Category: etc.

As you may already know, my state, the Golden State of CA, has a JILLION DOLLAR budget shortfall. Or, okay, more accurately, if you insist on getting all technical, fine: $42 billion. But, yippyskip, today our state legislature passed a brand new budget starring: Taxes taxes taxes! Weeeee!

Here is what I, as a Californian, get to partake in now:

~ A 1% increase in the state sales tax to 9.25%.

~ An increase in state income tax by .25%.

~ A doubling of the vehicle licensing fees.

~ But, phew, they opted to drop the whole 12-cents-a-gallon gas tax.

Huzzah! We’re saved!

Uhm, yeah, so which of you is gonna let us come and live in your basement?

Step up, Crackie.

First off, let me say that, sadly, I do not have photos of the signage that will be discussed here. That’s just the way it is, see, since I do not currently own a camera because of my general Amishness and early 20th century-ness. (For the sake of my analogy, please ignore the fact that, okay, I wrote and posted this on a computer, shhhhh.)

You will just have to use your imaaaginaaation.

The last couple of days, weird signage has been popping up everywhere I look. Everywhere. On buildings. On cars. On fences. It’s like I am suddenly attuned to signage; that my psyche is seeking signage, yearning for signage. And, it’s weird, it’s hugely satisfying somehow. I’ve gotten a little swept off my feet by the whole thing. Look. I’m surrounded, still, by stacks of boxes that are not unpacking themselves, lazy buggers, so I must get my enjoyment where I can.

What I’ve seen:

~ A sign on a gate reading:

QUIET ZONE
MOVE QUIETLY

Uhm, yes, just to remind you — and, really, this simply cannot be overstated — it is very important that you remain QUIET in this area specially zoned for QUIET and consider how best to be QUIET and exist QUIETLY; for instance, if you ever saw that movie The QUIET Man, we actually need you to be much more QUIET than he ever was, because, again, we feel we must reiterate we have designated this area as a QUIET ZONE in which one must be QUIET and MOVE QUIETLY, thank you

~ A sign on a neighborhood laundromat reading:

REDWOOD STREET LUNDROMAT

Look. You wash your clothes here, okay? You say laundro, we say lundro. Potato, potahto.

~ On the side of a delivery van:

VALLE DE QUESO

~ Valley of Cheese. What? Yea, though I walk through the Valley of Cheese, I will fear no evil … although, honestly — and don’t get me wrong, I love it, God — but a valley full of nothing but unrelenting cheese really kind of freaks me out.

~ My favorite. A sign written into the dirty window on the back of a van:

PAN FLUTE LESSONS!
555-9812

brrrrrng ….. brrrrrrng ……

Uhm, yes. I’m calling about the pan flute lessons?

Oh, great! How did you hear about me?

Well … the finger-writing? Ah, in the dirt? On some van I saw?

Say you’re telling someone a story — a personal tale of woe, perhaps — because they have just inquired about it. Hearing this information is their idea. You start to tell them and, oh, about three minutes into the story — and you were closing in on the end of it — the person prompts, “So, to make a long story short ….”

Uh, what do you do or say? Isn’t that something that the speaker usually says to hurry themselves up, to acknowledge the story’s been going on a bit? Is it polite for the listener to say to you, the speaker, “So to make a long story short ….”?

I don’t think so. And I will tell you what I did, since — surprise! — this really did happen to me recently. I looked at the person and said, “Well, it’s not that long” and immediately stopped talking about it. Why? Because I’m now a curmudgeon and other people’s rudeness is making me rude in return, I guess.

Plus, I’m a gang member now, so I have a bad attitude, dawg.

Just wait til you get to the part where she has candy in her heels!

We’ve done “Rank ‘Em” here before — I think with American Idol winners. I could link to it, but, frankly, I’m too busy ogling the Liam Neeson poster below. The guidelines are simple: “Rank ‘Em” is your personal preference. My #1 may be totally different from your #1 and that is okay.

So I thought I’d do “Rank ‘Em:The Chronicles of Narnia” since I just watched Prince Caspian on my laptop last night whilst MB was at a production meeting. You know, I have this to say in general about the Narnia movies so far: Please get a better director. Please find a better editor. And, well, the actors playing Peter, Susan, and Edmund are …. boring. Also, please give Aslan a bigger better mane — he looks like he just came from the lion groomer’s and it totally bugs me. Everyone raved that the second movie was so much better than the first and I’ll give it this — it had a bigger budget — but that’s all I’m giving it. And this isn’t the post to talk about all the ways they changed the story, ahem. Still, Narnia deserves better.

But seeing the movie got me thinking about these books again and how much I loved them, how I’ve read several of them over and over, and next think I knew, I had scribbled out my rankings — my personal list of my favorite to least favorite of The Chronicles of Narnia.

