“Tee Tee, why is her hair like that?” says The Banshee.
“Well, I just like it, I guess.”
“Oh.” She stares at the girl I drew, then says, “Yeah. I do, too.”
“Really? Well, that’s good.”
Several seconds pass before she speaks again.
“I think her name is Butternut.”
“Oh? Okay.”
She runs her hand over the paper and stares at Butternut for a long time.
The Banshee saw it first and mentioned it because she’s The Banshee. A very forthright child.
“Tee Tee,” she said, “why is there a big hole in your sock?”
Oh.
I’d taken off my Converse to jump on the giant trampoline with her, you see, forgetting about the big hole in the heel of my black sock, mainly because I really don’t care about a big hole in my sock or a big hole in your sock or a big hole in anyone’s sock. Holes happen. That’s just life. Besides, most people never see the big hole in my black sock because it’s covered with a shoe that doesn’t have a hole in it. Yet. And lest you think I have nothing but holey socks, I should inform you that this is my only holey sock, which I mention because it’s important that you’re still impressed with me even though I’m pretty sure that ship has sailed long ago. Somewhere in the wilds of the bedroom closet, there’s another black sock, hiding whole and happy, but only God knows where and it would seem he doesn’t want to tell me. Besides, if I had a whole sock, this post wouldn’t exist and then everyone loses, right?
“Tee Tee! What about your sock?” The Banshee was very concerned.
“Oh, well, sweetie” ….. Tee Tee’s a pathetic loser? …. “that’s there so … I can draw a face on my foot and have a nice frame around it. Pretty cool, huh?”
She furrowed her freckled brow at me.
“That’s not why, Tee Tee.”
“Sure, it is.” I was straight-faced.
“Nooooo …..”
Less sure now.
“Well, how else can you draw a face on your foot and frame it then?”
“Uhm …… I don’t …. know, Tee Tee.”
She scrunched her little face. She was actually considering how one might do this.
“Well, this is how you do it, I’m telling you.”
“Let me see your foot.”
“Okay.”
I held my holey foot up to her. She examined it like a doctor. All she needed was the white lab coat.
“Yeah. That’s a big hole, Tee Tee.”
“Yup. That just means I can draw a big face.”
“Really?”
“You still don’t believe me? Okay. Gimme a pen.”
She sprinted across the room, grabbed a pen off the counter, and sprinted back to our perch at the table, her expression wavering between resistance and surrender. The Banshee doesn’t come along for any ol’ ride just because it’s offered, just because the door is open and the engine is running. Nope. She likes to be wooed. She has to be convinced. Basically, she likes to feel that she is the commanding monarch and you are her groveling minion. Sure, I was the one with the big stupid hole in my sock which definitely carried more than a hint of eau de peon but, whatever, kid. That’s fine. We’ll see how this plays out, but you’re in control, okay?
Humming God Save the Queen, I took the pen and began to draw on my foot. This, pippa, is called “committing to the bit.” I must commit to the bit or The Banshee never will.
After a second or two, I glanced up and watched her eyes, sky blue marbles, sliding their gaze to my foot, my face, my foot, dubious but mesmerized too.
Suddenly she furrowed again.
“Tee Tee! That’s not a smiley face!”
“Of course not. I’m doing the eyes first.”
“Ohh.”
She watched me, her blue oh’s getting bigger and bigger and bigger until she could take it no more.
“Gimme the pen, Tee Tee! Gimme the pen!! I wanna draw on your foot, too!
Haha. Got her.
So she drew a bulbous nose and a wry mouth and some smudgy cheeks, and then it was done. The big stupid hole in the sock had served its stated purpose: framing our foot portrait. Our spontaneous collaborative art project.
Our fortrait.
Yes, it’s a crummy cell phone photo, but please feel free to admire my flexibility. Not bad for a withered crone AND a groveling minion.
Although I am dismayed at how shifty my left foot is. I had no idea.
Hahahahahaha. The genius of Brian continues unabated. I asked for a Waldo, he gave me a Waldo.
And, yes, NOW I like this painting.
Oh, Lord.
Someone sent this image to me in an email, talking about how GREAT and BEAUTIFUL and MEANINGFUL it is and how I needed to send it along to non-Christians I know.
Why? What for? To say, “Hi! Not only am I a Christian, which probably annoys you, but I have really bad taste, which is inexcusable. Wanna hang out?”
