beyond the pale – Page 133

September 2, 2007

more results — the best thing ever: america!

The latest, latest:

*NSYNC (Justine Henin BEL)

IN TYPICAL BOY-BAND FASHION, MADE A YOUNG GIRL HAVE ALL KINDS OF HOPES AND DREAMS AND THEN RUTHLESSLY CRUSHED THEM — AND HER LEMONADE STAND, TOO — BY KNOCKING

OPPORTUNITY (Dinara Safina RUS)

OUT OF THE TOURNAMENT.

Later, though, they followed her around singing, Would you be my girlfriend? Would you be my girlfriend? Why don’t you be my girlfriend? which is just plain creepy and manipulative. Reel ‘er in, break ‘er heart, reel ‘er in, break ‘er heart. Sick, *NSYNC. SICK. Stop messing with the poor girl’s head.

Sorry, Opportunity.

Asked for comment later about their bizarre behavior, *NSYNC simply said, “Nah nah-nah nah nah. Nah nah-nah nah. Be together say Nah nah-nah nah nah nah nah.”

Which, frankly, we neither understand nor care to.

In another heartbreaker NOT brought on by *NSYNC …..

THE LIBERTY BELL (Jelena Jankovic SRB)

LOUDLY PROCLAIMED THE LIBERTY OF

AMERICAN IDOL (Sybille Bammer AUT)

ALLLL ACROSS THE FRUITED PLAIN!

Poorla’s head was cracked in the process. Luckily, she sustained no damage.

Our condolences, but sad Boo-Byes welcome, of course.

September 2, 2007September 3, 2007

sad chairs

50 Sad Chairs, a project by artist Bill Keaggy.

I love this whole idea. Our relationship to chairs. How they seem without us. How they seem — yes — sad without us. How their loneliness makes us sad, too. Sometimes — actually, most of the time, I think — a chair is not just a chair. If you have a favorite chair, you have a relationship with it. Don’t laugh. You do. There’s an alchemy between a person and their favorite chair. A symbiosis. You are one, you and your chair. I mean, think of a chair you’ve loved. The chair that was the coziest. The softest. The most comfortable. The one that fit your particular lumps perfectly and soothed each and every one of them every time you sat in it, without fail. That chair. If you don’t have it anymore, you miss it. And if you still have it, it’s the place you want to be at the end of a troublesome day. Or any day. The place that welcomes you and holds you and makes you go “ahhhh.” That’s love. You love that chair, whatever kind of chair it is, however old it is, however old you are. You will always love that chair. Maybe even pine for that chair.

When I was 7 years old, for reasons I began to tell in this post and will probably never be able to finish, I began an intense, obsessive, needy relationship with our rocking chair. I mean, I wore that thing out. Probably tested every last spring it had. Maybe even wore out my welcome a million times over while it suffered in stoic silence. But I loved it so. I needed it so. It was a crushed yellow velvet creature with box pleats and was basically glaring and ugly. Actually, it was probably velveteen, now that I think about it. Probably not the real deal or I wouldn’t have been allowed to sit in it. We’d had it for several years and no one in the family sat in it but me. It was mostly considered a good chair, a guest chair, you know? And, well, guests would sit in it, awkwardly, struggling and trying to hide it, but I could always tell because I would watch them. Closely. I wasn’t allowed to sit there if guests were visiting — and that made me kind of antsy, really — so from my quiet swatch of carpet nearby, I’d sneak little anxious peeks at them. The way they squirmed. Their shifting positions. Their restless legs. Their furrowed brows giving it away: Do I sit still here? Do I rock in this thing? Do I sit on the very edge and pretend it’s not a rocking chair? Always, they struggled with it and that’s how I knew that they did not understand the chair. Maybe they resented the chair, even, for the anxiety it put them through. And let’s not forget, it was yellow and glaring and ugly. Stupid chair, I could almost hear them thinking.

But me, I never tried to figure out how to sit in the chair. It was a rocking chair. You rocked. That’s what it did; that’s what you did. I always felt like we understood each other. There was no awkward struggle, no furrowed brow. Just sit and do what the chair is supposed to do. Rock. Rock. Rock again. Simple. And for me, at that time in my life, that chair was a kind of savior. It always embraced me. It was always waiting. It never rejected me. It made no demands. It listened to me. And I swear, it understood. To this day, you cannot tell me that chair did not understand how terrified I’d become of life. Its soft steady rocking was comfort and sympathy to me. And, yes, it was yellow and glaring and ugly, but I always thought it looked like gold. A golden chair in streaming sunlight. Every day, after school, it was the first place I’d go. My brother would instantly charge outside to play. My sister would retreat to our room to do homework. And I would tiptoe to the chair and crawl in. Through the window beside the chair, I could see kids in the park across the street, playing, riding bikes, chasing each other. But I couldn’t do that, couldn’t bring myself to do that. No. I wasn’t ready. Not yet. When I came home after a whole day at school with all those kids who didn’t know how scared I was, what I needed most was to rock in the chair. What I needed most was a break from holding my breath and pretending I wasn’t scared. So the chair let me breathe. Stop pretending. Be a quavering mass of fears until the rocking calmed me down. Let me sleep. Helped me forget.

