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at the bookstore, episode 6

I couldn’t see his face, he was sitting behind me with another gentleman, but his voice caught my attention. His accent, the rat-a-tat-tat of his cadence. He sounded Indian maybe. Older. First, it was the rhythm of his speech that caught my attention, then it was his words.

“Do you know why I’m a closer? Do you? It’s because I love people. I feel people. You must listen. You must let them talk. You can’t be ya-ya-ya talking at them. Remember last week, with Bob? You know what he did wrong? He closed the door — “ya-ya-ya.” And what did I do yesterday — remember? I opened the door. You must open the door. Don’t close the door until they’re inside the door. Do you know what my expertise is? My expertise is people. People.”

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the name survey

Okay. You’ve got to be willing to be whimsical and and a bit goofy to complete this survey. Pretend you’re wearing a big silly hat and you’ll adopt the proper mood, I think. Better yet, find a big silly hat, plop it on, and complete the survey. It’s Friday and I just wanna play!

(Copy and paste into comments for easier reading, thanks.)

Ready? These questions are about your name. Some people love their names; others hate ’em; others feel eh. To answer these questions, try to separate your name from you. Think of the sound of your name. The feel of it, etc. If we don’t know your real name, well, it just makes it that much more mysterious, if you ask me.

1) If your name were a flower, what kind of flower would it be? A rose? Hibiscus? Prickly pear?

2) If your name were a color, what color would it be? Give me more than just, say, “red.” Give me “The red earth of Sedona.” You know, be poetic, pippa.

3) If your name were a musical instrument, what would it be?

4) If your name were a kind of candy, what kind of candy would it be?

5) If your name were an ice cream flavor, what flavor would it be?

6) If your name were a city anywhere in the world, which city would it be?

7) If your name were a food, what would it be? Be specific. Not just “Italian”; say “Mushroom risotto in truffle sauce” or something.

8) If your name were a weather forecast, what would the forecast be?

9) If your name were a car, what kind of car would it be?

10) If your name were a book, not yet written, what would the book be about?

Okay. GO!

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westward hose

As you may already know, my state, the Golden State of CA, has a JILLION DOLLAR budget shortfall. Or, okay, more accurately, if you insist on getting all technical, fine: $42 billion. But, yippyskip, today our state legislature passed a brand new budget starring: Taxes taxes taxes! Weeeee!

Here is what I, as a Californian, get to partake in now:

~ A 1% increase in the state sales tax to 9.25%.

~ An increase in state income tax by .25%.

~ A doubling of the vehicle licensing fees.

~ But, phew, they opted to drop the whole 12-cents-a-gallon gas tax.

Huzzah! We’re saved!

Uhm, yeah, so which of you is gonna let us come and live in your basement?

Step up, Crackie.

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signage is seeping into my psyche

First off, let me say that, sadly, I do not have photos of the signage that will be discussed here. That’s just the way it is, see, since I do not currently own a camera because of my general Amishness and early 20th century-ness. (For the sake of my analogy, please ignore the fact that, okay, I wrote and posted this on a computer, shhhhh.)

You will just have to use your imaaaginaaation.

The last couple of days, weird signage has been popping up everywhere I look. Everywhere. On buildings. On cars. On fences. It’s like I am suddenly attuned to signage; that my psyche is seeking signage, yearning for signage. And, it’s weird, it’s hugely satisfying somehow. I’ve gotten a little swept off my feet by the whole thing. Look. I’m surrounded, still, by stacks of boxes that are not unpacking themselves, lazy buggers, so I must get my enjoyment where I can.

What I’ve seen:

~ A sign on a gate reading:

QUIET ZONE
MOVE QUIETLY

Uhm, yes, just to remind you — and, really, this simply cannot be overstated — it is very important that you remain QUIET in this area specially zoned for QUIET and consider how best to be QUIET and exist QUIETLY; for instance, if you ever saw that movie The QUIET Man, we actually need you to be much more QUIET than he ever was, because, again, we feel we must reiterate we have designated this area as a QUIET ZONE in which one must be QUIET and MOVE QUIETLY, thank you

~ A sign on a neighborhood laundromat reading:

REDWOOD STREET LUNDROMAT

Look. You wash your clothes here, okay? You say laundro, we say lundro. Potato, potahto.

