Pretend you’re me. (Sorry, guys, you just sprouted big boobs and lost something vital.)
Let’s just move on then.
You’re on the phone with a tech guy/computer geek discussing a download problem you’re having. He just fixed your computer a few days ago, but you’re still having this download problem. He happens to be friends with your parents, although he’s actually closer to your age than theirs. He is a widower.
You’re more familiar with Mac, but you can find your way around a PC fine. You’re also pretty good at figuring techie things out by yourself, which surprises you sometimes. But this problem is beyond you.
Here are some highlights of your conversations with computer geek.
From the first conversation, when he’s fixing your computer:
GEEK: I have good news and bad news. Which do you want first?
YOU: The bad news, so I have something to look forward to.
GEEK: The bad news is that Jesus hasn’t come back yet.
YOU: Oh. Uhm-hmmmm …… (Is Jesus fixing my computer?)
GEEK: The good news is that he is coming back!
YOU: Yeah. So what about my computer?
*******
GEEK: Let me tell you about your dad …..
YOU: (Yes, please do. Enlighten me. I’m sure you know him much better than I, having known him for 3 years)
*******
GEEK: Your dad and I get along because we speak the same language.
YOU: Yeah. I can see that.
*******
GEEK: Let me tell you something about your mom ……..
YOU: (Oh, for God’s sake.)
*******
From a phone call you’re forced to have after you’ve gotten the computer back, but still have download issues. This is how he greets you:
GEEK: Guess what?
YOU: What?
GEEK: Jesus is coming back again!
YOU: (Is he retarded?)
*******
YOU: Okay. I clicked “run.”
GEEK: Wait. Wait. Waaait. Waaaaaait. I didn’t say to do that yet. I need to make sure you didn’t make any mistakes.
He makes you go back some steps. You didn’t make any mistakes. You get to the same spot in the procedure.
GEEK: Okay. Now, click RUN. RRRRRUNNN.
Which is what you already did. Also, you are not 5 and this is not Sesame Street.
*******
In another conversation you’re forced to have:
GEEK: I’m older than I sound.
YOU: Oh, really? Interesting.
GEEK: I’m a hospital chaplain.
YOU: (Great. Professional Christian.) Interesting.
GEEK: So are you a Christian?
YOU: Yes. Not professionally.
GEEK: That’s awesome!
YOU: Yes.
*******
In another conversation you’re forced to have:
YOU: (after dropping the phone) Oops. I dropped you. Sorry.
GEEK: Aw, don’t do that to me. I’ll rat you out to your dad.
He has jokingly threatened to “rat you out to your dad” a couple of times now. He thinks you’re a Care Bear Christian who wants to flirt with him when, really, you just want to squash him like a bug.
YOU: Please don’t do that. I’m usually in enough trouble on that front anyway.
GEEK: Oh.
*******
In another conversation you’re forced to have:
GEEK: I want to meet you in person. I mean, we’ve talked on the phone four times now.
YOU: (Only four??) Sure. I’ll bring my husband so you can meet him too.
*******
GEEK: Do you see a yellow bar underneath the URL?
YOU: There isn’t one.
GEEK: There should be.
YOU: Well, uh, there’s not.
GEEK: There should be a yellow bar that says “blah blah blah.”
YOU: Hm. Well, there’s not.
A few minutes later, you notice a barely yellow bar farther down on the window, but it doesn’t say “blah blah blah”; it says “blee blee blee.” Still, you mention it because it’s vaguely yellow.
GEEK: Okay. Honey? I’m a man. Yellow is yellow. It’s not marigold or sunflower or daffodil. Yellow is yellow.
YOU: (OMG. I wasn’t having a problem identifying the color yellow. I didn’t mention it earlier because it was neither in the location you said it would be nor did it say the thing you said it would say.)
Turns out, this vaguely yellow bar was a dead end after all. Nyaaah, “honey.”
*******
Later:
GEEK: I have some time now. I could come over to your house and fix it.
YOU: (Oh, hell, no.)
Call waiting, thank God. It’s Your Beloved. You tell him the geek wants to come over. Your Beloved says, “Oh, HELL no. He’s not coming to our house and getting a gander at you when I’m not there. Or ever, actually.” You click back over to the geek.
