Category: etc.

Uhm, ssnnnnnore. I was on the same page for days because I kept dozing off and snorting myself awake. But I will say that the book does serve a larger purpose: Reminding you with every turn of the page that there are much better books you could be reading.

Annnnd …. scene.

Hey, I said it was a book report. Not a book review. All my book reports were like this. Deal.

Oh, and, you know, maybe the movie will be better. They made most of the characters 10 years younger because you simply cannot be 40 or 50 or 60 in a movie — or in life, for that matter — and be IN LOVE! Everyone knows that this is gross. I’m sure Jane Austen would think so, too. I mean, come on. We all know that she died because she hit her forties, realized she was gross, and succumbed to her abject grossness.

So.

I think I’ve hit the high points here. The salient points. I’m pleased with it.

A big boo-bye to that book.

Oh, update. When I got my report back from the teacher, Miss Standifer, she had scribbled ALL over it in green pen:

Needs more details. Basic plot points, for instance? Themes? Names of characters, even? Tracey, did you even read this book or just the book jacket? And what does the movie have to do with it? Or Jane Austen’s tragic death? Additionally, I’m not sure I understand your use of the word “deal.” Is it functioning as a noun or a verb? It’s unclear. And may I say, speaking for the older woman, I do not think we are “gross.” Frankly, I’m disappointed. You’re capable of a better effort. But with the exceptions of “Annnnd,” “ssnnnnnore,” and “boo-bye” — which isn’t even a word — you spelled the remaining words correctly, which is more than I can say for the rest of the class, so I’m giving you a C+.

Whatevs, Miss Standifer, my 6th grade nemesis. I never liked you.

Okay, my dearies. I’m running a fever and feel generally grody. On the upside, I have never LOOKED better, believe me.

I suppose I could write a post in this state of delirium — and personally, I think I’m never more entertaining than when I’m delirious — but I actually really can’t see straight. Everything is kinda wavy. Hold still, dammit!

So it’s 4:45 p.m. and I’m going to bed. Seriously. MB just took off my shoes and encountered my feverish feet. (I’m sorry, MB, don’t leave me.) He’s set me up with my box of Puffs and OJ and demanded I become unconscious pronto. Poor man. I’m sure he just needs a break.

So good night, moon.

Er, sun.

About being unequally yoked to Baby Button Eyes is now in the comments here. I’m open to discussion about it. Honestly, I’m confused and …. stuff.

From Sheila.

1. Is your second toe longer than your first?
No. But kudos for cutting to the heart of the matter here.

2. Do you have a favorite type of pen?
I go through pen fetishes. I don’t like muddy, gloppy-feeling kind of pens. Pens that behave like birds pooing on my page actually enrage me. Medium point pens have this problem a lot. For me, anyway.

3. Look at your planner for March 14, what are you doing?
Planner?? Hahahahahahahaha!

4. What color are your toenails usually?
My toenails are usually toenail color. I need to do something about that because my feet are extremely cute and painting the toes would, I’m sure, bring more light and joy into a dark dark world full of medium-point bird-poo pens. I’m just saying, is all.

5. What was the last thing you highlighted?
I don’t know. My plannner?

6. What color are your bedroom curtains?
They are off-white linen. I guess.

7. What color are the seats in your car?
They are grey.

8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?
No. What’s with all the color questions, Memey? I feel like a first grader. Like you’re testing my color identification prowess.

9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on?
A bill? A love letter to myself? I don’t know.

10. Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?
No. But I know someone from Wyoming who wants to move back to Wyoming.

11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time?
For my p*rn addiction. How retarded. Obviously, to give to the thug standing behind me with a gun in the small of my back. Duh. Why else?

12. Whose is the last baby that you held?
Held? Hm. Well, today at Boheme, an 11-month-old baby from Espana named Manuel flirted recklessly with me. But I didn’t hold him. No, he just would have fallen too deeply in love and then refused to go home with his weird, Hammer Time pants- wearin’ Euro pappy.

13. Unlucky #?
I dislike all uneven numbers. And I was born on one. Hence, the birth of my generalized mania.

14. Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste?
No. But at first, I thought that said CinnaBON toothpaste. Which would be something else altogether.

15. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago?
Since you like colors so much, Memey, I will say “a black one.” Ooooh.

16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators?
What’s that now?

17. Last time you went to Six Flags?
I never have. Hence, the birth of my generalized mania.

18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?
No.

19. Closest thing to you that is yellow?
A cup. OHMYGAWWWD!!! Aren’t you glad you asked that??

20. Last person to give you a business card?
Some wiener who wanted to get me all excited about his uber-fab magazine. It did not work.

21. Who is the last person you wrote a check to?
Diedrich Coffee. Not a person, but whatevs.

22. Closest framed picture to you?
Picture of my nieces and nephews.

23. Last time you had someone cook for you?
My mother-in-law, actually. About a month ago.

24. Have you ever applied for welfare?
No. Haha! Not yet, anyway.

25. How many emails do you have?
Tons. Tonnytontons. What??

26. Last time you received flowers?
A few months ago from a customer. Okay. It was that Spanish baby, Manuel. As I said, he loves me.

27. Do you play air guitar?
No. I do play the air pan flute, though. Watch out, Zamfir!

28. Has anyone ever proposed to you?
Uh, 3 times. My answers were as follows: Yes. Yes, then no. And YES.

29. Do you take anything in your coffee?
Yes.

30. Do you have any Willow Tree figurines?
You mean, one of these?

Uhm, no.

