my first book!

Well, nah, it’s not THAT.

A while back, my mom gave me a box full of my old grade school art projects and report cards and, ah, “writings.” Digging through it, I found my first “book.” A lovely little thing, actually, bound in thin cardboard covered in an icy, pale green tapestry. I know I had nothing to do with that pretty, textured binding; I was only in first grade. It was simply given to me and, in it, I wrote my magnum opus, carefully writing and erasing on that beige, wide-lane paper designed to stretch childish letters to absurd, wobbly heights. Really, that paper only encourages excess and grandiose notions in the already megalomanaical minds of grade school younguns. It’s not right. I actually thought I had written A BOOK! It was a true epic, all of 10 pages, including the priceless crayon artwork by the author.

So I share it with you now, dear readers, complete with the original punctuation, spelling, and capitalization. Perhaps you will see glimpses of a burgeoning genius.
Or …. perhaps just flashes of mania from a six-year-old mind obsessed with …. the Easter bunny.

That’s right. THE EASTER BUNNY.

The title of my tome was …. wait for it …. “Easter Bunny.”

I wish I could share the original artwork with you. Suffice it to say that I seemed unable to remember the color of the bunny from one page to the next and that I thought eggs were round. And black. What kind of sick, SICK Easter Bunny I was peddling, I have NO idea!

But here it is:

It was the. day before. Easter the. bunny. was ready

he had a basket full of egg and he was
(page turn)

Happy the sun shone and it was pretty then after he was done he went (page turn)

to bed and he slept at home and what a beautifull evening!

And he Slept all through the day And he was done He slept and slept (page turn)

And slept his eggs wer Pretty

The end

Okay. On the plus side:

Uhh … well … I used the correct verb — the sun “shone,” not “shined.”

I almost spelled “beautiful” correctly. At first glance, I thought I had. However, a closer look reveals an additional shadowy “L.” So I must cop to it. Drat.

I did, however, show unusual sensitivity for the sheer exhaustion that ol’ Easter Bunny MUST feel when he’s done delivering those black eggs to all the children of the world.

On the minus side:

My absolute obsession with periods in the beginning.

My utter disregard for them anywhere else.

“A basket full of egg”?! Not “eggs” — “EGG.” Is anybody else picturing a hoppy, little bunny with a basket full of jiggly, rotten goo? Ugh.

I almost nailed “beautiful” but couldn’t seem to manage “were.”

Notice the out-of-place capitalizations: Happy. Sleep. Pretty. These things were obviously very important to me.

Howevah …. since when is Sleep important to a six-year-old? Maybe I was narcoleptic, but I don’t remember it.

Poor dumb bunny.

Poor dumb sleepy bunny.

a wee obsession of mine

For some inexplicable reason, I’m a little bonkers about the history of the British monarchs. More particularly, the history and relationship between Queen
Elizabeth I and Mary, Queen of Scots.

Right now, I find myself in the midst of a re-read of “Mary, Queen of Scots” by Antonia Fraser. Really, the details of Mary’s execution (on the orders of Elizabeth I) are chilling and gruesome and fascinating. Fascinating in a chilling and gruesome way, you see. So in keeping with a good friend’s theory that if you’re reading or watching something gruesome, you absolutely MUST share it in order to purge or even manage the horror in your head, I’ll be sharing portions of this bit of history with you here.

Your turn for the bad dreams.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

But it IS interesting. Unless you don’t care for history. Then, I suppose it’s not, really.

(Now some very brief background before you read — Mary had been imprisoned in England for 19 years and was tried illegally — a sovereign of a foreign country tried for treason against a queen to whom she was not subject. But Mary WAS an incredibly divisive figure. Catholics loved her; Protestants hated her. English Catholics considered her the rightful heir of their throne and she DID have a legitimate claim to it. She and Elizabeth I were cousins, both descendants of Henry VII. But Mary, an extremely bright, charismatic women, ruled with her heart, trusted where she shouldn’t have, and lost her life for it. I imagine that one of these women would have HAD to die; the existence of one was too threatening for the other. And, in the end, Elizabeth was the one who kept her head, in more ways than one.)

