Month: February 2008

This has been going around for a long time — and I actually did it a long time ago — but forgot to post it. So here ’tis now!

Basically, you Google your name with the word “needs” after it and see what comes up. Then you post the most …. uh, interesting ones, I guess.

So.

Tracey needs to keep her little yellow mouth shut.

Tracey needs some rest.

Wow. I had no idea Google knew me so well. I mean, these are all so so true. And mostly sad. Except that one about the knitting needle roll. I mean, really, how can this be something I need when I don’t know what in tarnation a knitting needle roll is? And what’s this whole matching-CDs-with-their-cases rigmarole? I really don’t think I need to do that either, because, well, it sounds horrible and tedious and why isn’t that person doing it herself? Why should I, Tracey, help you, stranger, match your CDs and cases? What’s in it for me? Do I get a cut of your sales to this giant blob of music stores? And how much could that actually be for a bunch of crappy CDs without their cases? Frankly, this all sounds very fishy and dicey to me, like maybe you need money because you’re jonesing for a fix and I don’t know nothin’ about jonesing or fixes so don’t get me all mired in your chemical imbroglio, okay? May I remind you, too, that I’m now adhering to a strict Code of Ethics, so it really doesn’t sound like something I, Tracey, need or even should do. Plus, it’s not like you’re asking nicely. There’s no polite request here. Listen to you — telling me I “need” to do this. You know what?? You need to step off, Slappy. Seriously. Step. Off. Because I just got me some new boxing gloves “so as to kick some ass.” Or didn’t you hear?

Thaaaat’s right.

So as.

Now add Mike Richardson-Bryan to my list of lovees. I can’t get the link to work but it was originally posted on Yankee Pot Roast(great stuff over there):

Best American Names of Horses Expected to Have Undistinguished Careers

Average at Best
Ayn Rand’s Condescending Sigh
Buyer’s Remorse
Cloud of Suspicion
Colic the Wonder Horse
Daddy Drinks Because I’m Slow
Exit Strategy
Fond of Long Naps
For the Love of God Run Faster
Glued Lightning
Hell is Other Horses
I Have No Son
Limp to Victory
Low Expectations
Luck o’the Amish
Pride of Two Guys with No Business Owning a Horse
Shoulda Bought a Monkey
Slim to None
Some Budding Young Actress’s Fit of Pique
Squeak of Defiance
Stupid Gypsy Curse
This is Your Horse on Drugs
Tripsy McStumble
Undisguised Contempt for All Things French
War Criminal

There’s no way to pick a favorite — too many are just killing me!

Happy Valentine’s Day. Or not. Whatevs, basically. Too much pressure, right??

Let’s play games instead.

GAME 1:

I saw this personal ad in the London Review of Books:

Nihilist seeks nothing.

Love that. It’s perfect. It’s witty. So it got me thinking and started a game at breakfast that I now invite you to join in.

The way it’s played: Take the name of a career, job, whatever (although one could argue that “nihilist” isn’t really a career; more of a hobby, maybe) — okay, hobby, too — and write a personal ad following the formula above.

Some examples we came up with at breakfast:

Actress seeks drama.

Stylist seeks groom.

Baker seeks cream puff.

Fireman seeks hottie.

Hairdresser seeks tease.

Get it? Of course you do! Lemme hear yours!! Ready? GO!

Just giving everyone something to do other than contemplate the pressure that comes with the day. Play me games instead, lassies and laddies! And speak with a brogue for no apparent reason!

GAME #2:

I’ve picked 10 famous couples from 10 famous movies. Happy couples. Tragic couples. Star-crossed couples. Mismatched couples. Warring couples. I tried to mix it up. They’re listed below. Your job now is to mix and match them. Rematch them. (I know. It may seem like a sacrilege in some cases.) Too BAD!! Rhett is no longer with Scarlett. Pair him with someone else. Explain why, if you’d like. AND also, with your new couple, create a new title for the movie they’re in.

Again, MB and I did this at breakfast. One of us came up with this one:

Mr. Darcy and Rhett /Gone with the Pride

Uhm, okay! We’ll just move along here.