My family would mock me, call me lazy if I stayed too long in the chair when there was homework or chores to be done, but I needed things right then in that stretch of my life that I could not possibly verbalize. I didn’t have the vocabulary. I was 7 years old, for God’s sake. I didn’t even know the word trauma. What little kid does? I didn’t know what else to do with my mute fears, so I would slink to the golden chair near the big window and let the honey light pour through all the dark places. Every day. Over and over. And I did it all the way through high school. All my life, I’ve struggled to “get over things,” move on, be bouncy! resilient! I don’t get over things easily or quickly; I never have; I probably never will, and I imagine this is where it all started and why I needed that chair so much. I thank God for it. My chair. In the end, that chair knew me, knew things about me, all there was to know, without rejecting me. It knew me and endured me and healed me. That chair gave me grace. Like a savior.

I miss my chair and what we were together.

Because, really, a chair is never just a chair.

September 2, 2007September 2, 2007

results — the best thing ever: america

The latest, up-to-datest, from The Open. Sadly, two of you have been boo-byed.

Sing it with me now:

And the rockets red glaaaare
The lobs bursting in aaaaair
Gave proof through the, uhm — — fiiiiighhhht
That our flag was still therrrrre …..

Yes, it’s true. The Star-Spangled Banner in triumph doth wave, for earlier today it was ….

OLD GLORY (Serena Williams USA)

waving boo-bye to

MARK TWAIN (Marion Bartoli FRA)

It would seem, on closer analysis, that Mr. Twain’s primary exercise regimen of “sleeping and resting” may actually have failed him here.

Alas and Farewell, Mr. Twain!

In other court action, we had …..

GENE WILDER (Venus Williams USA)

snatching a Golden Ticket to the Quarterfinals out of the chocolate-covered hands of

BASEBALL (Ana Ivanovic SRB)

Summer’s over, boys! Toodle-loo, Baseball!

Now …. let’s observe a moment of silence for Mark Twain and Baseball, valiant warriors each, apart from the not exercising and excessive chocolate eating. Still. They were each some kind of warrior here. Valiant/foolhardy. Potato/Potawto.

Any Boo-Byes, gentlemen?

September 1, 2007September 2, 2007

the best thing ever: america — sunday matchups!

Sunday’s matchups ARE:

OLD GLORY (Serena Williams USA)

MARK TWAIN (Marion Bartoli FRA)

AND …..

BASEBALL (Ana Ivanovic SRB)

GENE WILDER (Venus Williams USA)

ALSO …..

OPPORTUNITY (Dinara Safina RUS)

*NSYNC (Justine Henin BEL)

LASTLY, BUT NOT LEASTLY …..

THE LIBERTY BELL (Jelena Jankovic SRB)

GOES UP AGAINST

AMERICAN IDOL (Sybille Bammer AUT)

Great matchups! Fabuloso!! Can’t wait for the results. Good luck and good games to everyone!

And especially, if necessary, good boo-byes. 😉

September 1, 2007September 2, 2007

the best thing ever: america — more player assignments!

All right, you bowl sitters. You — well, all of you but one, whose result is still pending — are bowl sitters no more!!

We have drawn you out of your stagnant ceramic bowl existence and matched you up with some world-class players! Thrilling players! And don’t forget, you are tied to your player until THE END. You now have a destiny. A purpose. A reason to go on yet one more wearisome day. Etc. Of course, if you lose, all bets are off on that whole destiny-purpose thing I just said.

So the players. The players. Oh, it’s good, peeps. It’s gooood. There have been some MAJOR upsets in today’s matches to get to this round of 16!

Three of you here are unseeded players (meaning, you don’t have a ranking in this tournament), BUT don’t let that get you down because you are kicking some serious hiney!

Here’s what happened:

One of you unseeded players beat the No. 11 seed. (And yes, it’s “seed.” I know it seems like it should be “seat,” but it ain’t.)

One of you plowed over the No. 7 seed.

