From Sheila.
1. Is your second toe longer than your first?
No. But kudos for cutting to the heart of the matter here.
2. Do you have a favorite type of pen?
I go through pen fetishes. I don’t like muddy, gloppy-feeling kind of pens. Pens that behave like birds pooing on my page actually enrage me. Medium point pens have this problem a lot. For me, anyway.
3. Look at your planner for March 14, what are you doing?
Planner?? Hahahahahahahaha!
4. What color are your toenails usually?
My toenails are usually toenail color. I need to do something about that because my feet are extremely cute and painting the toes would, I’m sure, bring more light and joy into a dark dark world full of medium-point bird-poo pens. I’m just saying, is all.
5. What was the last thing you highlighted?
I don’t know. My plannner?
6. What color are your bedroom curtains?
They are off-white linen. I guess.
7. What color are the seats in your car?
They are grey.
8. Have you ever had a black and white cat?
No. What’s with all the color questions, Memey? I feel like a first grader. Like you’re testing my color identification prowess.
9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on?
A bill? A love letter to myself? I don’t know.
10. Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?
No. But I know someone from Wyoming who wants to move back to Wyoming.
11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time?
For my p*rn addiction. How retarded. Obviously, to give to the thug standing behind me with a gun in the small of my back. Duh. Why else?
12. Whose is the last baby that you held?
Held? Hm. Well, today at Boheme, an 11-month-old baby from Espana named Manuel flirted recklessly with me. But I didn’t hold him. No, he just would have fallen too deeply in love and then refused to go home with his weird, Hammer Time pants- wearin’ Euro pappy.
13. Unlucky #?
I dislike all uneven numbers. And I was born on one. Hence, the birth of my generalized mania.
14. Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste?
No. But at first, I thought that said CinnaBON toothpaste. Which would be something else altogether.
15. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago?
Since you like colors so much, Memey, I will say “a black one.” Ooooh.
16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators?
What’s that now?
17. Last time you went to Six Flags?
I never have. Hence, the birth of my generalized mania.
18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?
No.
19. Closest thing to you that is yellow?
A cup. OHMYGAWWWD!!! Aren’t you glad you asked that??
20. Last person to give you a business card?
Some wiener who wanted to get me all excited about his uber-fab magazine. It did not work.
21. Who is the last person you wrote a check to?
Diedrich Coffee. Not a person, but whatevs.
22. Closest framed picture to you?
Picture of my nieces and nephews.
23. Last time you had someone cook for you?
My mother-in-law, actually. About a month ago.
24. Have you ever applied for welfare?
No. Haha! Not yet, anyway.
25. How many emails do you have?
Tons. Tonnytontons. What??
26. Last time you received flowers?
A few months ago from a customer. Okay. It was that Spanish baby, Manuel. As I said, he loves me.
27. Do you play air guitar?
No. I do play the air pan flute, though. Watch out, Zamfir!
28. Has anyone ever proposed to you?
Uh, 3 times. My answers were as follows: Yes. Yes, then no. And YES.
29. Do you take anything in your coffee?
Yes.
30. Do you have any Willow Tree figurines?
You mean, one of these?
Uhm, no.
But I had Precious Moments army once. And each year, another droopy-eyed Precious soldier would be added to the ranks during that annual pageant of passive-aggressive giftgiving called Christmas. I’d smile real big, faking delight and faking it badly, and then dutifully display them in my bedroom, lining them up in perfect Precious military rows. They were gross. Later, my Preciouses met with horrible, unexpected deaths when I threw them one by one into the trash and — they broke.
31. What is/was your high school’s rival mascot?
It was the Monarchs. Also those menacing Foothillers.
32. Last person you spoke to from high school?
I haven’t kept in touch. It was not a great time for me.
33. Last time you used hand sanitizer?
Today. At Boheme.
34. Would you like to learn to play the drums?
No. When I think of playing drums, I always think of that one-armed drummer from Def Leppard wildly slinging his spare arm all over the place. And then that empty dangling sleeve on the other side of his body. And then I shiver and sob. So, no, thankee.
35. What color are the blinds in your living room?
No more color questions. They are seriously bugging me.
37. Last thing you read in the newspaper?
I read some article about the loss of privacy. Later that same day, I answered a bunch of nosy-ass questions online.
