To all Best Thing Ever Tournament Players:
Here’s the Boo-Bye Speech from that loser, Severus Snape. Uhm, he lost. HE’S DEAD. And he refuses to admit it. I’m putting it here — front and center — so that nobody misses it, because he basically smack talks everyone, even people he won’t ever get to play. Because he lost and he’s dead. Even I, your benevolent game mistress, am thrown under the runaway bus of verbal abuse. Here is what the sorely departed Mr. Snape has to say to us all:
I don’t expect the crowds will really understand the beauty of the barely out-of-bounds backhand with its shimmering bright yellow lack of chalkiness… the delicate power of the double fault that creeps through a service game, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses, sounding like “love… forty.†I can teach my fellow players slash characters how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death.
That’s right, Mer-cue-she-pwn3d! I said stopper death. Yeah, baby, I’m the potions master! You think you kill’d me with the sword? I’m the Prince, baby! Dumbledore’s most trusted confidante! I’ve danced with the devil, Lord Thingy himself! And lived to tell the tale, yo! For a while, anyway.
I do not concede defeat, because I have not yet been defeated. Don’t believe me? You, too, will die, Merwhatsyerface. And when your head is being lopped off by Faraqueer [sorry, sorry], I want you to ask yourself. Did I really kill Severus? Or was it a Russian tennis chick under the influence of Polyjuice Potion?
You can ask Miss Tracey, the insufferable know-it-all. She’ll tell you.
Oh. I have to go. My snake is squiggling. Thingy calls.
By the way… EXPELLIARMUS!
Haha, got your racket.
You insult me — and yet I laugh my face off. You ARE pure evil, Severus Snape.
“My snake is squiggling”–oh, man, does EVERYONE in this game have a Blackberry now?
(Great boooo-bye speech! I need to get past page 100 of the first book this summer!)
Hunh. Color me unimpressed with your parlor trickery. Potions and wands? That ain’t how we roll in Gondor. You got to bring it to make it in Minas Tirith, Snivellus. You couldn’t even hack seeing some snotty brat who had his Mum’s eyes – going all emo and “changing your Patronus” (which frankly sounds a little skeevy to me) and running off to kvetch to the Headmaster. I think you’re ducking me, quite frankly.
You’re just lucky the King isn’t here, because the Dunadan? He don’t shiv. He doesn’t just go through the draw like other players – he wins the tournament and then goes and beats all the losers after he’s done, just so they don’t get any silly ideas like “I could have won if only I hadn’t been upset in the quarterfinals by Mary Poppins.” Don’t even think it, Seigfried.
Faramir — /because the Dunadan? He don’t shiv.
I don’t even know what that MEANS and I am laughing!!
Snape — /the delicate power of the double fault that creeps through a service game, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses, sounding like “love… forty./
Hahahahahahahaha! My favorite part.
Where is Mercutio??? This speech should not be taken lying down.
Also …. someone have mercy on my general ignorance of the modern world: what is pwn3d??
“pwn3d” is derived from the word “own.” It originated with the internet gaming community and l33t speak. see the Pwn entry of Wikipedia.
Love this game, BTW.
Well, the insufferable know-it-all is wrong (clearly, celebrity isn’t everything). I am not dead. I’ve got your Resurrection Stones right here, and if anyone is Avadad today, I’d just like to say, “That was me. You’re welcome.”
As for my patronus, Farabore, I only changed it to a doe so my King Cobra wouldn’t make the little Chosen One make a twosie in his onesie.
Levicorpus, all. Levicorpus.
Sooooooo, yeah, um … like, wow, you know. Um … I drank this thing, monkey man, and now I’m, like, a sofa. Could someone, like, spill a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster on me? Oh, and could someone get, maybe … like, you know, Jessica Alba to take a seat?
Snape — Shouldn’t that be “Avada’ed” or something? What is the verb form of Avada Kedavra??
And “Levicorpus,” my lily white bum.
Although it seems in your hasty, untimely exit, you left some Polyjuice Potion sitting ’round the locker room and Zebra Bodybath drank it and turned into a sofa or something? Is this true?
As the game mistress, I just need to be on top of, you know, any possible physical infirmity that might affect tournament play.
Severus — I am shocked! How can you? If you love me, you need to stop this insanity!
Funny that, Sevs, I always thought your original Patronus was a ‘possum. If it had been a Cobra then young Potter would have just ordered it to chase you around the Whomping Willow – that would have been more embarrassing than the match you just lost. You got any potion to cure that can of whup-@$$ you drank in the quarterfinals?
HAHAHAHAH – it turned my epithet into a fake email address. I am a n00b!
Oh, my! I’m laughing. If Gilderoy would have been up against Snape there’d be no match. Wait, already done!
You guys are killing me with this! I am sorry I missed the entry stage. Great stuff from Severus and Faramir.
You guys can join in, too! Pick a character and smack away!!
Kathi, you’re right that there’d be no match. I could flatten that flamboyant Squib with but a stare.
Farablerg, I’ll be watching your next match. Be afraid.
Lily, why should I listen to you, you filthy little Mudbl**d? No wait, Lils. I didn’t mean it. I was just showing off for my Slytherin friends. Come back. I’m sorry! Fine, I’ll protect your little brat when you’re dead.
Tracey, there is no apostrophe in Avadaed. Five points from Gryffindor. I’ll give you the e, though. I’m feeling magnanimous.
Prince, out!
And another ten points from Gryffindor for your lack of Polyjuice knowledge. Silly girl, Polyjuice Potion is only meant to transform humans into other humans.
I, Mercutio, have slain the Snape
Who lieth now at noble Wimbledon
Victorious am I! Friend Faramir
Your fate now lies with me — bid it GODSPEED!
Snape — I think you’re unfamiliar with how this game is scored. Probably why you lost. And were kill’d. Bummer.
Severus — Oh no. You don’t ever get to call me “Lils” again, you greasy little juicemaker. Oh, and on that note? Wanna know why I could never ever really fall in love with you, Sev? Your complete and utter disregard of one very important social potion: SHAMPOO! And just because you’re DEAD doesn’t mean you get to spend eternity blatantly neglecting your hygiene. Well, except …. maybe where YOU are. You stink, Sev, but maybe nobody there gives a rat’s ass.
Which, come to think of it, is kind of what you smell like.
Shampoo? What’s that? But anyway, fine, be a witch about it. I’ll protect your brat, but I’ll be brooding and mean about it his whole life.
Miss Tracey, forty points and one advantage from Gryffindor! And four Saturdays of detention castrating flobberworms.
Snape — Don’t get your dirty panties in a twist at ME; Lily Potter’s the one you should take out all your pent-up-virgin rage on.
Please. I’m the game mistress. I am dignified and above it all.