beyond the pale

“Yeah. The look on the executives’ faces was a combination of stoicism and confusion. Stoi-fusion is what we created. Uh, that’s not good.”

Brett Michaels, celebrity contestant, on last night’s Celebrity Apprentice after giving their project presentation to some mucky-muck executives.

Uhm, I’m kind of loving him. I’m really watching this show only for Brett Michaels now. If he leaves, my interest will poof into the ether.

Is it me or is he kind of funny and weirdly lovable?

Well, I shouldn’t be surprised but I am, a bit. My homeschooling survey — and what I chose to do with it — is taking quite a beating in the homeschooling blogosphere. Or, rather, I am. And I don’t care so much about that. I don’t have all that much invested in what strangers think about me. I do care, however, about the ability to make distinctions between things.

I’ll get to that in a moment.

I’ll be honest: The fact that I’m surprised clearly demonstrates my own ignorance and naivete on the topic, but I admitted that in the preamble to the survey. I said, basically: I know nothing. Beyond that, I was naive enough to believe that I’d primarily be having a conversation with my regular peeps who “get” me, have read me for a while, have been through some life with me, and therefore, have a better frame of reference for who I really am.

It’s embarrassing to admit that I didn’t really expect people other than my regulars to show up over here and answer the survey, but, yes, it’s true. If I’d considered that, I probably would have never published the survey. Really. I could see from my stats that many people did blog searches for the word “homeschooling” or some related phrase. It really never occurred to me that people do these kinds of searches, mainly because I don’t do these kinds of searches. I don’t seek out homeschooling posts; I have no need to. Our frame of reference is our frame of reference, I suppose, and sometimes that frame of reference functions like a pair of blinders. I wrote questions in a flurry, posted them, and didn’t give much thought to possible outcomes. Honest admission.

Some of the questions have been called ridiculous on various blogs and, yes, that’s true, they were. By design. (Another one I can think of was poorly worded — too vague — and didn’t actually ask what I meant to ask.) They weren’t meant to be offensive. They were meant to inject some levity into something quite consequential for many people. They were meant to keep things light. Or lighter. Clearly, there was some level of splaaaaat on that front, some level of falling flat on my face on that score. (Not exactly unprecedented on this blog, now is it?) However, judging from the amount of email I’ve received, my regular readers seemed to understand me and the new people, for the most part, did not. With no larger context for who I am or how I typically write or communicate, I can see how that might be possible. But it’s also true that every reader processed the questions through his or her personal lens. One can assume I really didn’t know much about homeschooling, really did want to be educated and that that was all genuine, or one can assume that I was disingenuous, harboring a secret agenda, and set out deliberately to offend large swaths of humanity. It’s a choice, I suppose, to assume a blogger is either presenting herself as honestly as possible or is playing games with her readers.

I shut down the post comments because there were a fair number of comments awaiting me in moderation that I found offensive. Some were personal attacks on me or other commenters and I refused to allow the conversation to devolve in that way. It’s my blog, it’s not really a democracy, and I reserve the right to host it however I see fit. Not everyone will agree with the choices I make to manage my own “cyber open house,” but, again, I pay the bills, so these are my choices to make. Anyone with a blog has a similar right, which I also support. I don’t have to like how someone manages their blog, but I have to support their right to do as they see fit as well.

As far as the comments that were posted, I had no issue with their content. I took issue with their tone. I see those as separate things, a distinction to make. True, tone is difficult to discern in cyber communications. Harder still when the people communicating are total strangers to one another, but based on some of my email, I wasn’t alone in my perception of the tone.

That said, my own tone in my final comments was nothing to write home about either. I was snarky and I want to apologize for that. I’ve apologized before on this blog and, knowing me, I’ll end up needing to do it again.

On the various blogs linking to the survey, I’ve been called a “complete moron,” a “control freak,” “stupid,” and “immature.” Again, I don’t care much what strangers think of me. I’m not persuaded to think these things of myself simply because total strangers believe it to be true. I’m not THAT spineless or easily swayed. I know who I am. I generally know what’s true and not true about me, and in the many places where I’m blind, I have loved ones who really know me to help me better see. So if strangers choose to think those things, that’s fine. I don’t mention it now for the sake of boo-hoo-hooing. I mention it now because I care about the distinction between situational judgments of a person’s tone or attitude and holistic sweeping judgments of an entire person based on a single interaction. You can choose to believe that a person’s failing in a given situation is indicative of a systemic failure in character or you can choose to believe that a person’s failing in a given situation is a person’s failing in a given situation and not the full measure of who they are. Sometimes there’s a larger context to a person’s actions. Sometimes a person has a bad moment. A bad day. Sometimes we can’t see the whole picture, especially on the Internet.

