nastia and the beefy peach go for team gold; oh, swimming too

A running commentary of tonight’s doings that I will keep updating. Except for synchronized diving, which I will not be discussing, as I feel I’ve already said everything that ever needs to be said about it.

First, The Bob and Bela Show. Frankly, I am in love with the psychotic intensity of Bela Karolyi.

BOB: What does Team USA need to do to win tonight, Bela?

BELA: VEL, BUB, THE HEV TO HEET DERE ROUTINES. DEY. MUST. HEET!

BOB: What about China? What does China need to do?

BELA: CHINA MUST HEET DERE ROUTINES TO VIN! DEY CANNOT CRACK, BUB! IF DEY CRACK, DAT’S OPENING FOR U.S.!

BOB: So I hear you saying that both teams need to rely on a combination of great routines from their own team and little cracks from the other team.

BELA: YES, BUB! EVERYBODY MUST HEET AND NOT CRACK IN ORDER TO VIN! DAT IS EVERTING!

BOB: Thank you, Bela. We’ll check in with you later.

BELA: YES, BUB!

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Wow. Just running out of superlatives for my Olympic crush, Michael Phelps. He just won the 200m butterfly in WR time. His 10th Olympic gold — more than any athlete ever. Congratulations, Michael Phelps! You continue to amaze.

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I’m sorry. Some of these Chinese gymnasts just don’t look 16. I hate to say it. That’s the age they’re supposed to be. I’m just …. well, not buying it. A couple of them are teeny-weeny. Like 9-years-old teeny-weeny.

Is it just me?

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My little pet, the beefy peach, just did a fine fine vault! I’m so proud. Keep this up, BP, and there’s a bigger cage for you when you get home.

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Nastia is coming up soon on uneven bars. One assumes her siblings Grossia and Filthia are in the audience, cheering on their sis. She’s getting ready, chalking up her hands; daddy, her coach, a former Russian gymnast, is loitering around, making me nervous. Her forehead is needlessly high, have I mentioned that? Not that they’ll mark that against her. Necessarily. Her dad keeps getting in the camera shot. Move it, daddio! Wow. She’s rocking it. Stick that landing, baby! Okay! Good job! She heet it, Bub!

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Oh, goodie. The Bob and Bela Show, commenting after Nastia’s uneven bars:

BELA: IF DEY GO DIS VAY, GOOD OUTCOME. VHAT VE TALKING ABOUT? SOME SETBACKS, BUT NOW GUD GIRLS!! GO GUD GIRLS!!

BOB: People wonder how much of this is an act with Bela Karolyi. None. None of it. I swear.

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Back to swimming. My Olympic crush, Natalie Coughlin, is swimming in — what is this — okay, the 200IM. (btw, US swimmer Katie Hoff annoys me for some reason. I have an irrational dislike of her eyes. They’re a tad …. buggie. Additionally, she never smiles. I like my snap judgments to be based on physical features people can’t help, thankyouverymuch.) Coughlin got the bronze. Good job!

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Oh, wait. Is this the men’s 4×200 freestyle relay already?? I can’t keep up. My Olympic crush, Michael Phelps, is swimming again. Good Lord. Does my honey lamb never get a rest?? We’re WAY ahead at this point. Like about 23 minutes ahead of WR time. Thanks to hardworking honey lamb.

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The suspense is killing me. Will we win? GO GUD BOYS! HEET IT VERY FAST! Annnnnnnd ……… do your ears hang low, do they wobble to and fro, can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a …… oh, hey, WE WON!!

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Back to the beefy peach, et al. One of David Bowie’s little China girls just fell off the beam. (I don’t know what I’m saying, okay? I just took a Tylenol PM, so I’m not reporting clean, basically.) Here’s an even littler (littler?) China girl. Oops. Boo-boo. I mean, come on. What do you expect? It’s past her bed time, for lard’s sake. I want to brew her some tea and give her a fortune cookie that says pandas don’t like cheaters then tuck her into bed with a Broadway show tune of her choice.

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Okay. We’re up next on balance beam, that nerve-wracking instrument of torture. The last China girl — who also had boo-boos — was scored pretty darned high, uhm, considering. I’m sure Bela is freaking out. Here comes our girl, Alicia. She just fell off the bar, right at the beginning. Ugh. But she rallied. Oh, I feel bad when I see them look all crushed afterwards. And, oh, for pete’s sake. They keep showing her fall from every different angle. Enough already. Now Nastia. One little bobble. Otherwise, good.

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Beefy peach on beam. ACK! Last US girl. AND SHE NAILED THAT PUPPY! YAY! Bigger cage and a new water dish for her! We are one point behind China. It comes down to the last rotation — floor exercise — to decide it all. Hope it’s over before the Tylenol PM puts me to sleep.

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First up, Alicia, our girl who just fell on beam. AGH! She just fell on floor exercise! Oh, no! Gah, I feel so terrible for her. And she stepped out of bounds. Oh, no. She just fell apart. Poor thing. Well, I think it might be over for us for any chance at gold. Maybe silver, too. The score is killer bad. AGH! Nastia is next. She’s very long-limbed — annnd she just went out of bounds, too. Long limbs didn’t help her any there, that’s for sure. I have no idea if that was good or bad. It seemed fine after her step out. Pretty good score. Beefy peach next. She went out of bounds, too!! AGHHH!

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China on floor. The US can’t do any more to help themselves. This first girl literally looks 9 years old. Even Bela was just freaking out about their ages — he doesn’t believe it either. Just because you’re wearing turquoise eyeliner doesn’t make you 16, Peaches. She has got to be a child. No way is she 16. Awesome routine — because she’s 9 and has no fear, that’s why. Frankly, they’re kicking our bottom in this rotation. They will win the gold — and that’s not my issue. My issue is that, clearly, people are questioning these athletes’ ages and no one is getting the answers. I understand they have these passports that say they’re 16; I don’t understand why no one seems to be allowed to ask for definitive proof of age. It’s like, “Yeah, they’re underage; they’re cheating; ho hum, no big whoop.”

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Final standings: China gets gold; US gets silver. We should be proud, really. We fought for it. It was a great competition. HOORAY, GUD GIRLS!!

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This post is insane. I know. Completely whacked out. I have to stay up for the final Bob and Bela Show coming up. That last one, I could not make heads or tails of what Bela was saying — except that he thought the Chinese girls were not 16.

Oh, here they are:

BOB: Final thoughts, Bela Karolyi?

BELA: BUB, THE US DID NOT SEIZE DEIR CHANCE, BUT CONSIDERING VHAT DEY VENT THROUGH VITH INJURIES, DIS IS A FAIR RESULD. TOO BAD CHINA IS UNDERAGED. CHINA VIN; VE ARE SECOND IN THE VORLD.

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“A fair result. Too bad China is underaged.” Hahahahahaha! He’s gleefully opinionated and possibly manic. I love him.

All right. Good night, pippa.