attention, smokers: calm thyselves

A couple days ago, this:

MAN (kinda barging into Boheme, demanding): Do you have any matches?

ME: Uh, no.

MAN: A lighter or something?

ME: Sorry. No.

MAN (exasperated sigh): Jeez, how do you even advertise, then??

ME: Well, I just dangle coffee cups from my bo*obs, go outside, and shake ’em around.

(You thought I really said that, didn’t you? And now you’re disappointed to find out I actually didn’t, right? Yeah, well … me too.)

Now today, different dude:

MAN (same bargy vibe as other guy): Do you have any matches?

ME: Uh, no.

MAN: Matchbook?

ME: No, sorry.

MAN: A LIGHTER??

ME: No, I’m sorry. I don’t smoke.

(pause)

MAN (pawing frantically at his arm): Well, this patch is NOT WORKING. NOT WORKING!

He storms out. Moments later, I see him out in front, hands shaking, smoking a cigarette.

random grace notes

“I know nothing, except what everyone knows — if there when Grace dances, I should dance.”
W.H. Auden

“O momentary grace of mortal men,
Which we more hunt for than the grace of God.”
Shakespeare, Richard III

“I do not at all understand the mystery of grace – only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us.”
Anne Lamott

“Grace has to be drunk straight: no water, no ice, and certainly no ginger ale; neither goodness, nor badness, nor the flowers that bloom in the spring of super spirituality could be allowed to enter into the case.”
Robert Capon

“The sweet sound of amazing grace saves us from the necessity of self-deception.”
Brennan Manning

“Grace substitutes a full, childlike and delighted acceptance of our need, a joy in total dependence. The good man is sorry for the sins which have increased his need. He is not entirely sorry for the fresh need they have produced.”
C.S. Lewis

“PACO MEET ME AT HOTEL MONTANA NOON TUESDAY ALL IS FORGIVEN PAPA.”
Ernest Hemingway

“There is only one real law — the law of the universe. It may be fulfilled either by way of judgment or by the way of grace, but it must be fulfilled one way or the other.”
Dorothy Sayers

“He who cannot forgive another breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself.”
George Herbert

“In the deserts of the heart
Let the healing fountain start,
In the prison of his days
Teach the free man how to praise.”
W.H. Auden

“Man is born broken. He lives by mending. The grace of God is glue.”
Eugene O’Neill

“What the world needs, I am ashamed to say, is Christian love.”
Bertrand Russell, author of Why I Am Not A Christian

“The beginning of good is perceived in the midst of bad … The simplicity and comprehensiveness of grace — who shall measure it?
Karl Barth

“In life as in dance: Grace glides on blistered feet”
Alice Abrams

“I stand by the bed where a young woman lies, her face postoperative, her mouth twisted in palsy, clownish. A tiny twig of the facial nerve, the one to the muscles of her mouth, has been severed. She will be thus from now on. The surgeon had followed with religious fervor the curve of her flesh; I promise you that. Nevertheless, to remove the tumor in her cheek, I had to cut the little nerve.

“Her young husband is in the room. He stands on the opposite side of the bed and together they seem to dwell in the evening lamplight, isolated from me, private. Who are they, I ask myself, he and this wry mouth I have made, who gaze at and touch each other so generously, greedily? The young woman speaks.

‘Will my mouth always be like this?’ she asks.

‘Yes,’ I say, ‘it will. It is because the nerve was cut.’

She nods and is silent. But the young man smiles.

‘I like it,’ he says. ‘It is kind of cute.’

“All at once I know who he is. I understand and I lower my gaze. One is not bold in an encounter with a god. Unmindful, he bends to kiss her crooked mouth and I am so close I can see how he twists his own lips to accommodate to hers, to show her that their kiss still works.”

Richard Selzer, M.D., Mortal Lessons

summer reading challenge

Got it from Sheila. Who got it here:

The Summer Reading Challenge, running June 1 to August 1, 2007.

