I’m under the weather and I know myself well enough to know that I should never blog when I’m under the weather because everything is feverish and naked and buzzing too close to the surface.
The fact that I know this about myself never seems to stop me, however.
So.
I’ve been thinking about this post for a couple of weeks now and figured I’d plan it out and think it through, but it’s wanting to be written right now, it seems. It’s the thing that keeps buzzing like a fly near the surface of my thoughts, banging around for an exit.
I have questions, I do, about this thing called blogging. A horrible, ugly word, really, but that’s neither here nor there. I have questions about blog relationships, is what it is. I’m realizing I have expectations about blog relationships or “blog buddies.” And by “blog buddies” I mean people who regularly read one’s blog or people who read each other’s blogs or have each other on their blogrolls. I’m venturing into dicey territory here, I know, which is why this post hasn’t been written sooner and likely why I’m writing it now when I’m achy and cloudy and lack all common sense.
There’s a trend on my blog that’s really starting to disturb me and I’m becoming wary and listless about the blog because of it. It’s a trend of “blog buddies” saying something offensive or hurtful in the comments, getting a response from me, and then disappearing forever — I can only assume — in anger. In two recent incidents, the blog buddies, rather than apologizing for their condescending comments, disappeared forever AND immediately deleted me from their blogrolls, a kind of passive-aggression I detest and that I had — coincidentally — talked about in a recent post because the same thing had happened before, oh, about a year ago. In the most recent incident, I actually received emails critical of the offending comment but never heard again from that particular “blog buddy.”
(Allow me to interject here: I am not talking about anyone who is currently reading this blog or this post. I’ve monitored my stats carefully and I just know, okay? If you are wondering if it’s you, IT’S NOT. If these people happen to catch this post — very unlikely — they will know it’s them. Please believe me on this. If you have to wonder if it’s you, please know that IT’S NOT.)
Now I understand — sorta — if the (former) blog buddies didn’t care for the way I responded. Maybe I was too blunt or something. I’m always willing to consider that I could handle these things better. But I don’t understand not saying something. I don’t get that at all. If they were upset at how I said what I said or that I said anything at all, you know, okay. Say so. But say so in the context of addressing the comment that set the ball in motion. Their comment. Basically, they went away and banished me from their blogroll as — what? A punishment for addressing their offensive comment?
Now here’s a thing about me: I HATE unresolved issues. HATE them. I will do whatever I feel is in my power to work things out with someone, to try to come to some closure, clarity, whatever you want to call it. But I honestly don’t know how to deal with people who want to be passive-aggressive like this. I don’t want to run after them and hound them to work it out. Believe it or not, I have limits on how pathetic I’m willing to appear. Nonetheless, I’ve tried to reach out to them by still leaving comments on their blogs, etc., but it boils down to this for me: By doing what they did, it shows me something about them. It shows me they can’t or won’t work things out and I can’t possibly make them. It shows me a kind of black-and-white thinking. A certain rigidity that doesn’t bode well for reconciliation.
And I take things like this too much to heart. I’m probably too sensitive. That’s good sometimes and bad most of the time. I know that about myself. But this last incident has hit me hard, I suppose, because of how I initially perceived this person. It’s easy, isn’t it, to assume whatever we want to assume about the faceless people here in cyberspace? Assume goodness. Assume maturity. Assume compassion. Assume — haha — that they are the same as you, would do the same as you.
And it’s also easy, if we read a blog and like what we read, to assume that’s the totality of the person being revealed to us — even though intellectually, on some level, we know that can’t be true. We can’t possibly be seeing the entire person. But maybe we so want to connect that we make people over in our own image. They’re not in front of us in the nitty-gritty of face-to-face interaction, so perhaps we unconsciously sand off the rough spots until the person is polished and smooth and just the way we want them: basically one-dimensional. It’s weird, isn’t it, because it’s almost a kind of well-meaning thievery. In nicely smoothing out the edges, we rob a person’s humanity. And if we’ve imputed only the best of qualities to our blog buddies and politely pilfered their humanity, when an unpleasant moment arises, an offense occurs, it’s a lot easier to walk away. We’re suddenly shocked to discover a crack in the surface we created, so we verbally blast them or leave or both. “Hmph. That person isn’t who I thought. I’m outta here. Hmph.” There are real people on the other side of these screens, but are we only happy to connect with the real people on the other side of these screens until they stop being nice and manageable and exactly how we imagine them to be? Is it just boo-bye, then, I guess? Suddenly simple to write off a bunch of words on a screen when you’ve been friendly with the person behind those words for a couple of years?