Anyway, the excerpt. It’s long, but it reads fast, I think. Read through to the end for some rather … unexpected moments. And watch out for that pit-in-your-stomach feeling.

Starting the night before her execution:

She did not try to sleep. Her women gathered round her already wearing their black garments of mourning, and Mary asked Jane Kennedy to read aloud the life of some great sinner. The life of the good thief was chosen, and as the story reached its climax on the cross, Mary observed aloud: “In truth he was a great sinner, but not so great as I have been.” She then closed her eyes and said nothing further. Throughout the night the sound of hammering came from the great hall where the scaffold was being erected. The queen lay on her bed without sleeping, eyes closed and a half smile on her face.

The day now dawned fine and sunny; it was one of those unexpected early February days when it suddenly seems possible that spring will come. It was between eight and nine when a loud knocking was heard at the door and a messenger shouted through it that the lords were waiting for the queen. Mary asked for a moment to finish her prayers, at which the lords outside in a moment of panic feared some sort of last-minute resistance might be planned, unable to believe in the courage of their captive. But when they entered, they found Mary kneeling quietly in prayer in front of the crucifix which hung above the altar.

It was this crucifix which her groom now bore before her as she was escorted towards the great hall. The queen was totally calm and showed no signs of fear or distress. Her bearing was regal, and some of the observers afterwards even described her as cheerful and smiling. The last moment of agony came in the entry chamber to the hall, when her servants were held back from following her and the queen was told that she was to die quite alone, by the orders of Elizabeth. Melville (her steward), distracted at this unlooked-for blow, fell on his knees in tears. The queen dashed away her own tears and said gently: “You ought to rejoice and not to weep for that the end of Mary Stuart’s troubles is now done. Thou knowest, Melville, that all this world is but vanity and full of troubles and sorrows.”

Mary now turned to the lords and pleaded with them to allow at least some of her servants to be with her at the death, so that they could later report the manner of her death in other countries. Kent replied that her wish could not well be granted for before the execution her servants were sure to cry out and upset the queen herself, as well as disquieting the company, while afterwards they might easily attempt to dip their napkins in her blood for relics which, said Kent grimly, “were not convenient.”

“My lord,” replied Mary, “I will give you my word and promise for them that they shall not do any such thing as your lordship hath named. Alas, poor souls, it would do them good to bid me farewell.” After hurried whispered consultations, the lords relented and Melville, Jane Kennedy, and Elizabeth Curle and two others were allowed to go forward with the queen.

Mary now entered the great hall in silence. The spectators gathered there — about 300 of them — gazed with awe and apprehension at this legendary figure whose dramatic career was about to be ended before their eyes. They saw a tall and gracious woman, dressed in black, save for the long, white lace-edged veil which flowed down her back to the ground like a bride’s, and the white stiffened and peaked head-dress, that too edged with lace, below which gleamed her auburn hair. Her satin dress of black was embroidered with black velvet, with black acorn buttons of jet trimmed with pearl; through the slashed sleeves could be seen inner sleeves of purple. She held a crucifix and a prayer book in her hand, and two rosaries hung down from her waist. Despite the fact that Mary’s shoulders were now bowed and stooping with illness and her figure grown full with the years, she walked with immense dignity. Time and suffering had long ago rubbed away the delicate youthful charm of her face, but to many of the spectators, her extraordinary composure and serenity had its own beauty.

In the centre of the great hall was set a wooden stage, all hung with black. On it were two stools for Shrewsbury and Kent and beside them, also draped in black, the block, and a little cushioned stool on which it was intended the queen should sit while she was disrobed. The great axe was already lying there.

