At a stoplight today, I was behind a gleaming, red BMW convertible. Its contents, besides the usual seats and steering wheel and such, were an attractive, seemingly grown-up man, maybe 45ish — AND his GIANT, BLACK, FUZZY DICE hanging ridiculously from the rearview mirror. Now I admit I WAS staring at him. And I know he saw me staring at him. But I was NOT staring at him for the reason I think he thought I was staring at him! He smiled at me in his rearview and I just sat there, unmoving, because I didn’t want to send the wrong message AND because I was sure that moving my mouth at all would likely produce uncontrollable laughter.
Can someone please explain this to me? Seriously. Is it some kind of secret signal? I know I’m appallingly naive about certain things. Is there something it’s meant to broadcast other than “Heeeey, check me out, ladies. I’m a complete and utter TWIT”?! Is there some kind of genuine need for these, like maybe the poor fellow lacks fine motor skills and can’t use the normal-sized dice that normal people use? Or maybe his hands are puffy, digitally challenged Pillsbury dough boy hands? Or …. maybe he’s just a complete and utter TWIT!? Because an attractive, seemingly grown-up man with giant, black, fuzzy dice is an offense against nature. The Lord himself would agree with me, I know. I asked Him.
As the light turned green, he smiled at me again and waved. He WAVED to me.
Ohhhh, yeah. You romantic schemer, you, with those manly, irresistible fuzzy dice. Women everywhere will fall at your feet, limp.
With LAUGHTER.
He sped away and I gave in.