3 days ’til “judgment day”

So this partially mummified old fart, Harold Camping, founder of “Family Radio,” is predicting on his radio show that the rapture of Christians will occur on May 21, 2011 at 6 p.m. your time and the end of the world entirely for all the heathens will be on October 21, 2011 without a specific o’clock stated, sorry, heathens. I know that makes it tough to plan your BBQs.

I’ve seen several of these billboards in SD, one just a couple of blocks away from our place. My favorite part is “The Bible Guarantees It!” I won’t even get into the myriad ways his theology is wrong, partly because it’s so convoluted and partly because I don’t wanna and mostly because I’m lazy, but suffice it to say his theology is wrong in myriad ways. As far as that moment — that, yes, I do believe in — the rapture, the Bible says no one knows the day or the hour. Except (asterisk) Harold Camping. And judgment day and the rapture are not synonymous events, wiener.

You know, if I were God up in my heaven and if I had penciled in the rapture for May 21, 2011, 6 p.m. your time, I’d definitely be erasing that NOW — just to mess with that dessicated old Harold Camping. Can you imagine how insufferable that dude would be in heaven if he’s right? For all eternity, he’d be prancing around and crowing, “Yeah, that rapture thing? I predicted it. I was right. Oh, hey! Did I mention I was right about that rapture thing? Here’s a sticker I made as a reminder. Let me just put it on your shirt there, okay, brother?”

Bear in mind, he previously predicted the rapture would occur on September 6, 1994, and when that didn’t happen, he claimed he’d “miscalculated.” Seventeen years later, now that he’s nearing 90, he’s claimed his calculations are better, more accurate, because as we all know, people’s mind do get sharper with age.

Still, as a favor to you, I did some research to find out what country gets each new day first. Since Camping says the rapture will occur at 6 p.m. your time — more like a progressive dinner than a sudden simultaneous disappearance of millions of people but look at me being all nitpicky — I thought this would be useful information for you to have for Saturday. Now the island nation of Kiribati greets each new day first, but the first “major” country to start the day is New Zealand. (Sorry, Kiribati. Please don’t leave me an offended comment. I’d just never heard of you until researching this, okay?) The US is really one of the last places to start the day, lazy butts, so you have plenty of time to monitor the news this Saturday for a slow and steady and increasingly anticlimactic disappearance of millions, maybe billions, of people around the world.

If you’re hearing of this on Saturday, pippa, do not panic, okay? You have plenty of time to hit your knees and make it right with the Lord before the rapture slowly and irritatingly sweeps your way.

Now, if you do get left behind, ya heathens, according to Camping, there’s no hope for you. You’re doomed. But the upside is you only have those 5 months until the end of the whole world on October 21 anyway, so you may as well enjoy your pre-doom life. Drink too much. Eat too much. Fornicate too much. Kill people too much. Whatever. You’re doomed. So get it all out of your system since you won’t have a system after October 21 out of which to get anything. (Hey, the world may be ending but that’s no reason to end a sentence with a preposition.)

Now, my dad, who is the “Strongly Worded Letter Champion of the World,” wrote to this Camping fellow. A few times. (Ahem, Dad. Thanks for the crankypants. Good Lord, am I my dad’s daughter or what?)

Here are my dad’s questions for Mr. Camping:

1. Do you know how much money is needed each day to keep Family Radio on the air?
2. If so, will you notify your listeners when you have enough money on hand to continue your programming only until 5-21-11?
3. If you do not notify your contributors of such time and accept more contributions than are needed, would this constitute a lack of faith or fraud?
4. Have you given the contractually required lease termination notices to all of your landlords that you plan to vacate the premises on 5-21-11? If not, why not?
5. Have you made plans for the disposition of Family Radio assets after 5-21-11? If so, to whom are you leaving those assets? If you haven’t made plans, does that evidence a lack of faith or a lack or caring?
6. I am a good person, but by your criteria I will be “Left Behind” so will you consider leaving said assets to me? I will use these assets wisely in the carrying out the “Great Commission.”

The first letter went unanswered. So Dad, undaunted, sent a followup letter:

1. If you truly believe May 21 is “Judgment Day” why are you spending precious air time with a program telling people how to lose weight?
2.Will the Rapture take only the physically fit?
3. On “Open Forum” why are you taking any questions other than those pertaining to how to get ready for “Judgment Day?”
4. If we cram in a little bit more Bible knowledge will that get us a better heavenly seat?

Dad is in NO MOOD right now for dumb ass Christians. (Although he would never use that phrase.) Neither am I.

But there you have it, Christians, heathens, et al.

I’ve selflessly given you everything you need to know regarding the progressive dinner/rapture taking place this Saturday, 6 p.m. your time.

Be good little Boy Scouts now.

BE PREPARED.

(You can monitor this all on Family Radio in your area, ‘kay? I’m looking forward to his May 22nd broadcast. I’m dead serious.)