September 13, 2009

-image-and the best thing ever: america is ……

The Princess Bride (aka The Royal Slattern)!!

princess-bride.jpg
US Open Women’s Player: Kim Clijsters BEL

Congratulations to our champion, The Royal Slattern!

Say hello to your cool DVD of Frogs, sarahk.

(And, alas, boo-bye, Ilsa’s Big Hat.)

Thanks for playing, everyone!

Until next time …..

-image-supplemental boo-bye for “more horrible slatterns”?

(Again, my apologies to Karen for initially messing up your Boo-Bye Speech in the comments to the post below. I fixed it.)

But …. would you mind …. may I ….. or might I … as your game mistress, suggest a supplemental boo-bye for More Horrible Slatterns?

I mean, her match point against The Royal Slattern was controversial and, well, slatternly in the extreme.

Here’s the video of the moment and below is what More Horrible Slatterns allegedly said to that line judge which could be used as a gracious supplement to the previously posted Boo-Bye Speech. I think it hits just the right note:

“I swear to God I’m f—ing going to take this f—ing ball and shove it down your f—ing throat and kill you.”

You know, your game mistress has always been drawn to the innate civility of the game of tennis.

Again, the final tonight at 9 pm ET:

princess-bride.jpg
The Royal Slattern
US Open Women’s Player: Kim Clijsters BEL

VS

casablanca.jpg
Ilsa’s Big Hat
US Open Women’s Player: Caroline Wozniacki DEN

Your game mistress hopes for a championship match sans death threats.

Carry on, slatterns.

September 12, 2009

-image-finally! semi-final results and a final match-up!

Wow. Okay. Major rain delays at Ye Olde US Open/The Best Thing Ever Championships.

Also a maaaaaajor upset.

The results:

casablanca.jpg
Ilsa’s Big Hat
US Open Women’s Player: Caroline Wozniacki DEN

bogarted the finals from

blade-runner.jpg
Shank Jogger
US Open Women’s Player: Yanina Wickmayer BEL

Boo-bye, Shank Jogger.

AND ….. in the day’s major upset …..

princess-bride.jpg
The Royal Slattern
US Open Women’s Player: Kim Clijsters BEL

stormed da castle of …..

sunsetboulevardfilmposter.jpg
More Horrible Slatterns
US Open Women’s Player: Serena Williams USA

And boo-bye to you, too, More Horrible Slatterns. (Williams Shmilliams.)

So the final tomorrow — weather permitting — looks like THIS:

princess-bride.jpg
The Royal Slattern
US Open Women’s Player: Kim Clijsters BEL

VS

casablanca.jpg
Ilsa’s Big Hat
US Open Women’s Player: Caroline Wozniacki DEN

Phew. The game mistress is worn out from waiting for all this to go down.

Good luck and good final, pippa!

September 11, 2009

-image-best thing ever: rain delays today

Semi-final matches tomorrow.

September 10, 2009

-image-fixed it

Since sarahk, uhm, pointed out that the link to her awesome smack talk at Mr. Holland’s Opus Shmopus was messed up — and she wouldn’t want anyone to miss it — I fixed it.

And here’s the link againnnnn. Scroll down to the comments.

Because, really, it’s important to know, sarahk loves you and does not want you to miss it. Mmkay, pippa?

Okay. Rest up, slatterns.

Big day tomorrow.

-image-semi-final matchups!

Looks like our final four get the day off today.

So, here our the semi-final matchups for Friday morning.

blade-runner.jpg
Shank Jogger
US Open Women’s Player: Yanina Wickmayer BEL

VS

casablanca.jpg
Ilsa’s Big Hat
US Open Women’s Player: Caroline Wozniacki DEN

AND …..

princess-bride.jpg
The Royal Slattern
US Open Women’s Player: Kim Clijsters BEL

VS

sunsetboulevardfilmposter.jpg
More Horrible Slatterns
US Open Women’s Player: Serena Williams USA

Look at the slattern match-up! Hahahahaha.

Good luck and good matches, pippa!

September 9, 2009

-image-the latest ….

