UPDATE: Edited with your player assignments AND quarterfinal matchups for Tuesday, Sept. 8th and Wednesday September 9th. Check it out.
I went with the women’s draw because it’s just so interesting right now.
We’ve got Melanie Oudin, a 17-year-old American who defeated Maria Sharapova and is just ON, Crackie. Little spitfire. I like her.
We’ve got good ol’ Kim Clijsters, a former US Open Champion who’d been away from the game for two years to have a baby. She beat Venus Williams over the weekend and beat her GOOD. So satisfying, I gotta say.
Then we have your basic Serena Williams doing her basic Serena Williams thing.
Only four of the women remaining in this draw are actually seeded players in this year’s tournament. The No. 1 seed and No. 3 seed are OUT. It’s crazy. Kind of exciting. Really, it’s anyone’s championship at this point. Anything can happen!
Please remember: Although you may very well hear the results of these matches before your game mistress can get to them, please allow her to announce them herself. Thank you.
Don’t forget your Sad Boo-Bye Speech if you lose. Here are the guidelines on that. I’m VERY BIG on the Sad Boo-Bye Speech. VERY VERRRY BIG. The Sad Boo-Bye Speeches are some of the best parts of this whole extravaganza.
All right.
GAME ON!
Good luck and good matches, everyone!
**************
Okay. Below is our roster of players for The Best Thing Ever: America. Your selection will be assigned to a US Open player perhaps as soon as later today. I haven’t yet decided if I’m going with the men’s or women’s singles draw. I WAS decided until the women’s draw kind of burst wide open in the last few days. Venus Williams lost yesterday — (uhm, a-boo-hoo-hoo.) So at least one of the Williams’ sisters is out. I say that only because I really didn’t want another Williams (Faramir) /Williams (Jane Eyre) final like we had last year in The Best Thing Ever: England when the theme was Best Characters in English Literature.
Williams Schmilliams. Time to move along there, Crackie.
So. If I go with the women’s draw, you will be assigned to your US Open player later today. The quarterfinal matchups will be set by then.
Also, in the spirit of full disclosure, it should be noted that your game mistress HATES one of these movies with a white-hot hate, but she pledges to remain neutral and unbiased. She WILL. And no, she will not tell you which one it is. You’ll just have to guess.
Be prepared for a week of totally nonsensical, frequently drunk blogging. Just sayin’.
Okay. The playahs. Here they are:
(Tuesday’s matches)
Mr. Holland’s Deaf Kid’s Shmopus
US Open Women’s Player: Na Li CHN
VS
The Royal Slattern
US Open Women’s Player: Kim Clijsters BEL
Star Problems
US Open Women’s Player: Flavia Pennetta ITA
VS
More Horrible Slatterns
US Open Women’s Player: Serena Williams USA
**************
(Matchups for Wednesday, September 9th:)
Shank Jogger
US Open Women’s Player: Yanina Wickmayer BEL
VS
The Brunch Cabal
US Open Women’s Player: Kateryna Bondarenko UKR
Stupid People Die
US Open Women’s Player: Melanie Oudin USA
VS
Ilsa’s Big Hat
US Open Women’s Player: Caroline Wozniacki DEN
Oh, wait! What are you playing for, you ask?
Well, a DVD.
Of one of the greatest American movies ever.
Because we love movies here at Beyond the Pale.
Because we care about excellence and aesthetics, too.
Because ….. we just couldn’t resist sharing this with the winner …..
The single greatest awful movie ever.
I know. I know. You’re all jonesing for it bad. Please remain calm.
But let’s not forget: For you womenfolk, there’s a hunky 1972 Sam Elliott. For you menfolk, there’s Joan Van Ark in a butter-yellow onesie.
Sexy.
To the victor go the spoils, pippa.
The Royal Slattern! Ha!
I suggest a new strategy, Sunset Boulevard: let the Wookiee win. Wookiees are known to pull people’s arms out of their sockets when they lose. Hard to swing a racket with no arms.
Maybe you’re fed up. Maybe you want to be by yourself. Who knows? You look down and see a tortoise, Brunch. It’s crawling toward you…
My friend’s WordPress blog makes comments appear and disappear magically, too. 🙂 Gives shankers like me a chance. 🙂
I’m so glad you picked the Women’s. I watched Melanie Oudin match and she was great. I’m so looking forward to more Fred Savage smackdown.
I was out shopping all weekend with my highly cool friends and did not get my smack talk time in. But I have made time in my schedule for you now…and you should feel so privileged. Really you should. Because I am so popular.