Once led up the three steps of the stage, the queen listened patiently while the commission for her execution was read aloud. Her expression never changed. The first sign of emotion was wrung from her when the Protestant dean of Peterborough stepped forward and proposed to harangue the queen according to the rites of the Protestant religion. “Mr. Dean,” said the queen firmly, “I am settled in the ancient Catholic Roman religion and mind to spend my blood in defence of it.” Shrewsbury and Kent both exhorted her to listen to him, and even offered to pray with the queen, but all these proposals Mary resolutely rejected. “If you will pray with me, my lords,” she said, “I will thank you, but to join in prayer I will not, for that you and I are not of one religion.” And when the dean, in answer to the earls’ direction, finally knelt down on the scaffold steps and started to pray out loud and at length, in a prolonged and rhetorical style as though determined to force his way into the pages of history, Mary still paid no attention but turned away and started to pray aloud out of her own book in Latin, in the midst of these prayers, sliding off her stool on to her knees. When the dean was at last finished, the queen changed her prayers and began to pray out loud in English for the afflicted English Catholic church, for her son, and for Elizabeth, that she might serve God in the years to come. Kent remonstrated with her: “Madam, settle Christ Jesus in your heart and leave those trumperies.”

But the queen prayed on, asking God to avert his wrath from England and calling on the saints to intercede for her, and so she kissed the crucifix she held, and crossing herself, ended: “Even as Thy arms, O Jesus, were spread here upon the cross, so receive me into Thy arms of mercy and forgive me all my sins.”

When the queen’s prayers were finished, the executioners asked her, as was customary, to forgive them in advance for bringing about her death. Mary answered immediately: “I forgive you with all my heart, for now I hope you shall make an end of all my troubles.” Then the executioners, helped by Jane Kennedy and Elizabeth Curle, assisted the queen to undress. Kent noticed that she undressed so quickly, that it seemed as if she was in haste to be gone out of the world. Stripped of her black, she stood in a red velvet petticoat and it was seen that above it, she wore a red satin bodice, trimmed with lace; one of her women handed her a pair of red sleeves, and it was thus wearing all red, the color of blood and the liturgical color of martyrdom in the Catholic Church, that the queen of Scots died.

According to their usual practice, the executioners stretched forth their hands for the queen’s ornaments which were their perquisites. When they touched the long golden rosary, Jane Kennedy protested, and the queen intervened and said that they would be compensated with money in its place. She retained her composure sufficiently to remark wryly of the executioners that she had never before had such grooms of the chamber to make her ready. It was the queen’s women who could not contain themselves as they wept and crossed themselves and muttered snatches of Latin prayers. Finally Mary had to turn to them and admonish them softly: “Ne crie point pour moi. J’ai promis pour vous …”

The time had come for Jane Kennedy to bind the queen’s eyes with the white cloth embroidered in gold which Mary herself had chosen for the purpose the night before. Jane first kissed the cloth and then wrapped it gently round her mistress’s eyes and over her head so that her hair was covered as by a white turban and only the neck left completely bare. The two women then withdrew from the stage. The queen without even now the faintest sign of fear, knelt down once more on the cushion in front of the block. She recited aloud in Latin the psalm, In te Domino confido, non confundar in aeternum — In you Lord is my trust, let me never be confounded — and then feeling for the block, she laid her head down upon it, placing her chin carefully with both hands, so that if one of the executioners had not moved them back, they too would have lain in the direct line of the axe.

The queen stretched out her arms and legs and cried: “In manus tuas, Domine, confide spiritum meum” — “Into your hand, O Lord, I commend my spirit” — three or four times. When the queen was lying there quite motionless, the executioner’s assistant put his hand on her body to steady it for the blow. Even so, the first blow, as it fell, missed the neck and cut into the back of the head. The queen’s lips moved, and her servants thought they heard the whispered words: “Sweet Jesus.” The second blow severed the neck, all but the smallest sinew, and this was severed by using the axe as a saw. It was about ten o’clock in the morning of Wednesday, 8 February, the queen of Scots being then aged forty-four years old and in the nineteenth year of her English captivity.