UPDATE: If anyone is confused about what’s going on, please read this post for an explanation of the game. I do try to link to it every year when the tournament comes around, but maybe I forgot this year. If you’re looking for players’ smack talk, well, it’s pretty much in every one of these current game posts. Here’s an example. Readers post comments as characters from the movies they selected. (This year’s theme for the game is Best American Movies. Different years have different themes.) Also, there’s a whole category in the side bar called “The Best Thing Ever Blog Game” dedicated to this insanity. Hope that helps!

Also don’t miss sarahk’s (The Princess Bride, or as I prefer, The Royal Slattern) harsh but characteristically adorable smack down of Mr. Holland’s Opus Shmopus in the comments here. There is great insane commentary going on in all these comment threads. Good job, pippa!! I’m constantly laughing!!

****************
Another Sad Boo-Bye.

Today, in quarterfinal action ……

blade-runner.jpg
Shank Jogger
US Open Women’s Player: Yanina Wickmayer BEL

replicanted — uhm, what, Trace??? — over …

breakfast-club.jpg
The Brunch Cabal
US Open Women’s Player: Kateryna Bondarenko UKR

Later, in the locker room, everyone was civilized in victory and defeat and Shank Jogger offered The Brunch Cabal use of his dandruff shampoo. Which she graciously — and wisely — accepted.

Your game mistress is pleased — gobsmacked — but pleased by this uncharacteristic post-match courtesy.

Further results …..

casablanca.jpg
Ilsa’s Big Hat
US Open Women’s Player: Caroline Wozniacki DEN

gin-jointed ….

jaws.jpg
Stupid People Die
US Open Women’s Player: Melanie Oudin USA

Which is sad. My money was on the fish.

Still, them’s good eatin’.

Boo-bye, Jaws.

September 8, 2009

-image-the sad boo-byes continue

UPDATE: Do check out Star Wars’ Boo-Bye speech in the comments here. It went into moderation — all of them do at first when everyone is using character names, which I love — but don’t miss it. It’s a winner. Even though, uhm, Star Wars is …..well ….. a loser here.

sunsetboulevardfilmposter.jpg
More Horrible Slatterns
US Open Women’s Player: Serena Williams USA

Vadered over

star-wars.jpg
Star Problems
US Open Women’s Player: Flavia Pennetta ITA

After the loss, Star Problems stomped off the court and promptly exploded all over the locker room in a galactic fireball of pique and tennis elbow.

Yeah. It was a real mess.

And the janitor, Jorge? Well, he was just a teensy bit pissed.

No bueno, no bueno, no bueno, he was heard to mutter while he swept up shards of tennis elbow.

First The Royal Slattern shoved inside a random locker room tuba and now …. this? I mean, cleaning up a galactic fireball of pique and tennis elbow takes A LOT of Lysol, pippa.

Boo-bye, Star Probs.

I think I even heard Jorge mutter Lo siento at your loss, but, uhm, it might have been something else.

(Don’t forget: Wednesday match-ups listed in this post.)

-image-we announce a sad boo-bye

Alas. In quarterfinal action today ….

princess-bride.jpg
The Royal Slattern
US Open Women’s Player: Kim Clijsters BEL

banged the drum slowly of …..

mr-hollands-shmopus.jpg
Mr. Holland’s Deaf Kid’s Shmopus
US Open Women’s Player: Na Li CHN

Later, in the locker room, a typically petulant Mr. Holland’s Deaf Kid’s Shmopus had this to say to his opponent:

alphabet1-y.jpgalphabet1-o.jpgalphabet1-u.jpg

alphabet1-s.jpgalphabet1-u1.jpgalphabet1-c.jpgalphabet1-k.jpg

alphabet1-r.jpgalphabet1-o.jpgalphabet1-y.jpgalphabet1-a.jpgalphabet1-l.jpg

alphabet1-s.jpgalphabet1-l.jpgalphabet1-a.jpgalphabet1-t.jpgalphabet1-t.jpgalphabet1-e.jpgalphabet1-r.jpgalphabet1-n.jpg

Seconds later, Mr. Holland grabbed The Royal Slattern and shoved her into the nearest tuba.

Now, your game mistress, first, is unaware that tubas are kept in the locker rooms of The Best Thing Ever Championships. She also regrets this display of unseemly language and violence and overall poor sportsmanship, but, sadly, she has come to expect this sort of churlish and unstable behavior during these yearly tournaments.

She hopes the remaining players will act with more maturity.

But she seriously doubts it.