Every person has a larger context.

My comments in the end were snarky, but I tried to limit my comments to an appraisal of tone and behavior in a limited situation rather than an appraisal of any person in toto. That doesn’t excuse my tone. I’m simply saying that, in general, I try not to go “global” on someone. I cannot assess an entire person based on one moment in time. I can’t and, hopefully, I won’t.

So, again, I own what I need to own. When people on this blog witness me in a less-than-stellar moment, I hope I’m a decent enough person to let them witness me own it. The way I see it, I can cede ground without ceding myself. Own what’s necessary without disowning myself. I’m not diminished in doing so.

For the record, no, I’m not linking to these blogs. Not for my own protection — because an interested person could find them, I suppose — but simply because I don’t want anyone who feels they want to defend me to feel that they NEED to defend me. I don’t need or even want defending in this situation, so I’d really prefer that my readers let these bloggers express their opinions unimpeded. That’s why I haven’t included links. I know I have my pit bulls out there and I love my pit bulls. Oh, I do! But right now, I’m perfectly okay with these bloggers exercising their right to think of me what they will.

I’m not interested in changing anyone’s opinion of me. I don’t think I’m able to, really.

I’m simply interested in clarification and taking responsibility for my own actions.

(Comments have now been closed.)

It’s weird when you walk into a bookstore, pick a up magazine you normally pick up, and see your friends on the cover.

“Oh! Hi, you guys!”

Kind of weird.

Cool, but weird.

(Go check it out. Their house is fabulous.)

Putting the earthquake into perspective, it’s a little amazing — if something can be “a little” amazing — that Mexicali, Calexico, etc., did not fall to the ground and that there isn’t more damage here in SD.

I mean, some statistics here:

The “World Series” earthquake in ’89 was 6.9 63 killed, over 3,700 injured.

The Northridge earthquake in ’94 was 6.7. 72 killed, over 8,700 injured.

The Haiti earthquake three months ago was 7.0 Something like 100,000 to 200,000 dead?

Yesterday’s was 7.2. If I’m understanding my Richter scale correctly — which I’m probably not — that’s 2 times stronger than the Haiti earthquake. Each single number you increase on the scale, for instance from 5.0 to 6.0, is an increase of 10 times in strength. So 7.2 is two times greater in strength than 7.0. Boggles my mind a bit. Thank GOD for good ol’ US infrastructure.

How does it feel, (Gradual Dazzle asked)? Uh, scary. This is the worst quake I’ve ever felt in my life and I grew up in CA. It feels as if the very earth is betraying you, I guess, and there’s nothing you can do to make it behave. What you take for granted every moment of your life as something solid and sure beneath you actually is not. You’re standing still one moment; the next you are simply not able to stand. You’re desperate to find something to grab onto that won’t break free or fall onto you. The world is one of those crazy tipsy funhouses — just randomly, out of the blue. And it’s loud, too. Or louder than you might think. (I was inside my parents’ house when it hit, standing at the kitchen counter. Some of my family was outside in the yard.) Inside, you hear the house groaning and creaking and shaking. It’s as if you hear and feel the distress of the house itself. In less than 60 seconds, its vulnerabilities are exposed, things you never knew before, things you might wish you didn’t know now. Outside, in the open, it feels like the earth is some angry child acting out. Mid-quake, I rushed outside to MB and just felt naked — as if I was at the mercy of this capricious monster rising from the earth. Inside felt safer somehow, familiar. I know my old hiding places, my safe spots. I felt almost guilty leaving our beloved family house alone to fend for itself. For me, the impulse to HIDE in that moment was almost unbearable, but where can you flee from an angry earth?

(Oh! And HUGE jolt just now as I’m writing this, an aftershock that felt like …. hm …. like the earth just clocked you with a nasty uppercut. Wow. Calm down, earth, okay? I promise I’ll do a better job of recycling. Yamahama! That was short just now, but fierce. I just came out of my seat. My heart’s pounding a bit.)

I hope the earth is as still as stone where you are.

So. Yeah. We had a 7.2 earthquake here in SD about 2 hours ago, epicentered in Mexicali. Too darn close for me. That thing was SCARY, pippa. Yowza.

We’re fine, though.

More later.

(May I remind you: Yikes. Also Eek.)