the little red book 2

For all your Hallowe’en party needs, the little red book has this:

A Horror Party! Bring your favorite horror.

Each guest brings his particular aversion or the likeness of it, to add to the general awfulness of the occasion.

Comparing these horrors proves to be the best sort of fun.

One who hates rain can wear a mackintosh over her evening gown and carry an umbrella.

Another can bring a candy box, which, when opened, reveals a small green toad.

A pretty girl can come with the photograph of an admirer who will not be brought to understand that his visits bore her.

A Japanese paper snake points very conclusively to another’s particular horror.

Other horrors can be thought of, but are too numerous to mention here.

Kind of a cop-out ending, but there it is.

For some reason, I love that phrase, “the general awfulness of the occasion.”

The toad in the box trick? You ain’t doing that at MY party, princess.

And I LOVE the whole pretty girl/photograph thing. Perhaps if said admirer came to the Horror Party, he’d finally get the message ….

sal’s question

All right. Sal’s question in the comment section on my last post set me a’thinkin’. Asks Sal:

Here’s another question: who else likes films about a specific subject, within a genre? For example, I love movies about submarines, in spite of the fact that I would no more actually go down in one than fly to the moon. But I’m a complete sucker for any movie that takes place on one.

So what’s your fancy? Writing/authors, fashion, survival tales, a sport, what?

So blatantly using that as my jumping-off point (Thanks, Sal!), and after thinking about my own movie-watching habits, I offer up some of my favorite subjects:

I DO gravitate to movies about writers, actors, musicians, or the creative process in general. Some favorites:

Amadeus (F. Murray Abraham was genius in that movie)

Iris (about writer Iris Murdoch and her descent into Alzheimer’s — starring some actors I love: Judi Dench, Kate Winslet, and Jim Broadbent)

Adaptation (LOVED IT!)

Quills (Geoffrey Rush as the Marquis de Sade — amazing — oh, and Kate Winslet and Joaquin Phoenix, too)

Finding Forrester (I really liked Sean Connery in this movie)

The Shining (well, pretty much the scariest movie ever — and remember, besides being a murderer, Jack’s a writer … although, admittedly, it’s more about him as a lunatic than anything else, so this one’s kind of a cheat)

Shakespeare in Love

Tom and Viv ( about T. S. Eliot and his wife, with Willem Dafoe and Miranda Richardson)

Almost Famous (plus, the kid was a writer, no?)

Shadowlands (Oh, that Anthony Hopkins as C. S. Lewis. LOVE. THIS. MOVIE.)

The Dresser (a kind of modern retelling of “King Lear,” played out in a touring theatre company, starring the wonderful Albert Finney and Tom Courtenay)

Moulin Rouge (saw it once, hated it, saw it again, LOVED IT!)

All About Eve (rent it, rent it, rent it — Bette Davis, whew! And for you men, there’s Marilyn Monroe)

Singin’ in the Rain (my all-time favorite pick-me-up movie, considered the greatest movie musical of all time — and source of my sure-to-be lifetime crush on Gene Kelly)

Sunset Boulevard (Sweet Moses! Sunset Boulevard! William Holden, Gloria Swanson, Billy Wilder! A masterpiece, really)

All right, that’s off the top. I KNOW I’m forgetting some.

I’m also embarrassingly partial to movies about dancing/dancers:

Strictly Ballroom (SO much fun!)

Centerstage (a guilty pleasure, well, many of these are that, watched just for the dancing, even fast-forwarded to the DANCING!)

Save the Last Dance

Dirty Dancing

Saturday Night Fever

The Red Shoes

Okay. I’m done — mostly because I gotta run here. I’m sure I could go on and on, given more time. Now it’s your turn.

What specific subjects do you gravitate to in movies?

And if you’ve got a blog, you can list them there, if you’d like. Just lemme know!

Love this question, Sal! And I love that you love movies about submarines. It’s just so … wonderful and quirky.

a movie for all seasons

I have this thing I do. A sort of ritual.

I watch certain movies only during certain times of the year.

Like last weekend. I wasn’t feeling well, anyway, and it’s blustery October and the smell of fireplace fires in the air means it’s time to watch “Little Women.” The one with Winona Ryder and Susan Sarandon and a younger Kirsten Dunst. I know it may seem quaint or silly, but I watch that movie every year at this time and I feel FULL. I feel RICH. And I rewind over and over the moment where Mr. Laurence gives his little girl’s piano to Beth so that I can extend the good cry moment and sniffle accusingly through my tears what I always sniffle when a movie makes me cry: “stupid movie.”