I think what I’m wondering here is this: How do we navigate through these cyber relationships? How do we remember — and treat — each person as if we’re always mindful of their humanity? That they have strengths and weaknesses at the same time? How do we handle conflict with blog buddies? What do we expect of them? What do they expect of us? What do you expect of me?
I want to say this to all of you: If ever I offend or hurt or anger you, I really would like to be told — as nicely as you possibly can. Because if we were friends in a face-to-face way, I’d want that. The health of the relationship would demand it, I think. I’m asking you here and now to please say something. I’d rather my blog buddies never stomp off this blog, but, again, I can’t necessarily stop that. As recent history has proven. Maybe I need to change the way I handle these incidents. Actually, I’m sure that’s true. I’m sure I need to think about that more.
Conflicts arise; we’re only human. So how do we allow each other to be human, embrace the humanity that really does exist in this cyber world, when it’s just so much easier to make it all disappear with the click of a mouse?
If I disagree with your American Idol pick, I’ll disagree in the comments. (Maybe.) If I’m personally offended by something you post(which I never have been and don’t expect to be), I’ll privately (and politely) send you an email, and I’m sure we’ll work it out. So many people in our society lack basic manners (especially on the internet) and take offense much too easily. Why can’t we love people where they are, and let God take offense if it needs to be taken?
Thank you for putting yourself “out there” on your blog. I know gives you a certain amount of vulnerability, but know that many of us love you and are in your corner.
Thanks, redfish.
For one thing, I think you write brilliantly when you’re under the weather. I had the same thing happen to me a while back, and it didn’t keep me up nights, but it stayed on my mind, because…well…is that it? I guess so. I think you’ve summed it up really well – the little slice of a person revealed on a blog is just that – a slice. A small portion. And most of the time, people don’t put all their flaws out there on the front page for everyone to look at. But they have them. And to forget that the person writing the blog IS, in fact, an entire, flawed, human person is unfair.
But you know what? It’s their loss. They – the people who stop coming back, who remove you or me or whoever from their blogrolls – they are apparently stuck in junior high and haven’t started dressing the way they want to rather than the way their clique dresses. And they still have cliques.
Oh, it’s late here on the east coast, and I’m babbling.
But yeah, those passive-aggressive “blog buddies?” Just let them go on their passive-aggressive way. Like I said – it’s their loss. Perhaps one day they will realize that.
Bravo to you for putting those thoughts out here for us all to read. And thank you.
I think the easy-come-easy-go of the internet is why one of the bloggers I read said she’s not keen on online dating. She finally spelled it out and it ran along the same lines you’ve mused. . . you’ve hit on the big question: how substantial are these “relationships” we have with other people online? Are they that easy to throw away?
For myself, I have to say it did take me a while to understand that I needed to take time to review someone’s response that seemed negative at first read. I have to do this for my education on the discussion boards, and trust me it is even *easier* to get into flame wars there.
I love that you made sure to establish that the problem’s not with us. You’re so wonderfully considerate that way.
Jayne — Exactly. It isn’t keeping me up nights — I mean, enough is going on right now to keep me up nights, frankly — but you do kinda go “Oh, is that it?” just like you said. It’s disappointing. Even more so when it comes from fellow Christians, as it has so often in my life over the last several years.
I live in a fantasy land of reconciliation, basically.
Kate P — Yeah, it’s not you guys! And it’s not that I don’t believe the relationships can be real and substantive. They can. I’ve experienced that.
It’s just that it makes my head spin a little bit how easily people are just deleted, tossed aside. It wears me down a bit.
Well, I hope you don’t think I’ve abandoned you because – irritating though it is to me – I have a roving ip (which usually seems to id me as living in Miami – which I don’t. I so don’t get some things about how the interweb works). But I’m still here! Just waaaay too busy to comment lately. But I still try to stop in every day or two.
