Category: sports

…. there are two exceptions to my newfound fair-weather fanniness:

~ I will never root for the Patriots.

~ I will never, ever root for the Oakland Raiders. You can’t be a native San Diegan — as I am — and ever root for the evil blackhearted Raiders. Too much history. Too much bad blood. And I’ve seen firsthand how incredibly rude and aggressive their fans are whenever they come to town. That doesn’t fly in SD. We’re just not like that here. If I know the Raiders are coming to town, I hunker down. Literally. Don’t go outside. Oakland Raider fans are acting like wankers and pillaging our city. They’re rude and menacing and large groups of them always end up causing hubbubs, getting arrested, being featured prominently on the local evening news. Every single time. Not my kind of team. Not my kind of people. It’s a game. Let’s not assault people, ‘mkay?

It’s hard to be a Chargers fan. They’re the perennial underdogs. Even when they supposedly have a great team — like this year, last year, other years — they’re still underdogs somehow. We don’t get no respect. We don’t get no superlatives or hyperboles. We get “Oh, the Chargers.” And just because I’m whining doesn’t mean it’s not true, you know.

So we’re playing the Dolphins right now, who were, oh, something like 1-15 last year. I mean, they were truly truly sad. We, on the other hand, had the potential to go to the Super Bowl. Didn’t happen — it was a heartbreaker — but the potential was there. And right now, these Dolphins are kicking our taut little football bottoms. I just can’t take the heartbreak anymore. I mean, I think my aorta actually hurts. So to solve this looming coronary crisis, I’ve decided to be a fair-weather fan. It will work like this: Basically, I will root for whoever the winner turns out to be. If we win this game, I rooted for us. If Miami wins, I rooted for them. We won’t know who I rooted for until the game is over. So it’s proactively retroactive. It’s also disloyal, flaky, dubious, and shameful.

You know, all those ingredients that make up the spicy bouillabaisse that is me.

So, uhm …. GO TEAMS!!!

Forgotten who he is already, have you? Well, read this then.

Somebody please throw buckets of money at this guy, pronto.

One of my many Olympic crushes, you know.

(And, apparently, if we all pooled our money, we could host an event and make him swim for us. Uhm, wha???)

(On the other hand, I kinda want to do that now.)

(Yeah, so? Look. I’m the one who wants to put the beefy peach in a Lincoln Log Cabin and watch her cavort about. You think this is beneath me??)

~ So it looks like China blew its wad on the opening ceremonies.

~ Check out the drummers in the bike helmets. Stealing supplies from the athletes’ lockers, I see. Tsk, tsk.

~ Yeah, you know, I saw all this in one of the Oz movies, that freaky one with Fairuza Balk.

~ I wonder if there will be more goose-stepping by the Chinese military. I do prefer my Olympic experiences to be bookended by displays of large-scale ominous imperialism.

~ You know, that Bird’s Nest stadium is dammmn ugly. It has to be said. I think The Hair Ball would have been a better name and I think it should be demolished now that the games are over, just for me. Unless they need it as the site for future persecution of Chinese Christians and athletes who failed to win gold.

~ I’m a little grumpy right now.

~ Gah. Are they kidding? The Chinese government spent $40 BILLION on these Olympics??? Holy moly! You would think they wouldn’t have to steal equipment from the lockers, then.

~ There’s my pet, the beefy peach!! She’s only 4-8, you know. She’ll fit great in her new Lincoln Log Cabin for Pocket Pets and Olympic Gymnasts!

~ Oh, look. A choir of telegenic kiddies singing — er, lip-syncing — the Olympic anthem.

~ Attention, Mayor of London: Please button your jacket. Just because you’re the love child of Rodney Dangerfield and Phil Donahue doesn’t mean you have to look like a schlub.

~ Now the President of the IOC, the mayor of London, and the mayor of Beijing take awkward turns waving the Olympic flag. It is entirely gay.

~ Did I mention I’m a little grumpy right now?

~ Here comes a double-decker bus that says “London 2012.” A bunch of actors dressed in London street clothes lumber like zombies towards the bus. I do prefer my Olympic closing ceremonies to feature zombies whenever possible, as long as they are international zombies.

~ What are “London street clothes,” Trace?

~ Shut up, me.

~ The bus just unfolded — uhm, I guess — and British pop star Leona Lewis appears. She starts vocalizing. Seriously. It sounds like scales. Sort of.

~ Oh, here’s Jimmy Page. Wow. Isn’t he dead??

~ They perform together, I guess is what you’d call it. I don’t actually know what I’d call it.

~ I’m uncomfortable.

~ David Beckham randomly appears.

~ Some actors pretending to be athletes pretending to say goodbye to their pretend Chinese friends. They climb an airplane stairway to nowhere and stand there. Don’t fall, goobers.

~ One actor/athlete unrolls a scroll …. there is a pause. Oh, dear GOD! The 7 years of tribulation have begun!!!!

~ Not really.

~ Again, I cannot stress enough that I am kidding here.