So here’s my (very modest for now) list:

1) Grace Eventually, Anne Lamott

2) Seven Gothic Tales, Isak Dinesen

3) Out of Africa, Isak Dinesen

4) Manhunt, The 12-Day Chase for Lincoln’s Killer, James Swanson

5) Being Logical: A Guide to Good Thinking, D.Q. McInerny (Hahahahaha! I’m laughing so you don’t have to. Really. Shut up. You don’t have to.)

6) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, J.K. Rowling (Natch!)

Oh, also: Subject to addition, subtraction, alteration, and complete abandonment.

rock ‘n’ roll, baby!! pt. 1

Woke up this morning 4:45 to open Boheme extra early for the Rock ‘n’ Roll Marathon. I still felt all jittery and heart-poundy about it. I’d never seen a marathon before …. til today. And wow.

Wow. Amazing. I am still awestruck by the whole thing, really.

I have some cell phone photos of it that I may be sifting through to see if any of them look okay. And MB — the world’s most awesome cameraman — took his digital video camera and an old-style 8 mm camera to film the action, just for a little project for himself. (He does this professionally so he ain’t no slouch.) Soo … if I can get some still images from what he shot, well, so much the better. I mean, even after watching the marathon sweep past Boheme, we still came home and watched all his footage. Lived through the thing all over again. It was just so so wonderful. So, fingers crossed, I’ll get some of what he shot. But for now, just some quick random images and impressions that I just want to get down, to remember:

~ The sky was dull grey and puffy this morning, like a sky that didn’t get enough sleep. At first I thought it didn’t look quite ready for such a day, but then I looked again and saw a soft soothing blanket. Nothing jarring or too bright. A comfort sky. Good for the runners, with just the right amount of chill blowing through the seams. I dashed around in my black yoga pants, brewing coffee, watching the band set up across the street. Literally, directly across the street. Right in front of Boheme. I had no idea they’d be RIGHT THERE. So that was cool. I listened to their sound checks, listened as they blasted “Takin’ Care of Business” through their speakers at 6:00 a.m. while they finished setting up their stage. Here I was, puttering around my silly coffeehouse venture, and I suddenly felt part of something huge, way beyond me. Inside, I felt it roaring towards me, louder each minute, as if my blood were pounding in rhythm with the steps of 40,000 distant feet.

~ I fell in love with our street corner band The Kobbs. (There are bands all the way along this marathon’s route.) Seriously, though, kinda fell in love with them. I don’t know if it was uniquely them or if I just would have loved whatever band played across the street, supplying a pulse, a beat, for the runners to run to. Although, on the other hand … how many of the other bands would have played their entire hour-long set in their bathrobes and looked adorable and turned me into a twittery school girl groupie? Well, not tooo many, I’m sure. And more on THAT humiliation later. Lord.

~ The wheelchair runners rolled by first, heads down, all of them. You saw only helmets, arms, and wheels. No faces. Not a one. I started to tear up just witnessing that, the determination in that pose. The total single-mindedness. The HUGE arms shoving and shoving and shoving at those wheels. I didn’t exist to them. My feeble cheers of “woo!” didn’t exist to them. The band didn’t exist to them. There was only the road and what they had to do. That seemed to be all. Everything. And I felt almost called OUT by that. It practically seared through me: What in my life am I allowing to ask THAT of me? To ask me to see only the road and what I have to do? What? Weird, how I’m just standing on a sidewalk, sipping a coffee, and that thought rips right through me. A thought that seemed completely IN the moment and completely outside of the moment all at once. And it felt too big to contain right then. Too much to consider. I need to think about that more, really. But my woo-hooing stopped — instantly — and I felt almost like I should drop to my knees and thank them for letting me see that, letting me see inside them, see something in them so lacking in me.

~ The Kenyans blew by next. So fast, it almost didn’t register. I remember lots of pairs of bright red tennis shoes and how lightning fast they were, how effortless.