In the great hall of Fotheringhay, before the wondering eyes of the crowd, the executioner now held aloft the dead woman’s head, crying out as he did so: “God save the Queen.” The lips still moved and continued to do so for a quarter of an hour after the death. But at this moment, weird and moving spectacle, the auburn tresses in his hand came apart from the skull and the head itself fell to the ground. It was seen that Mary Stuart’s own hair had in fact been quite grey and very short at the time of her death. For her execution she had chosen to wear a wig. The spectators were stunned by the unexpected sight and remained silent. It was left to the dean of Peterborough to call out strongly: “So perish all the Queen’s enemies, ” and for Kent standing over the corpse to echo: “Such be the end of all the Queen’s and all the Gospel’s enemies.” But Shrewsbury could not speak and his face was wet with tears.

It was now time for the executioners to strip the body of its remaining adornments before handing it over to the embalmers. But at this point, a strange and pathetic memorial to that devotion which Mary Stuart had always aroused in those who knew her intimately was discovered: her little lap dog, a Skye terrier, which had managed to accompany her into the hall under her long skirts, now crept out from beneath her petticoat and in its distress, stationed itself piteously beneath the severed head and shoulders of the body. Nor would it be coaxed away, but steadfastly and uncomprehendingly clung to the solitary thing it could find which still reminded it of its mistress. To all others save this poor animal, the sad corpse lying so still on the floor of the stage, in its red clothes against which the blood stains scarcely showed, with its face now sunken to that of an old woman in the harsh disguise of death, bore little resemblance to her whom they had known only a short while before as Mary Queen of Scots. The spirit had fled the body. The chain was loosed to let the captive go.

(A final note: That little dog was washed and washed again, although it later refused to eat and pined away for its mistress. Queen Elizabeth turned on her secretary for daring to use the warrant of execution she herself had signed. She claimed it had been simply “for safety’s sake,” and had the man thrown in prison. Mary’s attendants were STILL kept in prison and were not allowed to return to their native countries, despite the fact that Mary had so vehemently stipulated this at the end. And who succeeded Elizabeth I? Why, Mary’s Protestant son, James — who did nothing to save his mother, by the way. He became James VI of Scotland and James I of England, finally uniting the two countries. )

sudoku

My Beloved was immersed in a work project this weekend. I thought I’d pine away, but unfortunately, I stumbled upon something vexing to occupy a little too much of my time.

This is Sudoku:

Some of you may already know of it. It’s really just a wretched little puzzle game using wretched little NUMBERS, but it has now become my White Whale and what Ahab felt of THAT beast, I now feel about mine:

All that most maddens and torments; all that stirs up the lees of things; all truth with malice in it; all that cracks the sinews and cakes the brain; all the subtle demonisms of life and thought; all evil, to crazy Ahab, where visibly personified, and made practically assailable in Moby Dick.

Or Sudoku.

The rules are maddeningly simple: Enter the numbers from 1 to 9 into the blank spaces. Every row must contain one of each number. So must every column, as must every 3×3 square. THERE MUST BE NO DUPLICATES. Got it? ‘Course you do.

Some of you might be saying, “So? So what? What’s the big deal? S’easy.”

Well, that’s all very nice for you, but I wish you smartypants would please go away and leave us dummypants to drool alone in our OWN DUMB PANTS.

You see, for someone like me who breaks into a sweat at the sight of numbers and whimpers at the mere thought of math, this is a challenge. Any gifts I have … lie elsewhere. So why do it? Well, for that very reason — because I think there’s a part of my brain that just limps along, or worse, gets dragged along by the stronger parts of my brain, or worse, has been viciously rubbed out, leaving only a faded chalk outline of a once decent chunk of brain. Whatever the problem, that chunk needs help … if it’s not too late.

Actually, there’s no math involved, thank God. Rather, the game involves logic — but logic WITH NUMBERS, and therein lies the rub, you see.

And don’t you even tell me that I’m a “geek,” because I imagine a genuine “geek” could do these with ease.

And don’t you even tell me you “did it in 5 minutes.” Even if it’s true.

Better yet, just DON’T do it in 5 minutes.

