Month: March 2006

You have to scroll down and then scroll up. I guess I could have put them all in one post …. but I just didn’t. Who knows why?

Also …. WHY are people acting like they’ve just discovered Reese Witherspoon can ACT?? Listening to the after-shows here, I’ve heard a certain condescension in questions to her, like: “Wow. You’ve been mostly known for light romantic comedies. How does it feel to be recognized for something like THIS?” blah blah. Please. That’s just rude. You’re basically freakin’ ignorant and saying: “How does it feel not to able to act and then, suddenly, TO BE ABLE TO ACT?”

Have any of these people ever seen a wonderful, heartwrenching little movie called “The Man in the Moon” featuring a mere 15-year-old Reese? She is simply wonderful in that movie. She will break your heart. I saw it years ago and have never forgotten it.

And have any of these people ever seen “Election”? Reese is brilliant in that one, too. What about “Legally Blonde”? Gah. I hate it when people condescend to comedy. They’ve no idea just how difficult it is. Reese is not actually Elle Woods, people. SHE IS ACTING. If you like her in that movie, you like her ACTING.

SHEESH. She’s been a standout for a lonng time. I always thought it was just a matter of time for her. And look who’s right. So nyah to rank stoopidity.

John Travolta — I SWEAR he wears that same suit every Oscars. Presenting “Best Cinematography.” Hey, Nature is Pretty got nominated! Told you it was pretty. Oh, winner … um, “Geisha.” (Yeah … I only brought this up to talk about Nature is Pretty.)

Jamie Foxxxxx — Presenting “Best Actress.” Oh, I’m SO rooting for Reese. They show a scene of Charlize teed off and ranting in “North Country.” Y’all watch out. She’ll kill ya.

GO, REESE!! I’m having a sinking feeling, though.

Best Actress is:

YAYYYY!!!! Reese Witherspoon!!! How can you not root for li’l Reese? She’s so adorable!! Told ya she was dressed like a winner. She’s effusive and glowing and precious. And her husband is looking at her with both love and envy. Hope they don’t go the way of Hillary and Chad.

Ugh …. this woman who just won for “Best Adapted Screenplay” — she’s just soo self-important, droning: “The byooooty of arrrrt is bringing light into the darrrknessss of men’s hearrrrts,” blah, blah …. It’s the tone of her voice or something. Oh, the winner was “Brokeback.”

Uma Thurman — She’s very creamy and uniformly colored. Dress, creamy; skin, creamy; boobins, creamy. See? Creamy and uniformly colored.

YAY AGAIN!! “Crash” won “Best Original Screenplay.” GREAT movie.

Tom Hanks again? Did he get some lymphatic massage?? Lemme look. NOPE. Presenting Director.

Best Director is: (Well, we already know it’s NOT George Clooney, haha.)

Ang Lee for “Brokeback Mountain.” I do LOVE his direction. I haven’t seen this movie though.

And HEEEEERE’S JACK!!!! Nicholson, that is, to present Best Picture:

Annnd Best Picture is: (Does anyone really wonder? Can I type it now??)

Br ……. WOWWWWW!!! See what I did there?? NO. I’m wrong!!

The winner is “CRASH”!! Fantastic!! I just LOVED that movie. Another surprise, really. A really great movie that has something to say to … ahem … everyone.

Congratulations — To ALL the winners!! And to Jon Stewart for doing a FINE job hosting!!

That’s all, folks!!!

Why is everyone wearing black? Too many women in black!

Here’s Queen Latifah …. in black.

Jennifer Garner — Covering for her near-fall: “I do my own stunts.” She’s looking very …. ample. Very blessed and milky. Hope no one starts crying around those things tonight.

Here’s George again. He’s doing the annual “In Memoriam.” He seems a bit too happy about it. But then again, you know they’re probably all loaded.

Oh, and when Eddie Albert came up on the screen as having passed away this year, My Beloved, sensitive soul that he is, said, “He cacked it?? He’s cacked it a BUNCH of times!!”

Will Smith … is annoying. At least he didn’t talk about how much he loves his lady.

Here’s the chick from “Memoirs of a Geisha” …. in black.

Here’s Hillary Swank …. in black. Presenting Best Actor.

Best Actor is:

Heath Ledger …. and I’m typing this before they even say it, even though I’M rooting for Terrence Howard, but I think this is a done deal, so let’s see ….

Wow! WOW!! A spoiler!! Philip Seymour Hoffman for Capote!! WOW. Sometimes there IS a surprise. Good for you. Haven’t seen this movie, but I’ve seen him in other things. He’s a fine actor. (Does anyone else think he looks like a chubby Nick Nolte?)

Salma Hayak — Is a pint-sized sexpot, frankly. She looks great in that blue gown. I love that she always seems to know how to dress to accentuate her figure — without being too much. She’s little and curvy. Hooray for little and curvy!!!

I thought that Argentinian dude who won for Best Score just thanked Ang Lee for his “Vishnu.” Uh, Tracey, that would be “vision.” That does make more sense.

Jake Gyllgynegyallahlall — OH MY GOSH!! The Lauren Bacall problem is spreading!! He’s all stuttery and stumbly and I’m starting to sweat from the anxiety of watching these people have aneurysms when they present! He’s presenting a montage of BIG MOMENTS MEANT FOR THE BIG SCREEN or something. All for you ….. and your little screen.

Jon Stewart — “I can’t wait til later when we have Oscar’s Tribute to Montages” He’s killing me.

Jessica Alba — Didn’t she play the Invisible Woman in The Fantastic Four? I think it’s coming true in real life. EAT SOMETHING!! HERE — I HAVE CHOCOLATE!!

Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep presenting together. What’s with Lily booking on out to the mic, leaving Meryl in the dust?? RUDE. Meryl looks great. Lily’s wearing an over-sized Asian-inspired jacket. Tribute to Robert Altman; they’re “doing” Robert Altman. Good Lord! Meryl Streep looks FABULOUS!! She’s cracking me up, keeping up with Lily Tomlin.

Maybe it’s been too long since I’ve actually SEEN Robert Altman. When did he become Colonel Sanders? Ooooh, some Extra Crispy sounds good right now. Gotta keep me strength up. Wait. He thanked his wife. I am a sucker for that. He thanked his wife. You are classy, Colonel Sanders.

Supp. Actress is:

Rachel Weiss from The Constant and Patient English Gardener. Or whatever. Aren’t those movies the same? Why are all Ralph Fiennes movies the SAME??

Lauren Bacall — Something dreadful happened here. She’s stuttering and stammering and probably just hoping that King Kong will come crashing in and start squishing people because that’s the only thing that’s gonna save her! TECH people — fix the teleprompter!! Or Ms. Bacall — fix your prescription!! I DON’T KNOW WHAT JUST HAPPENED!! I hope this doesn’t jeopardize her gig with Fancy Feast.

Charlize Theron — I’m surprised no one’s told you — do you know you have a dead cat on your shoulder?

“The March of the Penguins” guys are in tuxes, holding stuffed penguins. Ha ha ….. bla. It does not make up for their inability to parle anglais.

J-lo — Her green dress has a nice flowiness. Her tan face has a blank creepiness.

The song from “Crash.” They’re burning a car onstage. People are moving all slo-mo around the deeply symbolic fire. And I think it’s snowing, too. It’s weird. Like “It’s a Wonderful Night of the Living Dead Vandals” or something.

Sandra Bullock — I like her so much, but her hair is betraying her. It’s sticking up in loopy circles. Or else I need to FIX MY PRESCRIPTION!!

And somewhere in all this were the “commercials” for “Best Actress.” HILARIOUS!!!

IT’S OSCAR TIME, PEOPLE!!

Jon Stewart — is adorable

Nicole Kidman — a column of liquid pearls, presenting Supporting Actor.

Supp. Actor is:

Please not William Hurt — please not William Hurt …..

George Clooney! Okay — speech oughta be pretty good.

“All right — so I’m not winning ‘Director'” hahaha. Okay. But now he’s getting ponderous.

Tom Hanks — I hear lymphatic massage works wonders on unsightly puffiness.

Ben Stiller — WHAT?? He’s in mint green long underwear trying to do a green screen jokey thing; it’s just embarrassing. Well, it IS funny, though, to watch him in his little stretchytard passing out the Oscars to the winners — who are NOT in stretchytards, but gowns and tuxes.