You know, I can’t explain it, but this painting actually enrages me. Mainly because it sucks and I’m a crankypants. But also because this is what Christians consider “great art.” Throwing anything and everything “symbolic” at a canvas and causing sensory overload to the point of seizure and meaninglessness. The effect on me is the precise opposite of its intended effect, I’m sure. This painting actually means NOTHING to me because it’s trying so hard to mean EVERYTHING. Ugh.
(The culprit/”artist” is John McNaughton.)
Oh, his website — which made me a little dyspeptic — showed this piece in cloying closeup and that document Jesus is holding? It’s the Declaration of Independence.
Let me bullet point my issues here:
~ Again, it’s just bad. It is. Anyone with a modicum of taste will agree. I’m sorry.
~ I’m not saying the dude doesn’t know how to paint. I’m saying the dude doesn’t know how to think or edit himself, which is much worse.
~ You know, it’s basically Thomas Kincaide meets patriotism and I cannot stand Thomas Kincaide although I have no issue with patriotism.
~ But it does meld Jesus with patriotism, which I DO have an issue with.
~ Jewish Jesus is pretty and white.
~ He’s holding The Declaration of Independence, which he wrote as we all know.
~ Lincoln has his arms outstretched worshiping Jesus and/or The Declaration. Although, Abe? You’re turned the wrong way, aren’t you?
~ The dude next to Lincoln — Adams? — appears to be worshiping Lincoln or gesturing to Lincoln. “HE farted. I didn’t do it.”
~ I do enjoy the fellow on the far right next to — Adams? — who seems about to bolt from the canvas. Hahahaha.
~ The little kid gets to touch The Declaration, but not Jesus. “Don’t touch the robe, kid.”
~ I also enjoy that Ben Franklin looks slightly pissy and pouty. “You know, I invented electricity, Jesus, so big whoop on the halo thing around your head.”
~ The weeping justice makes me vomit.
~ Is that Thomas Jefferson or John Hancock to the left of Pretty Jesus there? Is that a rolled-up copy of The Declaration or a baseball bat? Is he about to open a can of whup ass??
~ Is the dude in the lower right-hand corner texting?? Hahahaha.
~ Who’s that woman between Franklin and Jefferson/Hancock? Is she wearing a breastplate? It looks like …. Joan of Arc??? I’m so confused.
~ Is that Reagan next to the Betsy Ross chick? What up, Reagan? He seems a blank to me. Is this Alzheimer’s Reagan then?
~ Why is the blonde reporter in the lower right interviewing the pregnant lady’s hair?
~ Who’s the sobby janitor on the far left?
~ O how I hate this.
~ Although I would totally change my opinion if Waldo were hiding somewhere in there.
Please take a moment this weekend, pippa, to ponder this painting and the rich confusing history it represents.
HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!
(UPDATE: Commenter Brenda put a great link in the comments to the artist’s site. Click on this link and you’ll be able to scroll over all the faces and learn what ALL THE SYMBOLISM is. You must check it out. Lordy.)
Oh, oops. My bad on something. Jesus hold the Constitution. Jefferson, to the left there, holds the Declaration. And here I was hoping it was a baseball bat and someone was about to open a can of whup ass.
My fake foray into Facebook continues apace.
On a related note: I hate myself for it. I do. You probably hate me for it too, just don’t say so to me, ‘mkay? I think there’s something vaguely despicable about it, although I’m undecided if it crosses over into completely despicable territory. Deciding between “vaguely despicable” and “completely despicable” is not high on my To Do list right now.
So I have this vaguely despicable fake identity on FB. All I did was sign up. I’ve done nothing to “my” FB page. Without checking, I don’t even remember what my FB name IS. I know I’ve changed it several times, as if I’m trying to hit on just the right name for a character in a novel. Insanity cannot ever be ruled out with me is what I’m really saying here.
But can I just say this? Consarnit all with the precious Care Bear Christians on FaceBook. I talked about this in a related post here, but I’m now discovering a plethora of Christians –many of whom I know — who do nothing but quote scripture and speak in platitudes on their FB pages, AND IT BUGS ME. I assume these people really want to “touch other people” or something and that’s why they do it. They want to “make a difference” in the lives of others. They’d never talk to a known gay person or drink a beer — God forbid! — but they’d mechanically quote verses on their FB pages in hopes of earning extra Jesus points. They think that people are moved, deeply moved, by the fact that they just “liked” some FB page called “Mommy’s (sic) for Jesus Christ.” (I swear, I’m going to join this damn group just to correct their grammar and spelling. Honestly, mommy’s.)
I’ve seen Christians on FB warn each other: “Don’t drink, just spend time with Jesus!”
