My born-again Christian lesbian customer, M, who has her own cleaning business, continued her vicious tirade against witches’ houses today. She is just over them. I wish you could actually hear her diatribes, though. They are even more hysterical because of this dry downward deadpan she has. I cannot tell you how much I absolutely love this woman.
So today she came in, toddling in her ducky bike shoes, chainsmoking and gearing up for her big healthy bike ride. And she was just pissed OFF about witches again:
“Okay. So. There is just no way for me to tell you how horrible this witch’s house was. I mean, it was just brutally filthy. SO gross. I swear it’s like these witches become ONE with the dirt or something from all their woodsy demon rituals. You go into their houses and it is just filthy crappy pigginess. So this last witch? I go in there and I just want to DIE from the horror of it all. It is like a junkyard of evil. And she has this dresser and it’s covered with these little plastic bugs and little plastic dinosuars. And they are gross. So dirrrrty. Like, there is just mung everywhere. You know mung? Just disgusting MUNNNG. And you know how theses witches are — how they arrange things in certain positions as entry points for power? Well, I’m standing there in a freakin’ panic from the mung, putting on my gloves and scrubbing each individual plastic wing on these gross filthy bugs. And then it dawned on me, like, what the hell am I doing?? But I cleaned them because I couldn’t stop, but I didn’t know exactly where everything went when I was done because there’s literally just crap everywhere, so I just arranged them all nice, you know? So she came home and — let me tell ya — it was just a devvvastating moment for the witch. She was instantly all pissed off because I rearranged her devil arrangement or whatever. Like, just trying to clean her filth, I ruined her connection with evil or something. And that was IT. She was having a fit about plastic bugs and I was just done with her. This horrible old witch who’s dating some 25-year-old guy, by the way ….. and what the hell is HE doing?? Seriously. Hanging out with her. In THAT house. Having filthy mungy witch sex. Dear God. It’s the trauma of it. I am totally retraumatized. All that filthy filthy mung.”
And I was howling. Literally crying. I just could not take the word “mung” being uttered one more time. But then again, I wanted her to say it again and again and again. Mung. Mung. Mungy. I was howling so loudly that the Overlord came over from his deli and said, all tight and disapproving, “Um, I can totally hear you laughing.”
Dude, one word: MUNNNG.
I dare you not to laugh.
//She was instantly all pissed off because I rearranged her devil arrangement or whatever. Like, just trying to clean her filth, I ruined her connection with evil or something. //
I am howling!!!
Wait. She cleans more than one witch’s house? There’s a coven that has hired this woman to clean all their houses?!
The mind boggles.
This has nothing to do with your post, but I was on the road the other morning and I pulled up at a light behind a young woman in a small car with large side view mirrors. I could see her entire face. She looked exactly like the image at the top of your blog page. It was a VERY pleasant start to my day.
I think it’s just funny that she’s a lesbian who is a born-again Christian (Um….maybe born-again Christians are different in your neck of the wood, but) – hasn’t she experienced some prejudice directed at her for who she is?
And here she’s doing it to this poor wiccan, who’s probably really not all THAT dirty. And even if she is, that’s her own choice.
(And this is one reason why I’d never ever have a cleaning lady – I can imagine her talking with her friends, or pretty much anyone who’d listen: “OMG! She never, ever, moves her refrigerator to clean under it! And she won’t hire an exterminator, even though ants get in the house, because she DOESN’T LIKE BEING EXPOSED TO CHEMICALS! WTF is up with that? Seriously – there were like ants ALL WALKING IN THE BATHROOM SINK! It was horrible. She’s just so filthy; all those biologists are.”)
That said: I’ve used the word “mung” on occassion to describe an accumulation of dirt.
“scrubbing each individual plastic wing”
I’m howling, too.
Tracey, do you have any idea how much we all depend on your quirky, wonderfully expressed vignettes of life?
Is it just a coincidence that after she “rearranged” the “connection with evil,” the Overlord appeared? (Shudder.)
The story IS funny, and I wonder, like Lisa, how such a witch hater became employed by what appears to be an entire coven!