In fact, I am soooooo popular that Blade Runner really has no chance. I mean, everyone will vote for me. Just ask John. He said the game would shut down if I didn’t show up. Everybody loves me soooooo much. I WAS prom queen, after all. How hard can this be? And if worse comes to worse, I’ll just hand out diamond earrings to everyone to MAKE them vote for me. Daddy will buy me more.
Handicapping the field:
Mr. Holland’s Opus (Na Li) – much like these plucky underdogs of music, Ms. Li’s story is uplifting. Were she a cellist or something, I would feel better about her odds at advancing.
The Princess Bride (Kim Clijsters) – She may be down a break, but she’s smiling… because she is not left handed!
Star Wars (Flavia Pennetta) – Don’t try to frighten us with your strange serve-and-volley ways, Ms. Pennetta! Your so-called skills haven’t won this tournament, nor given you clairvoyance enough to recover your lost set poi—- *aaaaack koff koff*
Yes, break her serve and she will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine… but of course she’ll still be out of the draw. Tennis is strict about stuff like that.
Sunset Boulevard (Serena Williams) – clearly ready for her close-up. The favorite at this point, but there’s always the off chance that either Chewbacca or Fezzik will tear her arms off…
Blade Runner (Yanina Wickmayer) – you know, I’ve never seen this movie… nor this tennis player. After Wednesday I may have the chance to see only one of them for the rest of the tournament.
The Breakfast Club (Katerynka Bondarenko) – Kismet that “Bender” and “Bondarenko” are so close together. I think we’ll just call her “Bender” for the rest of the tournament. “The thought that keeps me up at night is that these kids are the future of the sport!”
Jaws (Melanie Oudin) – Just when you thought it was safe to rally along the baseline… I think she’s got a shot, here. Wide-open draw until the finals.
Casablanca (Caroline Wozniacki) – this looks like the beginning of a beautiful Best Blog Game Ever!
Great prize, by the way. Kermit’s back… and this time, it’s personal.
While I know the assignments are random, some initial obsevations:
Ni Li from China fits pretty good with China’s obsession with not only creating world class athletes, but also musicians… Though Blade Runner might have been a better fit with the \mixture of Asian and American culture displayed in futuristic LA.
American teenager Melanie Oudin would be an obvious match with The Breakfast Club, I like the idea with the young upstart being associated with the Great White; besides every photo and video clip seems to show her with an open mouth and her pearly whites.
Belgian Kim Clijsters is a great fit for her movie as the fictional Florin would likely have been in the Flemish half of Belgium. Yes, someone could make the case that fellow Flemish Belgian Yanina Wickmayer, lives closer to the coast and her hometown of Antwerp DOES have direct access to the ocean, but we must remember that Buttercup and Wesley are from the hills and not next to the coast. Besides the subtitle Tracey gave BEFORE the bracket was “ROYAL Slattern” which Kim fits as she has already won a US Open.
Danish Caroline Wozniacki plugs in nicely with the international flavor of Casablanca. Not only does she reside in Scandinavia, the birthplace of Ingrid Bergman, but she is also, IMHO, the best looking female tennis player on the circuit today. She also like Ilsa is a refugee from another country (granted she had to move when her soccer player father was traded from Poland to Germany to Denmark, but it’s kinda the same thing).
…After that I got nothin’
Gotta see it, Fly.
Rachel to Deckard: “Is this testing whether I’m a replicant or a lesbian, Mr. Deckard?”
Dang, I violated my classic rule. NEVER, EVER, follow nightfly in the comment section. Once again I am humbled
Best prize ever for the Best Thing Ever.
“Oh, wake up, “Star Problems,” you’ll be killing yourself to an empty house. The audience left twenty years ago! Or MORE!!”
How could they breathe in that house full of Wookies? Around every corner, Wookies … more Wookies… and still more Wookies …
Clair — Hahahahaha. Great speech.
NF and JFH — Nice analyseseses. Bravo!
Joe Gillis — /House full of Wookies./ Hahahahahahaha. Nice use of Sunset Blvd!
Hahahahaha, the Royal Slattern!
Tracey, I’m so EXCITED that I’m gonna win a copy of Frogs!
Oh, nightfly, I’m so glad you’ve joined us for the fun!
/Were she a cellist or something, I would feel better about her odds at advancing./
/but of course she’ll still be out of the draw. Tennis is strict about stuff like that./
HAHAHAHAHA. You slay me.