I don’t know. For me, certain movies and certain seasons go together. And I’m not talking about “Oh, I watch ‘Miracle on 34th Street’ every Christmas.” (Which I do, but that’s a no- brainer.) I mean that other movies just FEEL like a certain season to me and so I must, I MUST watch them during that season. The funny thing now is that My Beloved has become an avid participant in the ritual. He tries to sound nonchalant, as if he’s just reminding me, but, ahem, he sits down and watches the movie, too. And this last weekend, he actually made sure we both had freshly brewed coffee and one of the pumpkin chocolate chip muffins I’d made. It was just cozy and warm in a way that San Diego isn’t usually cozy and warm. You have to be prepared to pounce if the day even hints at it — with coffee, muffins, blankets, popcorn, whatever enhances the coziness of it all.

But I wasn’t done when “Little Women” was over. No, because after that came my well-worn copy of “Sense and Sensibility,” another one of my “Autumn Movies.” I still just have it on VHS, so it wrinkles a bit at the end, and I have to plead with it to behave. But, oh, how I love it! Emma Thompson and Kate Winslet and the molasses-voiced Alan Rickman as Colonel Brandon. His voice kills me, but it’s his eyes I watch, all the subtleties that are there. And I do so love the moment when Marianne is sick and he’s been so unrequitedly in love with her and he’s loitering about her sickroom door and practically begs Elinor, “Give me an occupation, Miss Dashwood, or I shall run mad.”

Love it. LOVE. IT.

Oh, and the matchless Hugh Laurie in a small, but hysterical role as Mr. Palmer, the beleaguered husband to an annoying flibbertigibbet of a wife, who has a gift for prattling on endlessly. But I thank God for her character Charlotte (and really wonderful performance, by the way, from Imelda Staunton) because it gives Hugh Laurie the chance to have exchanges like these:

CHARLOTTE: Oh! If only this rain would stop!

MR. PALMER (from behind the paper): If only you would stop.

And that’s a little running gag in the movie — Mr. Palmer hiding from it all behind his paper and muttering these dry, sarcastic, hysterical lines.

CHARLOTTE: ….. Is it really five and a half miles? No! I cannot believe it.

MR. PALMER: Try.

(And he’s still hiding behind his paper.)

Ah! How I’m running on about this one! Well, this movie, too, has a certain resonance and richness to it FOR ME that just begs me to watch it in the autumn. These are just a few of them. I’ll spare you any more at the moment.

But when winter comes, I’ll share some of my “Winter Movies.”

Am I the only one who does this — the “this movie goes with this season” thing?

(And all you men can just leave off making fun of me for this. I’m warning you. With love. But I’m warning you.)

you just break my heart ….

…. CHARGERS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

I open up my heart to you — just a little bit — because you were pretty good to it last year and this is the thanks I get? THIS? This 20-17 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles? A game you were losing, THEN WINNING, with 2:25 left in the game, THEN LOSING after an attempted field goal was blocked and run back an unreasonable number of yards by some Eagle fellow for a touchdown.

Of course, moments later, you had a chance to AT LEAST tie the game, perhaps score, but, NO, you wieners, you FUMBLED THE BALL and it was recovered by one of those wretched Smeagols!

I hates them!!

And take your pick which team I mean when I say that.

How can you be so good and be so BAD, Chargers? You don’t deserve me and my foolish, screaming devotion. You’ve now lost 4 games by a total of only 12 points and my feeble heart can’t take it anymore. Are you trying to lose me to Figure Skating on Sunday afternoons? Don’t you want me anymore? You say you want my love, but I just don’t feel it. I don’t believe it anymore. All those promises. The promise of LaDainian. The promise of a stellar defense. The promise of a fearless Drew Brees and his magic mole. I feel so … alone and stupid and betrayed.

You leave me no choice but to cheat on you, find a team that will not abuse my love, not disdain my devotion, not force me to chow down mindlessly on Cheetos out of sheer angst and horror.

Hellloooo, Indianapolis and your sweet, sweet 7-0!!

the little red book

I’ve got this little red book, published in 1907, that I bought at a garage sale several years ago. I think I paid 50 cents for it.