One of you unseeded players beat Martina Hingis, 16th seed, and all da shiz in Women’s Tennis just a few years back.

And one of you, a mere teenager, scored the biggest upset of the day, ousting defending US Open Champion, 2nd seed in this year’s tournament, not to mention reigning tennis hot-hot-hottie, Maria Sharapova!

Phhhhew! You guys rock! There are gonna be some nailbiters this year! YEEE-HAA!

Also, frankly, thank GOD I can just refer to you as your Thing. Most of these names are inutterable, finger-twisting klonskavadzekovalenko dealios. So praise the Lord above for blessed names like Dean. Mar-tin. Goo-gul. Jazz. Ham-il-ton. Additionally, praise the Lord for meee, the genius divinely inspired to rob these players of their names and their talent and their very humanity and use it for The Best Thing Ever Blog Game! Hallelujah!

All right now. Don’t get me all hopped up on the wonder that is me or I’ll just never stop talkin’.

So here we go. Player assignments, along with links for you to bio/photos of the players. Again, feel free to fall in love with everything about your player. I really think it’s essential to your overall enjoyment and satisfaction. I mean, like I always say, “Love must exist before dehumanization or dehumanization means nothing. Nothing!”

Okay. PRRO-ceed:

Dean Martin â€” WordGirl
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Victoria Azarenka (BLR) The upstart who beat Martina Hingis.

PostSecret â€” red fish
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Svetlana Kuznetsova (RUS)

The Constitution â€” Cullen
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Julia Vakulenko (UKR)

Alexander Hamilton â€” sheila
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Agnes Szavay (HUN) Little rascal who beat the No. 7 seed.

Denzel Washington â€” Kathi
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Tamira Paszek (AUT) Look at you, Denzel, you sexy chocolate bear — beating the No. 11 seed!

Jazz â€” Katie
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Agnieszka Radwanska (POL) Jazz girl is the 30th seed, 18-year-old kid who BEAT reigning US Open champ Maria Sharapova. WOW. Jazz hot, baby!

Google â€” Sarah
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Anna Chakvetadze (RUS) Oh, and watch out, Maria Sharapova! Google girl could be the new tennis hottie!

Paul Bunyan — Anita
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Sahar Peer (ISR)

There you go! You are your Thing. Your Thing is now your Player. Your Player plays to serve your Thing. Which sounds wrong somehow. I dunno. You figure it out. Just keep me out of it, ‘kay?

Match-ups posted soon. Work on your sad boo-byes.

And see you on the court, peeps.

August 31, 2007September 2, 2007

the best thing ever: america — player assignments!

All righty. Half of you are about to learn your U. S. Open Women’s Singles Player!!

The rest of you are still on slips of paper sitting quietly in our Impartial Best Thing Ever Blog Game Bowls and will be assigned as soon as the matches have been played that dwindle those players down to eight.

So, MB and I randomly drew these from our aforementioned bowls with drumroll sound effects and The Simpsons playing in the background, to add to the general solemnity of the occasion. I’ve added links to some info/photos of the players so you can learn a bit about yours, if you like. Oh, and may I say that some of you are verrry pretty ponies? (Mazeltov, Baseball! And also Gene Wilder! Finally!)

The Women’s draw is really exciting and unpredictable this year. Any of you could win this — that includes those of you still sitting quietly in my bowl.

So hang on!

Here we go. Player assignments — first half:

Opportunity â€” ricki
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Dinara Safina (RUS)

Old Glory â€” Sal
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Serena Williams (USA)

Baseball â€” Lisa
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Ana Ivanovic (SRB)

Mark Twain â€” nightfly
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Marion Bartoli (FRA)

American Idol â€” Maggie May
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Sybille Bammer (AUT)

Gene Wilder â€” Brian
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Venus Williams (USA)

The Liberty Bell â€” Kate P
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Jelena Jankovic (SRB)

*NSYNC â€” sarahk
US Open Women’s Singles Player: Justine Henin (BEL)

Okay. That’s it for now. Read up on your player. Check them out. Fall in love. And you bowl sitters … just sit tight. I promise I won’t eat Trader Joe’s O’s on top of you or anything. You’re safe where you are until your big moment!

See you on the court, peeps.

August 31, 2007September 2, 2007

the best thing ever: america

Oh, I forgot to mention. Since I used the men’s draw for Wimbledon, I decided to use the women’s draw this time around. Just to mix it up.

August 30, 2007September 2, 2007

the playahs + images

All right. It’s embarrassing — I can’t believe how long it took to find images I liked for a few of these. What is wrong with me??