38. What was the last pageant you attended?
Pageant? Well, every day is a pageant at Boheme. Ask my customers. They’ll tell you. “I am the Queen of this” and “I am the Queen of that” and “I am the Queen of queens.” I have to shut down before a spontaneous swimsuit competition erupts.
39. What is the last place you bought pizza from?
Lefty’s. YUM.
40. Have you ever worn a crown?
I’m sure I have. Not based on anything I’ve actually done to warrant it, however.
41. What is the last thing you stapled?
WHO CAAAAAAARES???
42. Did you ever drink clear Pepsi?
No, I don’t like soda. Unless it’s Fresca.
43. Are you ticklish?
Yes.
44. Last time you saw fireworks?
This summer.
45. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?
Uhm, I hate to sound sacrilegious or something, but I don’t like Krispy Kreme doughnuts. They seem flat to me. Aren’t they flat? They’re kinda flat.
46. Who is the last person that left you a message & you actually returned it?
My friend V.
47. Last time you parked under a carport?
Oh, let me check my plannnnnner to see if I made a note of THAT. Shut up.
48. Do you have a black dog?
No. color. questions.
49 . Have you had your mid life crisis yet?
I started when I was 6, so yes.
50. Are you an aunt or uncle?
Si. Yo soy una tia. Tia buena y muy bonita!
51. Who has the prettiest eyes that you know of?
MB. They are the bluest blue and he has the longest eyelashes.
52. What kind of soap or body wash do you use?
I’m always changing that. Something that smells good. And citrus-y. I love citrus scents. Because of my acidic nature, you see.
53. Do you remember Ugly Kid Joe?
Eh??
54. Do you have a little black dress?
Uhm, no, actually.
“Air pan flute” hahahahahahaha
“Precious Moments Army” oh, dear Lord, I KNOW people who have that – all those little sad-eyed kids all lined up like Pickett’s Charge or something. Creepy. (There’s a Precious Moments MUSEUM somewhere near Branson. I see billboards for it when driving to visit relatives. The very idea of it makes me shudder).
And…when did you your color “issues” start, exactly, Tracey? Tell us about your color “issues.”
The Precious Moments museum is in Carthage, MO. I know this because I know a girl who used to work there. In the chapel.
Can you imagine?
ricki — I had no IDEA there was a museum. If I’d known, I certainly would have donated my entire Precious Moments army — like the magnanimous patron of the arts that I am.
lisa — I had no IDEA there was a chapel. What?? Full of Precious Moments that look like Jesus? Because that’s what he looks like, you know.
There is a chapel, with PM people in STAINED GLASS.
My friend, before she got the cushy chapel gig, had to walk around with a big giant PM kid head on, like she was the Mickey Mouse of Precious Moments. How she is not in an institution today is beyond me.
See? Wouldn’t you go mad?
Precious Moments CHAPEL!?!? I just threw up in my mouth.
Love your answers! Meme was sort of odd, no? (And you notice that there’s no question #37? It’s designed to drive you crazy.)
(Actually – you have a 37, but no 36. It’s one question short, in any case.)
I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone tell a meme to “shut up” before (#47). Way to stand your ground!
NF – Hm. Wonder if I deleted one — I was having weird computer issues when I copied it.
Kate — Yes, thank you. I felt it was important.
Lisa — Oh, no. NO. My mom would love that. I would slit my wrists. Just looking at it makes me want to find a razor blade. I had NO IDEA. WHAT?? WHY??
I’m telling you — you could sit in that chapel all you want saying, Come Holy Spirit and He’d be like, Huh-UH. No way.
Oh, noes! The Precious Moments museum had costumed characters? That’s even scarier.
Yeah, I kind of have a feeling that if Jesus saw a Precious Moments figure, he’d be kind of “WTF [or whatever variant of that that Jesus would say] is THIS?!?!!?!”
I am quite sure – and a lot of theologians would agree with me – that Jesus looked more like a long-distance runner than He looked like a gummy bear. (Because that’s what the PM figures make me think of…gummy bears.)
ricki — /Jesus looked more like a long-distance runner than He looked like a gummy bear./
And …
/”WTF [or whatever variant of that that Jesus would say] is THIS?!?!!?!â€/
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
And now I’m trying to think what that variant would be …
PM in stained glass? PM suits like Mickey Mouse? I… I… I gotta’ agree with NF. Bile galore.