It’s a dusty old thing entitled, “Parties and Entertainments” and I absolutely love it. It’s chock full of ideas for hosting ANY kind of gathering, circa 1907, of course. But therein lies the beauty of it, the simple, quaint antiquity of it all!

So with the holidays virtually upon us, I thought I’d share some party ideas from the little red book. You just never know when an old idea might seem new again. And if not new, then just old and weird and funny.

Here’s a portion of the little red book’s ideas for “Hallowe’en”:

If you are fond of entertaining, Hallowe’en is an ideal night for a party of young men and maidens. Your invitations may read —

“Miss Blank requests th pleasure of Mr. Blank’s company on Monday evening, October the thirty-first at eight o’clock.

She begs that he will come prepared to participate in the celebration of Hallowe’en.”

I like this one:

In the center of the room is suspended the “pendulum,” a paper bag laden with sweets for the guests to break by means of a sharp sword or knife, while blindfolded.

(Ah, yes — wielding a sharp sword or knife WHILE BLINDFOLDED — that’ll liven up a party!)

Then, there’s this, too:

Half walnut shells may be floated in a tub of water by means of tiny sails made from toothpicks and bits of paper. On the paper is written one’s own initial and those of another. The boats are all started at once and the water is agitated. If your ship goes down at sea, you will not win your lover, but happy are the ones whose ships come safely over the troubled water.

Priceless.

But these are not ships on troubled water. These are walnut boats. With toothpick masts. And paper sails. Floating in a tub.

BUT I DON’T CARE — I STILL WANT TO DO IT!!

(Stay tuned for more ideas from the little red book …. later ….)

“mawidge is a dweam ….

…. wiffin a dweam,” says The Impressive Clergyman in “The Princess Bride.”

Ah, yes. It’s a dweam, awwight.

In honor of last weekend’s nuptials of my blog buddies, WordGirl and Teflon from MoltenThought — and because they decided to take my suggestion to have a “Virtual Wedding Shower” — here are my “virtual” contributions to the happy couple, now honeymooning in Ireland. Perhaps you’ll sense a theme. AND sense that I know absolutely NOTHING about my theme. But I am stubbornly undaunted by my ignorance, which is a hallmark of the truly ignorant.

So here we go.

Well, lovebirds, start your day with a little bit ‘o’ this. Uh, don’t get up. Someone can bring it to you, I’m sure:

irish breakfast tea

Along with that, goes this, of course:

lucky charms

And don’t worry. I learned years ago that that creepy leprechaun can’t really see you.

Later, you may find yourself wanting an energizing snack. These looked good to me:

oh ryans

Now, actually, I believe these have absolutely no potato in them at all. They are coconut creme and cinnamon and … well, one would ASSUME potato-free. But coconut has heaps of healing properties and cinnamon is some kind of antioxidant, so even though this is, well, candy, I’m sure it’s tremendously good for you. Let’s face it. Someone has to look after your health at a time like this. I’m sure you’re not.

Let’s see. I think I have another little snacky for you. Hang on. Okay! I think I got yer potatoes! They’re “crisps” of SOMETHING, so I’m guessing — POTATOES!

tatyto

Have them with a wee bit ‘o’ this:

whisky

And don’t you worry your tired little heads. I’m buyin’. And apparently, sparing no expense. Holy Moly! Turns out, this stuff is tres expensive, with each bottle having its own serial number and whatnot. Wow. Such extravagance. I either really like you or have my own reasons for getting you drunk. Watch your pockets. My hands are small, but lightning fast.

Now, sightseeing can be SO exhausting, don’t you agree? And we all know how HOT it is over in Ireland, especially right now …. you know, this time of year and all, what with the humidity and “the heat, MY GOD, the HEAT!”

At least this is what I’ve always heard and what my public education taught me. I mean, am I wrong?

I imagine you’ll need a refreshing shower after a day of such enervating activities. So take your pick:

soap

This is some kind of Irish Wool Fat Soap. I’m both repulsed by the name and mesmerized by little Fiona Bo-Peep and her perky bonnet and the cozy cottage on the hillside. But don’t let Fair Fiona’s loving hand on the wee woolly lamb fool you. Oh, no. Because after she’s done stealing his wool fat and making a batch of pretty, fatty soap, you can bet she’s gonna be making a big ol’ pot ‘o’ this.