Reese Witherspoon — I do love her! She looks beautiful and flowy and sparkly. Hm. Dressed like an Oscar winner.

Naomi Watts — Uhm, her dress is the same color she is. And that is the color of death. Weird and sickly pale, it also sports a giant chiffon-y tumor, which could explain the whole color-of -death thing. I really like her, but she looked better running from dinos in the jungle.

Dolly Parton — In a low-cut jacket. You know, she doesn’t even really need to HOLD that cordless microphone. Um …. you know.

Shout out to Sheila — Jon Stewart’s Scientology joke — like they caught him in the middle of a big diatribe …. hahahaha!

(I was actually looking for a different post in my archives, but ran across THIS one about last year’s Oscars. In it, I’m really freaked out by something very specific. It’s so stupid, really, because I can barely remember what I’m even talking about here. But in honor of this weekend’s Oscars, I thought I’d put it up here again. I think I sound rather off my nut. Okay. Wait a minute. Reading it again, I actually agree with myself.)

All right. I’m the grouch. I’m watching the Oscars right now. Can I just say sumpin’ here? What is with the staging tonight?! May I please say that it deeply, honestly sucks? They’re bringing the nominees for some of the less sexy awards — Art Direction, Costume Design — ONTO THE STAGE, just to stand there, waiting in front of the whole watching world to see if they’ve won, like some athletic losers hoping to be picked for the softball team in junior high PE.

When the Oscar is announced, the winner steps forward, and the losers — well, the losers are whisked offstage to their shame dates with Doritos and Ding Dongs and, ultimately, the panic disorders that began the night they got the humiliating thrill of standing onstage as the LOSERS at the freaking ACADEMY AWARDS, no less!! The stage should be the magical place where the winning happens, not the place where the nightmares begin. Do NOT make a spectacle of the poor, disappointed people. What’s next? Losers are devoured by lions? Chased by blood-thirsty paparazzi?

Ah. Now I see the directors are also having the stars go INTO THE AUDIENCE to present these awards that nobody cares about. Here’s Cate Blanchett, loitering in an aisle, announcing whatever award this is. And the winner is ….. shockingly, that person in the aisle seat right next to her. WOW. I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING! Now this hapless winner has stepped up to the rickety microphone — which just magically appeared — to give her speech in this ultra-glam locale.

And, and this lucky gal gets to be upstaged throughout her entire speech by the eye-catching, attention-grabbing presence of Cate Blanchett who is still in the shot — because the shot’s too freaking wide and the aisle’s too freaking narrow and it’s utterly freaking stoopid. (Hmm …. seems I’m a little bugged.)

But back to my live rant. Look, don’t steal the winner’s moment by making them seem pale in comparison to the luminous, unreal aura of a movie star. Don’t put the winner or the star in some clunky, stupid, but “new” location, just to be avant-garde. Don’t put the winner in an aisle where they have their backs to half the audience. They’re upstaging themselves — through no fault of their own. No thoughtful director would do that to his “people.” It strikes me as insensitive. And I understand it seems like an expeditious TV choice. Sure, you’re cutting down on “walking” time if the winner is sitting or standing right there. But it takes something away from the grandeur of the show and it certainly steals something ineffable from the winner’s moment. Hey, when we practice our acceptance speeches in our mirrors, we imagine ourselves walking our glorious walk up to that glorious stage, not standing in a squishy aisle, battling for screen time with a person who’s paid to be a screen hog. That’s the winner’s moment and it shouldn’t be messed with, FOR. PETE’S. SAKE! (Wow. Seems I am disproportionately annoyed.)

But — I just can’t stop!

Because what other “avant-garde” locations await us tonight??

I mean, are we going to see “Gwyneth Paltrow presenting from …. the slimy-floored kitchen!” or “Nicole Kidman ….. from the alley trash cans with the deranged hobo reaction!” or “Anthony Hopkins …. presenting a winner, some losers, and a few snivelers, LIVE …. from the men’s room urinals!” ??

WHO THE HELL KNOWS??

Okay. Shhhh. Gotta watch.