~ Then the swelling roar. The pounding horde. The charging feet. Lord in heaven. It was like nothing I’ve ever seen before. It felt like an explosion, inside of me, outside of me. All the runners, the whole world, really, came stampeding up the street. For a split second, I just wanted to fling my coffee down and jump into the fray. I wanted to BE in that. I wanted to KNOW that. Outside looking in just didn’t seem right. I was missing out on the THING. The thing that seemed like the only thing that anyone should be doing. It was so primal. So visceral. In that moment, I felt sure that a mere step down off that sidewalk and something new would be pounded into my mind that I would never ever know just standing there. I’m not even explaining this well. Dammit. Maybe it was just the movement. Maybe it’s because they were all going somewhere I wasn’t. But there was something more, I think — for me — in the whole thing. There was something of hope in that, something of fearlessness, in what I saw. It would be easy to compare them all to charging beasts or wild things because of the sound, the feral pound of it all. But they weren’t beasts. They were all so totally human and so totally divine at the same time. They were transcendent to me. I swear, I saw fully clothed people being more naked than I’ve ever seen people be. Some were old, but they ran. Some were fat, but they ran. Some wore leg braces, but they ran. One, a little old lady, was even blind, but she ran. As I stood there awestruck as if I were witnessing the cloud of fire on Mt. Sinai or something, this old woman shot past me on the sidewalk and plowed right into the light pole. She teetered, I gasped, and made a move towards her. But she just straightened herself back up, like Gumby unrolling himself, as if nothing had happened. Then she flicked her wrist and I saw it, the walking stick, unfold, unroll, whatever, as she started tapping the sidewalk to find her way again. She trotted off past me, a little unsteadily, and I saw the back of her t-shirt: Legally Blind Community, it read. She was old. She was fat. She was basically blind. But she ran. They all ran. Whatever the personal odds against them, they just ran. Whatever their myriad doubts, they just ran. Whatever anyone might think of them, they just ran. And that rebellion thrilled me, made me feel bigger inside, that rebellion of hope against despair. The beautiful naked hopeful running.

old yearbook photos

Okay. Nice to see I’m putting my lollygagging and avoidance of the gay ‘n’ chatty Boheme public to good use today. Seriously. I was there for 2 weeks straight, every dadgummed day, because our beloved employee C was graduating and had time off for some serious hoopla and hangovers. And she will neverevereverever get time off again. I mean it, C! But when she came back, I wept messy tears of joy and relief and just threw the keys at her. (Sans money, okaay, true, no need to keep harping on that.)

But I needed some quiet time. Some very very quiet time.

So here’s what I’m doing with it: Looking at this website called, strangely, Family Old Photos. Which seems backwards to meee, but maybe English is not the site owner’s first language. Or some other, slightly less snotty-sounding explanation.

Anyway, the site has a section of old yearbooks and just now, browsing around, the entries — little bios like we all had next to our senior photos — are hysterical. I’m posting some here, leaving the full names off.

Here’s one that seems rather nice, to start, but then, well …. seems to kinda go south; maybe it’s just me:

yearbooks1d.jpg

yearbooks1e.jpg

“She’s very nice and smart, but she’s allll yours, Jesus.”

Next here’s her classmate, uh, “Penny.” Wow. And “reeeeeerrr!”

yearbooks1b.jpg

yearbooks1c.jpg

“Like most lovable jesters, he’s extremely lazy and gloomy.”

Then, from a different high school several states away, there’s poor, misunderstood Celia ….

yearbook3.jpg

…. whose write-up said this:

Celia B. comes next on our roll. Few of us are fortunate enough to be intimate friends of Celia. She has a rather indifferent nature which has perhaps been misinterpreted by many of her classmates. Her own clique however term her a “peach,” and they know. Celia is “out” for a good time and she seems to be having it.
“Of all mankind each loves himself the best.” —Terence

Yeeowwwch! Yowwchha! Yowwie! And what’s with the quote at the end??

Well, this was 1922, so the happy ending here is at least she’s probably dead now.

loosey goosey

So my dearheart husband, MB, helps out every morning at Boheme for a couple hours before ambling off to his real job, his own business. Customers love him. He’s a big, personable, easygoing fellow — unlike his twitchy wife — and he’s a great conversationalist. He relaxes people. So he’s a hit. All the gay men just looooove him. Plus he got a new haircut about three weeks ago, so the schwing factor — always very high — is now through the roof. Which isn’t what this post is about, but, oh, well, I got a bit swept away and now he’s gonna read this and get a big head about it all. Calm thyself, MB.

