i find myself sitting around ….

…. contemplating the baffling career of Jerry O’Connell.

I don’t know why.

But I’m suddenly all ramped up about it.

Okay. Here we go.

Stand By Me a jillion years ago? He was great as chubby, frightened Vern Tessio. I think it’s a practically perfect movie, but O’Connell “doesn’t like to talk about it” because he was fat back then. Dude, you were 12. You were deep in the throes of puberty. And you’re not fat now. You’re being ridiculous and stupid and egotistical. You really won’t talk about a great movie — your greatest movie, frankly — because 22 years ago you were fat?? Really?? That’s all you see when you see that movie?? You need to chill. And grow up.

Uhm, moving on ….

Jerry Maquire a dozen years ago? He was good as self-absorbed quarterback Frank Cushman Remember his little “Cush Lash” ditty? So ridiculous and funny.

Oh, and I guess he was on “Crossing Jordan” — or whatever that show was called — for a few years. But most recently? A cancelled TV show called “Carpoolers” where he played a character with the clunky name Laird. MB and I stumbled across this show one night, watched 30 seconds, and then slit our wrists. It’s true. So horrifying we were instantly mute and suicidal. That show was just this past season and yet O’Connell has already moved on to next season with some sure-to-be-cancelled show I’ve only seen commercials for called — wait, I have to go look up the name — “Do Not Disturb.” I firmly believe this show will never see the light of day, just based on the commercial: It features O’Connell and a chubby black actress riding an elevator. The song “Please Don’t Stop the Music” comes on and they start dancing. The dance progresses to the point where he bends over and she mimes spanking him. The doors open right at that moment and — hahaha! — everyone sees them in this pose. Hahaha!

Jerry O’Connell, what is the DEAL with you? Are you that desperate for attention?

It’s bizarre to me. He started off with such promise and he’s become, to me, a total joke. He’s tall, he’s good-looking but not too good-looking. There’s a tiny hint of a Brendan Fraser goofiness about him. But, really, I think it boils down to his ego. He couldn’t pull off what Brendan Fraser does in his movies because — and this is just my perception — his ego is cripplingly huge. He strikes me now as someone who could never ever be unself-conscious. On top of that, he just doesn’t seem to take his craft seriously. (For instance, I think there’s no way at this point in his career that he could pull off something like Brendan Fraser’s turn in Gods and Monsters.) He’s not serious, yet, at the same time, has no sense of humor about himself. I know that sounds contradictory, but it’s not, really. He wants recognition without really working to deserve it. He wants to seem funny just because he’s there. Like, I’m in front of you; why aren’t you laughing??? There’s such a greed there. Such a selfishness. Hubris. It’s not about the work; his performances have become about him. I saw it in the 30 seconds we watched of his now-cancelled show. I see it in that 30-second commercial for his new sure-to-be-cancelled show. Look at me! Look at meeee! He’s extremely conscious of himself without possessing any self-awareness. Like a caricature of a person. Maybe he’s a true narcissist. I just don’t know really.

Even his marriage to Rebecca Romijn seems like a “look at me” move. “Look at me! Look who’s on my arm!” Blech. (Rebecca, you can do better. You’ve done better. You know, I think Brendan Fraser’s available.)

Bottom line: He basically disgusts me.

Okay. So I’m going on and on about Jerry O’Connell. I’m insane. Left alone and to my own devices, my mind wanders far afield, I guess. But, really, I don’t know what happened to him. Somewhere, something went horribly awry. I hate to say it, but maybe he should have stayed heavy, chubby, fat, whatever you want to call it. Maybe continuing to have that struggle would humanize him, make him go inside himself, make him a better actor, make him understand that actors need to embrace humanity, not merely mimic it.

I’ve rambled here, I know. But sometimes, one just has to get the baffling career of Jerry O’Connell off one’s chest.