barry manilow idol

Tonight is 50s song night on American Idol. Let’s see how they do. Barry Manilow is coaching them this week. (Please excuse any typos. I’m frantically clacking away here!)

Up first, Mandisa: This girl is just gooey chocolate lava cake. SHE IS MELTIN’ SMOKIN’ HOT TONIGHT!! Crowd is on its feet. She completely deserves it, I think. Randy thinks she’s “unbelievable”. Paula thinks she’s a “thoroughbred.” Okaaay, Paula. Are you ever sober?? Simon thought she was “SEXY”!! Damn straight. You go, gooey chocolate lava cake! We LOVE you!!

Bucky: I’m totally serious when I say this — he reminds me of a girl I used to know named Jennifer. He looks EXACTLY like her. Except her mustache was better. Singing “Oh, Boy!” Oh, boy, poor boy. Ew. Blech. Can I please just call you Jennifer? Randy says “perfect song for you.” Which means nothing, really. Paula says, “You had fun.” Which means nothing, really. So now Simon, bringing the reality — “pointless karaoke performance …. a so-what performance.” Exactly. Sorry, Jennifer.

Paris: Singing “Fever.” Her dress is good, actually, but, well, her face always makes me think of Hattie McDaniel, who played Mammy in Gone with the Wind. I keep waiting for her to say, “And then Mista Rhett went out and shot dat po’ pony!” Oooh! Now, THAT I would actually enjoy! I dunno. She’s just not sexy and this is a sexy song. I’m not really a fan, I guess. They love her, though. But — really going out on a limb here — she won’t win this thing.

Chris: Oooh! “Walk the Line” Ooooh!! Let’s take a listen, shall we? Uhm, okay. Well, it’s got a certain gloomy edginess, I guess. Kinda. He sounds good. Just not sure I like this rendition. He’s made it new, though, and different, so that’s no small thing. Randy and Paula like it. Simon …. “the first artist whose refused to compromise.” Help me, everyone. I’m kinda headachey and out of sorts tonight. What did y’all think of that rendition?

Katherine: Bothered that Simon didn’t remember her last name. Watch out, hon. Keep having a wee attitude and a lot more people are gonna remember a lot less than that about you. “Come Rain or Come Shine.” Don’t like her dress. Hmmph. She really CAN sing, though. Really, really can. She keeps prancing around the stage, attempting to strut sexily and it doesn’t quite work. The audience cheers wildly and she says, “I’ve got my own dawg pound!” Randy says not his favorite performance, but she “worked it out.” Paula said something too. And Simon …. “tonight you turned into a star. Luuuuved it,” he says. Why does he keep doing Charles Nelson Reilly tonight?? She IS turning into a star, but perhaps not a very likeable star.

Taylor: (Did he cut his hair?) Singing Buddy Holly, “Not Fade Away.” And yes, he DID get a haircut. I think he’s doing great with a song that’s not much of a vocal stretch for him. He’s just so much FUN! Watching him do what makes him happy makes ME happy. (If that makes any sense. ) Randy and Paula like it. Then Simon ….. “that was just some hideous party performance.” Paula protests feebly. Simon counters, “Poorla, Poorla, Poorla, you’re talking rubbish!!”

Lisa: “Why do Fools Fall in Love?” Is it me, or does she have a kind of Natalie Cole-ishness to her looks? Don’t know what’s going on with her outfit — I think it’s ewwie. I think the song is too low. Starts badly. She appears to stumble on some words. Overall blah. Randy says “Wow wow wow” in that bland-ish way he has. Paula comments on her energy. Simon says it was okay. Yeah, just okay — shall I add another “ish” to this paragraph? It was just okay-ish.

Li’l Woody Allen: Ssthinging “When I Fall in Love.” Okay. That’s already better that last week’s “Part-Time Lover” Seacrest says “Prepare to shed a tear, America.” Ugh. “Sstheem to cool in the warmth of the ssthun.” AGGGHHH!! I’ve just realized Li’l Woody Allen’s got the George Bush no-lips thing goin’ on!! AGGGGHHHH!! I can no longer watch him sing. Closing my eyes NOW. Oh, someone, please, give him a woobie, read him a story, and put him to BED!! Randy said he did a pretty good job and that he likes him, dude. Paula — “you’ve got more moxie than anyone I’ve met in my life.” Simon, “Your target audience will love that.” Meaning all the gampies and gammies out there. Too bad it’s 9 p.m. and gammie’s asleep.

Elliott: “Teach Me Tonight.” Oops. He actually said he wasn’t “too fond” of Barry Manilow’s work before he met him. Haha. I like Elliott. He’s dorky cute. Hit a few clunkers here and there, but the song was lovely, nice. His voice is so smooth. Inevitably, Paula says something stupid and Simon says, “Thank you for those beautiful words, Poorla.” Then to Elliott, “It was fantastic.” Yay, Elliott!!

Kellie: “Walking after Midnight.” She also does a strut thing, but her knees come up so high, it’s like she’s trying to dodge piles of dog poo. Sexy. I dunno. She’s kind of a cartoon to me. She can sing, I suppose, but her persona seems like just that: a persona, a put-on for effect. Or perhaps I’m just hoping that she’s not REALLY that dimmm. She shares with us that her “eyelashes are better this week.” Um, WHAT??

And lastly, Ace: “In the Still of the Night.” I’m predisposed to dislike him a bit; he’s just such a pretty, pretty pony. And I don’t really like pretty men. Nice falsetto at the end, I guess. Props from Randy, etc. Paula — uh oh, dewey-eyed and slurry-mouthed means she’s getting a crush — “the sexiest, sultriest vocal you’ve done yet!” Simon says, “a helluva lot better than last week.” Well, pretty pretty pony, that’s SOMEPIN’, I guess.

Bottom 3: Hmm. Bucky, Lisa, and, PLEASE, Li’l Woody Allen!!