(And uhm, Denzel? I love you, but, hon? Why do you look perfectly the same in evvvery photo of you? Why? Why? doriangray doriangray doriangray)

Well, anyhoo, it is finished and …

Here you ARE, in all your living, dead, real, pretend, papery, intangible GLORY!!

Alexander Hamilton â€” sheila

The Constitution â€” Cullen

â€˜NSYNC â€” sarahk

Baseball â€” Lisa

The Liberty Bell â€” Kate P

Jazz â€” Katie

Old Glory â€” Sal

Opportunity â€” ricki

Gene Wilder â€” Brian

Google â€” Sarah

Mark Twain â€” nightfly

American Idol â€” Maggie May

Denzel Washington â€” Kathi

Dean Martin â€” WordGirl

PostSecret â€” red fish

Paul Bunyan — Anita

August 28, 2007September 2, 2007

the playahs: the best thing ever, america

Okay. Here’s our final list. Images will be up for your Thing sometime tomorrow, Thursday. I’m still searching for some of them!

HERE ARE THE PLAYERS:

1) Alexander Hamilton — sheila

2) The Constitution — Cullen

3) ‘NSYNC — sarahk

4) Baseball — Lisa

5) The Liberty Bell — Kate P

6) Old Glory — Sal

7) Opportunity — ricki

8) Jazz — Katie

9) Gene Wilder — Brian

10) Mark Twain — nightfly

11) American Idol — Maggie May

12) Google — Sarah

13) Denzel Washington — Kathi

14) Dean Martin — WordGirl

15) PostSecret — red fish

16) Paul Bunyan — Anita

Stay tuned to be assigned to your U.S. Open Player. The tournament hasn’t progressed that far yet, but we are prepared!

August 28, 2007September 2, 2007

because I need me some fun!

All right, peeps. I’m in desperate need of some fun. It’s hot. Hot is not fun. Boheme is rife with crazies. Crazies are not fun. And I have a hangnail. And as everyone knows, hangnails are BARELY SURVIVABLE!!

Soooo …. uhm, guess what’s going on in the world of tennis?

Wait. Is that sarahk I hear? What’s that, sarahk? Yes! You’re right! The U.S. Open!!

That means it’s time again for:

THE BEST THING EVER BLOG GAME!!

AMERICAN VERSION!!

And you’re not sick of it. You’re NOT, dammit. I say so.

All right. Remember how this works? Please say yes. I explained it badly here, if you need to revisit the explanation I gave for Wimbledon. It’s the same dealio; just with America.

So I need 16 people to leave their pick in the comments here for The Best Thing Ever to come out of the good ol’ US of A. It can be a thing, a person, an event. Whatever. It’s your choice: The Best Thing Ever: America.

Remember: I take these entries on a first-come, first-served basis. With our English version, there were lots of people de-lurking to enter. De-lurkers are always welcome, of course, but you should be aware that your comments go into moderation first. Still, I will try my dern’dest to get to these as quickly as I can. Also, duplicate entries will be decided based on who got here first.

Once play at The Open gets down to the Round of 16, each Best Thing Ever will be assigned randomly to an Open player using our impartial Best Thing Ever bowls. In The Best Thing Ever, basically, you as a person no longer exist, so in that sense, you will know what it is like to work at Boheme and we will share a moment of strange solidarity.

You are Your Thing and Your Thing is Your Player.

How your player does in The Open is how your Best Thing Ever does in this game. Got it?

Oh, and it’s ruthless single elimination here.

Winner gets A POUND OF THE BEST COFFEE EVER!!

Eventually!!

(Right, Sheila?)

Also, because I’m a rather whimsical creature, I’m adding a wrinkle this time ’round: If your Thing/Player is eliminated, I think it would be fun if you make a post-match comment as your Thing explaining what the heck your problem was, why you lost, venting against the winner, whatever you think your Thing would say if interviewed after its unfortunate elimination. Make it as punny and silly and dramatic and bitter as you like. Say your “Thing” is Abe Lincoln and you lose. And maybe your Loser Comment starts with, oh, I don’t know: Fourscore and 40-love ago …. which is completely lame and that’s what I want! I mean, I just made that up here. But, basically, the lamer and sillier the better, Losers!

So when you choose your Best Thing Ever, go ahead and give some thought to what your Loser Comment might be, should you lose. Think of it as planning your acceptance speech for the Academy Awards …. only the total opposite of that, mmkay?

And I’m open to suggestions for a name other than “Loser Comment.” It seems kinda harsh, but it’s just what I typed here on the fly. Any ideas on that?

Okay, peeps!!

READY?

16 PEOPLE.

THE BEST THING EVER: AMERICA.

GO!!