But I had Precious Moments army once. And each year, another droopy-eyed Precious soldier would be added to the ranks during that annual pageant of passive-aggressive giftgiving called Christmas. I’d smile real big, faking delight and faking it badly, and then dutifully display them in my bedroom, lining them up in perfect Precious military rows. They were gross. Later, my Preciouses met with horrible, unexpected deaths when I threw them one by one into the trash and — they broke.

31. What is/was your high school’s rival mascot?
It was the Monarchs. Also those menacing Foothillers.

32. Last person you spoke to from high school?
I haven’t kept in touch. It was not a great time for me.

33. Last time you used hand sanitizer?
Today. At Boheme.

34. Would you like to learn to play the drums?
No. When I think of playing drums, I always think of that one-armed drummer from Def Leppard wildly slinging his spare arm all over the place. And then that empty dangling sleeve on the other side of his body. And then I shiver and sob. So, no, thankee.

35. What color are the blinds in your living room?
No more color questions. They are seriously bugging me.

37. Last thing you read in the newspaper?
I read some article about the loss of privacy. Later that same day, I answered a bunch of nosy-ass questions online.

38. What was the last pageant you attended?
Pageant? Well, every day is a pageant at Boheme. Ask my customers. They’ll tell you. “I am the Queen of this” and “I am the Queen of that” and “I am the Queen of queens.” I have to shut down before a spontaneous swimsuit competition erupts.

39. What is the last place you bought pizza from?
Lefty’s. YUM.

40. Have you ever worn a crown?
I’m sure I have. Not based on anything I’ve actually done to warrant it, however.

41. What is the last thing you stapled?
WHO CAAAAAAARES???

42. Did you ever drink clear Pepsi?
No, I don’t like soda. Unless it’s Fresca.

43. Are you ticklish?
Yes.

44. Last time you saw fireworks?
This summer.

45. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?
Uhm, I hate to sound sacrilegious or something, but I don’t like Krispy Kreme doughnuts. They seem flat to me. Aren’t they flat? They’re kinda flat.

46. Who is the last person that left you a message & you actually returned it?
My friend V.

47. Last time you parked under a carport?
Oh, let me check my plannnnnner to see if I made a note of THAT. Shut up.

48. Do you have a black dog?
No. color. questions.

49 . Have you had your mid life crisis yet?
I started when I was 6, so yes.

50. Are you an aunt or uncle?
Si. Yo soy una tia. Tia buena y muy bonita!

51. Who has the prettiest eyes that you know of?
MB. They are the bluest blue and he has the longest eyelashes.

52. What kind of soap or body wash do you use?
I’m always changing that. Something that smells good. And citrus-y. I love citrus scents. Because of my acidic nature, you see.

53. Do you remember Ugly Kid Joe?
Eh??

54. Do you have a little black dress?
Uhm, no, actually.

(Profanity in link. Some people won’t find this funny, but … I’m sorry. I cannot stop laughing. Literally, tears of laughter.)

Will Ferrell has a run-in with his 2-year-old landlord.

Go check out that whole site. And the other Will Ferrell videos. I need to pace myself because I really don’t wanna wet my pants with laughter.

Uhm, so I happened to catch Oprah today. And it was all about the new movie based on Beatles’ songs, Across the Universe. Which, by the way, looks astonishing. Really truly. So at one point during the show, the basically unknown (except for Evan Rachel Wood) cast members came out, one by one, and sang a medley of Beatles’ tunes. Including a dark-haired, dark-eyed kinda scruffy fellow who sang “All My Lovin’.”

Then it happened, you see. Something weird with my heart. There was just something about that scruff and something about the tilt of his head and something about the secret gleam in his eyes — and I was gone. My heart went all clutchy because, well:

(He doesn’t have that fetching scruffiness he had today. Hm. My love has dimmed the teensiest bit looking at this.)

But still before you all freak out, rest assured that I have just discussed this with MB and he understands all about this new heart-throbby boyfriend to my 18-year-old self. Well, I’m not sure it’s that he “understands” as much as “doesn’t care” because he is “secure” in my “love.”

It went just like this:

ME: See that dude? I am in love with him.
HE (reading a magazine): Uhhmm-huhhhhhmmm.
ME: You understand, don’t you?
HE: (see above): Uhhmm-huhhhhhmmm.

Okay. Whatever, Peaches. But may I remind you:

(I think I love you, Jim Sturgess. Or your momentary scruffiness. No. No, wait. I’m sure it’s you.)

HE: Ooh. I want to see Shoot ‘Em Up.

(A scrunch of disapproval from me.)

HE: What? (wooing me) Clive is in it.

ME: Clive Davis is in it???

(Long hideous pause.)

HE: Yess. Clive Davis the record producer is in Shoot ‘Em Up.

I took this from Sheila — I don’t think she’ll mind.

The challenge here is:

Go to the advanced book search on Amazon, type your first name into the Title field, and post the most interesting/amusing cover that shows up.

All righty. Here’s what I got. I’m posting three things:

Tracey Emin, by artist Tracey Emin

And this, Tea with Tracey by Tracey Caswell, subtitled “The Woman’s Survival Guide to Bermuda.”

Uhm, really? Really?? I’ve been to Bermuda and you mostly have to survive the humidity and cricket and looking the wrong way when you’re crossing the street. Oh, and the lush tropical beauty and the pastel-painted cottages with white-washed roofs and the scrumptious food and the friendly people — yes, it IS very taxing:

Beware. You may not get out alive.

Oh, finally — this came up as well, the Daniel Green Women’s Tracey Washable Slipper, which one should ONLY wear when one is finally toddling off to the nursing home — with their “Woman’s Survival Guide to — ACKK!!! — Bermuda” hidden deep within one’s fleecy housecoat: