beyond the pale

I’ve given myself a scary movie project. Not that the movies themselves are scary — at least not on purpose. They’re scary because they’re so horrible, but they’re not scaaary scary.

All I’m saying for now is that I’ll soon be reviewing a ridiculous, somewhat infamous trilogy of movies from the late 70s and early 80s.

Here’s a screenshot from part 1 of this trilogy. (Sorry for the play arrow. I screwed it up.)

That tooth. What is the deal with that tooth? Seriously, it’s like some horrible stubborn weed sprouted up amid the enamel hedge of his teeth. It’s like the teeth around it are having their honeymoon ruined by the overbearing mother-in-law tooth. It’s like having a permanent booger hanging out of your nose only it’s in your mouth.

Why did his momma hate him so much to leave him this way?

Also, please know that this fellow with the tagalong tooth is a person of some authority and knowledge in part 1 of our ridiculous trilogy.

See what I mean by scary?

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg, pippa. Or, uhm, tooth.

Okay. Fine. I’ll do it. (But I’m NOT correcting typos which I’m sure will be abundant.)

Opening sequence a la Inception.

Anne Hathaway and James Franco, the (kinda weird choice for) hosts are inside the dreams of past host Alec Baldwin to learn some tips for hosting. In the process, they end up in scenes from each of the nominated movies. I like Anne in a brown-and-red tutu barging into Black Swan and performing “the dance of the brown duck” while she starts to molt.

~ Anne Hathaway’s mom stands up from the crowd and tells her to stand up straight. Haha.

~ James Franco’s granny stands up from the crowd and says, “I just saw Marky Mark.” Haha.

~ There’s a sudden Gone With The Wind montage. What?? Is this some kind of onstage disaster contingency plan? “Quick! Cut to the random Gone With The Wind montage!”?? So we’re less than 10 minutes in and I’m already confused? I’m usually not disoriented until much later, after all the drinkin’ and a deliberately long bathroom break where I marcel my hair.

~ Oh, okay. The montage somehow ties into the first award, presented by the perpetually sagging Tom Hanks.

~ Now there’s a sudden montage of “Titanic” behind him, if you can see past his jowls.

~ Okay. This is Art Direction, which somehow relates to the two montages. Whatever, Jowls Magee.

~ Winner: Alice in Wonderland. Which, btw, I didn’t see. But did you know this is the second nomination for winner Karen O’Hara? Oh, and that also ties in with Gone With The Wind! Phhew. And here I thought they’d leave us hanging with random meaningless montages. Oh, me of little faith.

~ Tom Hanks is giving another award because his jowls give him gravitas. Cinematography.

~ Winner: Inception. Ugh. Boooooooooooo. The winner’s name is Wally and he speaks of his “master” Christopher Nolan. Hey, I don’t wanna hear about what goes on in your bedroom, okay?

~ Here’s Kirk Douglas. He’s flirting with Anne Hathaway. I think. God bless him, but he’s very hard to understand. Best Supporting Actress here. Cross your fingers for ….. whomever you want. Oh, there’s Helena Bonham Carter, who has Medusa hair tonight. I think those are actual snakes. So fresh, so feminine.

~ Kirk Douglas is just chatting. “Hugh Jackman is laughing at me. I don’t know why the Australians all think I’m funny. Colin Firth isn’t laughing. Look. He’s British.” He’s saying this all with extremely slurred speech because of his stroke. “Now here’s the moment we’re all waiting for.” He opens the envelope, shakily. He tosses it to the floor. He stands there with the results in his hands and ignores them, saying something like, “You know …… I was nominated 3 times and never won ….” He’s holding those results and the screen is showing all five nominees waiting, waiting for him to read the card ….. and he’s just chatting. Hahahahahahaha. Brilliant.

~ Winner: Melissa Leo for “The Fighter.” Her speech goes on and on. What happened to the shushing music? She gets bleeped out at some point for an F bomb.

~ So Toy Story 3 wins Best Animated Feature. I guess this means it won’t win Best Picture. Did you know I didn’t see that?

~ Back from commercials, “it’s now 1929 and it’s the first Academy Awards,” according to (the kinda weird choice for) host Anne Hathaway. Why? I don’t get it. Why is it suddenly 1929? Just so the set can change and Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem can stroll onstage look uncomfy in white tuxes? I need booze STAT to help this all make sense somehow.

~ Adapted Screenplay: Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network. (I don’t like him. I have no real basis for this other than not liking him.)

~ It’s still 1929 for no apparent reason — which I assume means bread lines are forming outside the theater — and Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem are still presenting, uncomfy in their white tuxes. It’s Original Screenplay.

~ Winner: The King’s Speech. “My father always said I’d be a late bloomer.” The winner is a 60-something-ish fellow. Good line, good speech.

~ Anne Hathaway sings a solo which was “supposed” to be a duet with Hugh Jackman. It’s “On My Own” From Les Miserables. “On my own ‘cuz someone’s a Hugh Jackass …..” blah blah. Sorta funny.

~ (The kinda weird choice for ) host James Franco appears dressed as Marilyn Monroe. Again, the confusion. Booze ain’t helping.

~ Russell Brand and Helen Mirren for Foreign Language film. Again, I cannot stress enough that I haven’t seen any of these movies, but I predict the winner will be a foreign language film.

~ Winner: I was right! And listening to her speech is like listening to a foreign language film. Still, good for you, toots. Also, wow. Hello, tits.

~ And now I make a new category: Best Foreign Language Tits. She wins, whoever she was.

~ Here’s Reese. She looks fabulous. Best Supporting Actor. Can I root for Christian Bale — whose movie I did not see, btw — just because? Ooh, lots of great actors in this category says the blank slate of my soul.

~ Winner: Well, for a blank slate, I do have a sense of things sometimes. Christian Bale. Who has a weird red dwarf beard. Is that fake? How could his beard be so red? I don’t know what he’s saying, I’m so distracted by his orangutan facial hair. He thanked his wife. Okay. Well, good job on that, Gimli. I still love you and forgive you for being an orangutan.

~ The president of The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences speaks. He is shot by bored sniper.

~ Here’s Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman. They should be a couple. His wife is too old and her husband is too short.

~ An orchestra appears as if from nowhere playing bits of movie themes. Oh, all right. It’s Best Original Score. The Social Network was nominated? Really? Nerd music? And that cut-off-my-arm movie. Well, if you have to lop off your own arm, at least let there be some good lopping music to cover the screams. And Inception is nominated too.

~ Winner: The Nerd Movie. Srsly?

~ Matthew Mc Conageahageygeehee and Scarlett Johannson. Best Sound.

~ Winner: Inception.

~ There’s a nominee named Gwendolen Yates Widdle. I want her to win just because of that name. (Best Sound Editing). She didn’t. DAMN that Inception.

~ Okay. So there’s Sound and Sound Editing, right? How do you know who should get Best Sound then? I mean, aren’t we all hearing JUST the edited version of sound? Do the voters of the Academy get CDs of the movies nominated for Best Sound that just include the unedited sound?

~ Am I being retarded? Or am I being brilliant? Because I don’t know the answer to my questions above and I think they’re legit. Sound and Sound Editing. What’s the diff? Why do I care?

~ Thank God, Marisa Tomei is here to set my priorities straight again.

~ On an unrelated note: MB says that “James Franco (as host) sucks ass.”

~ I say: “I am going to cut his arm off.”

~ Cate Blanchett. What the hell is she wearing? The sleeves on her dress poke out at right angles from her body. Did she forget to take it off the hanger? It’s so weird. Like someone folded some poster board in half, cut a head hole in it, and jammed it on Cate Blanchett’s head.

~ Oh, this is Best Makeup. That Rick Baker dude wins. Surprise.

~ Colleen Atwood wins for Best Costume Design for the millionth time. She’s reading from a paper and wearing hideous sheer black gloves. Here’s the shut-up music. Because, damn, them gloves be ugly. I think the producers want to get her offstage before she loses all credibility.

~ So where is the Best Edited Costume Design? Best Edited Makeup?

~ Here’s the ever-oily Kevin Spacey sliding up to the mic. I swear that dude is made of margarine. Best Original Song.

~ Oh, goodie! It’s Randy Newman singing the latest clever ditty he wrote. He is shot by a bored sniper, but I’m sure he’ll be back next year to bore again.

~ Here’s Jake Glilksdjflaskdjflaskweroiwuerhall and Amy Adams. Short Subject Documentary. Okay. The woman who won is clearly a man. Those ropey biceps make me shiver.

~ Oprah Winfrey?? MB says: “What’s SHE doing here??” Ditto.

~ Her black shiny dress is so tight across the boobs, it looks like she swallowed a bolster pillow.

~ Here’s Billy Crystal. Thank GOD. Can he take over from here? Leave this job to the professionals? The grown-ups? Good God, I’m a gammie now. A drunken slattern gammie full of prunes and gas and baseless opinions.

~ Curse you, Billy Crystal! You’re just here to introduce another damn montage. Sure, it’s Bob Hope and who doesn’t love Bob Hope, but gammie’s tired.

~ Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law, whose hairline, I might add, is becoming a peninsula of genetic misfortune.

~ The Nerd Movie just won again. Something. I don’t know what. Best Edited Nerd.

~ Jennifer Hudson in a spectacular red-orange va-voomy gown. Good Lord, she looks like a goddess. She’s here to introduce more Original Song singing, including Gwyneth Paltrow singing some mawkish country crap from that Country Strong movie which, btw, I did not see, but neither did anyone else from what I can tell. She is shot by a bored sniper.

~ Oh, that douche Randy Newman wins.

~ Ugh. Could it get WORSE? Here’s Celine Dion singing “Smile” to the montage of the dearly departed. I always like this part, but damn, do I hate the tone of her vibrato. It’s like a marble stuck in her throat. Go see a doctor, Celine.

~ So Lena Horne passed away this year, which is sad, but so did many other Hollywood greats, which is also sad. Still, Halle Berry appears now to give a special tribute to Lena Horne and Lena Horne alone. I get why it’s being done; I just don’t like why it’s being done.

~ Hillary Swank. Didn’t she play Secretariat in Secretariat? (I get increasingly cranky as the show goes on, don’t I?) Thank God, it’s Best Directing now. Getting close to daylight.

~ Winner: Tom Hooper, The King’s Speech. The guy looks like the love child of Jeff Foxworthy and James Cameron. Maybe he is.

~ Also: James Franco looks like Eddie Munster. I’m just throwing that out there for you to ponder.

~ Jeff Bridges to present Best Actress. Hallelujah! Almost done! I love the way he addresses each nominee personally. He makes what are surely scripted comments sound unscripted, because he’s just that good, that natural.

Winner: Natalie Portman. She’s thanking the camera operators and the AD on the film. Very nice touch. She’s very composed. Almost too composed. Like, “I knew I was going to win, so I rehearsed this 5347 times” composed.

~ Here’s Sandra Bullock with Best Actor. She’s addressing the nominees too, teasing Jeff Bridges for being nominated again this year. “You know, space it out. Give someone else a chance. I mean, how much is enough?” Hahaha. She’s so adorable.

~ Winner: Colin Firth. I’m typing that before it’s announced. Let’s see if I have to change it. Nope. Firth wins. Be still my heart. First thing out of his mouth, “I’m afraid my career’s just peaked.” Love him.

~ Steven Spielberg with — FINALLY! — Best Picture. And in case I didn’t say this last year, I hate that there are now 10 nominees. I have no reason other than it seems lame and cumbersome. Look, I promised you baseless opinions.

Winner: The King’s Speech. Dudes give speeches.

And that’s ……..

~ What?? I thought it was over. Nope. An unruly group of moppets, clearly awake past their bedtime, swarm the stage singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” in front of — I’m not kidding here — a projected image of The Emerald City of Oz. Buh-zarre. What does that have to do with anything??

~ I’m now spinning my top to see if this was all real.

~ See how I worked in a reference to one of the two movies I actually saw last year?

But it’s over! (Three hours plus.) But we survived!

That’s all, folks!!