In court action today …. here’s your stream-of-consciousness rundown ….
Mercutio
kill’d with a sword
Severus Snape
which is weird, because this is tennis, although none of the judges intervened, which is weird too because this is Britain and Wimbledon and everyone is usually very uptight about tradition and wearing white and eating strawberries and playing matches with rackets and not swords and such. Killing someone with a sword is a definite, you know, break in tradition. And it just ruins the grass, which really chaps my hide. During the match itself, the ever-loquacious Mercutio just kept blathering on loudly about some chippie named “Queen Mab,” not “Queen Elizabeth” which, frankly, seemed like a terrible breech of etiquette not to mention somewhat disloyal and all the talk-talk-talking seemed to unnerve Mr. Snape who tried several different unsuccessful spells to get Mercutio to shut up — which is weird because his spells usually work; on the other hand, what was he thinking performing all that magic in front of a crowd of Muggles? So when you think about it, it’s just as well he’s dead now — kill’d with a sword — because, otherwise, he’d be in big fat trouble with the Ministry of Magic now, wouldn’t he?
And in other action …
Faramir
also kill’d with a sword, how weird ….
The Pardoner
But then again, the grass was already ruined from the previous bloody mess with Snape, so Faramir was pretty much, “Well, no big whoop; the grass is already soil’d and this is what I do” while The Pardoner just cowered under his horse for the entire match (how the horse got out there, I have no idea; maybe a leftover from one of Snape’s unsuccessful spells) which is frustrating, especially after I specifically TOLD The Pardoner there was no cowering allowed. But what are you gonna do? You try your best. You can’t help everyone, you know? They’ve got to want to be helped. Faramir kill’d him with a sword out of sheer annoyance, I’m sure.
Stay tuned for more results! Two more of you are going down today. Although, hopefully not kill’d with a sword.
Snape and Pardoner: I’m sorry you’re dead. Pony up with them Boo-Bye Speeches.
The Pardoner says:
“Oh, I did not die, but rather fainted, when the manly Faramir emerged onto the court in his magnificent purple costume. . . all through the game, my hands trembled and my service suffered–would that we could be friends instead, and go blackberrying hand-in-hand! But alas, it is not to be, and so my horse and I shall take our leave and continue on our pilgrimage. But, ah, before I go–are you sufficiently forgiven? I have here in my sleek display case a handsome set of pardons for your every salvationary need. . .â€
(Translated from Old English for the benefit of BtP’s readers.)
/my hands trembled and my service suffered–would that we could be friends instead, and go blackberrying hand-in-hand!/
Hahahahahaha! Is that blackberrying or Blackberrying?
I am picturing Faramir with a Blackberry now, you know, texting his sister Jane Eyre about their respective routs.
You know, I got ousted in the first round of England last year, too. I think I’m there to be but a whipping boy.
Ok, I must coach Severus on how to prepare the best boo-bye speech ever.
Ha ha, Blackberry–I’ll bet people who have read the story can think of times he probably could’ve used one. . .
An exemplary Boo-Bye Speech, Pardoner!
I don’t expect the crowds will really understand the beauty of the barely out-of-bounds backhand with its shimmering bright yellow lack of chalkiness… the delicate power of the double fault that creeps through a service game, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses, sounding like “love… forty.” I can teach my fellow players slash characters how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death.
That’s right, Mer-cue-she-pwn3d! I said stopper death. Yeah, baby, I’m the potions master! You think you kill’d me with the sword? I’m the Prince, baby! Dumbledore’s most trusted confidante! I’ve danced with the devil, Lord Thingy himself! And lived to tell the tale, yo! For a while, anyway.
I do not concede defeat, because I have not yet been defeated. Don’t believe me? You, too, will die, Merwhatsyerface. And when your head is being lopped off by Faraqueer [sorry, sorry], I want you to ask yourself. Did I really kill Severus? Or was it a Russian tennis chick under the influence of Polyjuice Potion?
You can ask Miss Tracey, the insufferable know-it-all. She’ll tell you.
Oh. I have to go. My snake is squiggling. Thingy calls.
By the way… EXPELLIARMUS!
Haha, got your racket.
The Pardoner says, “Thank you, and I hope to sell enough indulgences to fund the Blackberry you have inspired me to purchase.”
🙂
The Pardoner is indeed a noble foe, despite all that cowering earlier. But we don’t deal in indulgence in Gondor – we deal in VICTORY, and business is booming.
Hold serve, Men of the West!
Faramir — /Hold serve, Men of the West!/
Yes! Good strategy. Hahahaha.