AI … and stuff

“The American Songbook” American Idol.

I don’t really have a lot to say. I wasn’t holding out much hope tonight so I was doing dishes, actually, but I could still hear it. Let’s see. How’s this: Everyone was mostly good.

Except for …. KELLIE!

LORDDD!!! She’s so vapid, so empty. Can I just slap a blinking neon “VACANCY” sign on that bleach-blonde forehead?? Buh-BYE, Kellieeee! Enjoy your career a’pickin’ and a’grinnin’ at Dollywood.

Ace ….. um, that HAIR!! From the neck up, he looked like a member of the Ukrainian Women’s Gymastic Team. I mean, wha??? Gimme some balance beam, baby. NOW!!!

Katherine …. well, she FINALLY had her magic moment. She was a revelation.

And on an unrelated note: TomKat, your new baby girl is named Suri? Apparently, it means “princess” in Hebrew, chosen because … you’re both so Jewish?? And apparently, it means “red rose” in Persian, chosen because … you’re both so Iranian?? And how do you pronounce that, exactly? Is it “Sur-ee” as in “Surrey With the Fringe on Top”? Or is it “Sur-eye” as in “Sir, I need you to stop flashing your wee-wee at the kiddies”??

I mean, you REALLY named her Suri?!?

Xenu’s gonna be pissed, man.

the sign

It is wedged against the inside of a box of books when I find it. I tug, not even sure what it is as I do so. A moment later it is in my hands. A small doorknob sign, cross-stitched with branches and birds and eggs. Baby Sleeping, it reads. I stare at it unblinking. It is small and light, but my hands feel suddenly heavy.

What is this? Where did it come from?

Then I remember a hopeful friend about 10 years ago and her hopeful shining face and that sting comes again, that sting in my stomach and in my eyes. A sting that used to be my constant mocking companion, but who now only drops by rude and unannounced, like this. I have not missed him. One last fleeting glance at those delicate nesting birds and I shove the sign back in the box.

easter non sequiturs

….. Piper was told to dress up for Easter. She put on a shirt and her favorite purple sweatpants. Her dad came to check on her. “No, sweetie. Something a little more dressy.” She changed her shirt.

…. during the message today, my pastor proffered the idea that Mary Magdalene doesn’t recognize the resurrected Jesus, not because He is glowing or transfigured, but because He is mangled, bearing the marks of His death on His body still. She cannot recognize this man — until He speaks her name. And that is how He connects to her again, simply saying, “Mary” with that voice, the voice of the only person who had ever truly loved her. And then she knew Him.

I wish I could remember exactly how he said it, but it made me cry.

….. this quote came up in the sermon, “Addiction is a force that turns us away from love …. ALL of us suffer from addiction” ~ Gerald May, Addiction and Grace. I like that.

….. but then — um, also — during worship, a fellow took to dancing in the aisle about 2 feet away from me, slipping off his shoes and bouncing about in his stockinged feet. I watched him, of course, because I’m only human and because I LOVE to be amused, even at church. Especially at church. At one point, his feet, fueled by da joy of da Lord, I guess, began to stomp about violently in what I think was an attempt at “the running man.” And mere seconds later, I was shaking with laughter as our running man was struck down, made to trip over his own flailing feet — by the Holy Spirit, I guess, clearly as displeased as I by this sorry, spastic frolic. All that, and on Easter, too!

You know, sometimes it’s just the littlest things that can renew your faith in God.

michael and william

See that tiny slip of a thing, that delicate, refined old lady, sitting in the corner at The Beanhouse, daintily sipping her coffee and eating her gooey cinnamon roll? That’s Michael; she’s a regular. And I love Michael. She always accessorizes herself with something unusual, handcrafted — a carved necklace from Guatemala, an embroidered scarf from India — and she’s always on her way to the nearby art museum, where she is a docent. This is her routine every day … with the coffee and the dainty and the gooey. Obviously, Michael is some kind of magical cinnamon sprite to be able to do gooey while being dainty and staying tiny.

She looks frail almost, but she is one zesty old lady. She lives like she really means it. She relishes everything. I love to watch her, secretly, as she finishes her gooey gob of cinnamon roll, smushing every last buttery bite beneath her fork. She dabs the crumbs from her lips, waves a wrinkled hand to me and grins, declaring, “Mmm-mm-MMM! Tracey, that was so good!” Then, as she scurries off to her gig at the museum, we always have a brief conversation and she always has something interesting to say.

Like yesterday.

I was telling her about the drama camp I do every summer. Her eyes grew large as she smiled and said, “Oh, Tracey. My father taught drama, too.”

“Really?” I replied.

“Oh, yes! And do you know who one of his students was?”

“No! Who??”

I was dying.

“William Holden.”

Was she kidding me?? William Holden? WILLIAM freakin’ HOLDEN?? I felt giddy and grabbed the back of a chair for support.

“Oh, yes,” she said. “And do you want to hear something else?”

(Did I ever!?!)

“All the teachers there thought he was just a pretty boy no-talent. Except for my father. He would always say to them, ‘No. NO! You watch him. Just watch. You’ll see. He’s got something. You’ll see’.”

