We are driving past two dudes running together. Generally, dudes in our neighborhood don’t run together unless they’re, uhm, really together. I notice their calves because I always notice calves because MB has the best calves I’ve ever seen in my life.
ME: They both have pretty nice calves. Not as nice as yours, though.
HE: Well, being gay gives you lots of time to work out.
ME: So you’re saying it’s a time saver?
HE: Yeah. “I was really pressed for time so I decided to become gay.”
“You have to look at Outing Person like Old Yeller at the end of the movie. He was good for a time and then … he got the rabies and it was over for Old Yeller. He just wasn’t any good for anyone. And his best friend had to shoot him in the head.”
Hahahahahahahaha.
He speaks my language, that man.
Last night, MB and I were reliving days of yore. You know, the Perky Bob lunch dilemma of five months ago. We were applauding ourselves for our choices, telling ourselves how smart we were, etc. The basic stuff that glues a marriage together. At one point, he said, “Well, it’s like we all learned from Oprah: NEVER let yourself be taken to the second location.”
The man is a sage.
ME: Oh, please. Don’t sit there all, “Ooh. Her thoughts. They sicken.”
**********
(After listening to me in the throes of another near-death coughing jag)
HE: Take that, wellness!
**********
HE: Why is your See’s sucker stuck in my meatball?
ME: Because I wasn’t done with it. It keeps it upright.
HE: That actually ….. makes sense.
ME: I know.
ME: He’s like the Cheetos leopard or something.
HE: Uhm, do you mean the Cheetos cheetah?
ME: No. No. I stand by what I said.
*****
ME: It bothers me that when I try to smother you with the pillow, you play dead better than I do.
HE: I’m ….. sorry?
ME: Well, good.
*****
Old family snippet that my dad never stops mentioning. A summer evening at the dinner table ….. yeeeeears ago …..
DAD: So, who will go work in the garden with me?
(dead silence from his three children)
11-YEAR-OLD ME: God will go with you, my son.
HE: He was probably all ‘She’s not godly enough for me to have an affair with.’
ME: Hahaha, true.
ME (reading “menu” of scary movies from brother’s TV screen): What is Blair Witch “Pro”?
BROTHER: Uh, Tray, that’s the Blair Witch Project.
ME: Oh. Hahahahahaha. “Hey, Tray. What are you dressed as for Halloween?” “Uhm, a dumb blonde.”
BROTHER: Hahahahahahaha.
ME: Kill me.
**********
ME: Oh, I just opened the door because I thought you’d like it.
HE: I just closed the door because I thought you’d like it.
ME and HE (simultaneously): The Gift of the Magi! The Gift of the Magi!!
**********
SISTER-IN-LAW (while “Thriller” plays in the background): When I first started watching music videos, they all bummed me out. They were never what I pictured in my head. I mean, I thought every last one of them was going to be some romantic moment between married people.
ME: Hahahahahaha. So you thought “Thriller” would be this romantic moment between married people?
SIL: Yeah. Disappointing.
And we burst out laughing.
HE: (irritated) He acted like the ultimate goal in communication would be to GET to “Hey.” Yeah. If I ever see his ass in heaven, I’m gonna be all, “Hey.”
I love that man.
ME: Look, I NEED my crack cracked, Crackie!!
**********
ME: (seeing a manly woman on the street and singing) Mustache Susie, Mustache Sam ….
**********
HE: (singing to me from Camelot in a Ralph Wiggum voice) I wouldn’t ever leeeeeave you …… especially in the autumnnnn!
ME: Uhm, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
**********
HE: It’s so cool. I sit up there in my lair, looking out on the world like so much gargoyle.
~ I’m thinking of doing like a very dark urban tale of dystopian woe.
~ So now I’m thinking of zombie love stories.
~ Oooh, that could definitely have a sex cabal. A zombie sex cabal!
~ Although, issue: Are zombies inherently unsexy? We must discuss.
~ Wouldn’t it be funny to have a company that employs zombies ? You’d have zombie bill collectors, zombie salesmen, zombie gas traders. The company has the lease on the lives of these zombies for 780 years. Companies are very powerful. Extremely. They do not have to pay zombies as much as normals, so their operating costs are minimal. Plus, zombies work 24/7/365. One lowly zombie discovers that some special zombies have been working on nanobots that will restore life. So they’ll still live forever, but as normals. This zombie (Darryl? Bob? Joe?) thinks he can steal the tech but he has to zombie-nap another scientist because, obvy, he doesn’t know how to use it himself.
And then…
Something happens. I’m not sure what. This is as far as I’ve gotten. I need liquor.
~ You could have a whole scene where the zombie workers sit around and order lunch take-out. But, of course, they only eat brains. It takes them all day to order take-out brains from, oh, Luigi’s Braineria. Because they don’t have people skills, obviously.
“Luigi’s Braineria, what can I get you?”
“Errrrwaahhhbaalggaaa.”
“What’s that, pal? Try again.”
“Gaaalbbaaaakabbballaaaaagggah.”‘
Uhm, basically, the scene goes nowhere and that’s the beauty of it.
~ Oh, and Luigi’s Brainera is ALWAYS hiring because lunch IS the delivery boy. This could be a recurring bit in your book.
~ You know, I’m not even drunk. These are SOBER ideas.
~ MB says the name of this book is The Brain Trust.
~ My Zombie Manicurist is the sequel.
~ The zombies just tap into the victim’s brain with an umbrella straw, like a pina colada or something.
~ They give smouldering, sexy looks to other zombies across the room while sipping on their brainycolada.
~ Brainycolada. Hahahahahahaha.
And you know, zombies are slow and pasty and such, but if anyone suspects, you can just say, “Oh, he’s from IT.”
~ “Oh wait, this woman’s not goth! She’s DEAD!”
~ How about dwarves? Or gnomes? There aren’t enough books about gnomes. A gnome thriller. A gnome sex cabal.
~ Which is less sexy? A zombie or a gnome? This is important stuff.
~ It is impossible to make zombies sexy. Would YOU want to be kissed by a guy with brain breath????
~ But at least they have initiative. What do gnomes ever DO??
~ Hang out in gardens. That’s all I know.
I think a zombie who has erectile dysfunction would be fun. And a gnome who – as far as I know – does not have any sex organs. It is a love that will never be.
~ How come no one has yard zombies? There are yard gnomes. I don’t think this is fair to the zombs.
~ I think we need to start this trend. Yard zombies! I love it! Oh don’t mind that zombie, that’s Harold, a lawn zomb.
Cross-posted here. But I edited. Because I’m a little hypocrite. Please leave me alone in my self-loathing.