~ On the side of a delivery van:

VALLE DE QUESO

~ Valley of Cheese. What? Yea, though I walk through the Valley of Cheese, I will fear no evil … although, honestly — and don’t get me wrong, I love it, God — but a valley full of nothing but unrelenting cheese really kind of freaks me out.

~ My favorite. A sign written into the dirty window on the back of a van:

PAN FLUTE LESSONS!
555-9812

brrrrrng ….. brrrrrrng ……

Uhm, yes. I’m calling about the pan flute lessons?

Oh, great! How did you hear about me?

Well … the finger-writing? Ah, in the dirt? On some van I saw?

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question

Say you’re telling someone a story — a personal tale of woe, perhaps — because they have just inquired about it. Hearing this information is their idea. You start to tell them and, oh, about three minutes into the story — and you were closing in on the end of it — the person prompts, “So, to make a long story short ….”

Uh, what do you do or say? Isn’t that something that the speaker usually says to hurry themselves up, to acknowledge the story’s been going on a bit? Is it polite for the listener to say to you, the speaker, “So to make a long story short ….”?

I don’t think so. And I will tell you what I did, since — surprise! — this really did happen to me recently. I looked at the person and said, “Well, it’s not that long” and immediately stopped talking about it. Why? Because I’m now a curmudgeon and other people’s rudeness is making me rude in return, I guess.

Plus, I’m a gang member now, so I have a bad attitude, dawg.

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last hints

UPDATE: ALL ARE SOLVED!! GOOD JOB EVERYONE AND THANKS FOR PLAYING!!

Since someone sent me an email and asked, here’s a link to the first round of Mystery Letters from a few years back — if you’re wanting more or want to do them with your family. I remember the ones in the first round are more general in theme — and there are even MORE of them to drive you nuts, hahaha.

All right. Only 2 left. I can’t give more blatant hints than these.

#4) One of the words, scrambled is: OOINPT

#14) One of the words, scrambled is: DANSIB

I know you can do it.

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weekend snippets

~ “As I recall, the place went down in flames of disrepute.”

~ “Oh, see? I don’t like that — that squink of contempt on your face.”

~ After watching me bloat with hubris and voice some vast world domination-type declarations, MB burst into a falsetto, singing, “ON THIS ROCK I WILL BUILD MY KINNGDOMM!!” sung to the tune of “And I sent you away, oh, Mannndy!”

I collapsed in laughter on the bed. It became the song line of the weekend, sung out whenever the moment seemed appropriate — or inappropriate. The main thing was to really make your falsetto sound like it conceivably COULD dominate the world. And, you know, you really do feel confident when you sing that to yourself, I gotta say.

~ “You’d make a really nice catch for someone.” Ah. The mini divorces that occur in every marriage.

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hints

All right. I know it’s the weekend and people are doing a million other things than reading blogs, so I’ll lift my 2-answer rule on the game below and just open it up. Answer at will, although don’t, well, hog ’em all, you know?

Some hints on the remaining ones:

#3 — Lyrics to an old Broadway show tune — the show was recently revived starring Harry Connick, Jr. I know you’re all Googling now. Cheaters.

#4 — Song title, also movie title, I believe

#5 — Song title with some extra lyrics beyond that tacked on for torture purposes

#8 — Song title, a Rat Packer sang this

#13 — Song lyric, think Roger Miller; if you can’t get it from that, then, well, you’re in timeout

#14 — Book title and movie title, I believe; think mythically

#15 — Movie, think stubborn animals

#19 — lyrics to a Broadway show tune, interestingly enough, with a wretched TV version several years ago starring the person mention in #3 above.

Gah. These are the most generous hints in the whole wide world. I’m a frickin’ angel of mercy.

Now answer ’em, so I can cross this off my To Do List.

And, yes, I’m crabby.