YOU: I’m sorry. That won’t work.
GEEK: But I have time now. It’s no problem.
YOU: I’m sorry. It won’t work for me.
Even later:
GEEK: Okay. Well, honey, one of us is not speaking English here.
YOU: (Call me honey again and I will cut you and you won’t have to wait for Jesus to come again.)
*******
Pippa ….. is it me??
Uh…freak.
And if he’s a hospital chaplain, what is he doing fixing computers? Like, is this moonlighting for him? A hobby? Is he only part-time at the hospital? Does he go into people’s hospital rooms and offer to pray with them and fix their computers? Does he scam on grieving widows? So many unanswered questions here…
Katie — /Does he go into people’s hospital rooms and offer to pray with them and fix their computers?/
Hahahahaha. I don’t know. I have literally spent HOURS on the phone with him and it probably only needed to be minutes. Ugh.
I’m with Katie. Fuh-REAK. Stay the H#LL away from this guy. He doesn’t quite get the whole “professional behavior” concept. And at the very least, this is what we should demand from anyone.
The customer’s convenience always comes first. If you said it wasn’t a good time for you, that’s your answer and you never EVER press it.
This guy is trouble. Dunno what kind, but he is.
By the way, can I sprout big boobs too? Even though I’m not a guy? Just askin’.
This conversation reminds me of no computer geek that I know. Many are arrogant and may treat you like a child, but not creepy like this guy.
He MAY be harmless, but I wouldn’t let a guy like that be in my house with my wife alone.
Eeeeeeesh. I’m with (your) MB on this. Go ‘way, creepy geek.
I’ve only occasionally seen this, since I’m a dude, and we tend to scare off this sort of behavior when we show up. This guy thinks that the behavior is magically no longer creepy because Jesus is just alright with him. And if you love Jesus too, well, super! He can be as quasi-stalkery as he likes and it’s all good – because you both know that faith in Jesus magically makes it safe to call married ladies “Honey” and invite oneself over when their husbands aren’t home.
You need a new techie, Tracey. This one, you should stay clear of.
GraD — I love it when you preach it, baby! And I will give you my magic boob beans.
NF — You know what? You nailed it. It’s the belief that the mere mention of “Jesus” covers a multitude of sins — or just general social ooginess. He thinks he gets a pass because we’re all “brothers and sisters here.”
Except that I want to come to your house when your husband’s not around.
It reminds me of that old guy at the coffeehouse who kept coming on to me. Remember that? He was like 80 or something, so I was kind of impressed that he still felt a tingle, but still, he could act all pervy and oogy and get a pass because he’s an old fart. I don’t think that gives you a pass. Neither does using the whole “Christian” thing give you a pervy pass.
Jesus Christ is not some candy coating to cover inappropriateness and misogyny.
Today, he kept calling and I didn’t pick up. I deliberately leave my voice mail full because I hate listening to long messages, so he couldn’t leave a message. I’d sent him an email with some info he needed, but rather than checking his email, he called, I didn’t answer, then he texted. “I need this info please.” The info was IN his email already. I texted back, “Check your email. I hate texting.” He responded, “Also, kiddo, you need to clear your voice mail.” I said, “No. I don’t use it. Email me if you need to.”
DUDE, get the hint. How much ruder can I get without resorting to some horrible heathen swears?? I don’t want phone conversations or texts from you. UGH.
And enough with the honeys and kiddos. WANKER.
JFH — That’s fair. I’m not trying to say that his creepiness is directly connected to his computer geekiness. My only connection to his creepiness came through computer geekiness, but if he’s creepy, he’s creepy, apart from that status.
I don’t know, I know lots of IT guys who are like this. Jimmy Fallon (I think) had a whole character on SNL as the snotty creepy sexist tech guy. Rolling his eyes at other people’s problems and treating people horribly. Sounds pretty familiar to me.
But the whole “Jesus is coming back” thing is a whole new element. He clearly feels familiar with you – because he knows your dad. That’s already an issue. Being close to your dad does not mean that he gets to speak to you this way. Ugh. I’m with you. Is he retarded? There is something wrong with this person.