Hm. Okay. Losing focus. See, I’m taking a day off from Boheme right now and it seems I forgot to — oh, nothing major — just leave my employee, C, the money for the cash drawer and she called my phone “39 times” she said, but I didn’t have it with me because I still haven’t figured out what cell phones are for, apparently, so she just sat for an hour and a half of business time, calling my cell phone, drinking coffee, and doing the puzzles in the paper. All of which I heartily endorse, because, well, what the heck is she supposed to do when dealing with an idiot boss? So when we finally got the message(S), MB called her back and said, “Hey — I’m sorry to hear your employers have become retarded.”

So I’m having that kind of day. Verrry mentally loose and glitchy.

Anyhoo. Back to Carla the Intuitive Clairvoyant. Didn’t I mention her?

She came in the other day for her meeting day, took one look at MB in all his glory, and said, “Oh! You got a haircut!”

MB just smiled. “Yeah.”

Later as she was leaving, she exclaimed some more and MB just smiled and I recognized the particular amused glint in his eye. I knew we were thinking the same thing. So Carla left, all floaty and high because of MB’s haircut. Or whatever.

I turned to him. “You got your hair cut three weeks ago.

“Yup.”

“She’s here every week.”

“Yup.”

“She’s a clairvoyant.”

A brief pause.

“Guess she was just feeling my inner haircut.”

wanting

My friend/customer M has lived an incredibly hard life. She struggles and she’s not afraid to say so. Not afraid to be open. Take an emotional risk. Say, “I suck.” And she’s one of my very favorite people because of it.

The other day she started telling me this ….

When she was 20 and desperate and strung out on drugs, she prostituted herself for 3 months because she couldn’t see straight, couldn’t see anything else to do. It was during this time that she first slept with a woman. Shortly after that, she told another, older woman, a woman she trusted, what had happened. The woman just looked at her and pronounced, “Oh. You’re gay.”

So M was telling me all this as we sat out on the front patio of Boheme. As she smoked, tears streamed down her cheeks. Tears streamed down my cheeks too. And I just let her talk:

“But was I? Was I really? I mean, she just said that. Poof! You’re gay! I’d never been with a woman before that and I was a total zombie at the time. A total mess. But this woman just said that and then said I was an addict and dropped me off at a rehab house for gays. So I’m grateful that she pointed me to sobriety, but, you know, she labeled me as gay when my resistance was low. I was totally vulnerable. But I was at this place for gays, right? And since I found acceptance from gays as gay and rejection from straights as gay — I was GAY. And it’s easy to become that because, well, suddenly, you’re in and accepted and there’s no going back. I don’t know the other life. I know this life. And now I don’t know what I am. I literally don’t know. I want what God wants for me. That’s what I want. But how would I ever explain this — all this — to a man? And I want kids, too, but my eggs are probably too old now, I guess. And I know all these people with kids. They talk about them all the time. I go to their parties and people I don’t know — people with kids — come up and ask me, “Do you have kids? Do you have kids?” And I always say, “No, but I can imagine.” But, Tracey, I can’t. I really can’t. I mean, I don’t know what that’s actually like. But I know what it is to want. So is that something? Does that count? I know what it is to want.”

She stopped and looked at me. And then we just sat there and cried from all the wanting.

the letter

So she sent me a 2-page letter about our conversation, radically misquoting me back to me, making some stuff up completely, wanting an apology for what I never said. The thing is, I would willingly own — without hesitation — what I actually said, but I won’t take responsibility for what I never said. Because I need my sanity. Desperately. I am selfish about that.

Honestly, I just don’t even know this place she inhabits. I don’t recognize it. I mean, I see it, see that she’s there in this … this elsewhere, but I can’t find it. If that even makes any sense. I think that once, years ago, our souls must have inhabited the same place or a similar place or even neighboring places, back when I was little and she was free, back when I was her daughter and she was my mom, but now, now … I don’t know her place anymore. And it scares me. For her. For me. Where is she? And where will I be someday?