Yummy! Have it with a pint of this:

Wait. Sorry. I forgot. The other refreshing soap. Well, there’s always a classic:

 irish spring

You just might be needing an icy blast about now. 😉

Now, how about a movie starring that great Irish actor, Peter O’Toole:

I’m inordinately fond of “Lawrence of Arabia,” “Lion in Winter,” and “My Favorite Year.” Just some ideas for when you’re tired of sightseeing.

Or maybe you’re not tired.

Now, let’s not forget the great Irish actresses. For instance, who doesn’t love that Rosie O’Donnell:

Really, what to say except that I’m inordinately grateful that she quit her show and got her face OUTTA MINE and never sullied a Peter O’Toole movie by being IN a Peter O’Toole movie.

Then I thought this was rather nice and might remind you of The One who knits you together:

And finally, you lovebirds, this traditional Irish blessing, from me to you:

May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
May the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again,
May the Lord hold you in the palm of His hand.

Oh, wait. This guy wants in on it, too:

Well, seems it’s not an event until Lord of the Pants shows up. So sorry. He insisted. Don’t worry. I kicked him hard in the groin with my own freakishly fast feet, so they’ll be no Flatley Foot Flailing at THIS wedding.

Whew.

CONGRATULATIONS AND MUCH HAPPINESS TO YOU BOTH!

my first book!

Well, nah, it’s not THAT.

A while back, my mom gave me a box full of my old grade school art projects and report cards and, ah, “writings.” Digging through it, I found my first “book.” A lovely little thing, actually, bound in thin cardboard covered in an icy, pale green tapestry. I know I had nothing to do with that pretty, textured binding; I was only in first grade. It was simply given to me and, in it, I wrote my magnum opus, carefully writing and erasing on that beige, wide-lane paper designed to stretch childish letters to absurd, wobbly heights. Really, that paper only encourages excess and grandiose notions in the already megalomanaical minds of grade school younguns. It’s not right. I actually thought I had written A BOOK! It was a true epic, all of 10 pages, including the priceless crayon artwork by the author.

So I share it with you now, dear readers, complete with the original punctuation, spelling, and capitalization. Perhaps you will see glimpses of a burgeoning genius.
Or …. perhaps just flashes of mania from a six-year-old mind obsessed with …. the Easter bunny.

That’s right. THE EASTER BUNNY.

The title of my tome was …. wait for it …. “Easter Bunny.”

I wish I could share the original artwork with you. Suffice it to say that I seemed unable to remember the color of the bunny from one page to the next and that I thought eggs were round. And black. What kind of sick, SICK Easter Bunny I was peddling, I have NO idea!

But here it is:

It was the. day before. Easter the. bunny. was ready

he had a basket full of egg and he was
(page turn)

Happy the sun shone and it was pretty then after he was done he went (page turn)

to bed and he slept at home and what a beautifull evening!

And he Slept all through the day And he was done He slept and slept (page turn)

And slept his eggs wer Pretty

The end

Okay. On the plus side:

Uhh … well … I used the correct verb — the sun “shone,” not “shined.”

I almost spelled “beautiful” correctly. At first glance, I thought I had. However, a closer look reveals an additional shadowy “L.” So I must cop to it. Drat.

I did, however, show unusual sensitivity for the sheer exhaustion that ol’ Easter Bunny MUST feel when he’s done delivering those black eggs to all the children of the world.

On the minus side:

My absolute obsession with periods in the beginning.

My utter disregard for them anywhere else.

“A basket full of egg”?! Not “eggs” — “EGG.” Is anybody else picturing a hoppy, little bunny with a basket full of jiggly, rotten goo? Ugh.

I almost nailed “beautiful” but couldn’t seem to manage “were.”

Notice the out-of-place capitalizations: Happy. Sleep. Pretty. These things were obviously very important to me.

Howevah …. since when is Sleep important to a six-year-old? Maybe I was narcoleptic, but I don’t remember it.

Poor dumb bunny.

Poor dumb sleepy bunny.

a wee obsession of mine

For some inexplicable reason, I’m a little bonkers about the history of the British monarchs. More particularly, the history and relationship between Queen
Elizabeth I and Mary, Queen of Scots.