What can one do when everyone is hopped up on the deadly steroids? she wonders.

Well, boo-bye, Mr. Holland’s Deaf Kid’s Shmopus.

We hardly knew ye.

More results to come …..

September 7, 2009

-image-the players — the best thing ever: america

UPDATE: Edited with your player assignments AND quarterfinal matchups for Tuesday, Sept. 8th and Wednesday September 9th. Check it out.

I went with the women’s draw because it’s just so interesting right now.

We’ve got Melanie Oudin, a 17-year-old American who defeated Maria Sharapova and is just ON, Crackie. Little spitfire. I like her.

We’ve got good ol’ Kim Clijsters, a former US Open Champion who’d been away from the game for two years to have a baby. She beat Venus Williams over the weekend and beat her GOOD. So satisfying, I gotta say.

Then we have your basic Serena Williams doing her basic Serena Williams thing.

Only four of the women remaining in this draw are actually seeded players in this year’s tournament. The No. 1 seed and No. 3 seed are OUT. It’s crazy. Kind of exciting. Really, it’s anyone’s championship at this point. Anything can happen!

Please remember: Although you may very well hear the results of these matches before your game mistress can get to them, please allow her to announce them herself. Thank you.

Don’t forget your Sad Boo-Bye Speech if you lose. Here are the guidelines on that. I’m VERY BIG on the Sad Boo-Bye Speech. VERY VERRRY BIG. The Sad Boo-Bye Speeches are some of the best parts of this whole extravaganza.

All right.

GAME ON!

Good luck and good matches, everyone!

**************

Okay. Below is our roster of players for The Best Thing Ever: America. Your selection will be assigned to a US Open player perhaps as soon as later today. I haven’t yet decided if I’m going with the men’s or women’s singles draw. I WAS decided until the women’s draw kind of burst wide open in the last few days. Venus Williams lost yesterday — (uhm, a-boo-hoo-hoo.) So at least one of the Williams’ sisters is out. I say that only because I really didn’t want another Williams (Faramir) /Williams (Jane Eyre) final like we had last year in The Best Thing Ever: England when the theme was Best Characters in English Literature.

Williams Schmilliams. Time to move along there, Crackie.

So. If I go with the women’s draw, you will be assigned to your US Open player later today. The quarterfinal matchups will be set by then.

Also, in the spirit of full disclosure, it should be noted that your game mistress HATES one of these movies with a white-hot hate, but she pledges to remain neutral and unbiased. She WILL. And no, she will not tell you which one it is. You’ll just have to guess.

Be prepared for a week of totally nonsensical, frequently drunk blogging. Just sayin’.

Okay. The playahs. Here they are:

(Tuesday’s matches)

mr-hollands-shmopus.jpg
Mr. Holland’s Deaf Kid’s Shmopus
US Open Women’s Player: Na Li CHN

VS

princess-bride.jpg
The Royal Slattern
US Open Women’s Player: Kim Clijsters BEL

star-wars.jpg
Star Problems
US Open Women’s Player: Flavia Pennetta ITA

VS

sunsetboulevardfilmposter.jpg
More Horrible Slatterns
US Open Women’s Player: Serena Williams USA

**************

(Matchups for Wednesday, September 9th:)

blade-runner.jpg
Shank Jogger
US Open Women’s Player: Yanina Wickmayer BEL

VS

breakfast-club.jpg
The Brunch Cabal
US Open Women’s Player: Kateryna Bondarenko UKR

jaws.jpg
Stupid People Die
US Open Women’s Player: Melanie Oudin USA

VS

casablanca.jpg
Ilsa’s Big Hat
US Open Women’s Player: Caroline Wozniacki DEN

Oh, wait! What are you playing for, you ask?

Well, a DVD.

Of one of the greatest American movies ever.

Because we love movies here at Beyond the Pale.

Because we care about excellence and aesthetics, too.

Because ….. we just couldn’t resist sharing this with the winner …..

frogs-2.jpg

The single greatest awful movie ever.

I know. I know. You’re all jonesing for it bad. Please remain calm.

But let’s not forget: For you womenfolk, there’s a hunky 1972 Sam Elliott. For you menfolk, there’s Joan Van Ark in a butter-yellow onesie.

Sexy.

To the victor go the spoils, pippa.

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