Month: October 2007

A mental note I made last week: I saw my first commercial of the Christmas season on October 9th.

Can anyone beat that?

Okay. So we got this wedding invitation today. Inside, it was crammed with all kinds of extra slips of paper. Directions. RSVP. Lodging Options. Dining Options. It was like getting one of those mailers stuffed with coupons — but without the hope of any big savings on car washes or dry cleaning, consarnit all. The Dining Options slip offered a choice between New York steak, fresh salmon, or goat cheese ravioli — isn’t that nice? — and had this little blurb from the bride and groom across the top:

We’ll surprise you with the appetizers and dessert, but we figure the entree is a little too personal to leave up to 2 silly 22-year-olds to decide.

Uhm, but let’s decide to get MARRIED!!

(And, really, for me, the dessert is MUCH more personal. Sillies.)

For Sweeney Todd.

“IIIIIIIIIIII ….. am Adolpho Pirelli, da king of da barbers, da barber of kings, a buon giorno, good day! I blow you a keeess!” *smack*

Sasha Baron Cohen as Pirelli

“All right, you sir! How about a shave? Come and visit your good friend Sweeney!”

Johnny Depp as You-Know-Who

“I’ll warm me bones on the esplanade, have tea and scones with me gay young blade …” Sure ya will, hon.

Johnny Depp and Helena BoneHam Carter

“Oh, what a beautiful morrrrrrrnin’, oh, what a beauutiful daaaaay!” What? Is that wrong?

Helena BoneHam Carter

Still. Can’t. WAIT.

“It’s like art imitating life imitating art; that’s what makes it so real” Billy Ray Cyrus commenting on the Hannah Montana phenomenon.

“And, well, my fiance — he passed away.”

“Well, didn’t he DROWN??”

“Uhm, yes.”

“Well, did you try to hold on to him??”

“Well, we tried to hold on to each other, but after a while it just wasn’t possible.” Exchange between tsunami survivor/supermodel Petra Nemcova and that master of the social arts, Martha Stewart.

Yup. Thaaat’s right. I watch “Dancing with the Stars.” And I’m in love with that little race car driver Helio Castroneves, with his crazy alchemy of goofy tooth and dimples and featherfooted grace. He’s just champagne bubbles and charm and if you don’t get all giddy watching him, I’m afraid I must gently suggest: You are totally messed up.

Then there’s Marie Osmond. And I’m kinda loving her right now, too, what with her sauciness and wisecracks and performer’s spirit. She’s had 8 kids, for Lord’s sake, and her body shows it a bit, but she pulls out a great performance every week. She’s confident in her strengths as a performer and knows how to work ’em. Good for you, Marie! This week, for the Viennese Waltz, her partner sent her to some little kid ballet classes to work on her carriage. Marie said later, “All these little girls kept coming up to me in class saying, ‘You need to work on your core,’ and I said, ‘Yeah, who asked you??'”

Hahahahahaha. I loved her for that. Go, Marie!!

It’s black and Korean and beautiful.

Congratulations to Sheila, on her new Hyundai Accent!!!

And, you know, when your friend has a new baby, well, you wanna help her out, make sure she’s stocked up with stuff she needs, right? So to that end — and just to celebrate the new addition to her family — I madly cyber-shopped and found a few little items for Sheila, the new car-mom.

So here we go:

Because nothing says, “Hey, my car don’t stink” like those classic de-stenchifying pine trees. I mean, what if she goes clamming and gets all exhausted and throws the clam bucket all willy-nilly into the back seat of her new black Korean baby? Shiver me nostrils! Piney to the rescue! They have new smells now, too, like lavender, vanilla, lemon blossom, anti-clam, etc. NEAT!!

Because nothing says relaxation like hard wooden nuggets smushing into your tired tender back muscles. Guantanamo approved! Oh, and the beads stuff nicely into the mouths of any of your more youthful passengers — the perfect plug for that looming tantrum. NEAT!!

Because nothing says “I am a diehard, but classy, fan” like giant fuzzy MLB dice. hanging from your brand-new rearview. NEAT!!

Because nothing says, “I would never upset Tracey and go to Starbucks” like a nifty, non-Starbucks travel mug. They come in assorted colors — Passion and Seaglass and Midnight, to name just a few — and there are things like science and thermodynamics and patents involved! A mug for everyone that no one understands! NEAT!!

And, finally, nothing says, “Make voyages! Attempt them! There’s nothing else …” like your own, custom-made bumper sticker that says, uhhmm, “Make voyages! Attempt them! There’s nothing else …” NEAT!!

SO CONGRATULATIONS AGAIN, SHEILA!!

And DRIVE, BABY, DRIVE!!

We are discussing the resurgence of leggings.

HE: I think there should be arm leggings.
ME: Arm leggings?
HE: Yes.
ME: You realize what you just said?
HE: Yes. Arm leggings. They’d be like knit sweater arms you could wear with t-shirts. You know, arm-ings.
ME: How do you spell leggings?
HE: With two g’s in the middle.
ME: Okay. How do you spell arm-ings?
HE: With one m?
ME: No.
HE: With two m’s?
ME: No.
HE: With 3 m’s??

And this was my problem with the invention, the spelling.