~ That didn’t really happen.

~ Two dudes painted white dance together atop some metal thingie. I’d prefer they do this in the privacy of their own home, but hey, I’m a gammie that way.

~ Back to scroll boy. He looks at the scroll, then gazes longingly at the Olympic flame. So I guess I’m supposed to, too.

~ Oh, the flame goes out.

~ People in the audience boo, basically.

~ Ingrates.

~ That was $40 billion, pippa. Shut yer yaps.

~ People dressed in mylar undulate on the aforementioned metal thingie.

~ Now they’re all lumped together, moving. Making flowers or babies or something.

~ Symbolism is irritating.

~ I’m grumpy. Have we covered that?

~ There’s a lot of bug-like crawling. Furious activity. Dragging of long red-orange cloths. Oh, I see. They come together and make the Olympic flame. Or a fire poker. But probably the Olympic flame.

~ It lives on. Get it?

~ Oh, dear. Chinese pop stars. Oh, dear. It’s giving me flashbacks to my flight to Thailand on Korean Air where all they kept playing was the caterwauling of some Korean Rosie O’Donnell lookalike who is a huge pop star in their country.

~ There was a commercial and now they’re back and the Chinese pop stars are still singing. It is god-awful. You know it’s true, God. Don’t get all mad at me.

~ Jackie Chan is singing. It IS the Apocalypse.

~ Chinese disco and fireworks and The Beast rising from the sea.

~ Ooh! Hold the Apocalypse! It’s my Olympic crush, Michael Phelps, from London. Thank you, Jesus. No bathing suit, though; a shirt and pants. Oh, well. If he can win 8 gold medals, I imagine I can cope with his clothes-wearing. He wants to pinch himself, he says. Oh, lemme help you with that, Peaches.

~ Placido Domingo now to cleanse the musical palate. Chinese girls twirl around in white gowns like Greek goddesses.

~ And …. it’s all over. I’m still grumpy. But now, believe it or not, kind of sad, too.

~ Farewell, Olympics 2008. You were truly spectacular.

You know, just sittin’ around with my Olympic thoughts. My deep and wide Olympic thoughts.

~ Quite honestly, I do have some Olympic fatigue. Just being real, you know? Once track and field started and the athletes seemed to be competing to see who could be the biggest asshat more than anything else, my interest dropped precipitously.

~ Although, right now, boxing — BOXING! — is on. And I don’t even like boxing unless Rocky Balboa is involved.

~ On the other hand, I am in love with this Thai boxer’s last name: Boomjumnong. I keep saying it out loud. “BoomJUMnong. BoomJUMnong. BoomJUMnong.” MB doesn’t say anything. I can read his mind, though. And it’s not good. You know, “how much longer do we have to live, blah blah, white man’s burden, sigh, etc.”

~ In a President Tracey administration, athletes would have to prove they know the National Anthem as part of the qualifying process for any US Olympic team.

~ Because don’t you sometimes think that that’s why they’re not singing along?

~ Because they don’t actually know the words to the anthem?

~ Wait! This just in: The US Women’s Basketball team DOES know our national anthem! Lisa Leslie is singing her GUTS out! I love that. I want to kiss her now please. Adorable and heartwarming.

~ Or am I just a gammie and a jingo? Gammie Jingo? “There was a gammie had a name and Jingo was her name-o!”

~ I loved that song in school. Remember? “J-I-N-G-O”? Cool song. Really fun. And educational, with the spelling and all.

~ Uhm, has anyone looked at the words to some of the other countries’ anthems?

~ I mean, Good LORD.

~ Here’s China’s, for instance. It’s called March of the Volunteers, as in “Okay. Raise your hand if you want to help us build a 4,000-mile-long wall”:

Arise! All who refuse to be slaves!
Let our flesh and blood become our new Great Wall!
As the Chinese nation faces its greatest peril,
All forcefully expend their last cries.
Arise! Arise! Arise!
Our million hearts beat as one,
Brave the enemy’s fire, March on!
Brave the enemy’s fire, March on!
March on! March on! On!

~ Whatevs, China.

~ Okay. I’m crying with laughter right now. This British dude — James DeGale — just won gold over his Cuban competitor in the middleweight boxing match. I guess there was some controversy surrounding a possible biting by the Cuban boxer. They show a replay. Looks like a possible bite or hickey to me. I guess you can give someone a hickey in real life, but not in boxing. Okay. Good to know. So there are TONS of Cubans in the audience and the British dude is loudly booed during the medal ceremony. The commentator pulls him aside, congratulates him, and asks him what happened. The dude says, in a thick Cockney accent, “Listen, the geezer bit me! It was completely mad! The geezer bit me! I mean, I’m Olympic champion, but that was MAD!”

“What do you think about being booed?”

“Well, there’s Cubans everywhere in ‘ere. Wot am I supposed to do?”

“So do you think people will call you chubby or chunky anymore?”

“I don’t bloody care! I just won the Olympics!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Hurrah for crazy Cockney dude!