Wow. WOW.

I sputtered this word several more times, slack-jawed and senseless. Michael chuckled and patted my arm as she walked by.

“Yeah. Now think about THAT.”

My mouth was still hanging open as she grinned and left me.

WOW.

See why I love Michael?

AI-yi-yi

AI does Queen. I’m very, very ….. concerned. Yes, concerned.

Well, nothin’ I can do about it. Here we go.

Hm…. Bucky is not really feelin’ the Fat-Bottomed Girls. He looks vaguely embarrassed to me, as if he’s thinking Hee hee …. I just said fat bottom. He doesn’t seem a real FAN of the Fat-Bottomed Girls, which I believe one truly needs to be to sing “Fat-Bottomed Girls, you make the rockin’ world go ’round.” I mean, just a thought.

Oh. You know which Fat-Bottomed Girl DID make the rockin’ world go ’round? MANDISA.

Ace (*KA-POWW*!): “We Will Rock You.” Sighhhh. You know that permanent scar baby-face Ace has? I’m pretty sure I now have one, too. On my eardrums. And …. um …. what was that let-me-walk-my-voice-down-the-stairs moment?? The bottom just fell out right there. Guess it was NOT a fat bottom — which is something he coulda used to cushion that spanking he got from the judges. (Simon: It was We Will Rock You Gently. Hahaha.)

Kellie: “Bohemian Rhapsody.” Aggghhh! The lighting on her!!! Sweet Moses!! You know, I once worked in a funeral home and, lemme tell ya, I’ve seen that face before. Blimey. All I can say is “Nothing really matters to meeeeee ……” And Simon’s comment is quite beyond her understanding so he has to simplify: “Okay, it worked.”

Chris: “Innuendo.” I didn’t like the song, but he sounded great. ‘Nuf said. Oh, wait. Not ‘nuf. May I say this? His voice could possibly get a bit wearing after a while. His vibrato-o-o-o-o-o is very wi-i-i-i-i-i-de. NOW ‘s ‘nuf.

Katherine: She loves herself, you know. “Who Wants to Live Forever.” Oh, my. She’s having a Celine Dion moment. And I. don’t. like. Celine Dion. I’m sorry. There’s just something about her. You know how we all have foods that we think we’re supposed to like, but we don’t, we JUST DON’T? No matter how hard you TRY to like that food, you just can’t? She’s that. And for me, it’s cheesecake. She’s my personal cheesecake. I feel I’m supposed to like it, people are surprised when I say I don’t like it because they LOOOVE it, but, well, too bad. More cheesecake for them, I guess.

Elliott: “Somebody to Love.” I love this song. And I like Elliott. Bring it, baby!! Oh, dear. I like his voice, but he just doesn’t have it for this song. Again, with the non-connection. But it sorta works, I guess.

Taylor: “Crazy Little Thing Called Love.” What’s happening?? He missed the mic kick-down. WHAT are you DOING, Salt’n’Peppa Elvis?? WHAT’S with the tippy toe on the stairs?? You know, lately, he’s begun to make me verrry uncomfortable. I’m constantly worrying that he’ll throw out his back with his cra-a-a-a-zy, hunchy monkeyshines. Or worse, that he’ll split his pants, revealing smiley face boxers. Stuff like that makes me wanna cry. Randy and Paula like it, but, thank God, Simon says, “Taylor, ARE YOU DRUNK??”

Which gives me an idea: Next week, maybe I’ll watch and blog while drunk. And I don’t really drink, so that’d be somepin’, I’m tellin’ ya. One glass of wine, basically, and I’d be “hee hee ….. he just said fat bottom ….. hee hee …..”

You know, I may be onto something here. What if we all blogged AI drunk? Just a thought, really. (No, don’t start drinking NOW.)

And last …. Li’l Hattie McDaniel: “The Show Must Go On.” (Okay. I gotta admit, this is the least Hattie McDanielly she’s looked.) I don’t like this song. Or her outfit. And I could swear those are her old-timey stable wench boots from last week. Oh, bleah. Let’s just go with Simon’s comment: “I found it all a little weeahhd.”

Oh, I don’t know. I’m tired and cranky. So, yeah. It was all a little weeahhd.

Update: Cullen give his thoughts.

a homecoming story

Dear reader Lyn of New Things has lost her mother. For many months now, she has been by her mother’s bedside, caring for her, loving her, knowing this moment would come. But the story she tells of her mother’s homecoming is so tender and loving, I feel I must share part of it with you and then urge you to make haste to her site to read the rest of it. The note Lyn’s young daughter writes to her Grandma is particularly touching …. and wise. Here’s a brief excerpt of Lyn’s story:

The day before Mom’s homegoing, her nurse was in her room, and could see that she was getting close to that point. She told us that if we had anything we needed to tell her, we needed to do so, because she was very close. We all began blessing her with words that we had stored in our hearts. There were tears shed as we prepared ourselves to let go, but Mom was not ready. She held on, and even pulled out of her deep sleep to laugh and eat and hug her grandbabies goodnight one last time. So much better did she appear, that the nurse called off 24 hour care and went home. Momma said “tell him he can go home, we don’t need him here.“ He checked her lungs–miraculously clear, breathing wonderfully! Her color had returned, as did her strength and her wit. She spoke of how it was time now for her “Homecoming” and what a wonderful day it would be. She wondered aloud if there would be any pain when it came that time, and over and over again, she said “Wonderful Homecoming,” “Wonderful Day.”

