beyond the pale

Okay. These are FABULOUS and FUN!

THESE are known as Art*o*Mat machines: vintage, retired cigarette machines filled with small pieces of original art. Seems back in 1997, a clever fellow named Clark Whittington saw the decline — or outlawing — of public smoking as a chance to give new life to these classic but unused machines while at the same time, giving artists a way to repackage their work in fun, fresh ways. Right now, Art*o*Mat machines can be found at over 80 galleries, museums and other public places. About 400 artists worldwide contribute, pricing their little, 2-by-3-inch pieces at about 5 bucks each.

If you happen across one of these machines, you can select which artist’s work you’d like to receive, BUT since each piece is handmade and unique, “you never know what you’re gonna get,” I guess.

You’ve just gotta let go and take a chance on ART!

Look at some examples of what you might get if you DO:

I like the art, but, can I say this — I REALLY want one of these machines!! In my house. So I can sell my “stuff.” Oh, hullo, Betty. You want that necklace I made? Machine. What’s that, Peaches? You want one of my Mocha Chip Cupcakes? Machine. Oh, it’s you, Joey. You want all my posts about how you think I have demons? Umm, yeah …. you ain’t NEVER gettin’ those.

(Anyway, check out the link above if you’re interested to see if there’s an Art*o*Mat near you!)

Okay. Who here is a Certified Barista?

Anyone?

Hullo?

SO AM I THE ONLY ONE???

Yes, it’s true, peeps. I am now a Certified Barista.

And you know what that really truly means? It means is that if I made you a decaf soy hazelnut no-foam latte yesterday, it SUCKED.

But today, TODAY, if I made you a decaf soy hazelnut no-foam latte, it was sheer java perfection. Oh, coffee art, actually. So yesterday, sucky badness. TODAY, pure javaliciousness.

And if you don’t have a genuwine Certified Barista pouring YOUR espresso shots, well, you, my blissfully ignorant friend, are on shaky coffee grounds. Who knows what Slappy the Coffee Guy is pouring you? Are you sure he used nonfat with that? Are you sure that’s decaf? Are you SURE he used sugar-free vanilla syrup?? NO. No, you’re not, my jittery friend. Because Slappy is a Little Dude and Slappy is sloppy.

Look at him, with his unkempt, frowsy hair, his back-of-the-hand, runny-nose wiping, his inferior whipped cream application technique. He’s pathetic. And UNCLEAN, UNCLEAN!! Does he even know how to make wondrous and stripe-y layered drinks? I AM SURE HE DOES NOT. I mean, look at him. He has damn Lincoln Logs poking out from his earlobes like pedals on a bike. If he doesn’t care about this flippant misuse of good ol’ Lincoln Logs, he surely doesn’t care that you just said “extra foam, please.”

I, myself, a Certified Barista, do not have any Lincoln Logs in my earlobes. Lincoln Logs are for building tiny log cabins on the banks of Plum Creek, not for stuffing in your earlobes like little pigs in fleshy blankets.

I mean, seriously, good LUCK with Slappy, the non-certified coffee slosher. Don’t say I didn’t warn you if he uses 2% instead of 1% and you stroke out from all that extra milkfat.

You know, sometimes you’re just down, blue, depressed, “sad sacky” — as an elderly friend of mine used to say. For those days — and ONLY those days, because I think going over there every day just might make ya sick — there’s Cute Overload. Remember, it IS called Cute Overload, so discretion and care must be exercised. I mean it. I am not the cutesy type. You’ve REALLY gotta be sad sacky to use this site properly.

And since I am, I’m cheering myself up. But BEWARE! Look AWAY if you are NOT sad sacky!! Look AWAY if you are naturally cutesy!! It WILL be too much for you!!

All right. Some guy MADE this for his dogs. He MADE this, this “Puppy Mover Monorail” contraption. I’m not cheered by the cuteness, actually, but by the relief of knowing that I’m just somewhat depressed, not completely INSANE.

I believe that good ol’ Snoopy said it best once, “I feel every now and then that I gotta BITE someone!!!” This could be YOU if you run into ME today. Just ask My Beloved. (Please still love me. Dammit! You are contractually obligated! Or something slightly less pissy.)