But, like Ricki, I also find quite a lot of irony in her prejudice.
Oh, and I also need to say that wiccans don’t worship the devil. They don’t believe in the devil. If this woman with the mung-filled house is worshiping the devil, she is not a witch…she is something else entirely.
I’m sorry. I just needed to say it. Witches get a bad rap. They are so misunderstood. Not being Christian does not equate to worshiping the devil.
But still, she can rant about the mung. There is no excuse for that!
Hm. I don’t know what to say to some of this. I feel really protective of M, to tell you all the truth. If you could hear her tone and hear the humor of it, the WAY she says this, I don’t think you’d call her a witch hater. There’s more to the story with this Wiccan woman and she’s been a real pain in the butt to M. Still, she tells the story with good humor and she’s been patient and unfailingly kind to Wiccan woman. And yes, Shannon, you’re right; not being a Christian doesn’t equate to worshipping the devil. BUT being a Wiccan doesn’t mean you believe in Jesus Christ at all and for M, that is upsetting because she absolutely LOVES Jesus, believes He is the way, as do I. Honestly, she’s more on fire about him than almost anyone I know. Her faith puts mine to shame. I learn from her. I’m humbled by her. And yes, she’s a lesbian. She’s not in a relationship and I don’t know if she ever will be, but — and I’m opening up a can of worms that this post isn’t even about — why can’t she be born-again? Does Jesus not save gays and lesbians? Is it just a big heavenly “too bad for you”? Yes, the Bible condemns the practice of homosexuality. It condemns a lot of other things as well: Drunkenness. Lust. Lying. Selfishness. Jealousy. Rage. Hatred. Etc. It condemns things that I struggle with, that we all struggle with. So then, how big is God’s grace? How big? Human-sized so we can understand it or God-sized so we can’t no matter how we try? Is it an ineffectual, lazy grace without much energy or coverage? Or a vigorous aerobic grace that’s strong enough for a world of pain and brokenness? I’m really really banking on the latter.
It’s interesting, but through Boheme and the Beanhouse, I know lots and lots of gay people now. I know many who believe in Jesus, actually. They STRUGGLE daily with who they are. And I find them noble and real. Personally, I’ve received more love and compassion in the last year and a half from the gay community than from the church — where I’ve been betrayed — or from individual Christians — who’ve broken my heart and refused reconciliation.
And I know that on the day I die, I will die with things in my life — in that very moment — that God condemns. I will die with sin in my heart. It’s part of me, every human. It’s what shapes the evil in this world, I’m sure. But that’s part of amazing grace — the utterly upside down economy of grace — that “believe in Jesus Christ and you will be saved.” It’s not ME. It’s not my friend M. It’s not good works. It’s not earned. It’s just Jesus and what he did to get us there, if we believe. Right? That in that moment of my death, my imperfect soul is covered by his perfection. It’s so simple and yet so mind-boggling. The huge unequal equation. The divine oxymoron of that.
So …. really, why can’t M be born-again?
I’m not meaning to come down on any of you here, really. But I love this woman and — well, I get teared up thinking about her because she has shown me tremendous love and steadfastness. She is praying for me and my silly little business daily. She constantly offers me any help she can and she has, literally, nothing. If you knew her story, her background, what she came from, how hard it’s been to put any kind of life back together for herself, I think you’d be rooting for her. And I believe she’s saved. I do. God saves the imperfect — he HAS to because I’m pretty sure that’s the only way we’re built.
You have the most interesting friends, Trace.
Tracey, when I read your reply post, I yelled out loud, “YES!â€
I’ve said for years that it shouldn’t have to hurt to go to church. And yet, I and many of the people closest to me are Christians, still passionate about their faith, but who have been bloodied by well-meaning good people who worship their own personal flavor of theology at the expense of the grace they claim to embrace. And church wounds are among the deepest, because they are a violation of an equally deep trust.
