Oh. Lord. Sweet GOD in Heaven.
You know how sometimes people come up to you and say, “Has anyone ever told you you look like so-and-so?” We’ve all heard that, right? And don’t we think, generally, when people say that, they mean it as a compliment? That, from their perspective, this news is a good thing; that you will see it as a compliment, too? I think we think that, right?
Sometimes, though, it’s too horrifying and you simply cannot see it as a good thing. You. Cannot.
Like today.
Now I’ve heard many different “you look like so-and-so’s” over the years. You probably have, too. Mine seem to vary based on my hair color and haircut: Madonna. Princess Diana. Donna Mills. And when I’ve been a redhead: Gillian Anderson. Julianne Moore. Whatever. Those ain’t too bad, I s’pose.
So today I’m at The Beanhouse, the place where, just recently, I was “really beautiful without my glasses,” when I walk by this woman and she jerks her head around in my direction. I wipe down tables; she openly stares at me. I’m aware of her stare, but there’s weirdos aplenty ’round that place, so I chalk it up to that. Suddenly, she rushes me. I am more afraid of her tight white pants with the little pink flowers than anything else. That is, until she opens her mouth to share with me, all breathless and googly-eyed:
“Has anyone ever told you you look like Hillary Clinton??”
AH! AH! AH! AH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
What?? WHAT am I supposed to say to THAT? “Thank you”?
“THANK YOU”??
Oh, yes! Thank you for telling me that I look like a bug-eyed harridan whose face bloats and sags like a loaded diaper and whose body … bloats and sags like a loaded diaper??
Knee-jerk, I gasp and shoot back, “NOO!”
Then my brain decides it is just too awful to be borne, shrivels up, and croaks.
The lady tries to rally, tries to make this, THE WORLD’S MOST HIDEOUS INSULT EVER, seem better somehow. She rattles off some claptrap about striking coloring. Uh-huh. I stare at her pants.
“Uhm …. okay.”
I just walk away without another word.
And I thought the brink of the financial abyss looked bad.
But HOW CAN I GO ON LIVING, peeps, if I look like the woman that no woman anywhere at any time would ever want to look like or BE?!?
That’s it. I am dead to me.
youch. ”
Why don’t you just give me a papercut and pour lemon juice on it?”
That’s what you should have said. I think.
That picture is hilarious. Such a jovial woman.
“Has anyone ever told you you look like Hillary Clinton?”
“Yes, and they did not survive to insult me again. Now: Would you like a large or an extra-tall venti?”
By the way – the picture you found of Hillary made me laugh out loud!!!
Then my brain decides it is just too awful to be borne, shrivels up, and croaks.
Love that! Finally! Someone captured it in WORDS! *whew!*
Oh, and you crack me up.
But you already knew that.
You found the perfect pic for this post! Seriously – you surely don’t look like that! Dear Lord almighty!
…and she wanted death with that, right?
You do NOT look like Hillary, clearly, that lady forgot her own glasses!
guess you will have to post a current pic of yourself so we aren’t all left with that image of HILLARY every time we visit your site…
Jon Stewart said one look at Hillary’s face is where boners go to die. LOL!!! Great story.
red and Lyn — YES! “Espresso TOPPED WITH DEATH!!”
AS — I DO NOT LOOK LIKE HILLARY CLINTON! I SWEAR!! I AM “REALLY BEAUTIFUL WITHOUT MY GLASSES” DAMMIT! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Chai — I’m choking. That’s hysterical!
I shoulda used that Rita Rudner line:
“Why don’t I just stand here and you can beat me with a stick??”
And, let’s face it, NOBODY else looks like Hillary Clinton.
If they did, then they have all KILLED THEMSELVES.
I have to second Amanda Sue’s suggestion…just to be sure 😉
I’ve been having a hard time thinking of a person who would think that saying that someone looks like Hillary is a compliment. Maybe this person was hit really hard with a stick? Or blind?
Maybe she said she imagines you look just like how she imagines Hillary looks? I don’t know, that, in a way, is even more insulting.
You really should have just put the person out of her misery.
An older couple told me a few years ago that I looked like professional golfer John Daly — the guy with the potbelly and the dependency habit.
I just walked away shaking my head. I didn’t know what Daly looked like. It’s just as well I didn’t know.
Oh well. I wish I still had that head of hair…
My stars and garters, what a thing to blurt in a public venue. Eeeeesh. So, how long have you been a Yankee fan from New York?
Um, yes, Nightfly, thank you for asking. Why, I’ve ALWAYS been a Yankee fan from New York! Yes, indeed.
Sooo, how ’bout that one really popular Yankee player? Isn’t he great?
Okay, seeing as how back in about ’96 I had to make a New Year’s resolution to just not talk about Mrs. Clinton b/c I despised her so much, I’m just gobsmacked with horror at this.
no one with such an adorable kindergarten picture could EVER look like Mrs. Clinton.
There must be espresso topped with death for this insult.
Oh, and ‘striking coloring’ my hind foot – Hilary is BEIGE.
I expected at least one “I hate you for making fun of my hero and I’ll never read you again.” I’m so glad to be wrong.
Dave, seriously, if I get one of those comments, it will be deleted the minute I see it. One can only stand so much stomach turning, right?