All right. Calm down, Tracey. You just need a wee nap, that’s all ….. BUT is he napping or forever napping? He looks unnaturally floppy.

AND WHAT ABOUT THIS GUY? NAPPING? OR DEAD?? OHHH NOOOO!! POOR SNNOOOOPY!!

Now I’m just freaked out by all the dead dogs. But this one? Yeah, I thought it was a dog, but it’s just a towel. Thank God.

Sooo ….. yeeahh ….. well, this one totally got away from me.

Hope you’re all cheered up.

You have to scroll down and then scroll up. I guess I could have put them all in one post …. but I just didn’t. Who knows why?

Also …. WHY are people acting like they’ve just discovered Reese Witherspoon can ACT?? Listening to the after-shows here, I’ve heard a certain condescension in questions to her, like: “Wow. You’ve been mostly known for light romantic comedies. How does it feel to be recognized for something like THIS?” blah blah. Please. That’s just rude. You’re basically freakin’ ignorant and saying: “How does it feel not to able to act and then, suddenly, TO BE ABLE TO ACT?”

Have any of these people ever seen a wonderful, heartwrenching little movie called “The Man in the Moon” featuring a mere 15-year-old Reese? She is simply wonderful in that movie. She will break your heart. I saw it years ago and have never forgotten it.

And have any of these people ever seen “Election”? Reese is brilliant in that one, too. What about “Legally Blonde”? Gah. I hate it when people condescend to comedy. They’ve no idea just how difficult it is. Reese is not actually Elle Woods, people. SHE IS ACTING. If you like her in that movie, you like her ACTING.

SHEESH. She’s been a standout for a lonng time. I always thought it was just a matter of time for her. And look who’s right. So nyah to rank stoopidity.

John Travolta — I SWEAR he wears that same suit every Oscars. Presenting “Best Cinematography.” Hey, Nature is Pretty got nominated! Told you it was pretty. Oh, winner … um, “Geisha.” (Yeah … I only brought this up to talk about Nature is Pretty.)

Jamie Foxxxxx — Presenting “Best Actress.” Oh, I’m SO rooting for Reese. They show a scene of Charlize teed off and ranting in “North Country.” Y’all watch out. She’ll kill ya.

GO, REESE!! I’m having a sinking feeling, though.

Best Actress is:

YAYYYY!!!! Reese Witherspoon!!! How can you not root for li’l Reese? She’s so adorable!! Told ya she was dressed like a winner. She’s effusive and glowing and precious. And her husband is looking at her with both love and envy. Hope they don’t go the way of Hillary and Chad.

Ugh …. this woman who just won for “Best Adapted Screenplay” — she’s just soo self-important, droning: “The byooooty of arrrrt is bringing light into the darrrknessss of men’s hearrrrts,” blah, blah …. It’s the tone of her voice or something. Oh, the winner was “Brokeback.”

Uma Thurman — She’s very creamy and uniformly colored. Dress, creamy; skin, creamy; boobins, creamy. See? Creamy and uniformly colored.

YAY AGAIN!! “Crash” won “Best Original Screenplay.” GREAT movie.

Tom Hanks again? Did he get some lymphatic massage?? Lemme look. NOPE. Presenting Director.

Best Director is: (Well, we already know it’s NOT George Clooney, haha.)

Ang Lee for “Brokeback Mountain.” I do LOVE his direction. I haven’t seen this movie though.

And HEEEEERE’S JACK!!!! Nicholson, that is, to present Best Picture:

Annnd Best Picture is: (Does anyone really wonder? Can I type it now??)

Br ……. WOWWWWW!!! See what I did there?? NO. I’m wrong!!

The winner is “CRASH”!! Fantastic!! I just LOVED that movie. Another surprise, really. A really great movie that has something to say to … ahem … everyone.

Congratulations — To ALL the winners!! And to Jon Stewart for doing a FINE job hosting!!

That’s all, folks!!!

Why is everyone wearing black? Too many women in black!

Here’s Queen Latifah …. in black.