When she tells me in the letter:

“May God judge you for what you said for He knows the truth.”

Or

“God will and is judging between you and me right now. He knows me and He can read my heart, so He will judge, whether in this world or in our life to come.”

Or

“You’re also ripping apart our marriage and this family.”

Or

“If your goal was to rip my heart apart and have me weeping every time I think of you — Good job!”

Or

“God forgive me for anything I did to inspire such ugliness.”

Or

“The great one on this earth (ed.: she means Satan) is very powerful, but I know the one that I worship.”

When she says these things ….. where is she? Where? Where?? I’m sorry. You don’t need to hear this. Not your problem. And it’s nothing new, actually. Many years of this, stretching back to when I was a teenager. But these are all complete thoughts, complete sentences, from her letter. I haven’t cut and pasted thoughts together. They’re just there.

I just feel so so so tired, peeps. I’m sorry. Forgive the dumping. The totally pointless rambling. I just needed to write …. oh, something … here, because I don’t have any words for there. How can I?

I think I like Anne Lamott’s idea: When she can’t think what to pray anymore … what to say … there are just no more human words … she writes the situation or the person’s name or whatever on a piece of paper and puts it in her God box. Basically saying, “God, you take it. I’m done. I am DONE.”

And I am. I am done.

sibling rivalry: film/tv

Okay. I’ve put together some pairs of real-life Hollywood siblings. The focus here is siblings who work in film or TV and all you gotta do is choose between them. You must choose. None of this “Well, I liked him in that, but then I liked the brother in that” stuff.

CHOOSE, okay!?? Also: Pretty please.

Just copy and paste the questions with your answers. And I’m sure I’ve forgotten some so there’s no need to email me with that. Thankee.

Okay. GO!

1. Warren Beatty or Shirley MacLaine?

2. River or Joaquin Phoenix?

3. Charlie Sheen or Emilio Estevez?

4. Joan Fontaine or Olivia de Havilland?

5. John or Joan Cusak?

6. Beau or Jeff Bridges?

7. Tim or Tyne Daly?

8. Mary Kate or Ashley Olsen?

9. Julia or Erik Roberts?

10. Randy or Dennis Quaid?

11. Owen or Luke Wilson?

12. John or Jim Belushi?

13. David or Shaun Cassidy?

14. Jake or Maggie Gyllenhaal?

15. Alec or William Baldwin? (I know there’s more. Who cares?)

16. This Wayans or That Wayans?

17. Rob or Chad Lowe?

18. David or Keith Carradine?

19. Michael or Virginia Madsen?

20. Ralph or Joseph Fiennes?

21. Jane or Peter Fonda?

22. James Arness or Peter Graves? (oooh! hard!)

Okay. Phhhhew. That’s it. It’s all you now.

said here, there, and around

M: I mean, the place was guhrrrrosss. And she’s not even a witch!

*****

MB (Referring to an old Southern gay gentleman, with his soft Georgia accent, wanting to give our friend A a free trip to Germany.): He’s ginger pervy.

*****

MB: Ugh. I had to talk to the ever-oozing Richard.

*****

M (questioning her lesbianism): I mean, it’s not like I played on the college softball team or something!

*****

ME: He is shaped like a garbage bag full of garbage.

*****

Ginger Pervy: I give the old ladies in my building flowers from my garden. I mean, I don’t want to die an ass****.

*****

Troy: YOU try having a geriatric cat.

*****

ME: So how many Spa Girls are there now?

J: Well, uhm, there’s three.

ME: Three?? So Spa Girl 1, Spa Girl 2, Spa Girl 3??

J: Uh-huh.

ME: Oh, Lord. What is wrong with you? Do they know about each other? Do you tell them?

J: No.

ME: You’re a disaster.

J (laughing): No, I’m not!

ME: No. You ARE, Rico Suave. Okay. How old is the oldest one again?

J: 26.

ME: And — let’s review. You’re what? 83?

J (rolls eyes because he always rolls his eyes): 55. And I’m going to Italy soon to find an Italian Spa Girl.

ME: I don’t even know what to say to you anymore. (pause) You’d better have some more coffee then.