the best thing ever: england — more results!

In further court action today …. more stream-of-consciousness reporting from Wimbledon’s laziest on-scene newsgirl ….

Zither Bumblebee

picked victory from the pockets of

The Artful Dodger

which is weird, because The Artful Dodger is the well-known scamp in that department, isn’t he? On the other hand, Zadora Butterbean has those two heads so who knows what kind of advantage that gave him over The Artful Dodger? On the other hand, that second head has an eyepatch, so, really, Zazzy Bassinet had only one extra eye and in this reporter’s opinion, that extra head-eye combo should have wreaked all kinds of havoc with his peripheral vision and service toss. On the other hand — and apparently, there really is another hand — the dude has three arms, which, lordy, could make for a seriously wicked three-handed backhand and how is the poor little pickpocket supposed to stand there and return that?? And how come two matches ended in death and ruined grass and this one just ends in a pickpocketing? Is anyone playing tennis here? Hm. I guess that remains to be seen.

Meanwhile, in the battle of the Bildungsromans ….

Jane Eyre

left begging and starving on the moors

David Copperfield

which is weird, because, you’d think of all people, Jane Eyre would know what that felt like. Throughout the match, wild screams erupted intermittently from somewhere in the upper part of the stadium. Jane, however, kept her focus and dispatched Mr. Copperfield in 51 minutes, including 11 services aces, all in excess of 100 mph, which is really amazing for such a frail, small-framed woman in layers of sweltering petticoats. When the match was over, a disconsolate Mr. Copperfield was rushed by one Mr. Uriah Heep howling at him repeatedly to “Eat umble pie with an appetite!” Tournament officials quickly swarmed Mr. Heep, stuffed strawberries in his mouth, and dragged him off the court.

We await your sad Boo-Bye Speeches, Messrs. Dodger (Dawkins) and Copperfield.

A really bad day for Mr. Dickens.