Right now, I find myself in the midst of a re-read of “Mary, Queen of Scots” by Antonia Fraser. Really, the details of Mary’s execution (on the orders of Elizabeth I) are chilling and gruesome and fascinating. Fascinating in a chilling and gruesome way, you see. So in keeping with a good friend’s theory that if you’re reading or watching something gruesome, you absolutely MUST share it in order to purge or even manage the horror in your head, I’ll be sharing portions of this bit of history with you here.

Your turn for the bad dreams.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

But it IS interesting. Unless you don’t care for history. Then, I suppose it’s not, really.

(Now some very brief background before you read — Mary had been imprisoned in England for 19 years and was tried illegally — a sovereign of a foreign country tried for treason against a queen to whom she was not subject. But Mary WAS an incredibly divisive figure. Catholics loved her; Protestants hated her. English Catholics considered her the rightful heir of their throne and she DID have a legitimate claim to it. She and Elizabeth I were cousins, both descendants of Henry VII. But Mary, an extremely bright, charismatic women, ruled with her heart, trusted where she shouldn’t have, and lost her life for it. I imagine that one of these women would have HAD to die; the existence of one was too threatening for the other. And, in the end, Elizabeth was the one who kept her head, in more ways than one.)

Anyway, the excerpt. It’s long, but it reads fast, I think. Read through to the end for some rather … unexpected moments. And watch out for that pit-in-your-stomach feeling.

Starting the night before her execution:

She did not try to sleep. Her women gathered round her already wearing their black garments of mourning, and Mary asked Jane Kennedy to read aloud the life of some great sinner. The life of the good thief was chosen, and as the story reached its climax on the cross, Mary observed aloud: “In truth he was a great sinner, but not so great as I have been.” She then closed her eyes and said nothing further. Throughout the night the sound of hammering came from the great hall where the scaffold was being erected. The queen lay on her bed without sleeping, eyes closed and a half smile on her face.

The day now dawned fine and sunny; it was one of those unexpected early February days when it suddenly seems possible that spring will come. It was between eight and nine when a loud knocking was heard at the door and a messenger shouted through it that the lords were waiting for the queen. Mary asked for a moment to finish her prayers, at which the lords outside in a moment of panic feared some sort of last-minute resistance might be planned, unable to believe in the courage of their captive. But when they entered, they found Mary kneeling quietly in prayer in front of the crucifix which hung above the altar.

It was this crucifix which her groom now bore before her as she was escorted towards the great hall. The queen was totally calm and showed no signs of fear or distress. Her bearing was regal, and some of the observers afterwards even described her as cheerful and smiling. The last moment of agony came in the entry chamber to the hall, when her servants were held back from following her and the queen was told that she was to die quite alone, by the orders of Elizabeth. Melville (her steward), distracted at this unlooked-for blow, fell on his knees in tears. The queen dashed away her own tears and said gently: “You ought to rejoice and not to weep for that the end of Mary Stuart’s troubles is now done. Thou knowest, Melville, that all this world is but vanity and full of troubles and sorrows.”

Mary now turned to the lords and pleaded with them to allow at least some of her servants to be with her at the death, so that they could later report the manner of her death in other countries. Kent replied that her wish could not well be granted for before the execution her servants were sure to cry out and upset the queen herself, as well as disquieting the company, while afterwards they might easily attempt to dip their napkins in her blood for relics which, said Kent grimly, “were not convenient.”

“My lord,” replied Mary, “I will give you my word and promise for them that they shall not do any such thing as your lordship hath named. Alas, poor souls, it would do them good to bid me farewell.” After hurried whispered consultations, the lords relented and Melville, Jane Kennedy, and Elizabeth Curle and two others were allowed to go forward with the queen.

Mary now entered the great hall in silence. The spectators gathered there — about 300 of them — gazed with awe and apprehension at this legendary figure whose dramatic career was about to be ended before their eyes. They saw a tall and gracious woman, dressed in black, save for the long, white lace-edged veil which flowed down her back to the ground like a bride’s, and the white stiffened and peaked head-dress, that too edged with lace, below which gleamed her auburn hair. Her satin dress of black was embroidered with black velvet, with black acorn buttons of jet trimmed with pearl; through the slashed sleeves could be seen inner sleeves of purple. She held a crucifix and a prayer book in her hand, and two rosaries hung down from her waist. Despite the fact that Mary’s shoulders were now bowed and stooping with illness and her figure grown full with the years, she walked with immense dignity. Time and suffering had long ago rubbed away the delicate youthful charm of her face, but to many of the spectators, her extraordinary composure and serenity had its own beauty.

