from the headlines: faramir and the fashion of killing

A story hot off the presses about one of our semifinalists. Much to her dismay, your lazy on-scene newsgirl actually had to work and fix this piece — there were just so many errors. Like, oh, wrong names and such. Man, I hate those cokehead British reporters. So here’s the revised — uhm, correct — version:

With six Grand Slam singles titles to his name and millions in the bank, there may be reason to question Faramir’s desire to add yet another prize to his bulging trophy cabinet. (Say what now? I’m sorry. The word “bulging” was distracting. Please don’t use that again.)

Even more so when you consider that the 28-year-old has recently gained an associate degree in fashion design (ooh, mazeltov, Faramir) and has built up a successful career as a businessman, with his own fashion line, SwordPlay, and interior design firm, Overlooked Son Interiors.

But going into yet another semi-final here, this time against Mercutio, it is clear the defending champion still gets a real buzz from competing and killing his competitors and other innocent people, like the hot fudge sundae vendor. Tru dat.

With no titles this year, Faramir hasn’t had the greatest start to 2008. (The public slaughter of the goaty little Pardoner probably doesn’t help.) But he says his intent remains the same as when he first stepped out (Oh? Out? Yes?) as a lanky 18-year-old more than 10 years ago, despite having won four titles here:

“I love killing people. Every time I come over here it is exciting. I don’t think I could ever tire of being here,” he said with a murderous twinkle in his eye. “The people, the history, everything is just so great. I’m excited about my advancement (through killing, natch) every step closer towards the final where I hope to make my neglectful daddy proud if he’s not too busy fawning over Boromir or turning nutjob or throwing himself on a funeral pyre to watch.”

He scotched suggestions he was not as hungry or as straight as other players. “I want to win but I don’t feel I have anything to prove at all. I’m very happy and blessed as a person in my life. I think just to be happy and healthy enough to be here playing and killing and wearing my hot new fashions on the court; that’s really all it’s about.”

With muscle-bound limbs that seem to go on forever (ooh, for all you lightfooted menfolk out there), Faramir’s power play has brought a new dimension to the game (is that what it’s called?) since the start of the Third Age. With other players coming to the end of their careers and sailing off to The Grey Havens, Faramir went on to dominate the game before sister Jane Eyre got in on the act two years later.

Both sisters are in the semis and are the hot favourites to meet in the final – which would be the third such time – and Faramir is delighted at the prospect.

“We believe that we’re the best on the court at that moment. I think that we both play really similar games (apart from the killing) and I think that we play against each other a lot.” (That’s deep stuff, man.)

Fifth-seeded Mercutio stands between Faramir and a final spot. And having beaten the unpredictable Italian five times in seven meetings, Faramir is confident.

“He tries really hard,” Faramir said. (Condescending much, Faramir?) “He fights really well. He has good movement (uh-huh). I think that’s really some of his strengths, unlike mine which are good grammar. And he is a very consistent player and killer but his trophy case is just not as bulging as mine. (And here I asked you nicely.)

Faramir’s net play has been solid during the first seven days – something he admitted he wanted to work on when quizzed earlier this year. But it is his sword that has really caught the eye. (Enough with the blue material, I beg of you.)

“I think my sword has been key in this tournament,” he said. “Any time I’m down break point, double break or something like that, my sword gets me out of trouble. I’m just really blessed (blessed schmessed, Faramir; please shut up) to be able to run people through with a sword to get me out of those issues.”

Someone, please, contact British authorities.