Please go read the whole story. It is so moving.

I needed this today

This is Tyson, the skateboarding bulldog!!

(And I’ve never been more ashamed about not knowing how to skateboard. Sheez LOUISE!!)

Click on link below to see him in action — oh, and watch him manuever through a TURN at one point. I think I have a wee crush on him.

the week ahead

I thought this was a lovely contemplation for the week ahead, whether one is Protestant or Catholic. From The Anchoress, written by a friend of hers.

Give it a read, will you?

Seven Days that Shook the World
April 9, 2006
by Greg Kandra

After spending the last few weeks in the desert of Lent, suddenly we find ourselves in an oasis, clutching long leaves of palms.

But like so many things you see after being in the desert, it’s a mirage. What we see, or think we see, is about to shift before our eyes.

Soon enough, the palms will be whips. The leaves will be thorns. Jubilation will become jeers. That is the paradox and the mystery of Holy Week.

The liturgies of this week are powerful and primal. In the days to come, there is silence and smoke, fire and water, shadow and light. We are a part of something both ancient and new, and what we do this week reminds us of that. The altar will be stripped. The cross will be venerated. The tabernacle will be emptied. The Blessed Sacrament will be moved. Bells will be stilled.

And yet here we stand, at the gates to Jerusalem, palms in our hands and hosannas on our lips, beginning the arduous trek to Calvary.

It is easy to be distracted by the events of the world, and not really pay attention to what we will do this week. Somewhere, wars are raging, and politicians are squabbling. Somewhere, Easter eggs are being sold, and chocolate is being inventoried, and plastic grass is lining wicker baskets.

But not here. Not now. Not yet.

This week, take the time to wonder about what we are doing, and what we are remembering.

For close to two thousand years, we have gathered like this, in places like this, to light candles and chant prayers and read again the ancient stories of our deliverance and redemption.

But are we aware of what we are doing? Do we understand what it means? Do we realize the price that was paid? A proper accounting is impossible. The ledger—His life, for our souls—seems woefully unbalanced.

So try this. This week, take a moment in each day that passes to wonder: What was He doing during this time of that one week all those centuries ago? What was crossing His mind on Monday, on Tuesday, on Wednesday? What sort of anguish? What kind of dread?

Has anything we have ever worried about, or lost sleep over, or agonized about, even come close?

He was a man like us in all things but sin. He must have been terrified, His mind buzzing with questions. Long after the others had drifted off to sleep, did He stay awake and worry? Maybe He sat up alone, late at night, whittling a piece of wood, the way His father had taught Him, until a splinter sliced His skin, drawing a rivulet of blood. He might have flinched and thought: Well, this is nothing. And still it stings. How intense would the pain of death become? How long would it last? How much humiliation would He be forced to endure, stripped and bleeding? And: What about His mother? Is there anything He could do to spare her from this?

As you shop for Easter baskets and dye, think of this. Ponder this. Wonder about it. Make it a kind of prayer.

And then, remember what we are doing, and why.

Because, of all the calendars in all of human history, this is the week that changed the world.

well, HERE’s something!

From “New Woman,” a British magazine, comes a list for you this Friday.

Get ready for “THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN OF ALL TIME”!!

Lemme know where you differ. Counting down from 10, here we go:

10. Scarlett Johannson:

9. Halle Berry:

8. Princess Diana:

7. Catherine Zeta-Jones:

6. Angelina Jolie:

5. Marilyn Monroe:

4. Sophia Loren:

3. Cindy Crawford:

2. Grace Kelly:

1. Audrey Hepburn:

And for those wondering, “Hey, where’s so and so??” here’s a list of 11-20. names only:

11: Kate Moss
12: Elizabeth Taylor
13: Cameron Diaz
14: Vivien Leigh
15: Charlize Theron
16: Nicole Kidman
17: Claudia Schiffer
18: Rita Hayworth
19: Ingrid Bergman
20: Julie Christie

Okay. So, REALLY — Cindy Crawford is #3?? REALLY?? Above Sophia Loren or Marilyn Monroe or Ingrid Bergman or Julie Christie or ALMOST ANY OF THEM!?? Wow.

And I love, love, LOVE Audrey Hepburn, but is she The Most Beautiful Woman of all Time? Is this based on pure, empirical beauty or the woman’s entire persona?

And Ingrid Bergman is not Top 10, at least?

KATE MOSS? Coked-up KATE MOSS?? Well, it IS a British magazine. I mean, look, Princess Diana is there. She was attractive, yeah, but …. well, puhleaaze.

And Cameron Diaz is #13? REALLY??

Boy, my eyes is gettin’ BAD, I guess!