You’ve got his number.
As I’ve said to you Tracey: the thing that people don’t get about you is how CRANKY you are. hahahaha The same thing is true for me. This is especially true of patriarchal condescending men who think they’ve got our number, due to the fact that they are the godly male and we are the lowly female. So when the CRANKY comes out – because, yeah, women tend to get cranky when our boundaries are not respected – they don’t even know what to deal with it.
Just reading this made me see red and want to give this creep a piece of my mind.
hahahaha Found a clip of Fallon – “Nick the Computer Guy”.
http://www.hulu.com/watch/19050/saturday-night-live-nick-burns
Sheila — /the thing that people don’t get about you is how CRANKY you are./
Hahahahahahahaha! Oh, how you know me. It cracks me up that this is a continuing conversation you and I have re: our general crankiness.
The thing with me, too, is that I have a “soft” look. I’ve been told I look like a throwback to another era, but it’s all an illusion, people. I didn’t design me. People always assume personality traits based on looks. It’s just kind of kneejerk to do that. I know this guy has been in my parents’ house. He’s probably seen photos of me and based on those and his interactions with my in-his-own-world Boy Scout father, made assumptions about how he could interact with me and who I am.
Nope. Not even my dad knows about my crankypants. I keep them hidden around him.
He should be drizzled with that honey he likes so much and tied to an anthill.
While you sit there and describe to him the precise shade of yellow the honey is.
p.s.– I know what you mean about that soft look. I look innocent and demure. This seems to attract weirdos who want to talk with me. It’s annoying.
Maybe we should get face tattoos.
hahahahaha
When the Cranky comes out, LOOK OUT. A poor gentleman just discovered that to his rue (roo?) on my site this week, when he was pushing his way into my life, thinking we were soulmates or something. Like I NEEDED him to send me long long emails every day which he thought were “too long” to post in my comments section.
I’m not sure if my reaction could be described as “cranky”. I think it was more like Goddess of White-Hot Rage.
I love Crankypants Tracey. I know there is so much more there. You’re soft, available, open to things that are beautiful and kind (your comment about Dina in my latest Diary Friday) – you open your heart up to things.
But someone calls you “honey” and keeps talking about Jesus during what is actually a tech call? HERE COMES CRANKYPANTS.
Roo – I’m with you. I seem to get people who don’t respect my boundaries. I look like I don’t have them? I have no idea. Maybe it’s the Irish thing.
My friend David said to me last weekend – we were talking about how harsh I can be to homeless people who come up to me and how I felt bad about it sometimes – he said, “Yeah, but Sheila, you seem to attract people who do CRAZY THINGS right in your face – since you were a little kid this has been true – it makes sense that you were OVER it about 20 years ago, and NOBODY who doesn’t know you already gets a free pass.”
Which made me feel a little bit better.
If there is a mentally-deranged person on a subway, he will seek me out SPECIFICALLY.
Gotta be tough with these people.
I’ve been doing what I can to teach my kids about the warning signs of a Creeper. This guy is definitely a major CREEPER. With your permission I’ll add this blog post to our Syllabus.
A big high five, Tracey, for your response:
GEEK: I want to meet you in person. I mean, we’ve talked on the phone four times now.
YOU: (Only four??) Sure. I’ll bring my husband so you can meet him too.
And MB is totally awesome for this (he’s totally awesome in general, but you know that):
Call waiting, thank God. It’s Your Beloved. You tell him the geek wants to come over. Your Beloved says, “Oh, HELL no. He’s not coming to our house and getting a gander at you when I’m not there. Or ever, actually.â€
Now I need to go have a hot show with lots of anti-bacterial soap, because the faux tech guy/psuedo professional Christian has left me feeling like I accidentally stepped in something partially decomposed.
Kind of disgusting. You should tell your parents on him.lol
roo — It’s so true. People see a “soft” face and they assume a soft demeanor — or that that’s all you have is a soft demeanor. I can be that, but I have NO problem being assertive, generally. It was a weird area because he knows my dad.
sheila — /HERE COMES CRANKYPANTS. / Hahahahahaha! So true! And I love your Goddess of White-Hot Rage. That ass deserved it.