~ Uhm, so synchronized swimming. The US team looks great, although I have to say the whole waterproof turquoise eye shadow they’re all sporting is very Strictly Ballroom. Hellooo, Tina Spaahkle.

~ And the caps always make me think of the Mennonites.

“Ve are a plain people. Ve don’t like de modern world. But to earn de mad money, ve make swim caps for de US Synchro Swim team. Praise de Lord. Amen.”

~ Also, has anyone seen Shannon Miller’s Claritin commercial? Yikes! She’s been Jennifer Grey-ed! And, somewhere, the rest of her nose is corking a nice cabernet. Lordy. I’m glad you’re all “Claritin clear” now, Shannon, but seems like chopping your nose off would really help with the allergies, too.

~ So. Yeah.

~ Bela Karolyi wrote this post.

~ Just FYI.

Wow. Bob Costas is now reporting that the IOC is finally investigating the ages of some of the members of China’s Women’s Gymnastics team. There are definite discrepancies in the records of 3 of their gymnasts. If they are proven to be under 16 years of age, their team would end up with only 2 individual bronzes; Nastia would get that gold on uneven bars that she was edged out for; and the U.S. team would go from silver to gold.

Wow. WOW. But we all knew something funny was going on, right?

Muy interesante, chicas y chicos, no?

Also, two other Olympic crushes, Todd Roger and Phil Dalhausser, just won gold in beach volleyball! Men and women’s teams BOTH get gold!! WOO HOOO!!

Bob Costas just said, “Soo …. the US track and field team just laid a big fat egg over at The Bird’s Nest.”

It was just the way he enunciated “Bbbig Fffat Eggg” that got me.

Yeah, about that. Both men’s and women’s relay teams dropped their batons and didn’t qualify for the finals.

Jamaica is heavily favored in both.

My precious beefy peach has finally won her much-deserved gold! She just nailed the heck out of that balance beam routine whilst I watched and wet my pants and ruined our sofa.

But who cares??

The beefy peach is a gleaming golden peach!!

HOORAY, HOORAY, HOORAY!!

I am bawling. So so wonderful.

Some elfin-looking gymnast from Uzbekistan just won that country’s first Olympic medal ever: bronze in Men’s Parallel Bars.

Good for you, little dude!

Now get back to that tree and make me up some cookies, Keeblerooni.

Well, hm. Nastia’s mom must have read my post — yes, I’m sure that’s it — because she’s there, in the gym, watching her daughter.

Well, there you go, mom. Good choice. However the family worked it out, good choice, I think. How can anyone regret that ultimately? It’s the freakin’ Olympics, pippa.

But again, more judging weirdness here. Nastia got the same score as a Chinese gymnast. Their scores were the highest, so you think, “Oh, tied for first place, right?” Nope. There’s some kind of incomprehensible tie-breaker deal here that has just put Nastia in second place. The commentators can’t even make sense of it. Poor Nastia. She just looks sick. Now, it’s just a matter of watching all the girls after her perform, waiting to see if anyone overtakes her — er, them. Apparently, years ago, when Nastia’s dad tied for a gold at the Olympics, he and the other athlete shared gold, but they don’t do that anymore. So bizarre. Just listening to the commentators talk about it — they are confused themselves.

All right. Lots of standing around, judges’ huddles, waiting, blah blah.

Nastia gets the silver.

Okay. From what I can understand, there can be no judges on the panel representing any of the competing countries. That potentially creates situations where you can have much less experienced judges scoring the athletes. Apparently, the judge from Australia, gave Nastia a large deduction for a minor error and the Chinese girl a rather minor deduction for a much larger error. The commentators are really pounding that point home. I take their word for it. I’m just your embedded reporter here, not a gymnastics analyst. To me, both girls made what looked to be minor errors. I just don’t have the knowledge to know how different errors should be judged. To my eye, Nastia’s looked, ultimately, more refined. So. When they line the judges’ scores up — in the tie here — throw out the high and low, they are still tied. So the next lowest score of each athlete was thrown out — and Nastia’s next lowest was lower than the Chinese girl’s. Tim Daggett, gymnastics commentator, is adamant about Nastia’s routine being better and that the Australia judge just didn’t judge it correctly or didn’t have the knowledge to even do so.

Here’s what My Manic Boyfriend, Bela, had to say:

DIS NEW SCORING CREATE A MURKY SITUATION. NOBUDY UNNERSTAN DUH SCORING ANYMORE. PEOPLE AT HOME DON’T UNNDERSTAN. AND VHAT ISS HAPPENING ON DUH FLOOR? IT’S RIDICULOUS. GYMNASTICS ARE REFUSING TO GIVE OUT TWO GOLDS, TWO SILVERS, OR SOMETHING?? THEY ARE DE SAME SCORE!!

Someone help me. My head hurts and I’m going to bed. And, seriously, if I dream about math tonight, I’m gonna smash some skulls in the morning.

I DON’T UNNERSTAN!