Jennifer Garner — Covering for her near-fall: “I do my own stunts.” She’s looking very …. ample. Very blessed and milky. Hope no one starts crying around those things tonight.

Here’s George again. He’s doing the annual “In Memoriam.” He seems a bit too happy about it. But then again, you know they’re probably all loaded.

Oh, and when Eddie Albert came up on the screen as having passed away this year, My Beloved, sensitive soul that he is, said, “He cacked it?? He’s cacked it a BUNCH of times!!”

Will Smith … is annoying. At least he didn’t talk about how much he loves his lady.

Here’s the chick from “Memoirs of a Geisha” …. in black.

Here’s Hillary Swank …. in black. Presenting Best Actor.

Best Actor is:

Heath Ledger …. and I’m typing this before they even say it, even though I’M rooting for Terrence Howard, but I think this is a done deal, so let’s see ….

Wow! WOW!! A spoiler!! Philip Seymour Hoffman for Capote!! WOW. Sometimes there IS a surprise. Good for you. Haven’t seen this movie, but I’ve seen him in other things. He’s a fine actor. (Does anyone else think he looks like a chubby Nick Nolte?)

Salma Hayak — Is a pint-sized sexpot, frankly. She looks great in that blue gown. I love that she always seems to know how to dress to accentuate her figure — without being too much. She’s little and curvy. Hooray for little and curvy!!!

I thought that Argentinian dude who won for Best Score just thanked Ang Lee for his “Vishnu.” Uh, Tracey, that would be “vision.” That does make more sense.

Jake Gyllgynegyallahlall — OH MY GOSH!! The Lauren Bacall problem is spreading!! He’s all stuttery and stumbly and I’m starting to sweat from the anxiety of watching these people have aneurysms when they present! He’s presenting a montage of BIG MOMENTS MEANT FOR THE BIG SCREEN or something. All for you ….. and your little screen.

Jon Stewart — “I can’t wait til later when we have Oscar’s Tribute to Montages” He’s killing me.

Jessica Alba — Didn’t she play the Invisible Woman in The Fantastic Four? I think it’s coming true in real life. EAT SOMETHING!! HERE — I HAVE CHOCOLATE!!

Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep presenting together. What’s with Lily booking on out to the mic, leaving Meryl in the dust?? RUDE. Meryl looks great. Lily’s wearing an over-sized Asian-inspired jacket. Tribute to Robert Altman; they’re “doing” Robert Altman. Good Lord! Meryl Streep looks FABULOUS!! She’s cracking me up, keeping up with Lily Tomlin.

Maybe it’s been too long since I’ve actually SEEN Robert Altman. When did he become Colonel Sanders? Ooooh, some Extra Crispy sounds good right now. Gotta keep me strength up. Wait. He thanked his wife. I am a sucker for that. He thanked his wife. You are classy, Colonel Sanders.

Supp. Actress is:

Rachel Weiss from The Constant and Patient English Gardener. Or whatever. Aren’t those movies the same? Why are all Ralph Fiennes movies the SAME??

Lauren Bacall — Something dreadful happened here. She’s stuttering and stammering and probably just hoping that King Kong will come crashing in and start squishing people because that’s the only thing that’s gonna save her! TECH people — fix the teleprompter!! Or Ms. Bacall — fix your prescription!! I DON’T KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED!! I hope this doesn’t jeopardize her gig with Fancy Feast.

Charlize Theron — I’m surprised no one’s told you — do you know you have a dead cat on your shoulder?

“The March of the Penguins” guys are in tuxes, holding stuffed penguins. Ha ha ….. bla. It does not make up for their inability to parle anglais.

J-lo — Her green dress has a nice flowiness. Her tan face has a blank creepiness.

The song from “Crash.” They’re burning a car onstage. People are moving all slo-mo around the deeply symbolic fire. And I think it’s snowing, too. It’s weird. Like “It’s a Wonderful Night of the Living Dead Vandals” or something.

Sandra Bullock — I like her so much, but her hair is betraying her. It’s sticking up in loopy circles. Or else I need to FIX MY PRESCRIPTION!!

And somewhere in all this were the “commercials” for “Best Actress.” HILARIOUS!!!