And “exhort” each other: “This week’s gonna be a bummer.” “Oh, well, ‘consider it all joy,’ you know.”
And scold each other: “Uh, LANGUAGE ALERT!”
Uhm, precious? Shut up. Seriously. Do you talk this way to one another in person? Do you? I’m all for knowing scripture. I know scripture, but I avoid prancing around in my real life spouting it in people’s faces. Mainly because I’m too busy prancing around naked. (Just seeing if you’re listening.) Look. I am not the vicar. Or the vicar’s wife. So I keep my vicary thoughts to myself. Or use them as sex talk. (You’re listening, right?) And, Crackie, if you don’t randomly spout scripture in person, why are you doing so on FB? And if you truly are an inspirational coffee mug in person? Well, that explains your presence on FB, I guess. It’s the only place that will have you. It’s funny. I find that MB and I don’t generally quote scripture or talk in bumper stickers to each other in our daily life.
How would that play out anyway?
HE: Babe, I had a horrible day.
ME: Bummer. Well, ‘delight yourself in the Lord,’ peaches.
*****
ME: I look hideous.
HE: Yeah, well, ‘Jesus wept,” you know.
*****
HE: I’m really worried about X.
ME: Yeah, hon? Remember ‘life is fragile, handle with prayer,’ ‘mkay?
KAPOW, KAPOW, KAPOW!
All right, Facebook Christians. Enough already with being an amateur preacher or a walking bumper sticker. Be a real person. Say real things. Say honest things. Say faith is hard because it is. Say faith takes courage because it does. Say sometimes you’re just disappointed with God. Say sometimes he pisses you off. Say sometimes you don’t understand anything anymore. Say sometimes you wonder if it’s worth it. Say sometimes you want to chuck it all and walk away. Because as far as I’m concerned, if you’ve never come to those places in your faith, you haven’t thought that much about your faith. You haven’t really turned it over and over and over in your mind. You haven’t thought about deep things; you think only what you are told to think. You haven’t really held your faith to the fire for fear that it will burn to ash. Bottom line, you really don’t have much faith in your Faith. So you live on autopilot and quote what you’ve learned but have never considered and tell people about rules but not about grace and you share a scripture but don’t know its context and you’re fake fake fake.
Enough.
Sometimes, it really pains me to realize that I am on Team Christian and that Christians are the Chargers. The Padres! The Seahawks! The Lions!
Don’t believe me? Here are some actual recent FB postings from the people on my team. MY team!
“The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.” Numbers 6:24-26
Okay. Uh, great. Thank you for the benediction. Do you have anything else to say?
I am so thankful for the love of God. I’m excited to worship with my brothers and sisters tomorrow.
Well, mazeltov. You obviously didn’t go to Not On Your Life Cult, er, Church.
Here’s a thought: “Honor one another above yourselves.” Romans 12:10
Here’s a thought: How ’bout an original thought?
You know, I’m starting to wonder if I’m too much of a crankypants to be a Christian. Does Jesus love the crankypants among us? Maybe I just don’t have the proper team spirit. Maybe I need to get on board here. Be more of a bumper sticker. Be more Quotey McBiblepants. I hate being the outsider. Just jump on the Precious Moments Bandwagon, Trace. I mean, I want to touch people’s lives. I want to make a difference. I want to be inspirational.
So, okay. Here’s my verse to touch your heart today:
But Onan knew that the offspring would not be his; so whenever he lay with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from producing offspring for his brother. Genesis 38:9
Have a shiny Jesus face day, pippa.
Hey, pippa.
I have two immediate family members with serious health issues. These do not involve me or MB. One has stabilized for now. One has just been discovered and is potentially life-threatening; we don’t know yet. I don’t want to go into details and I won’t be talking about this regularly on the blog, but I would like to ask you dear people to please pray.
I’m saying thanks in advance because I know you guys will pray.
So thanks.
I do promise this will NOT become the “serious health issue” blog because … well, ew.
I mean, I don’t want this to become “A Very Special Episode of Beyond the Pale” every cottonpickin’ day — because again with the ew.
I love this guy so much.
He brings me joy.
Prepare yourselves to gorge on photos. Elder Nephew graduated high school this week and Tee Tee just got an email full ‘o’ pictures!
Killer smile, kid. I don’t think you should be allowed to inflict this on those helpless college girls. It’s unfair.
My favorite. Can I still smush them?
Elder and Younger Nephew.
Sob.
Younger Nephew is required to show me his abs whenever I see him.
I wonder at what point that becomes creepy.