I too, have a gay friend who has chosen to be celibate because he loves Jesus with all his being, and he can’t reconcile his inward orientation with what he believes the Bible teaches. The truly sad part is that he can’t talk to anyone about it. But he has been a Big Brother (the mentoring organization) to more that 100 youngsters over the course of his life (and still going strong). Most of them are grown now with families of their own. They cherish him. But they don’t know the depth of his sacrificial giving. I weep when I think of his courage.
Throughout history, the church has used doctrine to trample people it doesn’t like, both at the hands of the clergy and the rank and file membership. The Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the Salem witch trials were all empowered by Bible scholars with the full support of the laity. Slavery in this country was defended vehemently by Bible scholars and a huge portion of the upstanding Christian community in the United States. Jesus, Himself, was condemned by the Bible scholars of His day. Even Hitler initially enjoyed a sizable amount of church support. What shame!
Its all about the difference between religion on the one hand, and faith in Jesus Christ on the other. But thank God, there have always been people who think past the shallowness of religion because of the reality of their faith. And yes, they are terribly flawed (“disfuguredâ€). They use “salty words†from time to time. They wrestle painfully with themselves and agonize to understand the things of God. But they refuse to settle for the company line. Praise God! They dare to see what the rest choose to be blind to. Few as they are, their tender love and strong courage reaches people no one else can. And they pay a price, too. They are called dreamers, irresponsible, shameful, disobedient, unteachable, carnal, apostate…
The church is filled with obsessive over-achievers marching past in their shallow parade of awards and credentials. I would trade them all in a heart beat for one courageous dreamer.
If I may say, Tracey, don’t stop dreaming, even for a minute. The Church doesn’t know it, but it needs you.
Witness — Thank you for your comment. And your friend — I got so teared up reading about him — he’s a hero to me. Really. That sacrifice is no small thing.
I like how The Anchoress (who linked to me up there, thanks, A!) says it. I’m paraphrasing her which one should never do and if she comes back around maybe she’ll fix it but she talks about gay Christians as people with a deep special calling. Like your friend. And it’s the calling to be — oh, and I’m think I’m gonna screw up the exact verbiage here, drat — but a separate other. I think this is an amazing, grace-filled notion. That that sacrifice of giving up sex, that giving up of, really, their lives and the expectations they have of their lives, opens them up to be vessels for Jesus in a way that others aren’t. I’m butchering this whole concept. Sorry.
But — as a childless not-by-choice woman, I relate to this idea. I’m a separate other. I’m not in sync with most woman my age who are mothers with their soccer games and teacher meetings and birthday parties and just business with kids. I own a cofffeehouse and hang out with gay people. The calling on my life seems to be quite different, at least for now. Separate other. Although, with your friend I see much more nobility because it’s volitional. His sacrifice is a choice.
Witness- just what do you think the Crusades were? Go back and look up the facts. Compare the spread of Christianity with the spread of Islam.
Don’t blindly accept junk history.
I’ll give you the other two, though.
I absolutely agree with you on the concept of gay people. I don’t see any reason why they would be excluded from salvation. Everyone shall be forgiven their imperfections. At least that is the God I believe in. If I am wrong, then I am already screwed, so there is no point.
My only beef was with the condemnation of the wiccan as a devil worshiper. This is an issue I am rather sensitive about, as I know many people of this faith, and it is a common misconcenption of people who are uneducated about the faith.
I understand M loves Jesus…and that is wonderful. But that doesn’t give her the right to condemn someone else for their lifestyle…and she, especially, should know this, as I’m sure she is condemned daily for her own lifestyle choices. I somehow would expect her to be more forgiving.
But if this woman, this wiccan, has been deliberately unkind to M, I understand her negative feelings. THAT is a whole different ball game. That changes everything.
I also love the fact that M has been so supportive of you. She is obviously a good person…I didn’t mean to imply otherwise. We all say things and feel things that others will find issue with. That is the human condition.
Shannon — I’m sorry you were offended. Again, M said this all with tremendous deadpan humor, really. And she has also said “I respect their right to have their beliefs — that’s America — but I don’t have to respect their actual beliefs.” Christianity and Wicca are pretty much polar opposites.