First off, let me say that, sadly, I do not have photos of the signage that will be discussed here. That’s just the way it is, see, since I do not currently own a camera because of my general Amishness and early 20th century-ness. (For the sake of my analogy, please ignore the fact that, okay, I wrote and posted this on a computer, shhhhh.)
You will just have to use your imaaaginaaation.
The last couple of days, weird signage has been popping up everywhere I look. Everywhere. On buildings. On cars. On fences. It’s like I am suddenly attuned to signage; that my psyche is seeking signage, yearning for signage. And, it’s weird, it’s hugely satisfying somehow. I’ve gotten a little swept off my feet by the whole thing. Look. I’m surrounded, still, by stacks of boxes that are not unpacking themselves, lazy buggers, so I must get my enjoyment where I can.
What I’ve seen:
~ A sign on a gate reading:
QUIET ZONE
MOVE QUIETLY
Uhm, yes, just to remind you — and, really, this simply cannot be overstated — it is very important that you remain QUIET in this area specially zoned for QUIET and consider how best to be QUIET and exist QUIETLY; for instance, if you ever saw that movie The QUIET Man, we actually need you to be much more QUIET than he ever was, because, again, we feel we must reiterate we have designated this area as a QUIET ZONE in which one must be QUIET and MOVE QUIETLY, thank you
~ A sign on a neighborhood laundromat reading:
REDWOOD STREET LUNDROMAT
Look. You wash your clothes here, okay? You say laundro, we say lundro. Potato, potahto.
~ On the side of a delivery van:
VALLE DE QUESO
~ Valley of Cheese. What? Yea, though I walk through the Valley of Cheese, I will fear no evil … although, honestly — and don’t get me wrong, I love it, God — but a valley full of nothing but unrelenting cheese really kind of freaks me out.
~ My favorite. A sign written into the dirty window on the back of a van:
PAN FLUTE LESSONS!
555-9812
brrrrrng ….. brrrrrrng ……
Uhm, yes. I’m calling about the pan flute lessons?
Oh, great! How did you hear about me?
Well … the finger-writing? Ah, in the dirt? On some van I saw?
My favorite sign was on a gas station marquee near where my parents live in northern Louisiana. It was up for God knows how long – years – until they changed it.
It read:
EAT HERE
GET GAS
We have one in downtown New Orleans that has been a landmark since my dad was a kid. It’s on the side of a glass shop.
Don’t Cuss
See Gus
The implications are too vast for my pea brain.
Oh my gosh, that last one – written in the dust – is KILLING me!
My favorite sign I saw (sadly, I was also Amish at that point and had no camera) was on the Cape – and it was a sign for a tutoring service and the phone number (area code included) spelled:
TUTORS-IS-US.
Tutors IS us?
I think I’ll pass on your service there, peeps!!
Cullen — Hahahahaha. I especially love that it was up for a long time before they changed it. Like there was no problem.
Rob — I’m with you. I … don’t understand. But I kind of like that I don’t understand it because I’m weird.
sheila — How fun would it have been to call them up and have a session with them? To pose as someone in desperate need of tutoring only to discover that you end up tutoring them? Hahahaha.
Okay. Now I kind of wish I’d written down that pan flute number so I could have taken one lesson and blogged about it. Hm. I know approximately where that van was. Maybe it’s still dirty …..
Sheila – do you think they specifically requested the 888 prefix instead of 800 or 866? “Yes, it must spell TUTORS for the first six numbers. … What do you mean, what about the last four? … Whatever. Listen, we’re tutors, we’ll work it out later.”
[later] “Aw, nuts.”
Phone company 1, TUTORS 0.
My favorite sign is the one for Jose Tejas on Route 1/9 in Woodbridge NJ – it says, simply, “EATS.” You need the jaws of life to grab a table in that place.
Forgot to mention the other part. It was a devil holding the sign. Found a picture of it here. It’s got some graffiti on it and it saddens me that the business closed although I had never been inside. Just another signpost of my long ago youth going by the wayside.
There’s an eating establishment outside rural Poplar Bluff, MO that I’ve been meaning to get a picture of for years. Picture, if you will, a large bright blue building with letters at LEAST three feet high that say “RESTUARANT.”
And on the other side of ol’ PB, there’s a gas station called the “Hep-U-Sef.”
Yeah.
“EATS” — I love it.
Lisa — Hep-U-Sef, hahahaha. Uhm, is it wrong of me to like saying that?
Rob — Thanks for that. What a great photo. (Sheila, you need to check it out.)
But what’s with the “Jesus Lord” part, I wonder? It’s killing me! It almost looks like graffiti and someone IS swearing and openly flouting the request of the sign or it looks like maybe it could say “Jesus IS Lord” and you’d better NOT swear. You will go to hell, here is the devil, AHHHHH! etc.
What an awesome schizo sign! Hahahahaha!
That “Jesus Lord” looks like it was stamped onto the sign with a giant rubber stamp. They’re all exactly the same. I’m glad they didn’t obliterate the original sign but I regret not having my own picture of it.
I had a colorful bedridden aunt, who was a bookie, and she lived around the corner. We passed by that sign every time we visited.
What does the Devil have to do with auto glass?
That entire sign is like some hallucinogenic drug trip. There is far too much going on.
Okay, I know I’m late to this conversation, but I had to join in. We just got back from a trip to NH, and on the way back, as we’re driving through MA, there’s this sign that says, in part (I had my camera – no excuse – but we went by it too fast)
TAKE A BREAK
STAY WAKE
FOR SAFETY SAKE
I’ve seen more than one of these – they’re put up by the state, I believe – and every time I see one it makes me cringe. The funny thing, though, is that not too long ago I saw one that had been corrected. So maybe one by one each sign will be re-lettered and in about 17 years they’ll all be fixed.
Ah. I feel better now. Thanks.