Again, this list is my personal order of preference, so there’s no need, I would hope, for anyone to take issue. It’s preference. No accounting for taste, as the phrase goes. Last time, with Rank ‘Em: AI, I ranked winner Taylor Hicks very low on my preference list and I could NOT believe all the Hickheads who came out of the woodwork blasting me: “How could you rank Taylor Hicks last?? How can you say that?? Fantasia Barino — or whoever — should be last!” Then their Taylor Hicks website linked to my list so that even more people could CHOOSE to get all offended over nothing. It was insane! So, seriously, if any random As-heads or Lionheads or Narn-heads, whatever they may call themselves, want to get all obstreperous about it, I will delete the comments. It’s for fun, not arguing. Personal preference, remember?

Feel free to do yours. Of course, if you haven’t read the books, well, I imagine it will be harder for you.

1) The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe — The first one I read so it had the impact of being first, but I love everything about this story. I fell in love with Narnia and Aslan from this book.

2) The Silver Chair — Puddleglum! Harfang! The Lady of the Green Kirtle! “It was a dull autumn day and Jill Pole was crying behind the gym.”

3) The Magician’s Nephew — Chronologically, the first book. I am MAD for Polly and Digory and weird Uncle Andrew and the whole creation scene.

4) The Voyage of the Dawn Treader — “There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb and he almost deserved it.” Yes, I’m a nerd. I have these opening sentences memorized. Feel free to check their accuracy. I adored Eustace, Reepicheep, the Dufflepuds, the magician’s book, the “dragon” ….. ooooh.

5) Prince Caspian — Actually, this book has one of my favorite scenes in all of the Narnia books — where Lucy wakes up and hears Aslan calling her and reunites him in the pool of moonlight. (They completely botched this scene in the movie. It was a turn-off, man.) I love Doctor Cornelius and Trufflehunter.

6) The Last Battle — I have only read this one once and it was years ago now. It was disturbing to my little mind at the time — the whole “antichrist” angle — but I remember how my heart just soared over the descriptions of New Narnia at the end.

7) The Horse and His Boy — Another one I’ve read just once. I don’t know. It didn’t resonate for me at the time. It was foreign — it was foreign, wasn’t it? Less Narnia? I remember next to nothing about it so I think I will reread it this year and see if my ranking here changes.

Feel free to rank ’em for yourself.

Uhm, okay. I think this is probably unseemly of me to mention, but may I say that Capt. Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger, pilot of Flight 1549, is kind of sexy? I looked forward all day to his “60 Minutes” interview (with Katie Couric) tonight and halfway through the segment, I looked over and announced at MB, “Yes. Okay. I have a crush on Sully Sullenberger now.” “Okay.” Hahaha. He is, as ever, unfazed. Dammit. Be jealous. Look, man: “I HAVE A CRUSH ON CHESLEY ‘SULLY’ SULLENBERGER, OKAY???”

“Okay. Frankly, so do I.”

Well, he’s mine, Peaches; back OFF.

Anyhoo. I’m sure many of you saw this interview, so I can’t be alone here in my response. Or if I am, then make something up so I don’t feel alone. Part of the sexiness comes from the fact that he did something amazing and heroic. That’s a given. Heroes are just dead sexy. But the other part of his sexiness, the unexpected part for me, was his demeanor during the interview. Here’s this thin white-haired man, pushing 60, porn mustache, not really empirically attractive, and there’s just something about him. I could not look away from his face. Something about his gaze, how unwavering and direct it was, but not in a confrontational way, no, not at all. He seemed warm but reserved and steady. Just so steady. As he told his story, he showed absolutely no sign of ego, no sign that any of the accolades had gone to his head. He seemed almost too … complete for all of that. Too much of a grown up. Okay. I’ll say it: Too much of a man.

And I’m sorry, but he made me a little tingly. He’s a little bit yowza. When he was looking that look at America’s Chipmunk, Katie Couric, I felt this wave of resentment and wanted him to be looking that look at me. “Look at me, Chesley ‘Sully’ Sullenberger! Look at me!”

But no. That Couric person got all his looks and, you know what? You could tell: Chesley “Sully” Sullenberger was getting to The Chipmunk too.

Yowza McGowza.

So I had to call the USPS because the online change of address I filled out did not “take.” ARGH.

A portion of my conversation with a US Postal Service employee named Tanisha.

(I’ve changed street names, addresses, etc., in this post)

USPS: Uh, so what is your new street address?

ME: 1234 Alaska Street.

USPS: Alaska?

ME: Uh-huh.

USPS: Spell that.

ME: Uh, okay. A-L-A-S-K-A.

USPS: -S-K-A?

ME: Uh, yes.

(Is this word unfamiliar to her??)

USPS: City, please?

ME: San Diego.

USPS: How do you spell that?

ME: (Good God) It’s —

USPS: Is it D-E-I-G-O?

ME: No. It’s D —— I —— E —— G —— O.

USPS: Oh, hahaha. I always get that wrong.

ME: Is there a third grader I can talk to, please?

(No. I didn’t say that. I’m a disappointment, I know.)

I am in NO mood, people. Good to know my information is safe in competent hands of the US Postal Service.