In the centre of the great hall was set a wooden stage, all hung with black. On it were two stools for Shrewsbury and Kent and beside them, also draped in black, the block, and a little cushioned stool on which it was intended the queen should sit while she was disrobed. The great axe was already lying there.

Once led up the three steps of the stage, the queen listened patiently while the commission for her execution was read aloud. Her expression never changed. The first sign of emotion was wrung from her when the Protestant dean of Peterborough stepped forward and proposed to harangue the queen according to the rites of the Protestant religion. “Mr. Dean,” said the queen firmly, “I am settled in the ancient Catholic Roman religion and mind to spend my blood in defence of it.” Shrewsbury and Kent both exhorted her to listen to him, and even offered to pray with the queen, but all these proposals Mary resolutely rejected. “If you will pray with me, my lords,” she said, “I will thank you, but to join in prayer I will not, for that you and I are not of one religion.” And when the dean, in answer to the earls’ direction, finally knelt down on the scaffold steps and started to pray out loud and at length, in a prolonged and rhetorical style as though determined to force his way into the pages of history, Mary still paid no attention but turned away and started to pray aloud out of her own book in Latin, in the midst of these prayers, sliding off her stool on to her knees. When the dean was at last finished, the queen changed her prayers and began to pray out loud in English for the afflicted English Catholic church, for her son, and for Elizabeth, that she might serve God in the years to come. Kent remonstrated with her: “Madam, settle Christ Jesus in your heart and leave those trumperies.”

But the queen prayed on, asking God to avert his wrath from England and calling on the saints to intercede for her, and so she kissed the crucifix she held, and crossing herself, ended: “Even as Thy arms, O Jesus, were spread here upon the cross, so receive me into Thy arms of mercy and forgive me all my sins.”

When the queen’s prayers were finished, the executioners asked her, as was customary, to forgive them in advance for bringing about her death. Mary answered immediately: “I forgive you with all my heart, for now I hope you shall make an end of all my troubles.” Then the executioners, helped by Jane Kennedy and Elizabeth Curle, assisted the queen to undress. Kent noticed that she undressed so quickly, that it seemed as if she was in haste to be gone out of the world. Stripped of her black, she stood in a red velvet petticoat and it was seen that above it, she wore a red satin bodice, trimmed with lace; one of her women handed her a pair of red sleeves, and it was thus wearing all red, the color of blood and the liturgical color of martyrdom in the Catholic Church, that the queen of Scots died.

According to their usual practice, the executioners stretched forth their hands for the queen’s ornaments which were their perquisites. When they touched the long golden rosary, Jane Kennedy protested, and the queen intervened and said that they would be compensated with money in its place. She retained her composure sufficiently to remark wryly of the executioners that she had never before had such grooms of the chamber to make her ready. It was the queen’s women who could not contain themselves as they wept and crossed themselves and muttered snatches of Latin prayers. Finally Mary had to turn to them and admonish them softly: “Ne crie point pour moi. J’ai promis pour vous …”

The time had come for Jane Kennedy to bind the queen’s eyes with the white cloth embroidered in gold which Mary herself had chosen for the purpose the night before. Jane first kissed the cloth and then wrapped it gently round her mistress’s eyes and over her head so that her hair was covered as by a white turban and only the neck left completely bare. The two women then withdrew from the stage. The queen without even now the faintest sign of fear, knelt down once more on the cushion in front of the block. She recited aloud in Latin the psalm, In te Domino confido, non confundar in aeternum — In you Lord is my trust, let me never be confounded — and then feeling for the block, she laid her head down upon it, placing her chin carefully with both hands, so that if one of the executioners had not moved them back, they too would have lain in the direct line of the axe.

The queen stretched out her arms and legs and cried: “In manus tuas, Domine, confide spiritum meum” — “Into your hand, O Lord, I commend my spirit” — three or four times. When the queen was lying there quite motionless, the executioner’s assistant put his hand on her body to steady it for the blow. Even so, the first blow, as it fell, missed the neck and cut into the back of the head. The queen’s lips moved, and her servants thought they heard the whispered words: “Sweet Jesus.” The second blow severed the neck, all but the smallest sinew, and this was severed by using the axe as a saw. It was about ten o’clock in the morning of Wednesday, 8 February, the queen of Scots being then aged forty-four years old and in the nineteenth year of her English captivity.

