Category: etc.

Okay, hon. Well, hm. It’s nothing. I hate to tell you.

Let’s look at it:

TP = initial F sound, aka F at the beginning of a word

AOU = long U sound

BG = final K sound, aka K at the end of a word

So, basically, you have FUKE, I guess, if I were to translate that to an English spelling.

Let’s get to the bottom of what you’re looking for — because I can tell you’re a beginning student and this is very titillating for you.

I’m fairly certain you meant TPUBG.

Sound it out, dear searcher. Change the vowel sound there and I think you have it. Short U.

Be careful, though, because that’s also a brief for the phrase “if you can” and it can make for some HIGH-larious hijinx when you’re reading your notes aloud in class and you get those two things mixed up.

HIGH-larious.

Hint: Write one TPUBG and the other TP*UBG to differentiate. Make the one you will hear most often the easiest to stroke. You’ll definitely hear TPUBG a lot, but “if you can” is likely more frequent. Just a tip from the bottom of my heart, okay?

Godspeed, you nasty little thing.

Our new landlord is in his 60s, I’d guess, and very nice. He likes to call me “dear” and, you know, that’s okay with me. I AM a dear. Or I really really want to be. So he was around yesterday to paint a vacant unit. Guess he had to evict the kid living there because he was a — how to say it nicely? — horrible filthy packrat.

So our interchange proceeded like this:

HE: This place was a disaster. A fire hazard. I just couldn’t have him here anymore. Stuff stacked everywhere. Oh, but he was a nice kid, though; he was.
ME: Hm. I never even saw him.
HE: Well, he was one of those willards.
ME: A willard?
HE: Yeah, you know, a willard.

I didn’t know. Forgive me, pippa. For a split second, I thought maybe he meant “wigger” but I didn’t want to say that because …. that would be, um, bad …. so bad …. wouldn’t it?

ME: Uh, you’re up on some slang that I just don’t know.
HE: Oh, you know. That non-violent satanic cult.
ME: Uhmm ………. a Wiccan?
HE: That’s it! A Wiccan! What did I say?
ME: A willard.
HE: A willard?
ME: I like willard better.
HE: Hahahahaha.
ME: Hahahahaha.
HE: (in a hushed voice) He had, like, 200 robes hanging around the room here.
ME: Oh.
HE: You know, for his rituals.
ME: Well, I guess.
HE: Those willards.
ME: Hahaha.

Yes, those willards. So, uhm, was my friend M on to something then?

The post I promised here.

Note to self: Don’t promise posts, you know, “coming up next.”

Additional note to self: I mean, do you not even know yourself, Trace??

I’m using my voice to write this post — I am not typing — and I feel I need to tell you all something.

The truth of how I feel about all of you.

Only one word:

Bowchickawow-wow.

Victory! Halachah of all.

Uhm, okay. Wow. Pride goes before a fall. “Halachah of all”??? What am I, Jewish??

That should be hahahahaha.

Proceed apace, pippa.

Jasper from Twilight.

Sarahk, I’m sorry. He is Edward. Scissorhands. Do I have to come up there and de-program you?

And, no, you may not pick him for The Best Thing Ever Blog Game this year. I, the game mistress, declare it!

No, Sarahk, no!

(Scolding aside, uh, who’s the Cousin Itt there in the background?)

You’re reading from something. Your new software is listening. Allegedly.

You say: Ku Klux Klanner
It writes: Cue Clocks Clatter

You say: the whore/virgin theme
It writes: door burgeoning

You say: childhood
It writes: chowderhead

No kidding. You said “childhood” and it heard “chowderhead.” Chowderhead. The software is pre-programmed with the word chowderhead but stumbles on the word childhood.

You say: bowchickawow-wow — uhm, because you’re feeling frustrated and cheeky
It writes: bald sheik aloud now

Try saying that at home, pippa, next time you’re feeling sexy: bald-sheik-aloud-now

You say: hidebound archaic tradition
It writes: hidebound archaic tradition

Wow. Flawless. Things are looking up! Then …

You say: no one — no one, for God’s sake!
It writes: no 1

Okay. Okay. Really, software? Really?? I beg of you. I’m trying to get you to “know” me, you know, “personally and exclusively” because that’s what it’s supposed to be all about, but, damn, software, you’re letting me down. And you’re driving me crazy. You know, I have to say …. I feel like you don’t really want to know me. Like you’re just not listening. I mean, we haven’t been seeing each other that long, I realize, but we’re spending a lot of time together, so I don’t understand this selective listening. And I don’t want to be one of those chicks who starts in with the nagging and the “what am I to you” conversations so early in a relationship, but then don’t spend all this time with me if you don’t mean it. I’m a girl. We think spending time means things. We can’t help it; we just do. So I just feel bummed. I thought you were into me. I mean, “no one” is No 1? Seriously? It feels like you’re not even trying anymore. I mean …. okay …. I have to ask ….. are you seeing another voice? Something a little smokier, breathier? Something that doesn’t assault your dignity and make you repeat things like bowchickawow-wow, maybe? You know, that’s sarahk’s fault. Blame her. That’s not me. I can change, software! I swear. I won’t talk to you while I’m eating, how’s that? And tomorrow, I’ll wear a low-cut top, okay? You can look at my chest all day, I promise; just listen to me, please.

What’s that, software? “Bowchickawow-wow”?

Oh, great. Now you say it.

Basically, I want to eat Jayne’s daughter. She is adorable and scrumptious and makes my mouth water. Before you freak out, I’ve confessed this to Jayne and, sadly, it’s probably just as well that I live on the opposite coast from Jayne’s delicious daughter and her little niblet teeth.

Also, please note Jayne’s gorgeous seasonal banner. And her eggs. Not HER eggs, I should say, I mean, THE eggs. The eggs. The Easter eggs.

Uhm, I can’t stop trying to make this better whilst simultaneously making it worse.

Sorry I talked about your eggs, Jayne.

Please send cookies.

Okay. So I thought I was back, but I wasn’t. Computer issues. SO boring. Don’t wanna talk about it. I really only wanna say ….

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Thank you.

Proceed apace.