Okay. Who here is a Certified Barista?
Anyone?
Hullo?
SO AM I THE ONLY ONE???
Yes, it’s true, peeps. I am now a Certified Barista.
And you know what that really truly means? It means is that if I made you a decaf soy hazelnut no-foam latte yesterday, it SUCKED.
But today, TODAY, if I made you a decaf soy hazelnut no-foam latte, it was sheer java perfection. Oh, coffee art, actually. So yesterday, sucky badness. TODAY, pure javaliciousness.
And if you don’t have a genuwine Certified Barista pouring YOUR espresso shots, well, you, my blissfully ignorant friend, are on shaky coffee grounds. Who knows what Slappy the Coffee Guy is pouring you? Are you sure he used nonfat with that? Are you sure that’s decaf? Are you SURE he used sugar-free vanilla syrup?? NO. No, you’re not, my jittery friend. Because Slappy is a Little Dude and Slappy is sloppy.
Look at him, with his unkempt, frowsy hair, his back-of-the-hand, runny-nose wiping, his inferior whipped cream application technique. He’s pathetic. And UNCLEAN, UNCLEAN!! Does he even know how to make wondrous and stripe-y layered drinks? I AM SURE HE DOES NOT. I mean, look at him. He has damn Lincoln Logs poking out from his earlobes like pedals on a bike. If he doesn’t care about this flippant misuse of good ol’ Lincoln Logs, he surely doesn’t care that you just said “extra foam, please.”
I, myself, a Certified Barista, do not have any Lincoln Logs in my earlobes. Lincoln Logs are for building tiny log cabins on the banks of Plum Creek, not for stuffing in your earlobes like little pigs in fleshy blankets.
I mean, seriously, good LUCK with Slappy, the non-certified coffee slosher. Don’t say I didn’t warn you if he uses 2% instead of 1% and you stroke out from all that extra milkfat.
Cool! Certified – congratulations! I was beginning to wonder if I was going to have to politely refuse one of your lattes if there was no latte art on the top. Because the latte art is the evidence that the milk has the proper texture (and it will taste good – unless of course the beans are old, but most folks who know about the latte art also know about the fresh beans). And I cannot swill the *$’s thin-foam-floating-on-the-top-lattes any more.
(No I am not flying on 3 lattes – I’m just passionate about my coffe) 🙂 Sorry.
Well, Anita, I don’t know yet how to make a “design” in your foam, but I DO know how to make foam with the proper texture and body to it. It’s not just a mere puddle, so that’s good!
Oh, and our coffee is really SO much better than S’bucks.
I have heard of some odd people ruining perfectly good coffee by putting things like this so-called “cream” in it. I thought it was just cockamamy nonsense.
Rofltic!
What a way with words – and coffee.
Speaking of the other place – I only ever order tea, which starts out fine, but if you don’t drink it quickly, then it tastes like the oh-so-green cardboard cup, plus little wooden stirrer. Bleah.
Yes, Cullen, it’s true. Freaks like me put cream in their coffee! You know what else? It actually tastes GOOD!
At least it’s not SOY.
And — I’m sorry — what is “rofltic”?
Is it “rolling on floor laughing til I cry”?? That’s my guess.
But then again, I am not a certified barista – so I could be WAY off!!
Congrats!!
While I accept the fact that different folks dig different things, I do believe Dante wrote about a circle of Hell for those who put stuff in their coffee. 😉
“are on shaky coffee grounds” *BA-DUMP-BUMP*
Lincoln Logs… heh.
Imagine the most whiny, nasally, screeching voice you can. Now… “But I use Silk soy French vanilla creamer in my coffee and it IS actually, really GOOD!” Yeah… that’s, uh… that’s me. At least that’s what I think people hear when I say that, sans screechy, whininess. But it *is* really good.
Am I going to hell now?
WG, so what you’re saying is that you’re Fran Drescher?
tracey – at first glance, when I saw this post I thought you wrote “barrister” and I was trying to picture you in a white wig and robes, standing behind a high high desk in England somewhere.
WITHOUT THE VOICE!!! 🙂
How fun was this whole thing to read!?
The post alone had me rolling but Tracey you sure have some witty commenters. If they charge by the comment, I just might want to hire some of them.
Congrats Tracey! I must admit that I am jealous…yes…I am a professional photographer and a lot of people think that’s cool, but I also harbor a secret desire to be a Certified Barista…the only thing I am certified in is Cisco routers:-(
red — no, if I were a certified “barrister” I might actually feel GOOD about it. Plus, the wigs are cool and don’t I get a gavel or something?
Sure, WG. Now we know the truth:
WordGirl IS Fran Drescher!!!! 😉
Uzz — I’ll switch with you!
Tracey –
it’s “laughing ’til I cry”. You and the Anchoress fill the bill
No gavel for you – though judges wear wigs, too.
“Rumpole of the Bailey”, anyone?
Tracey…I’ll stick with my day job, but I would love to get some kind of part time gig making coffee…I know it sounds crazy, but I love the atmosphere!
Oh my goodness. First of all, many congrats to you! The CERTIFIED Barista (not barrister). HA HA HA. Loved the Little House reference, btw. I definitely caught it. Oh, and “little pigs in fleshy blankets.” CLASSIC.