In the great hall of Fotheringhay, before the wondering eyes of the crowd, the executioner now held aloft the dead woman’s head, crying out as he did so: “God save the Queen.” The lips still moved and continued to do so for a quarter of an hour after the death. But at this moment, weird and moving spectacle, the auburn tresses in his hand came apart from the skull and the head itself fell to the ground. It was seen that Mary Stuart’s own hair had in fact been quite grey and very short at the time of her death. For her execution she had chosen to wear a wig. The spectators were stunned by the unexpected sight and remained silent. It was left to the dean of Peterborough to call out strongly: “So perish all the Queen’s enemies, ” and for Kent standing over the corpse to echo: “Such be the end of all the Queen’s and all the Gospel’s enemies.” But Shrewsbury could not speak and his face was wet with tears.

It was now time for the executioners to strip the body of its remaining adornments before handing it over to the embalmers. But at this point, a strange and pathetic memorial to that devotion which Mary Stuart had always aroused in those who knew her intimately was discovered: her little lap dog, a Skye terrier, which had managed to accompany her into the hall under her long skirts, now crept out from beneath her petticoat and in its distress, stationed itself piteously beneath the severed head and shoulders of the body. Nor would it be coaxed away, but steadfastly and uncomprehendingly clung to the solitary thing it could find which still reminded it of its mistress. To all others save this poor animal, the sad corpse lying so still on the floor of the stage, in its red clothes against which the blood stains scarcely showed, with its face now sunken to that of an old woman in the harsh disguise of death, bore little resemblance to her whom they had known only a short while before as Mary Queen of Scots. The spirit had fled the body. The chain was loosed to let the captive go.

(A final note: That little dog was washed and washed again, although it later refused to eat and pined away for its mistress. Queen Elizabeth turned on her secretary for daring to use the warrant of execution she herself had signed. She claimed it had been simply “for safety’s sake,” and had the man thrown in prison. Mary’s attendants were STILL kept in prison and were not allowed to return to their native countries, despite the fact that Mary had so vehemently stipulated this at the end. And who succeeded Elizabeth I? Why, Mary’s Protestant son, James — who did nothing to save his mother, by the way. He became James VI of Scotland and James I of England, finally uniting the two countries. )

sudoku

My Beloved was immersed in a work project this weekend. I thought I’d pine away, but unfortunately, I stumbled upon something vexing to occupy a little too much of my time.

This is Sudoku:

Some of you may already know of it. It’s really just a wretched little puzzle game using wretched little NUMBERS, but it has now become my White Whale and what Ahab felt of THAT beast, I now feel about mine:

All that most maddens and torments; all that stirs up the lees of things; all truth with malice in it; all that cracks the sinews and cakes the brain; all the subtle demonisms of life and thought; all evil, to crazy Ahab, where visibly personified, and made practically assailable in Moby Dick.

Or Sudoku.

The rules are maddeningly simple: Enter the numbers from 1 to 9 into the blank spaces. Every row must contain one of each number. So must every column, as must every 3×3 square. THERE MUST BE NO DUPLICATES. Got it? ‘Course you do.

Some of you might be saying, “So? So what? What’s the big deal? S’easy.”

Well, that’s all very nice for you, but I wish you smartypants would please go away and leave us dummypants to drool alone in our OWN DUMB PANTS.

You see, for someone like me who breaks into a sweat at the sight of numbers and whimpers at the mere thought of math, this is a challenge. Any gifts I have … lie elsewhere. So why do it? Well, for that very reason — because I think there’s a part of my brain that just limps along, or worse, gets dragged along by the stronger parts of my brain, or worse, has been viciously rubbed out, leaving only a faded chalk outline of a once decent chunk of brain. Whatever the problem, that chunk needs help … if it’s not too late.

Actually, there’s no math involved, thank God. Rather, the game involves logic — but logic WITH NUMBERS, and therein lies the rub, you see.

And don’t you even tell me that I’m a “geek,” because I imagine a genuine “geek” could do these with ease.

And don’t you even tell me you “did it in 5 minutes.” Even if it’s true.

Better yet, just DON’T do it in 5 minutes.

So if you’d like to try one, go here and play for free.