i’m pickin’ up good vibrations

So this weekly business networking group has started meeting at Boheme. Remember how I share space with a wine lounge — coffeehouse by day, wine lounge by night, all very super hero sounding? So that just means there’s some nice space for demanding ingrate business people to congregate on a regular basis and we’re all very excited about it.

Anyway, through this group of very networky people, I have met … Carla the Intuitive Clairvoyant. It happened two weeks ago.

“Hi,” she said, putting out her hand. “I’m Carla. I’m an Intuitive Clairvoyant.”

“Oh. How interesting,” I replied, trying to sound interested.

“Yeah. What I do is — (I hadn’t asked, but) — I sense emotional vibrations from people (do you, really?) — and sense disturbances in those vibrations (oh, like a seismograph, I see, uh-huh) — and then I help people correct them usually by going back to something in their childhood. It’s always that.”

“It is, isn’t it?” And she wandered off, bored, I guess, by my emotional vibrations.

Fast forward to the next week. She walked in for her meeting. I greeted her.

“Hi, Carla.”

“Oh … hi. Uhm, you remembered my name, wow. And yours is …”

“Well, you’re the Intuitive Clairvoyant — you tell me,” I laughed, meaning it as a very special joke we could share together. She didn’t laugh. Her eyes instantly narrowed. She stared at my face. It was like a serious challenge to her.

“Uhm …. uhm … it’s ….. Janice??”

“Well, no. It’s Tracey.”

Her Intuitive Clairvoyant face fell. Not even close, really. Not Stacey or Terry or even Nancy with that correct “cee” sound which is what a neighbor lady called me every day for 6 years when I walked home from school and I was too shy to correct her so I answered to it.

Fast forward to today’s meeting. She arrived with one of the men in the group. I was behind my espresso machine — thank God — when I overheard this:

Carla: I sense some deep inner excitement coming from you.

Man: Well, actually, I’m depressed.

Carla: No, no. It’s deep level excitement, trust me.

Man: No, I’m depressed about my braces. They hurt.

I have no ending to this story, really. Just stay tuned for more adventures with Carla the Intuitive Clairvoyant. I sense them coming.

13 Replies to “i’m pickin’ up good vibrations”

  1. Wow…I’m surprised your Intuitive Clairvoyant didn’t immediately go, “Um…well….I deal in FEELINGS, not WORDS” when she messed up your name.

    but given the interaction with braces-guy later on, maybe she’s not so hot in dealing with feelings either.

    It would make a funny movie or something…someone who is convinced they’re clairvoyant (and I thought that word went out with the turn of the 20th century) but really isn’t.
    It’s kind of like people I knew who nattered on and on about how they were “empaths” and were tuned in to other people’s feelings but were really thick as a brick and completely self-absorbed.

  2. I know, you guys! I mean, I started to crack UP and had to sink way down behind the machine — make it look like I was picking something up. I was dying. He was so blunt with her, the way he said it. I wish you all could have heard it. Hahahahaha!

  3. I once wrote a little comedy skit about Ned, the Clairvoyant Waiter. He would have your food waiting for you when you sat down, or walk up as you sat just to double-check what you were going to ask for. “Uh – wait a minute, I don’t want the potatoes.” “Oh, yes you do. You were going to change your mind and call me back after I left, because you were going to see them go by as I turned away and say…”

    [Potatoes goes past behind Ned, who points…]

    Ned AND Patron, together – “Damn, those DO look good!”

    And there’s Ned, just smiling – not rude or smug, just glad to be able to help you have a good time at the restaurant. His thought is that it’s the best way for his gift to touch as many people as possible – why not work someplace to make everyone’s everyday life a little brighter? And so on, until the fateful day that he misreads a customer (allergic, so he can’t have the shrimp), resulting in an utter meltdown in the middle of the dining room. “NOOOO! I want my moooooommmmm! Nooooo, not the spatula again! I’ll remember the dessert next time….”

  4. Intuitive Clairvoyant? Isn’t that sort of like “Chubby Fat Person”?
    You meet the most interesting people.
    Please let there be more.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *