Continuing my Jane Austen mood. Sorta …
My Beloved taped an SNL sketch for me. I just watched it and I’m howling!! It’s a spoof presenting ” the lost Jane Austen work, Mr. Willoughby.”
And because I’m SUCH a dork, I’m going to excerpt it for you!
The scene opens on three proper English sisters, dressed, obviously, in early 19th century garb. One is Tina Fey, one is Rachel Dratch, the other, Scarlett Johannson. I’m sorry. But this combination is just HYSTERICAL to me. I love Tina Fey. And that Rachel Dratch — well, frankly, her face is almost inappropriate for public viewing; it’s just so odd! But those big googly eyes of hers are perfect for comedy. She’s like a female Marty Feldman or something. And Scarlett Johannson is a crack-up in this — the contrast between her beauty and her words is hilarious. (Have I now set it up so relentlessly that you can’t possibly find it funny? Oh, well. Here goes anyway!)
The sisters are rhapsodizing about the most eligible bachelor in the county, Mr. Willoughby, as they wait for his arrival. Everything they say puts them on the verge of swooning:
Fey: When Mr. Willoughby arrives, I shall proffer him a selection of salted nut meats!
Dratch: And I shall play the pianoforte!
Joh.: And I shall sing him a fine contralto!
ALL (singing): I met a girl from Mastie, her hair was chestnut brown!
Dratch: Mr. Willoughby has the rosiest cheeks!
Joh.: And the thickest, orange hair!
Dratch: And when he speaks, the air is filled with the smell of roasted meats!
Joh.: They say that Mr. Willoughby has two suits of clothes ….
Dratch: One for winter ….
Fey: And one for funerals!
ALL (arm in arm): Mr. Willoughby!!
Joh.: Mr. Willoughby has the most delightful collection of neck moles!
Fey: Mr. Willoughby’s nose looks as if it’s been dipped in poppy seeds!
Dratch: His teeth are like sharp pieces of corn!
Fey: His eyebrows are terribly expressive, particularly the top one!
Joh.: His eyes are ever so piercing — one, brown, the other, milky white!
ALL (dancing in ring-around-the-rosey fashion): MR. WILLOUGHBY REEKS OF UR-RIINE!!
Fey: I saw him Sunday last at church and he waved at me with his crooked yellow fingers!
Joh.: I must confess to you, sisters dear, I should like to whisper sweet nothings into his wax-caked ear!
Dratch: I purloined his blood-soaked snuff rag! And I keep it in my Bible — in the pages about Delilah!
ALL (sighing): Mr. Willoughby!!
Fey: Some say he’s a hundred years old. I say a hundred and twenty!
Dratch: Some say he’s ill-tempered, but I say he’s just mean!
Joh.: They say his his beard hides a host of malformities. Oh, that I were those malformities that I might couch myself under that patchy beard!
Dratch: Some say that Mr. Willoughby isn’t a man at all, but rather a pile of sticks someone threw an old coat on!
ALL (dancing again): I SHALL MARRY HIM, NONETHELESS!!
Voiceover: “Mr. Willoughby” — coming soon to a tiny, depressing theatre near you.
*chuckle* Oh, that’s droll… I can only imagine.
I think your description is hilarious. I never saw this sketch – thanks for sharing it!
I wish I could send you a copy, Chai; it’s hysterical!
We love this sketch – my husband and I crack ourselves up saying lines from it… and now our eight year old daughter is getting in on it.
I saved it on my DVR, was going to send the clip to my laptop and edit to post online but I had so much do so I just deleted it today and I already regret not getting the video!!
There is one more line by Fey tho that you are missing. It ends in “But I believe them”… something like ‘they say he roams the field at night having relations with cows, but I believe them.’
FWIW, this is an old ‘Dratch & Fey’ skit from their two-woman show in 2000. I’m sure that was funny but the SNL version is HYSTERICAL.