So if you’d like to try one, go here and play for free.

crazy people make me crazy

I have to say this. I have to. I have a wee problem when nutters procreate. If you’re a nutter AND having a child, we are not going to be friends. Of course, it’s all my definition of who’s a nutter, a wacko, a loon. But if it makes you feel better in your insanity, just knowing that you’re crazy AND having a child nearly drives me to the brink of nutterdom, too.

Take Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. After standing on the shore, mesmerized by the sparkle, they finally took the plunge into Kook Lagoon a while back. They are now Officially Crazy AND they are having a baby AND we are not going to be friends.

Here’s the latest information I found on what Uncle L. Ron and the Church of Scientology expect from Katie when she gives birth:

— She is not to cry out or scream or make any loud noise in general when she’s in labor; this is bad for the baby.

— After the birth, 7 days of silence. This is good for the baby.

— Oh, and of course, OF COURSE, Katie will not be allowed any drugs during labor. Because that is no good for anyone, I guess.

Hope there’s no post-partum.

See what happens when you go swimming in the crazy?

babies who brag are the WORST

I AM BUTTON BABY! HEAR ME ROAR!!

Here are some of the words I whipped out for Tee Tee’s entertainment the other day:

pwincess … giwaffe … cockodile … elphant … hippimus …wabbit … koala … Cinwella … quesadilla — which I say best of all, because I love it best of all

And Tee Tee’s favorite: Humpy Dumpy

Later that day, I spontaneously blurted: “Hi, guys!” “Off we go!” and “See ya!”

No one knew I could say them. But just look at my eyes; I’d been saving them up for a bit, can’t you tell?

I can also say all these colors:

Er, well, really, I just say “orrj” for “orange.”

(Give me a break. I’ve only been on the outside 18 months!)

But I do know all these shapes:

Er, well, actually, that green one’s a real head scratcher.

Tee Tee says, “It’s not polite to brag, Button,” but I don’t know what that means. Yet.

Tee Tee also says she loves me but, apparently, I “freak her out a little bit.”

What’s that, Tee Tee? Oh. She says I need to remember that I still wear THESE:

That’ll keep me “humble,” she says.

Whatever, Tee Tee. I’ll just be over here, counting to 10.

those boys

I stumbled across some old journals the other day. I kept them during the worst of our infertility struggles and then put them somewhere out of reach and out of sight. But when I found them the other day, I thought I might look at them; I thought I might be strong enough to read, to revisit those days. Ah, well …..

I did find an entry about my sweet nephews, though. This is from 7 years ago, so they would have been about 6 and 3 at the time. I still remember how faithfully they prayed for MB and me. Every night, they would cajole God to give us a baby. Sometimes, they would try to convince God, telling Him how much they loved us, so surely a little baby would, too. Sometimes, they would try to bargain with God, promising to be good and play with the baby. And sometimes, they would lose their little man tempers with God, crying, “WHY won’t you answer us, God?”

Oh, those precious, GOOD boys! I will never get over how fiercely they pounded the gates of heaven on our behalf. I will never get over not knowing how to answer their questions about God. I will never get over how Elder Nephew railed at God one night, saying, “You KNOW what we want! I AM SO FRUSTRATED WITH YOU, GOD!!” But how can you explain God’s sovereignty to little boys when you can’t understand it, even as an adult? They were so sure and so persistent and so full of faith. Their childlike hearts were more hardy than mine.

Anyway, the entry. It’s short:

Yesterday, I went up to (sister’s) house and Younger Nephew ran up to me, so excited, and said, “Tayhee! Tayhee! We’re praying for you to have a baby dirl (girl)!”

Elder Nephew was instantly upset and cried out, “No! You’re not supposed to tell! That was gonna be their Christmas present!!”

Utterly frustrated with his younger brother and near tears, he raced out of the room.

Suddenly, I pictured them lying in their beds at night, whispering to each other, planning plans for us, planning plans for God, in all their certainty and innocence, and I felt sure I would burst from the goodness and completeness of their love for us.

Whoever heard of such boys?

