to inconvenience perfect strangers, so I don’t like being forced into it.
Brian — Whaaa?? But I’m not expecting anyone to stop! I don’t WANT them to! I’m happy to wait until everyone passes. Yes, I may be jaywalking, but I really only want to WAIT until people pass.
Me no enabler.
sarahk — Although, right now, with your pregnancy belly, I imagine people really WANT to help the cute pregnant lady. You probably make most people go “Awwww.”
Still, I feel ya. I do.
You could just be like Brendan Witt and bodycheck the SUV out of the way.
It’s really not jaywalking at all. That’s not what I’m describing, anyway. Wilshire is a long damn road, with intermittent lights, and also crosswalks for crossing (on intersections with no lights). The lights are far enough apart that going to the “next block” where there is a light takes you far far out of your way (unlike here in New York, where our North-South blocks are teeny). But there is no LAW saying the cars have to stop for you as a pedestrian on Wilshire (unlike some towns in Rhode Island, also Jersey – where you MUST stop for pedestrians at crosswalks) – and so I prefer to wait til the coast is clear and then go on my merry way across the crosswalk.
Not jaywalking, not at all.
I was just pointing out that I’d give you what you want by not stopping.
I just re-read my comment – I came off boorish and perverted, I am sorry.
The sentiments you feel about being “stopped for” are similar to what I see in my area (in spite of the fact that Pennsylvania has had a slogan of “Pedestrians First” for several years now). I do find that when I’m driving I can’t stop sometimes for fear of being rear-ended and/or honked/sworn at by the driver behind me, so there ya go.
Of course, in the morning when I’m waiting to pull into the school parking lot, there’s an awful lot of strrrolling across by my students!
A friend of my daughter’s spent several months in a Central American country while in high school. He said that should you get hit by a crazy driver while crossing the road, be sure you crawl in between the crosswalk lines by the time the police get there. It didn’t matter where you were when hit, only where you land. So, if you’re ever there, beware of those careening drivers who may knock you out of the crosswalk lines and make you appear to be a jaywalker, when you really aren’t.
p.s. The only stoplight in our entire county is in my town, the county seat. Jaywalking is standard here, but we don’t stop for folks waiting to cross. You’d like it, I think. 🙂
Brian — //I came off boorish and perverted, I am sorry.//
I’m laughing because you are so not boorish or perverted. But apology accepted even though it’s not necessary. 😉
Well, I know I’m late to this party, but I feel compelled to add a comment. I must say, my sister is the type of person (in California) to just start crossing, and you better darn-well stop for her, because “this is California and the pedestrian has the right-of-way here, and I’ll sue the pants off you if you hit me”. Sometimes she scares me to death, but she’s never gotten hit.
Unfortunately, I no longer live in California but Idaho, which is a completely different beast. The people here are so unpredictable…sometimes they want to be do-gooders (lots of Mormons), and sometimes they totally ignore you, even at a crosswalk where they supposedly are to stop for you. I have to walk across a busy street AND BACK three times a day to go help my mom eat her meals, and I literally drive the 1/2 a block to her ALF sometimes, just so I don’t have to cross that stupid street. I have gotten in the habit of going up 20 feet or so, and just keep walking till the coast is clear, because I HATE standing there and waiting…impatience rears its ugly head.
Anyway, obviously you’re not the only one with street-crossing issues!
sorry to any offended Mormons out there…