You know, if I want to believe in the life-changing brightening power of Crest Whitestrips, then I should be allowed to do so unmocked and unimpeded by a certain other naysaying inhabitant of this household.
You know, he’s all “woo-hoo” if I skip about the house all starkers and whatnot, which is dangerous if you think about it, because what if there’s a hot iron nearby and I third-degree burn my delicate, starkers skin? Or what if there’s a puddle of wine on the floor from his snooty wine club and I slip and fall and bruise my delicate, starkers skin? Oh, no. He’s all down for that. In a lecherous, uncaring way, I might add.
But try, just try to improve yourself in some small way that doesn’t involve nudity, but does involve the mild, 30-minute unattractiveness of a little strippy thing in your mouth and he’s like:
Him: WHAT’S THAT?
Me (trying to talk through the plastic strippy thing): Ish da Whiteshrips I gah.
Him: Huuhh. Okay. Lemme see. Smile.
(I muster a grimace because the strippy thing is strippy but not really so grippy, to tell you the truth, and more than once since it’s been in my mouth for the last 7 minutes, the stupid strippy thing has slipped off my teeth while I’ve inhaled, attempting — I think — to choke me with its peroxide strippiness thereby escaping its stated duty to whiten my teeth to their absolute whitest. Stupid, lazy, chokey strip.)
(But, wait. I mean, I still believe in you, Strippy. I swear. Don’t be mad.)
Him (laughing): It’s like you have gooey schoolgirl braces or something!
Me: Okay. Fine. You’ll see. You just sit over there with your jealous yellow teeth. You’ll see!
(Thaaaat’s right. You’ll see, Peaches — soon enough — when I bite you with my star-white teeth whilst you sleep leaving a star-white scar on ….. something …. somewhere …..)
Addendum: Okay. The box does say “Do not swallow plastic strip,” which, frankly, Crest, I find rather condescending. But does the box post a warning anywhere about rogue Whitestrips that just might try to kill you out of sheer laziness and dereliction of duty?? No, people. No it DOES not.
Also: “Some people may experience sensitivity when using Crest Whitestrips Classic — this is temporary and not harmful.”
You know what, Crest? Bite me. It’s not like I was all hysterical or anything. Jeez.
I was skeptical but tried them anyway, and those Crest whitening strips really do work. The only problem was that the ones for the bottom teeth would never stay put and after about seven minutes would be irrevocably jumbled up. Luckily, the visible smile rarely includes the bottom teeth.
All right. That last bit was too funny.
But, wait. I mean, I still believe in you, Strippy. I swear. Don’t be mad.
Fantastic.
And the snooty wine club, starkers thing is just… gold.
The story telling ability that goes one here? Well, let’s just say… Internet connection – $40, computer $600, Worship Naked – priceless. Keep ’em coming Tracey.
Dave — Okay, see? It’s not just me. Thank God.
Anita — Aw, thank you. That is too nice.
what IS it for guys about a girl being naked??? maybe your beloved was just a LITTLE turned on cause it is called a white STRIP. he thought you might make it a verb.
As someone who has used said White strips, this was brilliant.
“Ish da Whiteshrips I gah.”
That is so perfect!
Tell your husband to be glad it is the strippies and not the Night Effects. That’s the gunk you have to paint on your teeth, keeping your lips open at an absurd angle until the crap dries, then leave it on ALL NIGHT.
Oh yeah! It is veerrrry sexy.
A HA HA HA! A HA HA HA! Oh Tracey, you crack me up. I’m so like you and my husband is so like your beloved that it is just scary. You make me smile.
Hello from Scotland, btw. I just couldn’t resist a visit to your site!