“the why not and whatnot of it all”

About a month ago, a girlfriend of mine volunteered to lead worship for a women’s group at another friend’s church. She was quite nervous, as she is is relatively new to the guitar and has never led group worship before.

Well, after it was over, she sent me this email. It’s just adorably hilarious, so I thought I’d share it with you.

Oh, and the parentheticals are all hers. That’s her title, too. I didn’t change a thing!

Here it is:

“Well, mission accomplished.

“I managed to play (stumble) through my songs and conquer (mask) my inadequacies as a musician/singer. My voice sounded pretty good (slightly harsh) and I did not crack (that I was able to remember after the sheer adrenaline rush) and thank heavens (God) for my exceedingly loud voice (which I cannot control) because although I chose songs that everybody knew, nobody sang loud enough to be heard by me (over my exceedingly loud voice, that is) in the small living room of the house. Singing loud helped me to overcome my fears (mask my nervousness and yet mysteriously make it evident at the same time), but oh, well, what CAN one do??

“My friend told me that worship was ‘awesome’ (which I accepted with great suspicion) and failed to tell me what everyone else thought (which I accepted with complete understanding). However, she did mention that if I just kept on doing a few familiar songs rather than mixing it up, the women would ‘soon get used to my style’ (accept the fact that I am loud and play roughly as well as loud). This, of course, worried me and did nothing for my self esteem in this area, as I never saw myself with any particular type of ‘style’ and wondered what EXACTLY she meant. So I chalked the comment up to a polite way of saying, ‘Keep it simple, my friend, because you suck and everyone was ultimately taken aback by your “style” and your loud — GOOD GOD, OH SO LOUD voice.’

“I guess God made me (obliviously) bold. Love and blessings —“

everything old is new again

Ohh, hahahahaha.

A competition where movie classics are re-edited to look like completely different movies. This one’s the winner. I don’t want to give away what movie it is. Go see for yourself. I’ve already watched it too many times, so I need to pass the urge along …. that way, perhaps I can be free ….

UPDATE: Oh, I should add, it’s only a trailer, not an entire movie. Hint: “Red rum, red rum, RED RUM!”

gotta be God

A quick story:

A friend of mine recently went to a new prayer group started at Church X. Let’s call said friend “Lou.” The group’s theme was “How to Pray.” Lou was curious, so he went.

About 30 people were gathered in one of the classrooms. The leader spoke for a while about praying to receive “words.” At one point, one of the co-leaders spoke quite loudly, saying, “I give you authority in the name of Jesus Christ!” and then said, “Let’s all be quiet and ask to hear from the Lord.” A hush fell. One older gentleman in the group, though, started reciting The Lord’s Prayer out loud. When he finished, he quietly said, “THIS is the model of prayer we’ve been given by the Lord.”

Everyone in the group stared at him — as my friend described it, “as if he were crazy.” The man fell silent.

After a few moments more, the leader said, “Raise your hand if you are NOT getting a word from the Lord.”

During the silence, Lou had been flooded with Scripture, but not ‘words,’ so he raised his hand. The leader walked over, face puckered in concern, apparently, and whispered, “Ohhh. Let me pray for you.”

Lou whispered back, “I’d really like to talk to you about the focus of the group.”

The leader glossed over the comment.

“Well, were you getting a word?”

“No. I was getting Scripture.”

“Oh. Well, let me pray for you.” He did. Lou still “got” Scripture — and nothing else.

The leader simply turned away from him.

“Okaay. Who has a word for someone in the group?”

Most of the hands went up and one young fellow was called on to start. He went ’round the room, giving words to everyone. They were generic, about “freedom” and “new things,” nothing truly individual or relevatory. God is universally in the business of freedom; universally in the business of doing new things, all the time. Nevertheless, the leader was so excited, he just called out, “Well! You’re on a roll! Why don’t you just ‘do’ the whole room?”

My friend left without getting his word and without saying another.

Maybe this is your church. Or the church of someone you know.

“I thought it, so it must be from God,” right?