It sounds so wierd and cheesy but any friend – IRL or online – that disappears at the first sign of trouble – is not someone worth having in your sphere. They just aren’t. I’ve had worries over the fact that sometimes I lose someone after they find something in my blog that doesn’t fit with their agenda or beliefs or image of me and they scoot off. Because I read the blogs of a lot of amazing people who have different religious or political beliefs than I do. And I’m okay with that. I like them and respect that we disagree on some issues. But not everyone feels that way. So my angst is always this fear that I’m going to lose a “friend” when they read further and realize I’m not as much like them as they may have imagined.
Like you said, only a portion of ourselves is in these blogs – and for me, sometimes one post will capture one aspect and another will capture something completely different and I worry about the effect that THAT has.
I’ll always talk it out, though, if we ever have a stinky comment experience. Cause that’s what you do.
ANYWAY, why would you want to hear what someone has to say every day for a year and then, as soon as they say something that you don’t like – stop altogether? It just isn’t logical.
I think perhaps some people DO believe that online relationships (whether it’s dating, being a blog-buddy, or something else) are NOT substantive – it’s one of the bedevilments of the Internet, but it becomes very easy to see the “others” out there as something less than human.And so it’s easy to blow them off, it’s easy to snipe at them in comments (and I don’t get that – I’ve read other bloggers bemoaning that they get commenters in telling them how much their blog “sucks” or something. Why bother? Why waste the time to do that, to ruin someone’s day with a nasty drive-by comment?)
But yeah. Passive-aggressiveness ticks me off, too.
I guess in the long run, it’s kind of like real life: the people that you thought were “friends,” if they treat you badly, they’re not really your friends.
Frankly, if I disagree with someone’s blogpost? I’m unlikely to say anything (now, that doesn’t mean I disagree with all the posts of yours that I never comment on, don’t worry!). I figure a person’s blog is like their living room – I’ve been invited in and if someone says something I don’t like, it’s not my place to be rude to them. I might gently say, “Well, my experience is different” and explain why, but I don’t understand the rude disagreeing comments (followed by silence…you can imagine the person stomping off and taking their marbles home, so to speak.)
Actually, I’m normally so bad at human interaction that I’m surprised I haven’t ticked off more bloggers by making comments that are too long, or that are misunderstood, or that take one tiny fragment of a post and dwell on that when it’s not something the blogger thought was important…
I find this whole blogging world to be fascinating. It’s interesting to see how people use their blogs. It’s especially interesting when you know someone personally and then read their blog to find them to be completely different to people on the internet. Blogging, in and of itself, is very passive-aggressive.
I don’t know you personally, but, I really enjoy reading your blog because I enjoy your writing and humor. And, because I don’t know you personally, I wouldn’t choose to comment something that I think would particularly offend you. But, that’s just me. And, other people choose to respond differently because, knowing that you don’t know them, they can safely say whatever they want.
I think many people indulge in behavior on the interwebs that they would never think of in real life…. and partially BECAUSE they wouldn’t do those things face to face. I.e. – the person who cannot tell their close friend that they have had their feelings hurt by an offhand remark will immediately cut off contact for a perceived slight online – because HERE it feels safe to do so.
The anonymity of the information highway makes many, many people into poorly behaved and ill monitored 1st graders at recess. They push. They fight. They team up on each other. They say, “I’m not going to be your friend anymore.” at the drop of a hat.
It is unfortunate that people use the anonymity of the blog world to display their worst behavior like, as Marisa said, “ill monitored 1st graders at recess.”
Indivuals will disagree. The fact that we are interacting in the blog world makes it no different than real life. To throw a temper tantrum when this inevitable event occurs is beyond childish.
It is funny, but the blogs I chose to visit, the people I consider my “blog buddies”, are, in many ways, different from me. There is the religion thing, among others. But that is partly WHY I choose to visit…a different persepctive. Despite those differences, I really LIKE you all. We don’t have to agree on everything for me to see what kind, intelligent, funny people I am dealing with, and I grow as a person for it. I learn something new every day, and I cannot tell you how enriching an experience this has been.
