I should never be in a car with anyone ever.
Just don’t get in a car with me, okay?
Because if you do, I might force you to talk about 50,000-hand piles or play the “Million Bucks” game or I may cluck the theme to “Rocky” to cheer you up.
Or I just might make out with you. It’s a real problem.
Or like the other morning.
The spirited discussion in the car went like this:
ME: You’re chewing gum?
HE: Uh-huh.
ME: You are? It’s 7:45.
HE: Uhm, yeah? What are you saying?
ME: Doesn’t that seem early?
HE: I dunno.
ME: Seems early to me.
HE: Well, so, are you saying there’s a socially appropriate start time for gum chewing? Like “Don’t drink before noon; don’t chew gum before …..ah, when, exactly?(smacksmack)
ME: (wavering in the face of the exaggerated smacking) Uhhh ….
HE: Well, you must have a time in mind (smacksmacksmack).
ME: I don’t, okay? It just seemed early.
HE: (smacksmack) I think you do.
ME: (I’d rather discuss how soon I can kill you. Let’s discuss that.)
HE: Nine a.m.? Ten a.m.?
ME: Maybe before 9:00 is early.
HE: (smacksmacksmack) Hm.
ME: Hm, indeed.
SMACK. And KAPOW.
Honestly, one of us is not gettin’ outta this thing alive and, well, it’s not gonna be me.
All right. So I put it to you, pippa: Thoughts on an “appropriate gum chewing hour”?
You know …… the minutiae we cover on this blog truly staggers me sometimes.
But what is life made up of if not the minutiae?
Chewing gum doesn’t depend on time, but does depend on circumstance.
The appropriate time to chew gum is never.
But the thought of MB taunting you with his is hilarious.
Oh, hi Tracey! I lost you for a couple of days. Couldn’t find you anywhere. Found you this morning. Whew! Anyway: chewing gum before 8:oo am is scandalous, just scandalous.
I agree with Sal. When I am Queen of the World, there will be no gum. Of course, then only outlaws will have gum and they will be shot.
Cullen — Okay. Now you must expound. Describe the circumstances?
Like, oh, up at the altar, saying your vows (smacksmack)? I mean, that’s what I did. Just handed the gum to my maid of honor for the kiss. Yup. That’s what I did.
Lynne — That’s weird. My blog is behaving badly these days. And now it’s like Brigadoon. It’s there, it’s not there. I’m sorry!
Lisa — Hahahahaha. Lisa’s world:
“Are you chewing gum?”
“Yeah.”
Bang.
I agree with Cullen. And every time of day is appropriate gum-chewing time. Every time. (Not every circumstance, though, such as… at the altar, you know.)
Early morning gum-chewing makes me nostalgic for sixth grade (probably the only thing about sixth grade). I had a teacher who had big frosted hair and wore brown liquid eyeliner–she must’ve had a smoke before class and then chewed gum. She’d lean over our desks and we’d inhale that mint-tobacco smell emanating from her.
Uh, not that I’m accusing (your) MB of early morning cigs.