Here’s the list of couples:

Harry and Sally — When Harry Met Sally

Rick and Ilsa — Casablanca

Rhett and Scarlett — Gone with the Wind

C.K. Dexter Haven and Tracy — The Philadelphia Story

Jack and Rose — Titanic

Henry and Eleanor (the happy couple!) — The Lion in Winter

Hubbell and Katie — The Way We Were

Alvy and Annie — Annie Hall

Sean and Mary Kate — The Quiet Man

Elizabeth and Darcy — Pride and Prejudice

Westley and Buttercup — The Princess Bride

Okay, there’s 11. Me + math = ?!#%?!! Do as many as you like here. I have absolute confidence that you can all come up with something better than Rhett and Darcy in Gone with the Pride. Okay?

GO!!

Kate P. has a blog now! I’m a little out of it lately, obviously. Behind the ol’ times.

Anyhoo.

Go check it out!

Well. So the list of people — or things — I am currently in love with continues to grow. First, there’s MB, always MB. Then there’s Michael Paulus. Then there’s my longtime girl crush on Amy Grant. Then there’s the the voice and the milkshake line.

And now …. there’s Greg Ames. I heart him. So much. I just cannot stop reading these and laughing.

Read.

Three Poems by Greg Ames

Bathing Ed Asner

I snatched the rubber duck
from his hairy, wet fist
and in a cruel voice
instructed him to quit
fooling and to sit down
dammit in the tub

“But I didn’t ask for your help,”
Asner whined, sulked, and slapped
the murky water with his puckered palms.

“Well, that’s pretty much beside
the point, isn’t it?” I said.
“I’m here now, helping you, so stop
making trouble for me, Lou Grant.”

“Don’t call me that!” he said.

“Well, then, lift up your arms,”
I whispered in his ear,
“and let’s swab out those pits.”

Vigil

I sat down on the toilet lid
crossed my muddy boots
on the edge of the tub.

“It was only a television program,”
he said. “It was only fiction. You know,
make-believe?”

“Don’t play the innocent,”
I warned him. “It doesn’t become you.”

“How much money do you want?”

“How dare you,” I said
and averted my eyes.
“You should consider getting
these tiles regrouted.”

“I don’t understand,” he said,
shivering in the tepid bath water.
“What do you want?”

“What do I want? Are you prepared
to give me what I want, Lou Grant?”

“Anything,” he said. “Yes. Anything.”

“Put this on,” I said.

Ups & Downs

Blue bathrobe billowing out behind him,
Asner clutched the rusted metal handle
of the seesaw we were riding in the park.

“Not so fast!” he thundered. “I’m getting dizzy.”

Now perched high above him, I could
see clear across the playground
to the tennis courts.
“How’s your net game, Lou?”
I said savagely.

Bare legs splayed over splintered green wood,
a yellow isosceles of Speedo thong
visible beneath his sagging paunch,
Asner spat filthy words down at me,
up at me, and down at me.

Eyes wild, he gripped the rusted handle like a frightened child.
“Cut it out,” he wheezed. “I said not so fast!”

For months I had been doing squat thrusts
in my basement for this very purpose.
My thighs were huge and astonishing.
Asner howled as the speed increased.

“Hold on tight, Lou Grant,” I shouted,
and bent my legs for a final
triumphant push.

Obsessed, I tell you!

With one line — one line — from a movie we saw last week. Or actually, part of one line from this movie. Amazing movie. Scary genius movie. I haven’t even entirely processed it yet. I’m not naming it so you can guess it if you want. If you’ve seen it, uhm, I’m pretty sure you’d remember it. It’s not just the line; it’s the voice. The voice is key. Trying to do the voice — “a sort of cross between Sean Connery and John Huston,” MB says — is now consuming him. And his best friend. And now …. me.

Just today, MB said, “I swear. The highlight of my day these days is when I talk to M and we do the voice.”

And I totally get that. I do.

So we’re in the car and MB’s cell phone rings and his face lights up. “It’s M!” He answers the phone and I can hear M — I can hear him from the passenger’s seat; he’s that loud — greeting my husband, not with hello, but with this:

“If you have a milkshake and I have a milkshake and –”

MB joins in:

“– I have a straw — hahahahahahaha!”

Then I’m laughing, trying to do the milkshake line, too. And now we’re all laughing about it, insane, for several perfect minutes.

Right now, it’s all about the voice and the milkshake line.

That’s the blessed mania that’s keeping us afloat.