A while back, you wrote a post about your Boheme patron who hated witches. I didn’t totally agree with what she said to you. Normally I would just not comment at all, but I felt strongly about it, and so I posted a comment. You replied, and you were thoughtful and not in any way offensive or blunt or even snippy. I listened to what you had to say, and I appreciated your perspective on the subject. That didn’t mean I completely agreed with what you said, but I RESPECTED it, AND I learned from it.
More importantly, I respected you enough to leave it at that, but not leave YOU. There was no offense between us; no animosity; no lingering resentment…on my part anyway. I felt like we handled it as real life friends might…we discussed it. I heard your opinion, you heard mine. We gained perspective from one another’s differing viewpoints, and we moved on. Neither one of us completely right nor completely wrong. It is, like so many things, about respect.
I hope today’s frank comments don’t offend, because I think you are wonderful, even when we disagree. I would never intentionally offend you, or any of my blog friends. There is too much R-E-S-P-E-C-T there.
Marisa — Oh, no! I never think that if I don’t see people around here for a while. People have lives, man! And if people read and don’t comment, that’s okay, too. People have lives, man! Well, everyone but me, I guess. 😉
ricki — You and I are totally simpatico on the passive-aggressive thing. I find it ridiculous and immature and, actually, plain ol’ lazy.
kathi — /And, because I don’t know you personally, I wouldn’t choose to comment something that I think would particularly offend you./
Thanks for that! You know what’s interesting about this recent incident is that I don’t think the person who made the comment realized just HOW offensive and condescending the comment actually was. I’d had a problem on and off with this person’s, uhm, lack of self-awareness, shall we say, in the way they commented — and in the way their blog is written, too. It was something I just kind of monitored and, on some level, I think I was assuming a day would come when it would all go over the edge.
But honestly, I don’t think that person had the slightest clue what they were saying. Again, I responded to it, and other people emailed me in shock about the person’s comment. When I responded — politely as I could, I think — I imagine this person was likely blown away because they (I keep using “they” to be non-gender-specific here) don’t see themselves as having the capacity to be offensive. That’s my experience with them, anyway.
My motto: Always assume you can be offensive.
Some measure of self-awareness is an absolute necessity in blogging and blog relationships. It doesn’t mean we won’t ever blunder, but it will certainly help keep those blunders at a minimum. I don’t know what to do with a person who assumes the best and highest about themselves at all times.
“My motto: Always assume you can be offensive.”
Oh so true – and I’ve done my share of that! At times with full knowledge and at times without realizing it.
MM — Sorry! Your comment went into moderation! I have no idea why.
Yes, I remember my friend M’s comment about witches’ houses. She cleans houses and had a Wiccan client with a really dirty house, as I recall.
But I remember our conversation and I wasn’t offended then and I’m not with what you said today either. I understand that we all have things we feel strongly about. It’s just human nature. Part of how we know we’re alive. You were sticking up for people you know who practice this belief system. That makes you a good friend. Not that I’m surprised by that. 😉
I know you know this, but for everyone else, I wasn’t bringing that up to cause trouble. I was trying to hold it up as an example of having different opinions, and using that in a positive way, rather than “storming off” someone’s blog in a huff because they dared to express an opinion or feeling that wasn’t totally in sync with your tiny little world.
The blog world, and the whole internet should help us open our minds…not close them.
Tracey, I *always* assume I can be offensive. I have intestinal problems.
Oh, and I consider my “blog friends” to be real friends. I’m closer to a lot of bloggers than I am to most real life people. And I’m totally cool with it. I love meeting my blog friends, because I feel like these are real friendships. Then again, I met my hubby through blogging, so I’m bound to think that.
sarahk — /I *always* assume I can be offensive. I have intestinal problems./ Hahahahahaha!
And yes, I totally agree. I feel some of my blog friendships are the kind where we could meet in person and just, you know, go with it. The friendship is already there. That’s one of the great things about blogging.
Believe it or not, I am wordless at this. No dissertation or abstraction forthcoming. This blogfriend wants you to be happy, and that’s that.